To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I'm a Muse



I am all for self-expression.

I paint. I know people that write poetry or play guitar. I know a man that sculpts the busts of celebrities out of chicken wire and some kind of vomity looking substance. Some people even blog.

Everyone can use a little help expressing themselves from time to time. A muse. Inspiration. A paycheck and benefits. A pair of Manolos. A fistful of dollars.

I find inspiration in the little things. I've always been good at letting people know what my needs are. I am good at Charades. Also, sometimes, I wet my pants.

The other night, in a dramatic display, I tried to show Lisa that I needed a glass of wine. I did my best thirsty look. I pantomimed a corkscrewing motion (in hindsight; may have been a little graphic). Two Words. First word: Sweet. Second word: Nectar. She didn't get it. She put on porn. I watched for a bit before dragging myself across the floor like a soldier in Kuwait.

Lisa slapped herself dramatically on the forehead, "Crap! I've got to express Ralphie's anal glands!"

I had never before had the privilege of anal gland expression. It is a rare and special experience between a dog owner and a dog, and sometimes, the unfortunate friend who is too drunk to drive home and is sickly sort of interested. It seems, that Ralphie (the dog) had not been dragging his a$$ across the carpet for reasons of hygiene. Rather, he was trying to clear his delicate anal sacs.

I stuck out my hand. Ralphie gave me his paw. I took a shot of Crown . Ralphie put his nose in my crotch. There was no time for a romantic dinner and a movie. I drank most of a bottle of wine.

And then, we started.

I am usually good with balls. Seriously. No one has ever complained in the past. I will not be asking Ralphie for a reference.

What I did next, I will only talk about in therapy.

I will never eat walnuts again. Also, hand jobs are out for a bit.

Mist 1


70 Comments:

At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That sounded like some ball :)
Marie

 
At 9:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nightowl,

I should have worn glass slippers.

 
At 10:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The night went to the dogs, huh? Sorry to hear about that but I am now at ease having a female dog...

 
At 10:14 PM, Anonymous Evel said...

You know? I have gone through 41 years and umpteen different dogs as pets without ever knowing or being made aware that their anal glands had to be 'expressed'.

I blame Oprah.

 
At 10:17 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

My mental spycam is failing me: as I picture this tender scene, all I can think is, "Balls are not exactly anus...so, um, Mist 1 was on doggie *distracting* duty in her department while Lisa did the real milking?" Or, um, what?

Forgive me. I am in the frozen Northland, where we are all firmly ensconced in layers of fleece.

 
At 10:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I never put it together that "Ralphie" was a male dog.

evel,

Oprah has never expressed herself either.

jocelyn,

Feeling vomity now.

 
At 11:14 PM, Blogger spoon said...

I'll not be shy in displaying my ignorance here...but I have NEVER heard of anal gland expression ever, I've never done it, does that mean that I've neglected all my pets?

 
At 11:52 PM, Anonymous Ã†rchie said...

A helpful young friend name of Mist
Although quite delightfully pissed
In a wine-sodden fog
Has hand-jobbed my dog
But barfed when young Ralph and she kissed!

 
At 12:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have four dogs, so I know what poor Ralphie experienced.

If you ask me, you should have given HIM the shot of Crown!

 
At 1:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess you weren't on the Ball that night...

 
At 3:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

(sitting in front of computer, mouth agape, wide eyed, staring, somewhat catatonic, in shock, mildly giggling......)

Drunk chicks and horny dogs... what a combination.

That's all I got to say about that.

Later Y'all

 
At 3:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jupp. That's pretty much the reason why all my dogs have been bitches...

 
At 4:39 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Oh Jesus! Your post has brought back a long past and deeply repressed memory of the same experience (sans vin - I was 8 at the time). I now feel deeply nauseous and in need of therapy.

Puss

 
At 4:59 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

Anal glands are like dew claws; weird, vestigal things that just make Nature look irrational. They are a huge blow to Creationism theories.

And, ew - I leave the dirty work to the vet.

 
At 5:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
You are a true heroine. NB the 'e'.

 
At 6:12 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

I'm so sorry :(

pretty gross huh?!

*shudder*

 
At 6:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ew. I would have needed to have drunk a bottle of wine to have witnessed that, too.

 
At 6:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your many talents never cease to amaze me.

 
At 6:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I would've had to have more than just that one bottle of wine.

 
At 7:00 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

Ummm...speechless. Walnuts...handjobs... glands in the anus? I am sure there is a video of this somewhere on YouTube.

-N

 
At 7:06 AM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

No walnuts & handjobs?!!? Why'd you even invite me over? Incidentally, I always wait until the 3rd date to see if a girl is into anal expression. or at least the 3rd minute of the first date. definitely one of my pet moves though.

As is holding hands while my nose is in her crotch. You're revealing all my secrets.

 
At 7:13 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Well, nuts. That's ex-sac-ly why people get all testes and anal about things.

 
At 7:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Normally, I like artsy but you're being a bit obtuse. What exactly did you do to that dog now and how was that poor animal compensated?

The "bestiality" photograph I posted on my blog amused me most because the horse had a look on his face that suggested he wasn't sure he wanted to be "molestered" by two (stunningly beautiful) hairless monkeys.

Hmmmm, very FFA of you....

 
At 7:23 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Sweetie - you were so totally set up on that one!

 
At 7:23 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I think I'm gonna be sick. Maybe I'll seek inspiration in a bottle of Zin.

 
At 7:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would've just driven home... but that's just me. Hopefully, you won't need an attorney after last night.

 
At 7:38 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

I.......umm......you......
awww forget it.

And just when i was gonna take you up on that flirting statement.

 
At 7:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist please please please never mention "sweet Nectar" and "anal glands" again in the same post???

your the queen of gross

 
At 7:45 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

spoon,

Start squeezing.

archie,

I've never had anyone write poetry for me that I actually like. Thanks.

mom,

You know what Ralphie experienced, or your dogs know?

Thanks for coming by.

shadow,

Ha!

melon,

I feel somewhat catatonic as well.

choo,

Lucky b*tches.

puss,

Sorry to bring up the buried past. Here, call my therapist.

kelley,

Why didn't we think of the vet?

0,

What time shall I be there to accept the key to your city?

nattie,

Did I mention the smell?

velvet,

The hangover this morning was tremendous.

natalia,

There's got to be a law against posting video like that.

tan,

You have permission to hump my leg.

av,

The word "testes" makes me laugh and laugh., It never gets old.

matt,

Is that a picture of a horse? I thought it was a dog.

cheeky,

Lisa and I are through. It's also over with Ralphie.

nwjr,

Make sure it's red, not white.

matt,

In some countries Ralphie and I are married.

 
At 7:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist please please please never mention "sweet Nectar" and "anal glands" again in the same post???

your the queen of gross

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiyotoe,

You'll come around. Talk to Ralphie.

mayren,

Where's my tiara?

 
At 8:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

mistified again...

 
At 8:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

mistified again...

 
At 8:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's muy interesante that you talk about self expression today, given that Saturn just went retrograde and one of the results is a slight regression in self expression.

Not so interesting that you talk about dog's anal sacs. Yawn.

Um, okay: NOT.

Is Ralphie a chi-hooah-hooah, as my Nana calls them?

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

claudia,

Why isn't everyone wearing that on a tee shirt?

123,

Ralphie is little and annoying and now, slightly violated.

 
At 8:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know whether to laugh or throw up.

 
At 9:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth...but then I swallowed it. Thanks for breakfast.

 
At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You totally need to make t-shirts.
DOOOOOiiiiittt.
I'd buy one, and I'm sure Ralphie would pimp your site for you too! After all, you have had intimate knowledge of his anal glands. How many other Ralphies can you say that about?.....I don't really want to know the answer to that.

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I think my wolf, who was female, had to have that done once.

The vet took her into a back room and did the deed. And then I got to rescue her from The Bad Place.

What I didn't know didn't hurt me.

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

I have heard of this before - and let me tell you, I love my dogs, but not THAT much.

I think this only happens with little dogs. I'll stick with the big guys, thank you. Anal gland squeezing is not my gig.

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

You're a nut(sack). Blecchhh. My coffee just came back up.

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

aisby,

Last night I laughed. When I reread this post, I threw up.

dallas,

Breakfast is on me.

a. whore,

Are you sure messages tees aren't out for 2007?

hearts,

I think I handled The Bad Place.

karmyn,

Give it a shot. You never know.

maiden,

Haven't you learned not to eat or drink while reading my blog?

 
At 1:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No.

I don't get it.

Your gonna need to explain.

 
At 2:01 PM, Blogger S. A. F. said...

I'm going to my happy place...

 
At 2:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry for your experience, it's a fact o' life.

Both big dogs and small dogs have anal sacs, and females and males. There's no avoiding them.

I reccomend more wine and short term memory loss

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger C said...

Thank goodness I am slightly depressed I may have had a stronger reaction. I think I will go home and avoid the cheese cake that was left over from our party today.

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

Damn... that's more information than I needed. Kinda glad the Huskies are both bitches.

 
At 5:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jali,

Come closer. Bend over.

saf,

So did Ralphie.

ruth,

I hope I don't start associating wine with Ralphie's sacks.

c,

Any time you want to avoid food, call me. I've always got something revolting to say.

arthur,

According to Ruth, this happens to b*tches too. Get some latex gloves.

 
At 6:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ewwww. I won't even do that to my own dog. My aunt noticed that my dog was dragging her butt all around on Thanksgiving, so I held my dog while she did it. She asked for Vaseline. We didn't have any, and I sure as hell wasn't about to bust out my lube. So I headed to the backyard with Crisco. We put Crisco all around my dog's ass and expressed her anal glands.

Then we went inside and had a feast. I couldn't stomach a whole lot.

 
At 7:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

h & b,

We wore latex gloves and used PAM cooking spray.

We drank afterwards.

 
At 7:11 PM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

sweet heyzeus. I'm going to go have a drink or 7 to get it out of my mind.

 
At 7:21 PM, Blogger Tug said...

When my daughter was going to vet tech school she called me, all excited, talking fast - & I SWEAR she said she expressed anal SEX with a dog - AND WAS EXCITED ABOUT IT. My DAUGHTER. Took me awhile (& more wine) to ask her to explain.

 
At 7:22 PM, Blogger Tug said...

When my daughter was going to vet tech school she called me, all excited, talking fast - & I SWEAR she said she expressed anal SEX with a dog - AND WAS EXCITED ABOUT IT. My DAUGHTER. Took me awhile (& more wine) to ask her to explain.

 
At 7:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

wg,

Have one for Ralphie.

tug,

Your family sounds cool.

 
At 7:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does Ralphie have a pedigree? Or were you simply too drunk to care?

For shame. For shame.

 
At 7:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dan,

I wasn't looking at his nails. Duh.

 
At 7:53 PM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

I saw 53 comments and a dog photo. I should have known it was going to be an anal dog entry.

 
At 8:03 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tom,

There was no entry involved. No really.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 8:03 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

My dog is 'blessed' with that as well - I pay someone to do the dirty work for me - No amount of alcohol in this world would be enough for me to go anywhere near her anal glands.

 
At 8:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

I am thinking about updating my resume with my new skill.

 
At 2:51 AM, Anonymous rose said...

I am soooo glad you didn't go into graphic detail. My imagination is bad enough...

 
At 5:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

rose,

I thought the picture said enough.

 
At 5:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't like it when people are more disturbing than me. I think the line of the day is "Shit! I've got to express Ralphie's anal glands".

It sounds like something someone says before stepping into the shower room at Jackson State Penitentary.

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

stewart,

In high school, I was voted "Most Disturbed."

It was an honor.

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger Doug said...

You know I had a dog who did that and I thought he was just weird or had some skin disease. Hopefully I'll never have another dog that does that but where do you even learn about this? I'm not sure if I could go through with it. Hopefully I'll never have to find out.

 
At 6:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

doug,

My depth of knowledge amazes me too.

 
At 7:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is an interesting illustration. Thanks for visiting my blog!

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jcr,

Interesting must be a nice word for disgusting.

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

That pic is inspiring me to share this link with you,Neuticles

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

maven,

You are kidding me, right?

 

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Name: Mist1
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