F*ck Shui
To everyone who sent me an email asking if I'm okay, I am alive. It's just that I've been busy. I blame do-it-yourself design shows and slutty shorts.I manage my household finances by wearing slutty shorts and high heels. It's not classy but, it's economical. Rather than remitting payments in a timely fashion, I prefer to greet the utility trucks while wearing slutty shorts. Usually, I find that the utility company employees have no plans to interrupt my service. Rather, they are simply making a routine customer service visit to stare at my camel toe.
I have been particularly successful with my cable provider. I have no less than 20 home design channels. I sat in front of the television for three days learning how to transform my patio into an outdoor oasis for under $0.15 using materials from my trash. I was inspired.
I am too lazy to hang curtains in my bedroom. Sometimes, I would like a little privacy. Because I am practically a genius, I went to Lowe's paint department and had the paint guy match the color of my skin perfectly. Now, I can walk around naked in my bedroom without worrying about my neighbor who has started parking outside my bedroom window. I'm thinking about painting polka dots all over the room in the same shade as my nipples.
My freshly painted walls seemed bare. I purchased a large mirror in a green wooden frame and went home, ready to make decorating magic. Hanging a mirror is not as easy as it looks on TV. On design shows, mirrors are always hung tastefully over a piece of furniture far, far from the bed. No one ever hangs a mirror on the wall next to the bed. I noted how a mirror next to the bed changed the theme of my bedroom from Tranquil Retreat to Amateur Porn Paradise. I was not satisfied.
Defeated, I sat on the couch and watched several more hours of do-it-yourself decor, hoping to see a show for people who like to watch themselves in bed. I learned how to apply an "antique" finish, which would make the mirror an interesting focal point but, still in poor taste. Covering the frame with fabric would be a simple and fun Saturday project but, would not class my bedroom up in the slightest.
Then, as if possessed by shabby chic-ness, I salvaged an old chair with a new coat of paint and recovered the seat with a scrap of leftover fabric in a kicky color. I put casters on the chair and wheeled it into my bedroom. I rested the mirror on the chair and rolled it about the room to find all the best angles.
I had conquered my design challenge. It seems that a mirror next to the bed is slutty but, placing the mirror on a "vintage" rolling chair, is eclectic.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 1:32 PM
121 Comments:
ohhh... so that's the mirror's story... how you've managed without one for so long is beyond me.
if the dot-painting doesn't pan out and you decide to go for curtains after all, here's how an ex managed it: thumbtacks + bed sheets. not your next ty pennington, i'm afraid. it does recreate a certain amateur porn brothel look you were talking about, though.
cj,
I think I'll stick to whimsical nipple dots.
I wonder if the paint guy would give you a discount if you told him you wanted to buy paint to match...then whipped out a breast...or both?
I feel better knowing you have a chic slutty bedroom. You have my utmost respect!
This is splendid news. I am very happy and full of Christmas spirit.
All this talk of naked boobies, nipples and slutty shorts and, guess what? Not on stinkin photo. I'm so depressed.
See, now that I'm home all alone, I'm thinking of making a Cookie Monster room, just cover it with thick blue shag wall to wall and put to big googly eyes on the wall. That would kick all kinds of ass.
It's good to note your return, mist1...and in fine form at that!
A big "Yippee!" that you're back!!! I'm interested in what nipple dot paint on flesh-toned walls would do in adding to a home's sale value.
maybe that is why i love hotel rooms...mirrors close to the bed. perhaps i need to redecorate tonight!
(welcome back. hope you are enjoying your summer vacation from us. we miss yew!)
Yay! You haven't given up and orphaned your blog!
Whn I first bought my house, there was a double-wide set of sliding mirror doors in the master bedroom. I wanted to keep them, Fenchurch advised that "Those WILL be the first things to go."
Ah well.
Again, Wlcome Back!
You've been missed, Mist.
Flesh colored paint is genius. I should go get some paint to match my pasty white skin. Instead, my bedroom is painted apartment white.
I love decorating shows but this love has lead to purple walls, blue walls, green walls, brown walls and red walls co-existing in my 1500 square foot house. Be careful. It all starts with a mirror.
I am still giggling about nipple-coloured paint dots.
And welcome back!
While I do think the whimsical nipple dots on your walls are a superb idea, to camouflage most effectively in such an environment you should also provide nipples all over your body. That way you neighbour won't see a moving patch of (mostly) nippleless Mist1. He (she?) will instead be presented with a moving collage of nipples with no clear borders, giving the illusion of movement in many directions, or none, similar to a herd of zebras.
Doing starjumps at the same time would make it even more confusing.
maybe nipple colored suction cups. (for the whole 3d effect) superglued to the outside of your window. and attached to your wall using straight pins. (smaller holes, less damage)
the mirror on the vintage chair on casters is genius. it allows you to change the feel of the room instantly and without further damage to your walls.
damage to walls is a bad thing. i grew up on military bases and remember vividly the arguments my parents would get into over a simple nail hole in the wall. to say nothing of the fist sized ones. ;-)
I do not have curtains or blinds in my downstairs. Mostly to piss my mother in law off as she comments on this lack of window treatments EVERY time she comes over.
Missed you.
Ha, ha. Mist you. I just got it.
Oh the bedroom paint had me in hysterics.
Missed ya.
Glad you are back! You were missed!
Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Mist! You are the coolest!!! What an ingenious idea to paint your windows the same shade of your skin! I am thoroughly impressed!
I think you could show those TV people on those home design shows a thing or two about creative designing! Maybe you ought to have your own show! ;)
my mirror is on the opposite side of the room from the bed. it creates an interesting view for kneeling-positions.
I've always thought that bedrooms could use more mirrors because sometimes you just NEED to see yourself in action
yup, nothing stops a man faster than camel toe.
Ditch the mirror in favor of a flat screen TV with a direct feed from a small camera. This is the 21st century, after all!
Oooh, nipple paint is GREAT! But I've never used it on a wall......
Thanks for the laugh!
susan,
I didn't want to mention the discount I got for the purple paint he matched to a bruise on my a$$.
mutt,
Slutty chic is my thing.
nolff,
Please refer to it as holiday spirit so as not to offend anyone.
snog,
It's hard to read the word nipple without seeing one in your head, isn't it?
jonas,
Thanks. I'm afraid I'm rusty.
rice,
I'm sure that it adds value. Who doesn't like nipples?
hello,
Gawd, I love hotels.
arthur,
Why would you ever get rid of mirrors in the bedroom?
k,
I hope the guy at Lowe's takes it seriously.
le,
I've Mist me too.
kirsten,
What's the difference between pasty white and apartment white?
liz,
So, purple was a bad idea?
peter,
You can help me paint.
tim,
Damn. Now I need a tattoo appointment too.
melanie,
I have that dream too.
heather,
Did you just mention straight pins and nipples together? Freaky. Cool.
adw,
Send your mother in law over to my place.
debbie,
It's a great idea, isn't it?
gran,
I'm on my back. I think I need mirrors on the ceiling.
chrissy,
I need a damn show!
paula,
Martha and I have both done time.
jennifer,
You are one classy broad.
sornie,
My point exactly.
pool,
What's is it about the toe that distracts them?
tim,
I'll have to abandon the blog again until renovations are complete.
legal,
I remember that stuff. I also remember the bath crayons.
Why is it I am now interested in design all of a sudden? What will you do for an encore? Something for the Food Network, I hope.
I have to start watching those shows.
My daughter is interested in feng shui. I think I will have to intervene if she wants to redo her bedroom according to f*ck shui.
1,
A purple bruise on your a$$, nipple paint, I may have to get a job at Lowe's to kick start my heart in the mornings.
Thank ya, darlin’. I really needed to smile and you’ve provided a bunch of ‘em.
I now have nipple dots infesting my head! Mirrors should be supaglued to the ceiling - - -
Oh, I'd say, "Welcome back" but everyone else has already done it. Just know my world has become brighter with your return.
Welcome back!
What, no mirror on the ceiling over the bed?
I did not email you, but that is because I knew you were fine, thanks to the cameras I had installed in your apartment.
Wo, I just wanted to get in here early. Got to rush off to work now! I'll be back to read later!!!!
Yeah!!!!!!Your back!!!!!!!
Hey T, if you're that good at whoring up furniture, I'd love to see what you could do with my romper room.
How very reflective of you.
I work for a company that installs mirrors. You have NO idea how many we put over peoples beds. Lets just say each year its close to 70ish. We got some freaks down here in the south.
I find eclectic sluttishness works for me - it means I don't have to put away my sex toys and underwear.
Puss
It's only TRULY slutty if you hang the mirror directly over your bed, on the ceiling.
But then, it might interfere with all the hooks and chains you have hanging there already.
I don't think the mirror over the bed is slutty. I think it says "I'm unique, I'm interesting, and I look good naked." Nothing wrong with that!
Glad your back!!! Hope you continue for a long time to come!
I suddenly feel compelled to paint my own walls flesh-tone too...lmfao! what a good idea!
LOL So glad you're back Mist!
I had to rush home for lunch, so I could finish reading your post! I must say your back in the saddle with great form as usual.
Speaking of saddles, how about a mechanical bull by the window or even by the bed? You could really put on a show with that!
Once the nipple polka dots are up, you should take a picture of yourself in your room and post it here. You could make a little game out of it, like "Where's Waldo?".
By the way, I tried that slutty shorts/high heels thing, and it really works. The utility guys literally run away from the house.
Damn! Why don't I ever get freaks leaving their manifesto's on my blog? Geez....after reading that, what's left to say? Oh yeah, love the slutty chic look. You could start your own show on the Home & Garden channel. You could call it Mists Trysts.
Glad to see you, Mist. Martha would be proud.
That's quite a welcome back you got from Anonymous. He found me too once, but I deleted it. I'm waiting for the Cliff Notes version.
"...they are simply making a routine customer service visit to stare at my camel toe."
Slutty shorts will do that to any utility service guy. Although, when I tried it, I don't think the camel balls got the same effect.
michael,
No food play. Too messy.
silver,
It's amazing what a little paint and a few restraints installed from the ceiling can do for a place.
alison,
F*ck shui is not for children.
0,
The bruise was an amazing color. It ranged from eggplant to pomegranate.
nick,
I do what I can. The Lowe's guy smiled too.
archie,
I have big plans for the ceiling.
lizza,
I am way too classy for just one mirror on the ceiling, don't you think?
fab,
I have always wanted to be on the silver screen.
uncivil,
Your use of exclamation points makes me feel good!!!!!
andy,
I want a romper room. That sounds much better than a mud room, which is still pretty damn fun.
av,
I started with the man in the mirror. You know, sometimes, you just have to take a look at yourself an make a change.
tally,
Can you get me a discount?
puss,
I am making a clever curtain to cover my unmentionables.
tigger,
I'm afraid that I'll hit my head on the mirror when I'm in the swing.
mindy,
I thought the lack of curtains already said all that.
never,
I'm glad that I'm on my back too.
tera,
Don't be jealous. It causes wrinkles.
miztris,
Sometimes, I amaze myself.
echo,
Me too.
uncivil,
Where can I buy one of those?
capt. smack,
Try the shorts that let your cheeks poke out just a bit. I find that they have the most impact.
anon,
I had to delete you. Please, find the right dosage.
wng,
I'm seeing velcro and plastic tubing in your living room. I am a visionary.
hearts,
I'm waiting for the made for TV movie.
tallulah,
You didn't really read that, did you?
mojo,
I like your lovely camel humps.
You had me worried, there, Mist.
Nice post. It's about time!
I think the nipple dots will make a nice addition to the eclectic mirror chair. 'course, that means the guy at loews will have to get a flash so he can match the color for you again.
CP.
lbb,
I frequently worry people. You should talk to my parents.
cp,
That lucky bastard. He really should give me free paint.
Mist- I really did read that. I was hoping I could be saved.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhh. Thanks for coming back my sweet.
Seems that I am THE blogkiller of the century and I afeared you had become another victim
Thanks to Avitable for reassuring me you weren't DED.
And thanks to you for making my rather craptacular day - un-craptacular.
I'd just like to see the camel toe.
So happy you're back.
I need to try the slutty shorts thing the next time the cable guy comes over. I want HBO.
tallulah,
I'll have some of the people who are praying for me pray for you. You can be saved.
scotts,
Blogkiller? I think I saw you on A&E when HGTV took a commercial break.
anon,
Take a number.
sqt,
I got Showtime. I'm going to need sluttier shorts for HBO.
There's a fine line between "shabby chic" and "shabby shit"
How will you tell is a naked man sneaks into your room?
I have a mirror next to the bed. No one's comment on it's sluttiness thus far.
now, now. We must avoid kicky adjectives!
anyway, glad to read your hilarious and sexy writing once again. Not many have your gift, though I wish many did.
I wish I was a hot chick with a camel toe that just won't quit--or at least be a semi cute girl who just won't quit using her camel toe power to mesmerize the varoius bill collector/sausages of the world.
Too bad I'm hairy and ugly; sexual reassignment would only make things worse. A guy with personality can get past being hairy and ugly; he just needs to be able to laugh with rejection and not be intimidated by really hot chicks. Besides, I've found that if I'm rejected like at a bar or club, but it seems to be with a smile, all I have to say is "that's cool I was expecting you to put out your cigarette on me" or something like that and laugh as I sit down with them anyway. It's an odd charisma that I tell everyone they too can have, but few other ugly/hairys can pull it off. They don't smile, laugh or listen enough. Oh well. I don't need them bustin up my fucks anyway.
I bet your rejection would be something to laugh at and still turn red and almost collapse from.
Think I'll stick to blogging and flogging.
kidding...
almost
can't believe I hit send on that one...
aye aye aye
I am using your paint idea for every room in my new place. Fantastic. Being naked has never been so crowded. It is going to be like a little nudist colony in my living room.
I will be careful not to rub up against the walls as that would probably excite them, cutting any mirrors that may be hanging. (get it... hehe... nipples... cut glass... tehehe)
I am going back to my hole. sorry to disturb...
You know, you could do a nice chair rail/border around your room. Get the nipple paint and take off your shirt. Then paint your boobs and press them to the wall. Move a couple steps to the right and repeat. Done deal.
When it comes to females I am beginning to understand that the more that I know .. the less that I know.
I have decided that, as a male, it is my duty to move the painting wherever she wants it. And stand there until she is happy. And then move furniture. If she wants.
And then paint. If the pattern looks like nipples, I get to smile while I work.
I have also learned, as a male, to keep my copy of Blacklight Beauty under lock and key
gosh i never thought of painting myself the same color as my skin. i could cover up all sorts of scars recently obtained.... hmmm. think you might be on to something mist!
smiles, bee
Too many drinks, a mirror perched on an old chair with wheels...seems like a recipe for disaster...If you disappear again I'll have an image of you slowly bleeding out after crashing into the mirror in your room full of faux nipples, oh and those shorts, you'll have those shorts on too..
Welcome Back
Hey Misty, you have been gone to long! It shouldn't take you all that time to figure out your decor schemes.
You must have gotten recharged, I hadn't been reading things like this from you, ever. I am thinking this episode is not over.
Glad you're back, hope you're ok.
..
It may be too late, but I tagged you for Blog Day (yeah, I was clueless). Thanks for the good reads.
nwjr,
That reminds me of my dumpster diving days.
wreck,
That's why I have an attack cat.
karma,
You should hear what they say behind your back.
eric,
Rejection is such an ugly word. I like to think of it as freeing a man up for another woman.
kelly,
It's not a nudist colony (the term "naturalist" is preferred) unless you have volleyball.
tally,
I love that painting technique. It's better than sponging. It's also better than spooning.
turner,
Is that the prequel to Backdoor Beauty?
bee,
Lots of people take notes when I start thinking of really good ideas.
tom,
I would tell people that I'm a cutter.
jim,
I am recharged in so many ways.
wolf,
Tagged? Me? Have you people learned nothing about me?
Heh, I actually wrote about my own mirror discoveries in my last post. I, too, hadn't expected the instant transformation to "porn paradise."
I had conquered my design challenge. It seems that a mirror next to the bed is slutty but, placing the mirror on a "vintage" rolling chair, is eclectic.
Glad to see your back in full form.
Maybe you should put the polka dots at chest height. Are you also going to put tiny maps of tasmania around pelvis height? Your neighbour could park outside your window all day then and still be pleased, whether you're home or not!
I used to have massive sliding mirror wardrobe doors at the foot of my bed, which provided a horrible shock in the morning if i didnt take off the black eye make-up from the night out before. The porn star angle would have been entertaining, but it was not to be, as they fell off the wall and broke before any cheeky bedroom antics took place in the room. Shame.
Ah, "vintage" and "eclectic," the home decorator's two best adjectival weapons.
i took a number and it came up 'number one'. now let me see the precious camel toe. where shall we meet my sweet muffin?
I'm sorry, you lost me at camel toe.
Heres hoping you don't go missing again anytime soon.
Good to have you back, lover. Mwah.
constance,
It's a bold statement. It's easy to get carried away with accessories for that theme.
phishez,
Maybe I should just ask him to help me hang my curtains.
purple,
I like it when you use the word cheeky.
jocelyn,
I think that just about sums up my preference for stuff that is rusty and mismatched.
anon,
"Sweet muffin" makes me feel adorable. It's so much better than Crusty Baguette or Whole Grain Pita.
orhan,
The camel toe is one of my best negotiation tactics. That tongue thing is another. Mwah.
ohmygoshthisisthefunniestthing. :)
really.
I so love the way you describe everything here.. the mirror soundsdevine..the chair a wonderful way to display the mirror and an easy way to move it about. The bare skin paint is a DOOZY!! I want it now..so I can walk about naked everyday, LOL...hahaha at the camel toe.
Look, I hope you feel better about life soon...and you know... you make other people smile...so come on...chip up girlie :)
I shouted you out today on my blog - specifically this post. it's just too funny not to share.
my whole apartment is shabby chic. Or maybe it's just shabby cheap...
Insanity is always in style.
HURRAY! You're back...
Never mind the mirrors. I'm just embarrassed about ceiling harnesses.
OMGosh that is the best idea that I have ever heard...painting your room in the light of your nipples I have to say that I am inspired to do such a task as soon as I finally move in my own house and give up my spacious 500 sq feet apartment!!and don't feel bad about the camel toe all of us girls have been there a time or too!!or flash the pizza guy!!!
shelby,
I'm thinking about getting a couch in my skin color too.
cazzie,
The mirror really is fun.
choo,
I like your style.
bottle,
I've searched Better Homes and Gardens website and I haven't found a single item about f*ck shui. It's like I just made that up or something.
diesel,
So are meds.
cg,
I'm glad to be back.
m@,
Don't be embarrassed. Harnesses are a hot home accessory this season.
tellin',
Please keep in mind that you will have to repaint if you get a sunburn.
people will get turned on just walking into your place... and you don't even have to be there.
Just checking in. Hope you had a great weekend, Mist.
Hope you're enjoying the new look of your bedroom!
http://lifeonmanitoulin.blogspot.com/2007/09/f-word.html
i am a professional camel toe cleaner. i am very thorough. It sometimes takes me four hours. This service is very reasonably priced. please contact me.
Eclectic and Eccentric. FAZ
Unacceptable for you to create hoardes of fiends and then take our drug away.
I wish I still looked good in my slutty shorts.
perfectly matched skin-tone wall paint and nipple dots? GENIUS. I think your neighbor will be camping on your front lawn from now on.
I'm back from my vacation, and I'll visit more regularly again.
Forgot to mention - so glad you're back.
I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS. THAT MEANS SERIOUS BUSINESS.
yay you're back. i'm totally doing that in my bedroom, with the paint. it would keep the construction guys who are building the skyscraper across the street from peering in at me in a couple of weeks when they work their way up to my floor. i mean, i have blinds, but they're ugly, so i never put them down.
the mirror goes on the ceiling, silly. what kind of amateur porncess are you?
You are by far, and always will be the best.... even if you don't post all the time.
I wish I had something more to say, but as always - nothing. I think I was going to say something about the painting dots all over your walls to match nipples, but the thought escaped me.... or something.
Gosh, I don't think I've EVER had a pair of slutty shorts. Of course, my ASS is very thankful for this, as is most of my fellow Americans, to be sure.
I took your advice, drank a bottle of wine and passed out on the sofa. In a dream, it came to me. I will put the giant red palm mirror above my bed. It is not funky, but I am.
puppy,
My place is pretty sexy. If you think kitty litter on the floor is sexy.
c,
I like my new bedroom so much that I've invited a few people over to see it.
anon,
I don't pay for that service. However, if you would like to buy me a few cocktails first, we could probably arrange something.
c & f,
I always get those confused. Also, electric.
jali,
There is no 12 step program.
curiosity,
My mind is a very complex place.
nolff,
You don't have to shout.
elizabeth,
I know how to mount a lot of things but, a mirror on a ceiling is not one of them.
ryan,
I'm not very good at painting.
melody,
My a$$ would be lost without my whorish shorts.
wg,
Wine and the sofa are never wrong.
ok thats reasonable.
Slutty shorts and daisy dukes has to be the way forward! Am so with you on that one although have to admit to being a complete skanker at times and wearing my dead Grandad's old robe with wool socks! Think I need a hobby too!
anon,
I can't decide which slutty shorts to wear. What's your preference? Stripes or solids?
rach,
I wear my dead Grandpa's pajama pants. They are torn up the leg. I tear them a little bit more every time I wear them.
I like solids but only you know which shorts are the sluttiest. Yeah, the tightest sluttiest ones are the best shorts. They're coming off anyway. Now, what about panties? None? boy shorts? g? i'm getting excited!
anon,
You're so easy to please. I admire that trait.
Why thank you. Like I said, it sometimes takes four hours so you may not think I'm so easy to please when we're in bed in a Maui hotel my dear.
anon,
I have a short attention span. Nothing keeps me occupied for four hours. Mind if I multi-task?
If you let me clean your 'clock' you may do as you wish darlin. Is it really dirty down South? I want to be prepared.
ROFL--I do the slutty shorts thing--it works so well....
~Becky
anon,
You clean clocks too? Do you detail cars?
Nothing can prepare you for the Dirty South.
becky,
Ah, the power of shorts.
You are so right--I'm free!
Ahhh, so basically, it's the feeling of freedom that drives me to drink and smoke lefthanded marlboros...
eric,
Being free is so much better than being cheap.
No i do not detail cars or do any of your honey do's. i was in the "Dirty South" twice. Let's just say it was 'interesting'. I think I will just try to deal with with the West Coast and Hawaii, thank you. So when and where do we do our 'rendezvous' mon petit doux? Let's come together somewhere.
anon,
Hmmm. My car really could use it.
OK OK! I'll detail the dang car but i use a different tool for that.
anon,
I like power tools. I also like tool belts.
Is a little recreational cunnilingus supposed to be this complicated?
anon,
I prefer hard men to complicated men.
What happened to your blog? Are you blogging somewhere else now?
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