To everyone who sent me an email asking if I'm okay, I am alive. It's just that I've been busy. I blame do-it-yourself design shows and slutty shorts.
I manage my household finances by wearing slutty shorts and high heels. It's not classy but, it's economical. Rather than remitting payments in a timely fashion, I prefer to greet the utility trucks while wearing slutty shorts. Usually, I find that the utility company employees have no plans to interrupt my service. Rather, they are simply making a routine customer service visit to stare at my camel toe.
I have been particularly successful with my cable provider. I have no less than 20 home design channels. I sat in front of the television for three days learning how to transform my patio into an outdoor oasis for under $0.15 using materials from my trash. I was inspired.
I am too lazy to hang curtains in my bedroom. Sometimes, I would like a little privacy. Because I am practically a genius, I went to Lowe's paint department and had the paint guy match the color of my skin perfectly. Now, I can walk around naked in my bedroom without worrying about my neighbor who has started parking outside my bedroom window. I'm thinking about painting polka dots all over the room in the same shade as my nipples.
My freshly painted walls seemed bare. I purchased a large mirror in a green wooden frame and went home, ready to make decorating magic. Hanging a mirror is not as easy as it looks on TV. On design shows, mirrors are always hung tastefully over a piece of furniture far, far from the bed. No one ever hangs a mirror on the wall next to the bed. I noted how a mirror next to the bed changed the theme of my bedroom from Tranquil Retreat to Amateur Porn Paradise. I was not satisfied.
Defeated, I sat on the couch and watched several more hours of do-it-yourself decor, hoping to see a show for people who like to watch themselves in bed. I learned how to apply an "antique" finish, which would make the mirror an interesting focal point but, still in poor taste. Covering the frame with fabric would be a simple and fun Saturday project but, would not class my bedroom up in the slightest.
Then, as if possessed by shabby chic-ness, I salvaged an old chair with a new coat of paint and recovered the seat with a scrap of leftover fabric in a kicky color. I put casters on the chair and wheeled it into my bedroom. I rested the mirror on the chair and rolled it about the room to find all the best angles.
I had conquered my design challenge. It seems that a mirror next to the bed is slutty but, placing the mirror on a "vintage" rolling chair, is eclectic.