Sometimes, I stay up late and watch infomercials. They make me see how much easier my life could be and just how backwards I am. The plastic containers in my cupboards are an unsightly mess. I cannot reach items on my highest shelves without endangering life and limb on my ordinary step stool. I don't own a single thing that folds and stores flat under my bed.
I especially like the infomercials for stain removing products. I sit on the couch eagerly anticipating how the infomercial hosts will test the limits of the product next. I cheer along with the studio audience as mustard and grape juice and cow's blood and coffee are poured onto a carpet swatch. There is no way that any product can possibly handle a stain like that, I think to myself. It will take a time elapsed video of the stain being lifted from the carpet fibers to make me a believer.
The infomercial hosts will double the offer and throw in a travel size bottle. They will try to seduce me by throwing in a set of kitchen knives that can cut a penny in half and a certificate of authenticity, suitable for framing. I am not swayed by these offers. It's the testimonials of the people who now live stain-free that sway me. I want to be one of them. I think that I could tell a damn convincing testimonial.
My knowledge of common household stains is based on what I've learned from watching infomercials. I have found that the best way to handle clothing splattered with blood is incineration. Ink stains on my couch cushions virtually disappear when the cushion is flipped over. DNA stains in the bedroom all but vanish when the lights are off.
However, I have created a stubborn stain that I can't get out. In my arsenal of stain fighting agents, there doesn't seem to be a single product designed to remove red wine from white dog fur.
I've heard that white wine is supposed to remove red wine stains, so I opened a bottle of Chardonnay. After using the entire bottle, I can confidently say that white wine does not remove red wine stains.
I can also confidently say that dogs do not like Chardonnay. He's going to have one Hell of a hangover when he wakes up.