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Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, July 23, 2007

Wine Dog


Sometimes, I stay up late and watch infomercials. They make me see how much easier my life could be and just how backwards I am. The plastic containers in my cupboards are an unsightly mess. I cannot reach items on my highest shelves without endangering life and limb on my ordinary step stool. I don't own a single thing that folds and stores flat under my bed.

I especially like the infomercials for stain removing products. I sit on the couch eagerly anticipating how the infomercial hosts will test the limits of the product next. I cheer along with the studio audience as mustard and grape juice and cow's blood and coffee are poured onto a carpet swatch. There is no way that any product can possibly handle a stain like that, I think to myself. It will take a time elapsed video of the stain being lifted from the carpet fibers to make me a believer.

The infomercial hosts will double the offer and throw in a travel size bottle. They will try to seduce me by throwing in a set of kitchen knives that can cut a penny in half and a certificate of authenticity, suitable for framing. I am not swayed by these offers. It's the testimonials of the people who now live stain-free that sway me. I want to be one of them. I think that I could tell a damn convincing testimonial.

My knowledge of common household stains is based on what I've learned from watching infomercials. I have found that the best way to handle clothing splattered with blood is incineration. Ink stains on my couch cushions virtually disappear when the cushion is flipped over. DNA stains in the bedroom all but vanish when the lights are off.

However, I have created a stubborn stain that I can't get out. In my arsenal of stain fighting agents, there doesn't seem to be a single product designed to remove red wine from white dog fur.

I've heard that white wine is supposed to remove red wine stains, so I opened a bottle of Chardonnay. After using the entire bottle, I can confidently say that white wine does not remove red wine stains.

I can also confidently say that dogs do not like Chardonnay. He's going to have one Hell of a hangover when he wakes up.

Mist 1


67 Comments:

At 3:04 AM, Blogger c j. said...

try this:
-blot up the excess stain (it might be too late for this, though)
-mix dishwashing detergent in hot water and swish to make a great volume of suds
-dip a cloth in only the foam and apply
-rinse with a cloth dampened with clear water (you may just give the dog a bath, i guess)
-allow to thoroughly air dry
there's also something magical called 'wine-away' although i'm not sure how safe it is to use on (alive) animals...

 
At 3:05 AM, Blogger c j. said...

good to c you're better

 
At 4:42 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Leave it. It gives him character.

 
At 4:48 AM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

I would go with bleach. I like mine flavored with peach.

Just a shot glass to a glass of water. hits the spot.

 
At 5:00 AM, Blogger tammy said...

I've heard a mixture of chocolate ice cream and coffee gets out red wine stains. It's also a more natural color for a dog.

 
At 5:09 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

I'm glad you're better!

I'm obsessed with cleaning and love all of those stain fighters. I also have one of the best books ever, Talking Dirty with the Queen of Clean. I swear by some of the things she has in there.

I have no idea how to get red stain off of dog. I know that salt and club soda gets it out of carpet.

 
At 5:23 AM, Blogger Yoffi said...

I love watching late night infomercials!

And poor poor doggy.

 
At 5:45 AM, Blogger Rachel said...

Glad you're better!!


Here's a fool proof way to remove your dog's stain:
1)find an electric shaver
2)tie your pup down.
3)power up shaver
4)apply shaver to area to be fixed.
5)brush away stained hairs
6)release pup.

Your dog will have a slight bald spot that will last all of a month.

 
At 5:47 AM, Blogger ADW said...

Nice to see you back.

Whay remove the stain? I say dip him in the stuff so the rest of his fur doesn't feel left out.

 
At 5:57 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

It IS really hard to get red wine out of a white dog's fur. That happened to me recently and the stain is still there...

 
At 6:07 AM, Blogger Tera said...

I am not going to even ask why the dog has a wine stain in his fur!

Did you at least have ONE glass of Chardonnay before using it on the dog?

 
At 6:37 AM, Blogger Pie said...

Just tell everyone it's a rare breed, they'll all want one.

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger Susan said...

You have a dog?

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger His Sinfulness said...

There are dog shampoos made just for white dogs - we used one called "Snowy Coat" at the pet shop where I used to be a groomer about 200 years ago. It has bluing in it, which does a fine job of making them white again.

 
At 7:19 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

You are not supposed to use the white wine to remove the red, you are supposed to drink it until you don't give a sh*t.

 
At 7:29 AM, Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

You can't use those Tide stain remover sticks on dogs?

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

Didn't know you had a puppy Mist!
Congrats! Now he matches your house better with the stain.

This will now make your puppy easy to accessorize with.

 
At 8:02 AM, Anonymous themuttprincess said...

So, did you buy any of the stain removers?

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger Melanie said...

not only do you have a challenge on your hands, you also may finally have an infomercial of your own!

dog hair wine stain remover. just think of all the celeb's that would jump at the chance to do a spot.

and they maybe even have a remedy for doggie hangovers. ;-)

 
At 8:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cj,

I'm not sure if I want him in the dishwasher.

fab,

So when people tell me that I'm quite a character, they are trying to tell me that I have a wine stain on my back?

turner,

None of that fruity bleach for me. If you're going to drink Kool-Aid, drink Kool-Aid. If you're going to drink bleach, drink it sans flavoring agents.

tammy,

I would have to go to the grocery store for ice cream and boil water for coffee. That's way too much work.

debbie,

If only I had club soda.

yoffi,

My mom's rule about infomercials is to buy anything that is $14.95 or less. I don't know why she picked that price.

rachel,

Have I mentioned that he's part Pit Bull?

adw,

I like the idea of a purple dog but, I cannot bear to waste the wine.

tera,

It's best that you don't ask. I would just have to make something up. Also, I didn't mind letting him drink the Chardonnay. It gives me headaches.

pie,

Yes, until they see him on a leash.

susan,

Of course it's not my dog. Why would I worry about staining my own dog?

his sin,

Snowy Coat is my new stage name. Thank you.

blitz,

You're right. I do need more wine.

p of u,

Wiry dog hair defeats Tide sticks, Shout wipes and that bleach pen that I got as a free sample.

mayren,

That's no puppy. He's a hulk.

mutt,

I do not believe in shipping and handling. I wait until I see them in the store with "As Seen On TV" printed on the packaging.

melanie,

Paula Abdul would be my celebrity endorsement.

 
At 8:16 AM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

Good luck with the pup. Listen, if you find an alternate way to handle those pesky DNA stains?


I like your solution. But my problem is that I will upon occasion need such cleaning prowess in my well lit office on the top of my desk. And sometimes on some papers that tend to get brushed aside.


People would question me If I worked in the dark. I mean, I am working completely in the dark, but they would wonder if I actually turned out the lights.

Oh. yeah. also on a picnic table in the park? It was early morning. No one was around.

TIA >:)

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger mindy said...

I agree with Blitz, I think the wine was meant for you. After a bottle or two of white wine, I really don't care what my house and/or dog look like anymore.

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger Peter DeWolf said...

If Michael Vick was more like you, the world would be a better place.

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger Paula D. said...

Never heard of white wine removing red wine stains? Next time just drink it & so oh well :-)

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger Erica AP said...

My pup loves white wine. Not like I feed it to him or anything. You know- just if I spill or something.

 
At 9:00 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

I suggest a shave.

I don't actually have a dog, but it worked wonders for the wine stains in my -

Um, anyway. Shaving helps.

 
At 9:12 AM, Blogger Ms. Mamma said...

That's a cute pup! I personally like a little discoloration on a white dog. I used to give my white lhasa a punk rock 'do and used blue food coloring to rock it out.

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger M@ said...

Mist1,

Did you know that there are professional studio audience members? That's messed up.

 
At 9:34 AM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

exactly why i try to stick with ketel one. no stains!

i have to admit, i'm a sucker for infomercials. especially if i have been drinking. i loved my miracle blade knives so much that i bought the series 3 set. LOVE! i've bought more crap off of late night infomercials becase they are just brilliantly done...i can't help myself. my next purchase will most likely be the magic bullet. the personal, versatile, countertop magician (sadly, not a sex toy). i've been trying to not buy stuff from the tv, but that one will get me if i have to sit through it again after an adult beverage or twenty.

and yes, i *have* to sit through the entire program. i'm addicted.

 
At 9:36 AM, Blogger heather said...

lol, i am so proud of you! you've managed to create the hottest new accesory for lushes. move over corkscrews on a keychain. now you won't even have to tell the waitstaff what you want to drink. the more competent ones should recognise the wine that caused the stain and will send a glass immediately.

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Contact that annoying guy that pushes Oxy Clean. That seems to get ANYTHING out. Although I think he drinks it...

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger Jenny! said...

What happens when you already have flipped the couch cushions and love juices get on the other side???

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger DanjerusKurves said...

Clearly nobody is thinking this through. Take another bottle of red wine and a paintbrush and turn puppy into a Designer Dog by way of wine-stain art!

 
At 10:23 AM, Blogger Wavemancali said...

I spilled spot remover on my dog... now he's gone.

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

teheheheh...that one made me laugh especially cause I had a hangover from yesterday too...poor dog better give him a benadryl when he wakes up...tehheheheh...dog doesn't like chardonnay...cracked me up!!!

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

oh and I hope you are feeling better...

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Just dye him Merlot. It will look fabulous.

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger Not a Granny said...

Ummm...I cannot believe you abused that poor, helpless, red wine that way. I really hope you did not add to the abuse by using a poor defenseless Chardonnay as you described.

Our wines must be treated with dignity and respect. There is help out if you find yorself in this situation again...

"Stop The Wine Abuse Now (at least let me get to the bathroom first)"

...I think they have a website or something..

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Glad you're feeling better. Sorry the dog isn't.

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Well, I'm extremely glad that you chose Chardonnay rather than bleach to try to get the stain out.

Maybe doggie needs a new haircut for summer, anyway.

 
At 12:21 PM, Blogger knicksgrl0917 said...

hey! i'm going to cali this weekend and won't be back until september...here is the website i was talking about where i made extra summer cash. Later! the website is here

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger NWJR said...

Did you try a nice dry Riesling? Did you feed it directly to the dog?

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

No, you're supposed to pour salt on him and throw him in the washer for a cold cycle. Then blowdry.

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger tallulah said...

Oh Mist! Never waste a bottle of Chardonnay on a dog!
Do what my friend does with her white dog.....dye him a different color every week. I never know when I see Poopsie again, what color he will be. My favorite is green though.

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger My Reflecting Pool said...

Oxyclean gets red wine out of everything.

Other than that, I am helpless when it comes to late night infomercials. I feel I must get everything. Thankfully I am too lazy to pick up a phone or my wallet.

 
At 2:09 PM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

how about i accidentally clicked on the dog photo (i know, i know, first day with a mouse. bite me.) and it opened a HUGE file where all i could see was a shoe. how appropriate.

 
At 2:40 PM, Blogger Comedy + said...

First, I'm glad you are feeling better. You were missed. Your poor dog...Or is this a neighbors dog that would make this even more pitiful. You have such weird habits with critters. You really do. :)

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

turner,

People would question me if I worked.

mindy,

After a bottle or two of white wine, I would need red wine to forget about the white wine.

peter,

The world would also be really, really bad at football and yet manage to look so darn cute out there.

paula,

I wonder what kind of stains vodka removes.

erica,

It's okay. We all spill stuff from time to time.

britt,

Never red wine there, Britt. Champagne maybe. Red wine is too suggestive.

ms. mamma,

He is too pitiful to be punk. Maybe he could be emo.

m@,

When are the auditions and do I need experience?

hello,

Do you have the level with a built in laser that can go around corners?

heather,

The stain is rather artsy, I think.

michael,

OxyClean is pretty tightly regulated by the FDA now. Too many people were abusing it.

jenny,

It's time for the decorative throw.

danj,

I need to find my muse.

wave,

Poor Spot.

tellin,

He likes ice cubes in his wine.

wg,

I'm thinking he'll need highlights too. Cab Sav?

granny,

Chardonnay and I have never been friends. Once, I thought we were cool but, I was wrong.

hearts,

Thanks. I'm almost myself again.

mystery,

Why would I have bleach in my home?

nwjr,

I think he may be more of a Boone's Farm kind of dog.

av,

I think that's what you do if you break a mirror.

tallulah,

That's fun. Where do I get dog dye?

pool,

Oxyclean cleared up my problem skin.

hello,

That's not my foot.

comedy,

I can barely manage myself, how on Earth could I manage a dog?

 
At 4:05 PM, Blogger tim said...

I'm undecided about infomercials. On the one hand, they have such pretty, pretty people to look at. On the other, they show me just how much better my life could be if I structured it around four monthly installments of only fifty-nine ninety-five plus postage and handling.

I feel ambivalent about this. Very, very ambivalent.

I think this is why they invented steak knives - to push me over the edge.

 
At 4:40 PM, Blogger velvet said...

My mom spilled red wine on my white, cotton table cloth and she immediately rubbed tons of table salt into the wet stain. Once it dried, she rinsed it with hot water and it was gone.

Of course, if you do that to the dog, the poor thing will be even thirstier after licking it off. You'd have to give the already inebriated pooch even more wine. Maybe not the best idea.

 
At 5:18 PM, Blogger Dave said...

How to remove red wine stains from a dog's hair, a primer:

1. Let hair grow.

2. If you are impatient for results, use one of those non-bleaching, bleaching products for the remainder of this processkl or shave gently the effected area.

3. When hair has grown, it will fall out.

4. To avoid repeating, encase dog in breathable bubble product such as Robbie Benson or John Travolta lived in in "Bubble Boy," I can't remember which, while you are consuming red wine within proximity of dog.

 
At 5:32 PM, Blogger Tammie Jean said...

That photo is so "look what you did to me!"

 
At 5:49 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Aw, poor doggie. You didn't let him have any of the red wine? Bitch.

And by bitch, I mean, I'm glad you're feeling better.

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger ~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I'm impartial to the Rug Doctor commercials.

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger eric313 said...

Good to see you back in the saddle.

The cushion trick works on DNA, too. I love the magic cushion trick. It has saved me from big brothers and loaded shotguns in more than two states.

 
At 9:46 PM, Anonymous la cubana gringa said...

Be sure to give him some B vitamins...they help with the hangover.

 
At 10:15 PM, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

Yup - Chardonnay won't take out red wine stains if you drink it before pouring it on the stain.

I've heard Mojitos work too - oh, that only works if you don't want to CARE if the stain is there.

 
At 1:07 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Poor dog. You know what else gets rid of stains on dog fur? Its guaranteed to work.

Just cut the bloody coat off.

 
At 3:00 AM, Blogger Captain Smack said...

White wine is too weak, you need something stronger. Try LSD, see what that does. If that fails, go ahead and dye the whole dog purple. Or make it interesting and do both.

 
At 5:08 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

Maybe you could wean him up to vodka.

 
At 5:13 AM, Anonymous Kristin Fogle said...

He is still sooo cute! I would try Rum....

 
At 5:27 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

I don't own anything that folds up and stores under my bed, either, unless you count my dog. I find, though, that if you kick it hard enough (the stuff, not the dog) you can usually get it under there anyway.

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

the worst thing is, they don't allow dogs into waffle house, so he won't be able to eat something greasy to fight that hangover off. yellow squares is unstoppable for bad noggins

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tim,

I don't watch the pretty people. I watch the ones where everyone drools over sandwiches that are all melty in the middle in just 30 seconds.

velvet,

I have plenty of salt.

dave,

Four steps is a lot for me to remember.

tammie,

I have a little residual guilt.

mel,

He had the red wine. It's on his back.

silver,

I'm partial to playing doctor on the rug.

eric,

Sorry about my brothers.

lcg,

I'm not a nurse. He'll have to suffer like the rest of us.

karmyn,

They should put that on the label.

phishez,

I'm not supposed to use sharp objects.

capt. smack,

I didn't know that people still did LSD.

wreck,

He'd probably just spill it on my back.

kristin,

He is adorable, isn't he?

choo,

My bed is four feet off the ground. I could probably slide the sofa under it.

furious,

If he got into a Waffle House, I'd have to quarantine him for a few days. Or at least keep him in a well ventilated area.

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Jenny! said...

Good...and what happens after that???

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

awwwm bless his heart!

smiles, bee

 
At 5:30 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

A pink dog sounds cute. Or were you marinading him?

Puss

 

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