To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, September 14, 2007

Steph's Brothers


I became friends with Stephanie because she is a gentle and warm person. She is caring and considerate and always has a smile on her face. Also, she lives with her four incredibly hot brothers. Stephanie spends most of her time at home taking care of her brothers. They show their appreciation by opening stubborn jar lids and leaving toilet seats up.

I love going to Stephanie's house. I try to get there just before her brothers get home from work. I never have enough time to remove their bedroom doors from the hinges but, I can usually remove all the towels from the bathrooms before they get home. The words, "Steph, where are the f*cking towels?" are magical. I am always happy to bring a freshly folded towel into the steamy bathroom.

Walking into Stephanie's house, the aroma of Hamburger Helper is overpowering. Stephanie is a culinary genius. She can turn a box of noodles and a flavor packet into a meal by just adding water.

Her brothers are hard working men and sometimes, her home smells like sweat. Stephanie relies on air freshener to make her home smell less offensive. The result is usually a nauseating combination of vanilla or cinnamon and work boots.

Last night, I walked through Stephanie's back door and was assaulted by the smell of old lady. I crinkled my nose and looked around to see where the elderly woman was hiding. Stephanie was glowing with pride over her latest purchase. She ordered a case of scented candles from a catalog. The old lady scented candle was her favorite.

Smiling, she put the box of assorted candles in front of me. I closed my eyes and sniffed each candle. I liked the one that smelled like sex the best but, the one that smelled like wino was nice too.

As we scattered the candles tastefully throughout the house, I casually asked when the boys would be home. Stephanie informed me that she was tired of cleaning up after grown men and had kicked her brothers out. Maintaining my cool, I asked if she had lost her f*cking mind and demanded to know why she would foolishly jeopardize our friendship.

Stephanie ignored my hysterics and asked if I'd like some Hamburger Helper. I can't eat Hamburger Helper if I'm not surrounded by four delicious men. I thanked her and declined. I wished her all the best with her smelly candles and left abruptly.

I'll miss Stephanie. It's hard to find a good friend with four attractive brothers.

Mist 1

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Friday, September 07, 2007

The Cure


Last night, Sue (my blindingly beautiful but, one chromosome over being severely retarded friend) needed to talk to me. She always turns to me when she is exploring personal growth because I am a very supportive person. Also, I use small words when I talk.

Since her boyfriend started his court ordered community service project, she's been feeling like she doesn't make a difference in the world. She wants to get more involved but, doesn't know where to start. I was happy to help her become a better person because I'm pretty sure that by default, that makes me a better person.

I know a lot about community involvement. Growing up, Dad was an activist. He was always boycotting something. We ate Hershey's chocolate because the Nestle company had an unsavory relationship with Ethiopia. We didn't have GE appliances due to their leading role in production of nuclear weapons. Dad drank shade grown coffee before it was stylish. He coordinated bands of Hippies who participated in relief efforts in Cuba and Mexico. He collected children's picture books for the students at Southern colleges and universities.

I asked Sue questions in order to find a cause where she could add value. She swears too much to work with children. She hates nature. Sue prefers to be surrounded by a lot of people and likes the color pink. In a moment of brilliance, I suggested that she participate in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure.

She twisted her face in thought and said, "I never really got into The Cure. Is there another band that I could race for?"

I told her that I'd look into it but, until then, the best service she could do for the community was to keep using reliable birth control.


Mist 1

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