To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Affairs


I gave up dating married men years ago. Essentially, that means that I've given up dating entirely. It seems that I am most attractive to married men. At first, I didn't see anything wrong with it. I have been the Other Woman, the Main Girl on the Side, and the I Thought I Told You Never to Call Me at This Number B*tch. I like the absence of commitment. I adore the gifts. The travel is exquisite because I love staying in hotels, even if it is only for an hour or (with Viagra) two.

I had a change of heart when I met the wife of a man that I was dating. I am not innocent here. I knew he was married. I didn't know that he was married to a saint. She was beautiful. She worked for a nonprofit. She had great taste in shoes. In fact, her shoes were better than my shoes. I wanted to hate her, but I couldn't. I hated her husband instead.

From time to time, one of my friends will come to me to ask my opinion about engaging in an affair. Yesterday, before the sun was up, my phone rang. The situation was simple. He had fallen asleep at her house and now didn't know what to tell The Wife when he returned home in last night's clothes, smelling like another woman.

I usually don't remember what I say on the phone in a state of half stupor and half sleep, but this call had such urgency. I sprang into action after checking my email and flossing my teeth. I told my girlfriend that he had better total his car and break his arm before he went home. I reinforced my point that if he was to return home, 12 hours late, that he must be sporting a cast. Not a bandage. A cast. No one can question you if you have a broken bone. A cast says, "Baby, I would have been here with you except that my arm was stuck in a meat grinder or pinned under a car or something like that. I love you and no, that's not a hickey."

So, we decided that he should break an arm. He wasn't too keen on the idea until I explained it to him. Then, he saw my logic. The problem is that I don't know how to break an arm nor do I have the stomach for it. It looks so easy in the movies. I tried snapping his arm over my leg several times with no success. Finally, I suggested tying one end of a string to his elbow and the other end to the doorknob. He informed me that he was not trying to rip his arm off like a loose tooth, he merely wanted to break a bone.

He is still at my friend's house, plotting his return home.

It seems to me that there are two remaining options. Amnesia or divorce.

Mist 1


90 Comments:

At 9:47 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

Certainly an evil twin could figure in there somewhere?

But wait, then at least ONE of them should have been able to get home to the wife, so it's a double betrayal.

I'm sure you could drive your car over his arm. Have him put his arm down, check your lip gloss, and put it into Reverse.

 
At 9:49 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

That's always a sign that life has taken a turn for the worse when you are wanting someone to break your arm. Ouch!!

 
At 10:15 PM, Anonymous la cubana gringa said...

Or castration. Followed by divorce. (And a painful lack of amnesia.)

 
At 10:34 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I know what bone that guy needed broke.

 
At 10:40 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

Well, it's rather painfull (but this guy seems to deserve it):

Take the carand find a good-size gap between say the frame and the fender-well. Have him hold his arm across the void, and place the jack uned his arm where the empty space is. Raise the jack.

This will cause a brutally nasty break with much splintering... far from a simple clean break.

Then, find somebosy with a big truck with a solid bumper (front or back) to slam into the drivers' side of his car.

The story that follows involves getting t-boned with your arm out the window.

PS: Don't ask me how I know how well this works. Just rest assured that it happened long before I met Fenchuch.

 
At 10:59 PM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

Wow -- that's complicated way of having an affair. Whatever happen to rubbing your hands on grass and sneaking home and sleeping in the basement?

They're just getting smarter and smarter. Hmmpf.

She should just run him over, end up in the hospital, and having the hospital staff calling his wife as emergency contact.

 
At 11:48 PM, Blogger Kentucky Girl said...

I'd go for amnesia if I were him. That or a kidnapping. He could say he was kidnapped...yeah, that's it!

 
At 12:36 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

I can't beleive you post before 7 am.
Normal people sleep at this hour.

Even I sleep at this hour.

 
At 1:36 AM, Blogger Leese said...

He could break his arm or keep his "bone" in his pants. I don't know, but one seems less fun than the other.

 
At 3:05 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

He could always just go home, confess, and let his wife break his neck!

 
At 3:20 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

A friend of mine used to only date married women for many of the same reasons...lack of commitment, lots of attention, yadda yadda yadda. I used to think he was kidding, but he wasn't.

 
At 3:31 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I love you, but I'm not IN love with you.

 
At 3:53 AM, Anonymous Graffiti said...

Blitz Krieg said it.
I was going to say it but he got in first.

Graffiti

 
At 3:58 AM, Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

OMG, lol, are you serious? He is rooted either way I reckon.

 
At 4:26 AM, Blogger Lee said...

He should check himself into rehab like all the celebs and politicians. Drunks are never at fault.

 
At 5:11 AM, Blogger Jazz said...

But how does he explain to his wife that he didn't call from the hospital or something....

Either way, he's getting a divorce.

 
At 5:50 AM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

park his car at a local bar. spill alcohol...preferably something of the jack daniels variety...on himself and stagger out of the taxi towards the front door of his house with the almost empty bottle of jack in hand. zero dollars in the wallet and some story that makes no sense about a friend who needed a friend will usually work. and when he "sobers" up he can always say he doesn't remember where he slept or what he did.

or he could break an arm.

 
At 5:57 AM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

He probably doesn't have to say anything.

Wives always know.

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger Tera said...

You are too FU**ING funny! LOL!

Can't he break something smaller, or JUST wreck the car and say he went to the hospital for back problems and ask for a neck brace? (Jazz, I think he will have to combine my solution in part with Hello's solution)

P.S. Jocelyn...wow, you beat Michael C to the punch this morning!

 
At 6:03 AM, Blogger Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

I don't care what method of cover-up he ends up using...can I be the one to call his wife? In the name of women's solidarity;>

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Somehow, I've developed a taste (if you will) for married women. They're just another category of woman, like "brunette," "blonde" and "redhead."

 
At 6:10 AM, Blogger My Reflecting Pool said...

I guess your friend has a roommate now?

 
At 6:23 AM, Blogger Tug said...

This is when you wish you could just look in the phone book under "bone breakers".

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

I've never actually broken any bones before, but I'm pretty sure I'd be good at it if I tried

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I usually just provide a doctor's note.

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger Paula D. said...

He is basically assed out! His wife will do the bone breaking in this scenario. The longer he waits, the worse it will be.

 
At 7:12 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

the idiot. break both his arms...
want some help?

smiles, bee

 
At 7:23 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

(Most) Married people are dorks

...also. I apologize about the Falwell comment.

Shouldn't been making fun of Mr. Hasselhoff.

 
At 7:24 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

Amnesia or Divorce unfortunately is the way most marriages are headed - you are such a soothsayer.


soothsayer.

 
At 7:31 AM, Anonymous andy said...

Dude,

unrelated, but I hate when people say lol. so, I like to instead, pronounce it like "lawl" or something. Many people though, it seems, are "lawling" you, so you should be thrilled, I suppose. You know what that means? Time for another bottle of Boone's Farm.

lawl.

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I'm with you Mist, I don't want a husband of my own, never mind someone else's.

You could always trying breaking his balls - it'll save his wife a job.

Puss

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jocelyn,

I'm really bad at driving in reverse. It just may work.

michael,

I think it's a sign that my life is taking an interesting turn too. I've never been asked to break an arm before.

lcg,

Castration? Many men fear you, don't they?

blitz,

I'm going to leave that to my friend.

arthur,

This won't damage my car, will it?

curiosity,

Running someone over sounds messy.

kentucky,

Ever since that whole Run Away Bride thing, people around these parts are a little sensitive about faux kidnappings.

phishez,

Sometimes, I make the time up.

leese,

Both of those options don't sound like much fun.

akelamalu,

That's what I'm voting for too.

nwjr,

Do I know your friend? Is he still angry with me?

fab,

No one is in love with me. I prefer it that way. It just gets messy.

graffiti,

You've got to be quick when Blitz is around.

Thanks for coming by.

cazzie,

This one is serious.

lee,

I'm thinking a public apology and a new piece of jewelry too.

jazz,

Clearly, he went to one of those hospitals without phones. You know, because of pace makers and stuff.

hello,

I'm not spilling any of my liquor. I'd rather break his arm.

yvonne,

That was kind of scary the way you typed that.

tera,

You can't break something smaller. No one cares if you break a toe.

woo-woo,

Okay. Better you than me.

matt,

If you like married men, I know a guy soon to be in a cast that's really charming.

pool,

I bet the slumber parties aren't going to be as fun as they used to be.

tug,

I didn't even think of using the Yellow Pages.

choo,

Pack up the trunk of your car with all your bone breaking supplies. We could use some help over here.

av,

Does that still work for you?

paula,

I love drama in the affairs of others. I can't wait to see which bone she'll choose to break.

bee,

You can help if you promise to bring snacks. All this bone breaking is working up an appetite.

nolff,

Thank you for refraining from threatening the lives of others in your comment today.

furious,

I thought amnesia only happened in soap operas.

andy,

We actually say lawl here in the South. It's part of the local drawl.

puss,

I'm steering clear of his balls. I know where they've been.

 
At 8:24 AM, Blogger Queenie said...

I'd leave it to his wife, a good kick somewhere else wouldn't come amiss. Bloody men!!

 
At 8:41 AM, Blogger Dazd said...

My arm hurts now just thinking about that. Almost as bad as Coyote Ugly scenario.

 
At 8:53 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Keep us posted on this one, please.

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger maximo said...

i got it:

"i was coming...














going down...














and got stuck in the elevator."

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

queenie,

Why should she get to have all the fun? I'm starting to like this arm breaking thing.

Thanks for coming by.

dazd,

I never saw that. I do have a coyote hat. It's ugly.

Thanks for coming by.

fringes,

I'll let you know what I write on his cast.

maximo,

I hope he's not claustrophobic.

 
At 9:14 AM, Blogger maximo said...

i don't think "i got stuck on the escalator" will work quite so well.

 
At 9:20 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

"No one is in love with me. I prefer it that way. It just gets messy."

Lust is better anyway...fewer expectations=fewer diappointments.

 
At 9:21 AM, Blogger Nina said...

He should probably just go home. The wife already knows. She'll break something for him and it will all work out.

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maximo,

This is so much harder than I thought. Can't he be struck by lightening? An act of G*d would take the burden off of all of us.

nwjr,

Exactly. All are welcome to fall head over heels in lust.

nina,

I wonder if she'd let us watch.

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

"I Thought I Told You Never to Call Me at This Number B*tch"

no way! that's my best friend's nickname too!

 
At 9:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

I thought I was the only one. Bastard. I bet he calls all the girls the same nickname.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger Tiggerlane said...

Wow...I always like the title "Head Mistress," b/c it was fitting.

I think running over his arm with a car should do the trick...just gotta make sure the spouse can't time-date the x-rays!

Jail is another good option - go with mistaken identity.

 
At 11:02 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Wow, even with the amnesia, I'm not sure that the divorce will be ruled out and then he'll be a divorced man with a hospital bill and broken arm and who can't remember how any of it happened. Poor sap.

 
At 11:14 AM, Blogger maximo said...

maybe he could get stuck in a stairwell? broomcloset? " i've fallen and i can't get up?"

 
At 11:33 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

No. I made the mistake of getting a note from an Ob/Gyn.

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tigger,

Jail is always a good option for stupid people.

velvet,

Yes, but he'll have a fresh start with a new identity and a slightly mangled arm.

maximo,

People have closets for brooms? I would keep shoes in mine.

av,

Next time use the mammogram excuse.

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Alicia said...

What a douchebag.

 
At 12:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

alicia,

We didn't try that excuse. That's a good one. He'll say that he tripped and fell on a douchebag.

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger His Sinfulness said...

Totaling the car is a great excuse, and an easy way to break an arm. He simply needs to roll the window down, put his arm out said window, then skid into a fixed object - like a lamp post. A speed of 35 or so is plenty to get it done.

This could be coming from my vast expeience as a former law enforcement officer who has investigated many wrecks, or it could be coming from my time as cheating husband... but in reality it comes from being a really crappy driver. I wrecked my ex-wife's S10 Blazer this way - it was completely totaled, and I'm certain that had my arm been out the window at the time it would have broken.

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger paz y amor said...

Let's just say he got fucked and then he fucked himself!

Why didn't you just take him out to some dark alley, beat the shit out of him, steal his wallet and let him be found by some stranger? Haven't you seen "Liar, Liar"?

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

There is also death by hanging or he could simply fling himself off the roof,couldn't he?

 
At 12:46 PM, Anonymous tom said...

Place arm on iron rail, get sledge hammer, lift and swing down on arm. say goodbye!!

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

his sin,

All we have to do now is get a Blazer.

paz,

I love stealing wallets. Usually, I just wait for people to fall asleep, but I'll try your technique.

Thanks for coming by.

stacy,

I like the roof idea. I may use that myself some day. I'm pretty sure that I could make it look graceful.

tom,

I just happen to have a sledge hammer handy. It's right next to my crow bar.

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger Nance said...

Not sure he's worth all this.

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nance,

It's amazing what you'll do when you don't have a hobby. Plus, who doesn't want to break someone else's arm?

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger melanie said...

I have only flirted with married men. The only time i wanted to get involved with one, he killed himself a few months later. that didn't do a lot for my self esteem.

maybe I should have broken his arm, and taken him in.

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger Comedy + said...

You are a piece of work Mist. I say he's on his own. He should have thought of this before he ended up at your girlfriends house. If there is a divorce in his future, well your friend better dump him now. Nothing will be left.

Loved the wife (saint) part. At least you have your priorities straight. You are one sick, twisted, funny lady Mist!

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

The marriage is in trouble anyway. Why compound it with broken appendages, although it isn't his arm that got him into this mess.

His wife should know what a rat he is.

Please update this one.

 
At 1:32 PM, Blogger Winter said...

I lurk everyday, I should really start commenting.

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

Did he kill himself trying to break his arm? Because, we've come close to killing him a few times now. Totally accidental, I swear.

comedy,

We could let him handle it on his own, but where's the fun in that?

hearts,

You make it sound like we're cruel. I think I'm okay with that.

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

winter,

You really should. It's so much more fun when we're all in it together, isn't it? Plus, it helps my self esteem.

 
At 1:42 PM, Blogger ~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

What, there were no trees around for him to crash into?

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

silver,

The trees are innocent here. No need to involve them.

 
At 2:14 PM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

When I was young and dumb (I'm still one of these and it sure isn't young) I was the other woman for two years. I had no conscience, especially since I was engaged, too. But, after his wife tried to run me over in the AM/PM parking lot I saw the light. Sometimes it takes a near tragedy to bring someone around. :P Then, of course, there's always the truth, which hurts much less than getting hit by a car.

 
At 2:21 PM, Blogger Stepping Over the Junk said...

HA!!! Of course, now that cell phones are pretty much a standard, it is hard to get in a wreck, break and arm and not call any sooner. Did the wife call all night or what?

 
At 2:34 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Oh, snap!

Was wondering what the picture had to do with anything. It all makes sense now

 
At 2:36 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

I even brought home a bagel with pap smear, but she didn't buy it.

 
At 2:57 PM, Blogger Captain Smack said...

I think this might be where all of those bizarre alien abduction stories come from.

"Honey, you're not going to believe what happened to me last night!"

 
At 3:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kristyn,

So, essentially by causing near tragedy, we are helping.

junk,

I'm sure the battery was "dead."

orhan,

Snap, is right.

av,

I prefer veggie smear. What kind of bagel was it?

capt.,

That's excellent. Now, we just have to impregnate him with alien spawn.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 4:46 PM, Blogger Sebastien said...

Might I suggest shooting him in the foot? I think a gunshot wound, in this situation, would be acceptable, no?

 
At 5:31 PM, Blogger Jay said...

You are a good friend.

 
At 5:34 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

seb,

I am fundamentally opposed to harming shoes.

jay,

I really am. Thanks for noticing.

 
At 5:46 PM, Blogger Uncivil said...

The prick deserves more than a broke arm! I recommend sticking a Wiffle Bat up his ass?

 
At 5:54 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

Either way...it's gonna cost him.

 
At 5:57 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

uncivil,

What kind of lubricant do you recommend?

pissy,

Yes, that's sort of the beauty in this whole situation.

 
At 6:17 PM, Anonymous tom said...

Crow bar's will work, but sledge hammers are so much better!

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger Todd said...

Tell him to crash whilest on rollerblades. That worked really well for me!

P.S. I'm getting married in September. Does that make me fair game in the fall?

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tom,

Maybe I should go to the Home Depot and shop the blunt object aisle.

todd,

You are entirely off limits for me. Feel free to still send me gifts to sway my opinion.

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

You have two options:

1. Roll him up in a blanket and beat the shit out of him with a baseball bat -- this provides plenty of bruises and possible broken bones without the pesky organ damage.

or

2. He could tell her he was in jail and when he called her the line was busy. "Honey, I only got ONE phone call and you couldn't get off the phone with your damn sister and take my call so I spent the night in jail. Really, this is YOUR fault."

Either of those are usually pretty effective...not that I've ever used either of them or anything...

 
At 7:38 PM, Blogger Dagromm said...

Well amnesia is easy. From my carefully done television watching research I can tell you that all you need to do is have him stand under a tree while one of you drops a coconut on his head.
The other option is for him to take the fight to her and ask his wife why she didn't meet him at the hotel room he rented? He waited all night and didn't she remember what special occasion it is? At least that what my wife does when she comes home.

Cordially Yours,
Dagromm

 
At 7:53 PM, Blogger essa said...

Well, if he's told your friend, "I'll leave her someday..." That ain't gonna happen!

 
At 8:20 PM, Blogger jennifer starfall said...

oh, mist. honestly, how can you not know this? arm-breaking requires a baseball bat. preferably a louisville slugger.

 
At 8:23 PM, Blogger Todd said...

I can't believe I forgot about this! I broke someone's kneecap with a 6 D-Cell sized Mag Light once. I'm sure it'll do the same to an arm.

As for the gifts, this sounds like a job for chocolate!

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

legal,

Number two is a better option. I don't own a baseball bat. I don't own any athletic accessories, unless you count my mattress.

dagromm,

Your wife drops coconuts on your head?

Freaky.

essa,

I'll be sure to tell her. He may not have a choice at this point.

jennifer,

Why do you people think that I own a baseball bat? Can't we beat him with an umbrella or a cosmetic bag.

todd,

What the hell is a Mag Light? Is that a beer?

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger mshaw said...

Its what they call the renewal phase. Everyone has freewill to do. On which course of route to choose. Yet we end up thinking if I have done the right thing? Am I happy with this? Contented perhaps? Think of about it. Good Luck!

 
At 6:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mshaw,

No. I still think we should have broken his arm. We're not that spiritual.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger ZenDenizen said...

This is one of the most compelling blog posts I've ever read. Please do keep us updated!

Side note, I hope one day my blog has a forum like this one.

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

zen,

I really should get into the habit of updating, shouldn't I? Maybe I will. I'd even take requests.

 

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