Warning Signs
After yesterday's post, I am feeling nostalgic for my childhood. I have very few specific complaints about my childhood. I harbor a little resentment that I never had a pony. Instead, I got a sister. She has grown on me in the last few years. I used to feed her sugar cubes and carrots and she has adapted nicely to trotting about on all fours. Despite this, when I am pressed, I can come up with plenty of stuff to riddle Mom and Dad with guilt.I send my parents the bills from my therapy. I don't really blame them for my various obsessions and disorders and the voices in my head, but my parents don't know that and so they remit the payments on time. Eventually, I know that my parents will seek their own therapy and get over their feeling of guilt, but until then, I am enjoying exploiting their parental love for my own emotional needs.
They should have paid more attention. At some point in sixth grade, I started hanging out in the bird sanctuary by the lake. There, I looked for traces of owls. I collected and dissected the furry pellets that they left behind. I assembled the bones in the pellets back into tiny mouse skeletons that I kept in shoe boxes in my closet. I told Dad that Jeffrey Dahmer had done the same thing as a child. Dad said, "I've seen your fridge. There are no body parts in there, just pickles. I think you turned out okay."
I asked Dad why he didn't let me watch TV when I was a kid. "You got to watch all of the National Geographic specials that you wanted to," he answered. I complained that they were all old and dated. He countered by asking me how I could tell that a National Geographic special was old. He has a good point. The people in the programs were mostly naked and didn't drive cars or have cell phones or any other indicator of the year in which the program was produced. Still, I can tell when I am not watching modern bush people. I don't know how, I just can.
Dad could not be swayed wouldn't accept the blame. Determined to find out exactly where things started to go wrong, I called Mom.
I remember going to the lake as a kid. The other children yelled "cannonball!" as they jumped of the dock into the lake during summer vacation. I approached the edge of the dock solemnly and shrieked, "Sylviiiiiia Plaaaaath!" before I jumped in. I asked Mom if she ever thought this was strange. She told me that while the other parents were disturbed by my behavior, it never bothered her. "I would have been worried if you had said that before you stuck your head in the oven."
I didn't ask her what I said when I stuck my head in the oven.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:49 AM
84 Comments:
LOL!!! Oh, Mist! You crack me up! I can only imagine what a character you must have been when you were a kid!
You must let us know when/if a movie about your life is made. That would be a hoot! Seriously!
PS. Sylviiiiiiiia Plaaaaaaaaaath!
PS. Whoa! I was first for once? LOL!
I have thought about my childhood recently too. I think at one point it involved a plastic bubble. I also remember the hole in my tummy because I was tube fed.
Do you know what I yelled as I jumped off the edge of my dock? 'Stop staring at me. Haven't you ever seen a kid with a hole in his stomach before?'
It warms the cockles of my heart just thinking about. Thanks for stirring up the warm fuzzies.
I used to tie my sister up with a jumprope and then tie the other end to chairs and stuff and leave her there. I may have even pushed her off the dock....but I don't remember that. Nope. not at all.
I love your entires. They are so loony!
I can totally see this jumping off the dock thing in my head.
My children have no idea who Silvia Plath is. They're very fond of Sponge Bob though.
These childhood memories make me wish I had been born a child.
It's always our family's fault. As luck would have it, I was able to eventually figure out that my brother was an a$$hole, so my problem was solved.
As said before me, you must have been a fun kid to hang out with!
I like how you trained your younger sister. Being the youngest myself, it made me wonder what my brothers and sisters were thinking of when they made me do all those silly things for them... explains a lot actually! Hm?
The Sylvia Plath-scream is a good one and please don't ever put your head in the oven!
My little sister (with a five-year gap between us) was an unplanned pregnancy after my dad arrived home from sea (he was in the merchant navy) and yelled 'surprise'. Boy oh boy was there a surprise 9 months later.
He was about to adopt a gibbon from Sumatra (a weird thing I know but we're talking 45 years ago, before we started respecting species other than our own). My poor sister grew up being told "We could have had a monkey instead of you". Could explain a lot.
Can I ride your sister?
I remember the Royal Wedding - Charles and Diana - all the other kids in the school had commemorative mugs and t-shirts, I wanted, and got, a champagne flute and elaborate hair comb.
It explains a lot.
Puss
"Still, I can tell when I am not watching modern bush people. I don't know how, I just can." now honey i don't care who you are, that's funny!
smiles, bee
GET OUT. That's exactly what I would yell when I jumped into a pool, too. So then, it's settled. It was definitely the TV ban.
Literrary black humor-very nice!
brownie points for you Mist
(Don't get them out of the oven either)
chrissy,
Clearly, I grew up before kids were heavily medicated. I am paying for it now.
michael,
Any time. I remember the boy in the bubble. Was that you?
karmyn,
That's what siblings are for.
kat,
The loonier, the truer.
sqt,
Syliva Plath and Sponge Bob were lovers.
mxi,
Were you stillborn?
velvet,
It must have been hard for your parents when they sold him on the black market.
fab,
I don't use my oven for anything. Not even suicide attempts. I don't cook.
fiona,
I think if given the choice between a monkey and my sister, I would choose my sister. She doesn't throw her feces at me.
mr. fab,
I never hook people up. I don't want to take the blame if things go wrong.
puss,
I need to see this hair comb.
bee,
It's not like they have iPods or anything, but still, you know, don't you?
tammy,
Did you bring a copy of the Communist Manifesto with you to kindergarten?
wreck,
Technically, I think it's bi-racial humor, but I'm not one to argue.
All I could think of as I read today is that dock is very phallic as it sits in that large body of moisture.
Dude,
Sylvia Plath is the sweetest. If only all young, formative, human kids (not the goats) could enjoy such mirth and fancy humour.
"I never had a pony. Instead, I got a sister. She has grown on me in the last few years."
Fungus can grow on you too. It doesn't mean it's a good thing.
p.s. -- can someone please explain to me how to make a part a of comment italics or bold?
I always know that you are good for a laugh first thing in the morning, Mist!
I wish everything was this predictable!
he-heee! Maybe they were impressed and thought you were well on your way to being a scientist or vet? Parents have dreams too!
When asked if he'd like a brother or a sister my eldest son said "I'd prefer a budgie"!
My childhood was that long ago I can't remember it!
Mist, i've got some injectable,long acting Haldol in my briefcase that should get rid of the voices for at least 2 weeks........
when i drunkenly jump into hot tubs i still holler "cannonball!" guess that is what my parents get for allowing me to watch tv as a kid.
happy thursday, mist. i loved this post, but especially appreciated your comment about not sticking your head in the oven since you don't cook. me either. that thing never gets used in my house. sometimes i dust it, but i am sort of against dusting also. sigh. ya know, if my dogs don't care, why should i?
Modern bush people have wi-fi. You can indeed tell the difference.
You totally could have been the weird guy on Dirty Jobs that collects owl barf pellets and sells them to grade schools for dissection...quitter
Am I totally going to be made fun of for this? Who is Sylvia Plath?
I was a boy in the bubble, but sadly not THE boy in the bubble. I so hate semantics!!
Dad said, "I've seen your fridge. There are no body parts in there, just pickles. I think you turned out okay."
I could totally see me saying that.
blitz,
It's a very big dock isn't it? I like big docks.
andy,
Kids (the goat varietal) these days...I don't know what's wrong with them.
legal,
I have a phobia of foot fungus. My sister is not under my toenails. I checked.
I wish I knew how to make my comments stylized too.
stephanie,
I'm predictable? As in boring? I will have to try and add some life to this blog.
av,
Good G*d, that's funny. Thanks.
pool,
Wow. I bet they feel pretty let down right now.
akelamalu,
Did you get him the budgie?
stak,
I like my voices. They complement my shoes.
hello,
Once, I used my oven to make clay beads. They burned.
fringes,
What kind of connection speed do they get in the bush?
furious,
I had no idea that there was a future in that.
p of u,
I will not make fun of you. Sylvia Plath was my suicidal poetic idol as a kid.
michael,
You were so close to fame.
tug,
Daddy? Is that you?
I'm pretty sure that modern bush people have Brazilians. God, I'm ashamed of myself for saying that.
I'm turning on the oven now.
Dagromm
I hear voices in my head all the time, you think maybe your voices can talk to my voices and then we can have less therapy sessions?
Story of my life. I've almost been a lot of things.
dagromm,
I missed the Brazilian special.
es,
Please, ignore the voice that's slurring it's words. It's always like this, no matter the time of day.
michael,
I can't believe the boy in the bubble stole your thunder. You never hear about kids in bubbles anymore. Maybe you should bring it back.
You know, I've thought about it. I'm just one infection away from bubbledom and celebrity status, I guess. I got myself trapped in a turnstile once, can we count that??
"Instead, I got a sister. She has grown on me in the last few years. I used to feed her sugar cubes and carrots and she has adapted nicely to trotting about on all fours."
LMAO!!! Mist you are a riot!
My mom said something rude to me on the phone, and I said "Great, Mom, nice thing to say when I'm this close to putting my head in the oven." and she said" Really? Where are you standing?"
Parents. Harumph.
In response to one of your earlier comments on comments -- I never brought the Communist Manifesto to school either, although once I brought my copy of Mao's Little Red Book.
I always thought it was interesting that Mao's portrait had a little rice paper protector.
Anyway, the nuns were seriously concerned....
I can definitely tell old from modern bush people.
SYLVIIIIIIIIA PLAAAAAATH!
michael,
I think the turnstile story would be an excellent Lifetime movie.
tera,
My sister still does kid's birthday parties and stuff. She's really gentle and has never bucked anyone off her back.
tracy,
Clearly, that was just a cry for help because you wouldn't be commenting here if you had done it. Are you still close to the oven?
curm,
I had the Little Red Book too. Also, my favorite bedtime story was Little Daughters of the Grassland. It was a touching story about two girl's struggle growing up in Communist China.
scotts,
I want to jump in my pool right now and scream that. I wonder if the water is cold.
We could call it Turning.
if your fridge is full of nothing but pickles, I honestly don't think that equates to turning out 'OK'....LOL
I can see you saying something like, "Mom..the oven light isn't working"
I was actually in the living room. And I don't use my stove because I am At War With The Gas Company, Those Bastards.
One cannot possibly kill oneself with a toaster oven, and so I have given it up.
Killing myself, that is. I still use the toaster oven.
If you're anything like me you said "It's shake and bake and I helped" with your head in the oven.
That's funny. Cuz when I jump off the edge of a dock, I yell "Annnnnne Sextonnnnnnnn!" I think we're soul mates.
That's funny. Cuz when I jump off the edge of a dock, I yell "Annnnnne Sextonnnnnnnn!" I think we're soul mates.
Yes we got him budgie. But it was too late, so he got a brother as well!
stephanie,
I am going to try to be boring tomorrow. Let's see what happens.
michael,
I like bubble wrap. I would be tempted to pop the bubble of the boy in the bubble.
miztris,
You have food in your bedroom. You cannot judge my eating habits.
tom,
Please, I've read that book before. That's right when the wicked witch pushes the kids in and closes the oven door.
tracy,
I had a pretty nasty toaster oven injury. Wait, I think that was the dishwasher. Either way, I don't want to die in the kitchen.
susan,
My mom used to quote those commercials all the time. Now I wonder if she was suicidal.
lcg,
Shuttup. We're totally going to the lake this summer. Can we go on a weekend when my dad isn't at the cabin?
akelamalu,
The budgie got a brother? Oh, I'm confused. I have to rest now.
Well now I'm happy I wasn't the boy. You would have burst my bubble Mist!
michael,
I try really hard not to burst other people's bubbles only to make my bubble seem bubblier.
That is very thoughtful of you. I knew you were capable. You're so effervescent.
"Bushmen of the Kalahari" was one of my favorite National Geographic stories.
"just pickles"... and pickle jars?..
[tapping fingers on desk impatiently.]
I have walked through the Roberts bird sanctuary many times, but I never found any mouse skeletons. It just proves that sometimes in life we must slow down and take time to smell the owl pellets.
On Discovery channel, I can't stop watching when the tribe with the penis gourds are on. Ever seen it?
I had a sister and no pony, too. And she's got a bad back, so I can't ride her, even though she's freakishly tall
My sister had a pony and they stink!
-K
PS - Sanajaya means victory!!!
Remember the song, "She's Strange"...
An incredibly disturbed childhood, if you ask me. Subtle but quite obvious; your destiny in life was to go on a muderous, blood curdling rampage of death and destruction as a serial killer. By day you're you (whatever that entails) by night you're Super-you, slashing hoes and toes however it goes.
I'm sorry, I just had to. Don't be a hater. My observation is correct, sir. And you know it ;)
In that case, I am more than willing to donate one of the four sisters I have to you....or anyone for that matter.
Any takers?
i just checked my fridge and feel all kinds of good about me. in addition to pickles i have salsa. and 2 bottles of ketel one (the huge honkin mack daddy bottle and a regular bottle), mandarin orange vodka, a case of yuengling, a half case of rolling rock (pony bottles! see what happened because i didn't get the pony i asked for when i was 9), a bottle of bailey's (this irish girl needs something in her coffee and milk goes bad too quickly), a bottle of don julio tequila, a large and lovely bottle of maker's mark, filtered water and pomegranate iced tea. oh wait! i have cheese also. love me some cheese. that drawer is full of different cheeses. mmmmm...
q of d,
It's probably not too late.
michael,
I love the word effervescence. I also like Alka-Seltzer.
nwjr,
Did you see the sequel?
maximo,
I also have mustard.
onkel,
Also, you might try crawling on all fours.
nance,
What is a penis gourd and where can I get one?
choo,
Maybe she could be an ornamental pony.
kristi,
I thought Sanjaya meant vagina.
jali,
You aren't referring to me, are you?
orhan,
I wish I had super powers, even if I only used them to slash hos.
legal,
Do any of your sisters like sugar cubes?
hello,
Can I come over, please?
It fits your 'bubbly' personality. Fizz is also fun to say. As is Podunk and Fitzpatrick, but those two really don't apply here.
'By the hammer of Thor' has a nice ring to it as well.
if you turn off the frikken word verification that hates me, absofrikkenlutely you can come on over! i should warn you that the crunchy dill pickles, most of the "small" ketel one bottle and a good portion of the cheese might be gone by the time you get here...or by the time i finish this comment. sometimes i get thirsty. and hungry.
when you decide to pop by i'll put some of the chardonnay in the fridge, but normally i avoid doing that because i get tempted to drink / chug it. plenty of red wine on the rack, though. does a wine's color matter to you or are you like me and simply enjoy "wine" (i try not to discriminate)
WOW! No TV? Really? I always had the grand intentions that I would be that type of parent...but then my kids started getting on my damn nerves...and on came The Wiggles! I only have myself to blame!
no t.v. is kinda normal for kids who had parents that didn't want them to be sucked into that boob tube stuff.
the tiny mouse skeletons?
not so normal.
But we love you anyway.
My little sisters got a pony. And a horse. And all I got was a ten-speed.
michael,
Everything applies here. Randomness is sort of my thing.
I also like Pop Rocks.
hello,
I only drink Chardonnay when I run out of red wine and rubbing alcohol. It gives me a headache.
q of m,
My dad let me watch Mr. Roger's Neighborhood because he thought Lady Aberlin was hot.
kiyotoe,
Wanna see my collection?
matt,
I'm sure that your parents loved you. Just not as much as they loved your sisters.
Sheeeeeeell Siiiiiiiiiilverstein
I don't even know if my childhood was so great, I basically remember just getting yelled a lot:]]
Randomimity is good. Coke with sweetner is good for a fizz rush, too.
I was my own censor as a kid. My parents would sit there letting us watch *anything* on broadcast television. They didn't seem to think that there was anything wrong with watching Angela Lansbury or Dick Van Dyke solve murder after murder on Murder She Wrote, and Diagnosis Murder respectively. I would have killed to be Andy Rooney on Matlock. The episode that ruined me though was the 21 jump street episode where a teenage runaway is found dead after prostituting himself out to men for money. I was NINE, and the funny part is my parents didn't make me stop watching - I made me stop watching. I'm jealous that you grew up without tv; that's why you're so creative.
We didn't have TV until I was 12 because we lived in rural USA and let's face it, I'm old. I know, I know, I type so young...
nolff,
F*ck, that's funny. You scored a funny point.
nefty,
I don't remember much either. That's why I call my parents so much.
Thanks for coming by.
michael,
Is randominity a word?
amp,
Ooooh, 21 Jump Street. The things that wet dreams are made of.
laurie,
I'm so impressed with your computer skills right now.
Only if you want it to be. I find fewer people question my knowledge if they have to keep going to a dictionary to validate the words I use. Try it.
As always you've brightened my day Mist. Thanks!
All of them do.... Where should I send them? It's a four for one special!
My parents were ands till are against anything remotely sexual including nudity so National Geographic specials, scenes involving a couple in bed under the sheets and some Hee-Haw jokes were deemed unwatchable for me. Weird for otherwise "progresive" people.
michael,
I don't want to play Scrabble with you.
meredith,
Anytime. No one says that when they meet me.
legal,
Is this like getting a mail-order bride?
sornie,
National Geographic is sexual? Maybe I should watch it again.
i want your parents... ;-)
nofear,
They will pay your therapy bills too. Just make them feel guilty.
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