To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, May 03, 2007

Warning Signs


After yesterday's post, I am feeling nostalgic for my childhood. I have very few specific complaints about my childhood. I harbor a little resentment that I never had a pony. Instead, I got a sister. She has grown on me in the last few years. I used to feed her sugar cubes and carrots and she has adapted nicely to trotting about on all fours. Despite this, when I am pressed, I can come up with plenty of stuff to riddle Mom and Dad with guilt.

I send my parents the bills from my therapy. I don't really blame them for my various obsessions and disorders and the voices in my head, but my parents don't know that and so they remit the payments on time. Eventually, I know that my parents will seek their own therapy and get over their feeling of guilt, but until then, I am enjoying exploiting their parental love for my own emotional needs.

They should have paid more attention. At some point in sixth grade, I started hanging out in the bird sanctuary by the lake. There, I looked for traces of owls. I collected and dissected the furry pellets that they left behind. I assembled the bones in the pellets back into tiny mouse skeletons that I kept in shoe boxes in my closet. I told Dad that Jeffrey Dahmer had done the same thing as a child. Dad said, "I've seen your fridge. There are no body parts in there, just pickles. I think you turned out okay."

I asked Dad why he didn't let me watch TV when I was a kid. "You got to watch all of the National Geographic specials that you wanted to," he answered. I complained that they were all old and dated. He countered by asking me how I could tell that a National Geographic special was old. He has a good point. The people in the programs were mostly naked and didn't drive cars or have cell phones or any other indicator of the year in which the program was produced. Still, I can tell when I am not watching modern bush people. I don't know how, I just can.

Dad could not be swayed wouldn't accept the blame. Determined to find out exactly where things started to go wrong, I called Mom.

I remember going to the lake as a kid. The other children yelled "cannonball!" as they jumped of the dock into the lake during summer vacation. I approached the edge of the dock solemnly and shrieked, "Sylviiiiiia Plaaaaath!" before I jumped in. I asked Mom if she ever thought this was strange. She told me that while the other parents were disturbed by my behavior, it never bothered her. "I would have been worried if you had said that before you stuck your head in the oven."

I didn't ask her what I said when I stuck my head in the oven.

Mist 1


87 Comments:

At 9:06 PM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

LOL!!! Oh, Mist! You crack me up! I can only imagine what a character you must have been when you were a kid!

You must let us know when/if a movie about your life is made. That would be a hoot! Seriously!

PS. Sylviiiiiiiia Plaaaaaaaaaath!

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

PS. Whoa! I was first for once? LOL!

 
At 9:14 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I have thought about my childhood recently too. I think at one point it involved a plastic bubble. I also remember the hole in my tummy because I was tube fed.

Do you know what I yelled as I jumped off the edge of my dock? 'Stop staring at me. Haven't you ever seen a kid with a hole in his stomach before?'

It warms the cockles of my heart just thinking about. Thanks for stirring up the warm fuzzies.

 
At 10:59 PM, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

I used to tie my sister up with a jumprope and then tie the other end to chairs and stuff and leave her there. I may have even pushed her off the dock....but I don't remember that. Nope. not at all.

 
At 11:03 PM, Blogger kat said...

I love your entires. They are so loony!

I can totally see this jumping off the dock thing in my head.

 
At 11:21 PM, Blogger SQT said...

My children have no idea who Silvia Plath is. They're very fond of Sponge Bob though.

 
At 11:56 PM, Blogger MXI said...

These childhood memories make me wish I had been born a child.

 
At 12:38 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

It's always our family's fault. As luck would have it, I was able to eventually figure out that my brother was an a$$hole, so my problem was solved.

 
At 1:38 AM, Blogger Fab said...

As said before me, you must have been a fun kid to hang out with!

I like how you trained your younger sister. Being the youngest myself, it made me wonder what my brothers and sisters were thinking of when they made me do all those silly things for them... explains a lot actually! Hm?

The Sylvia Plath-scream is a good one and please don't ever put your head in the oven!

 
At 1:59 AM, Blogger Fiona said...

My little sister (with a five-year gap between us) was an unplanned pregnancy after my dad arrived home from sea (he was in the merchant navy) and yelled 'surprise'. Boy oh boy was there a surprise 9 months later.

He was about to adopt a gibbon from Sumatra (a weird thing I know but we're talking 45 years ago, before we started respecting species other than our own). My poor sister grew up being told "We could have had a monkey instead of you". Could explain a lot.

 
At 2:54 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Can I ride your sister?

 
At 3:11 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I remember the Royal Wedding - Charles and Diana - all the other kids in the school had commemorative mugs and t-shirts, I wanted, and got, a champagne flute and elaborate hair comb.

It explains a lot.

Puss

 
At 4:23 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

"Still, I can tell when I am not watching modern bush people. I don't know how, I just can." now honey i don't care who you are, that's funny!

smiles, bee

 
At 4:44 AM, Blogger tammy said...

GET OUT. That's exactly what I would yell when I jumped into a pool, too. So then, it's settled. It was definitely the TV ban.

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

Literrary black humor-very nice!
brownie points for you Mist
(Don't get them out of the oven either)

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

chrissy,

Clearly, I grew up before kids were heavily medicated. I am paying for it now.

michael,

Any time. I remember the boy in the bubble. Was that you?

karmyn,

That's what siblings are for.

kat,

The loonier, the truer.

sqt,

Syliva Plath and Sponge Bob were lovers.

mxi,

Were you stillborn?

velvet,

It must have been hard for your parents when they sold him on the black market.

fab,

I don't use my oven for anything. Not even suicide attempts. I don't cook.

fiona,

I think if given the choice between a monkey and my sister, I would choose my sister. She doesn't throw her feces at me.

mr. fab,

I never hook people up. I don't want to take the blame if things go wrong.

puss,

I need to see this hair comb.

bee,

It's not like they have iPods or anything, but still, you know, don't you?

tammy,

Did you bring a copy of the Communist Manifesto with you to kindergarten?

wreck,

Technically, I think it's bi-racial humor, but I'm not one to argue.

 
At 5:40 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

All I could think of as I read today is that dock is very phallic as it sits in that large body of moisture.

 
At 5:41 AM, Anonymous andy said...

Dude,

Sylvia Plath is the sweetest. If only all young, formative, human kids (not the goats) could enjoy such mirth and fancy humour.

 
At 5:46 AM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

"I never had a pony. Instead, I got a sister. She has grown on me in the last few years."

Fungus can grow on you too. It doesn't mean it's a good thing.


p.s. -- can someone please explain to me how to make a part a of comment italics or bold?

 
At 5:48 AM, Blogger stephanie said...

I always know that you are good for a laugh first thing in the morning, Mist!

I wish everything was this predictable!

 
At 5:54 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Modern bush people shave and become modern landing strip people.

 
At 6:05 AM, Blogger Reflecting Pool said...

he-heee! Maybe they were impressed and thought you were well on your way to being a scientist or vet? Parents have dreams too!

 
At 6:29 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

When asked if he'd like a brother or a sister my eldest son said "I'd prefer a budgie"!

My childhood was that long ago I can't remember it!

 
At 6:38 AM, Blogger STAK said...

Mist, i've got some injectable,long acting Haldol in my briefcase that should get rid of the voices for at least 2 weeks........

 
At 6:44 AM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

when i drunkenly jump into hot tubs i still holler "cannonball!" guess that is what my parents get for allowing me to watch tv as a kid.

happy thursday, mist. i loved this post, but especially appreciated your comment about not sticking your head in the oven since you don't cook. me either. that thing never gets used in my house. sometimes i dust it, but i am sort of against dusting also. sigh. ya know, if my dogs don't care, why should i?

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Modern bush people have wi-fi. You can indeed tell the difference.

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

You totally could have been the weird guy on Dirty Jobs that collects owl barf pellets and sells them to grade schools for dissection...quitter

 
At 7:02 AM, Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

Am I totally going to be made fun of for this? Who is Sylvia Plath?

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

I was a boy in the bubble, but sadly not THE boy in the bubble. I so hate semantics!!

 
At 7:20 AM, Blogger Tug said...

Dad said, "I've seen your fridge. There are no body parts in there, just pickles. I think you turned out okay."

I could totally see me saying that.

 
At 7:20 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

blitz,

It's a very big dock isn't it? I like big docks.

andy,

Kids (the goat varietal) these days...I don't know what's wrong with them.

legal,

I have a phobia of foot fungus. My sister is not under my toenails. I checked.

I wish I knew how to make my comments stylized too.

stephanie,

I'm predictable? As in boring? I will have to try and add some life to this blog.

av,

Good G*d, that's funny. Thanks.

pool,

Wow. I bet they feel pretty let down right now.

akelamalu,

Did you get him the budgie?

stak,

I like my voices. They complement my shoes.

hello,

Once, I used my oven to make clay beads. They burned.

fringes,

What kind of connection speed do they get in the bush?

furious,

I had no idea that there was a future in that.

p of u,

I will not make fun of you. Sylvia Plath was my suicidal poetic idol as a kid.

michael,

You were so close to fame.

 
At 7:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

Daddy? Is that you?

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

I'm pretty sure that modern bush people have Brazilians. God, I'm ashamed of myself for saying that.

I'm turning on the oven now.

Dagromm

 
At 7:31 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

I hear voices in my head all the time, you think maybe your voices can talk to my voices and then we can have less therapy sessions?

 
At 7:33 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Story of my life. I've almost been a lot of things.

 
At 8:02 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

dagromm,

I missed the Brazilian special.

es,

Please, ignore the voice that's slurring it's words. It's always like this, no matter the time of day.

michael,

I can't believe the boy in the bubble stole your thunder. You never hear about kids in bubbles anymore. Maybe you should bring it back.

 
At 8:17 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

You know, I've thought about it. I'm just one infection away from bubbledom and celebrity status, I guess. I got myself trapped in a turnstile once, can we count that??

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger Tera said...

"Instead, I got a sister. She has grown on me in the last few years. I used to feed her sugar cubes and carrots and she has adapted nicely to trotting about on all fours."

LMAO!!! Mist you are a riot!

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

My mom said something rude to me on the phone, and I said "Great, Mom, nice thing to say when I'm this close to putting my head in the oven." and she said" Really? Where are you standing?"

Parents. Harumph.

 
At 8:25 AM, Blogger The Curmudgeon said...

In response to one of your earlier comments on comments -- I never brought the Communist Manifesto to school either, although once I brought my copy of Mao's Little Red Book.

I always thought it was interesting that Mao's portrait had a little rice paper protector.

Anyway, the nuns were seriously concerned....

 
At 8:31 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I can definitely tell old from modern bush people.

SYLVIIIIIIIIA PLAAAAAATH!

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I think the turnstile story would be an excellent Lifetime movie.

tera,

My sister still does kid's birthday parties and stuff. She's really gentle and has never bucked anyone off her back.

tracy,

Clearly, that was just a cry for help because you wouldn't be commenting here if you had done it. Are you still close to the oven?

curm,

I had the Little Red Book too. Also, my favorite bedtime story was Little Daughters of the Grassland. It was a touching story about two girl's struggle growing up in Communist China.

scotts,

I want to jump in my pool right now and scream that. I wonder if the water is cold.

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger stephanie said...

Mist, the last word in the world I could ever call you would be boring.

You are most definitely NOT boring.

Funny as fucking hell?

Definitely.

Boring?

No fucking way!

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

We could call it Turning.

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

if your fridge is full of nothing but pickles, I honestly don't think that equates to turning out 'OK'....LOL

 
At 9:17 AM, Anonymous tom said...

I can see you saying something like, "Mom..the oven light isn't working"

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

I was actually in the living room. And I don't use my stove because I am At War With The Gas Company, Those Bastards.

One cannot possibly kill oneself with a toaster oven, and so I have given it up.

 
At 9:23 AM, Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

Killing myself, that is. I still use the toaster oven.

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger Susan said...

If you're anything like me you said "It's shake and bake and I helped" with your head in the oven.

 
At 9:51 AM, Anonymous la cubana gringa said...

That's funny. Cuz when I jump off the edge of a dock, I yell "Annnnnne Sextonnnnnnnn!" I think we're soul mates.

 
At 9:53 AM, Anonymous la cubana gringa said...

That's funny. Cuz when I jump off the edge of a dock, I yell "Annnnnne Sextonnnnnnnn!" I think we're soul mates.

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

Yes we got him budgie. But it was too late, so he got a brother as well!

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

stephanie,

I am going to try to be boring tomorrow. Let's see what happens.

michael,

I like bubble wrap. I would be tempted to pop the bubble of the boy in the bubble.

miztris,

You have food in your bedroom. You cannot judge my eating habits.

tom,

Please, I've read that book before. That's right when the wicked witch pushes the kids in and closes the oven door.

tracy,

I had a pretty nasty toaster oven injury. Wait, I think that was the dishwasher. Either way, I don't want to die in the kitchen.

susan,

My mom used to quote those commercials all the time. Now I wonder if she was suicidal.

lcg,

Shuttup. We're totally going to the lake this summer. Can we go on a weekend when my dad isn't at the cabin?

akelamalu,

The budgie got a brother? Oh, I'm confused. I have to rest now.

 
At 10:45 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Well now I'm happy I wasn't the boy. You would have burst my bubble Mist!

 
At 10:47 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I try really hard not to burst other people's bubbles only to make my bubble seem bubblier.

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

Perhaps if you had raided your local hospital's dumpster for human body parts to reconfigure your parents might have bought you a house and a car instead of simple therapy. Just a thought.

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

That is very thoughtful of you. I knew you were capable. You're so effervescent.

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

"Bushmen of the Kalahari" was one of my favorite National Geographic stories.

 
At 12:17 PM, Blogger maximo said...

"just pickles"... and pickle jars?..

[tapping fingers on desk impatiently.]

 
At 12:33 PM, Blogger Onkel Hankie Pants said...

I have walked through the Roberts bird sanctuary many times, but I never found any mouse skeletons. It just proves that sometimes in life we must slow down and take time to smell the owl pellets.

 
At 12:57 PM, Blogger Nance said...

On Discovery channel, I can't stop watching when the tribe with the penis gourds are on. Ever seen it?

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger choochoo said...

I had a sister and no pony, too. And she's got a bad back, so I can't ride her, even though she's freakishly tall

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger Kristi Mantoni said...

My sister had a pony and they stink!

-K

PS - Sanajaya means victory!!!

 
At 1:57 PM, Blogger jali said...

Remember the song, "She's Strange"...

 
At 2:27 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

An incredibly disturbed childhood, if you ask me. Subtle but quite obvious; your destiny in life was to go on a muderous, blood curdling rampage of death and destruction as a serial killer. By day you're you (whatever that entails) by night you're Super-you, slashing hoes and toes however it goes.

I'm sorry, I just had to. Don't be a hater. My observation is correct, sir. And you know it ;)

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

In that case, I am more than willing to donate one of the four sisters I have to you....or anyone for that matter.

Any takers?

 
At 2:59 PM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

i just checked my fridge and feel all kinds of good about me. in addition to pickles i have salsa. and 2 bottles of ketel one (the huge honkin mack daddy bottle and a regular bottle), mandarin orange vodka, a case of yuengling, a half case of rolling rock (pony bottles! see what happened because i didn't get the pony i asked for when i was 9), a bottle of bailey's (this irish girl needs something in her coffee and milk goes bad too quickly), a bottle of don julio tequila, a large and lovely bottle of maker's mark, filtered water and pomegranate iced tea. oh wait! i have cheese also. love me some cheese. that drawer is full of different cheeses. mmmmm...

 
At 3:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

q of d,

It's probably not too late.

michael,

I love the word effervescence. I also like Alka-Seltzer.

nwjr,

Did you see the sequel?

maximo,

I also have mustard.

onkel,

Also, you might try crawling on all fours.

nance,

What is a penis gourd and where can I get one?

choo,

Maybe she could be an ornamental pony.

kristi,

I thought Sanjaya meant vagina.

jali,

You aren't referring to me, are you?

orhan,

I wish I had super powers, even if I only used them to slash hos.

legal,

Do any of your sisters like sugar cubes?

hello,

Can I come over, please?

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

It fits your 'bubbly' personality. Fizz is also fun to say. As is Podunk and Fitzpatrick, but those two really don't apply here.

'By the hammer of Thor' has a nice ring to it as well.

 
At 3:30 PM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

if you turn off the frikken word verification that hates me, absofrikkenlutely you can come on over! i should warn you that the crunchy dill pickles, most of the "small" ketel one bottle and a good portion of the cheese might be gone by the time you get here...or by the time i finish this comment. sometimes i get thirsty. and hungry.

when you decide to pop by i'll put some of the chardonnay in the fridge, but normally i avoid doing that because i get tempted to drink / chug it. plenty of red wine on the rack, though. does a wine's color matter to you or are you like me and simply enjoy "wine" (i try not to discriminate)

 
At 3:39 PM, Blogger Queen of the Mayhem said...

WOW! No TV? Really? I always had the grand intentions that I would be that type of parent...but then my kids started getting on my damn nerves...and on came The Wiggles! I only have myself to blame!

 
At 3:42 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

no t.v. is kinda normal for kids who had parents that didn't want them to be sucked into that boob tube stuff.

the tiny mouse skeletons?

not so normal.

But we love you anyway.

 
At 3:53 PM, Blogger Matt said...

My little sisters got a pony. And a horse. And all I got was a ten-speed.

 
At 5:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Everything applies here. Randomness is sort of my thing.

I also like Pop Rocks.

hello,

I only drink Chardonnay when I run out of red wine and rubbing alcohol. It gives me a headache.

q of m,

My dad let me watch Mr. Roger's Neighborhood because he thought Lady Aberlin was hot.

kiyotoe,

Wanna see my collection?

matt,

I'm sure that your parents loved you. Just not as much as they loved your sisters.

 
At 6:51 PM, Blogger Nölff said...

Sheeeeeeell Siiiiiiiiiilverstein

 
At 6:57 PM, Blogger `NEFTY said...

I don't even know if my childhood was so great, I basically remember just getting yelled a lot:]]

 
At 7:51 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Randomimity is good. Coke with sweetner is good for a fizz rush, too.

 
At 7:52 PM, Blogger A Million Paths said...

I was my own censor as a kid. My parents would sit there letting us watch *anything* on broadcast television. They didn't seem to think that there was anything wrong with watching Angela Lansbury or Dick Van Dyke solve murder after murder on Murder She Wrote, and Diagnosis Murder respectively. I would have killed to be Andy Rooney on Matlock. The episode that ruined me though was the 21 jump street episode where a teenage runaway is found dead after prostituting himself out to men for money. I was NINE, and the funny part is my parents didn't make me stop watching - I made me stop watching. I'm jealous that you grew up without tv; that's why you're so creative.

 
At 8:12 PM, Blogger Laurie said...

We didn't have TV until I was 12 because we lived in rural USA and let's face it, I'm old. I know, I know, I type so young...

 
At 8:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nolff,

F*ck, that's funny. You scored a funny point.

nefty,

I don't remember much either. That's why I call my parents so much.

Thanks for coming by.

michael,

Is randominity a word?

amp,

Ooooh, 21 Jump Street. The things that wet dreams are made of.

laurie,

I'm so impressed with your computer skills right now.

 
At 8:41 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Only if you want it to be. I find fewer people question my knowledge if they have to keep going to a dictionary to validate the words I use. Try it.

 
At 2:02 AM, Blogger Meredith said...

As always you've brightened my day Mist. Thanks!

 
At 5:06 AM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

All of them do.... Where should I send them? It's a four for one special!

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger Sornie said...

My parents were ands till are against anything remotely sexual including nudity so National Geographic specials, scenes involving a couple in bed under the sheets and some Hee-Haw jokes were deemed unwatchable for me. Weird for otherwise "progresive" people.

 
At 5:27 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I don't want to play Scrabble with you.

meredith,

Anytime. No one says that when they meet me.

legal,

Is this like getting a mail-order bride?

sornie,

National Geographic is sexual? Maybe I should watch it again.

 
At 5:47 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

i want your parents... ;-)

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nofear,

They will pay your therapy bills too. Just make them feel guilty.

 

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Name: Mist1
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