Respecting My Elders
I had this coming.Yesterday, I wrote about how I am tormenting dear, sweet, generous, kind, lovely Enid. It is wrong and I can see that now.
I have always wondered why the elderly travel together. I wondered why they chartered buses and took outlet malls by siege. Now, I know. Old people work together. Senior Centers offer ceramics and line dancing classes as a cover for their operations. They are an organized crime force communicating through an elaborate hearing aid network. They manipulate the legal system with ADA laws and AARP goons. I have proof.
In the process of moving, I have decided that I no longer need any of my worldly possessions outside of my shoes and my laptop and a few choice hair and body products. Everything else, I have decided to bag up and throw away. I think this is very Zen of me. Plus, I can buy new stuff once I finally move into the new condo.
In the past 48 hours, I have thrown out a wall shelf unit, a house plant, a bra with straps that never stayed put, three vases with small chips, a set of three teacups and four saucers, and several other items that at one point, I thought that I might die if I did not own them. Now, I just can't see myself packing and moving them. It took several trips to the dumpster to purge my home of all these things. My arms have never looked more toned. They have also never been more bruised.
Last night, on my final trip to the dumpster, I spotted Miss Chris. Miss Chris has lived here since the continents were fused together. She tells stories about how the dinosaurs roamed the Earth and how Coca-Cola was a nickel. I like Miss Chris, but I hate when she is at the dumpster. She means well. She's a recycler. She has dragged my trash out of the dumpster only to give it back to me a few days later. I have had to load the trunk of my car with garbage and dump it in another neighborhood, just to avoid receiving it all back again as a gift at my back door. A ticket for illegal dumping my my community can cost up to $1,000 or 100 days in jail. I paid the fine for my first offense, but I cannot stand to do 100 days, so dumping is not an option.
I cringed when I saw Miss Chris. She had laid the former contents of my home out like a garage sale. I saw the panties that laced up the sides that I had thrown away because they were too complicated. She grouped my broken umbrellas together according to color. All of the shabby chic (it was a phase) iron items that once adorned the dining room were collected in a rusty pile. I felt violated. My life was on display. I don't need people to see the dusty candles that I never burned in the bathroom. I am ashamed of the number of times that I have purchased the wrong color nail polish, only to let it get sticky and separate in the bottle. But, there it was, ordered and on display.
I doubled back home with my trash bag. I brought it inside and thought of Enid and how I should have returned her damn jar. Then I wrote my grandmother's each a letter. They love getting mail. I figured that once they receive the lovely notes from me, they will call off their elderly thugs.
Until then, I will continue to place a few scoops of used kitty litter in every bag of trash.
Mist 1
PS: To fulfill the community service condition of Avitable's probation, he has volunteered to assist technologically delayed bloggers create widgets to let you subscribe to the comments here. Thanks for the help, Av. Sorry I won't be sending you that picture of my nipple that I promised.
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:32 AM
107 Comments:
You are amazing. You got through a complete blog that mentioned the elderly working together and in groups and you didn't mention bingo once. I wouldn't have made it past the 3rd sentence without succumbing.
In large numbers, the elderly are an army of poor drivers.
You're welshing on a deal? Horrible! I guess I'll just have to take payment in person now.
See, old people are bonkers. I'm willing to help with your old-people problem.
- Buy lots and lots of fire ants.
- Dump fire ants into your garbage bag.
- Tie garbage bag tight.
- Leave garbage bag out where old lady will find it.
Problem solved.
michael,
I have been to a few BINGO nights. None of them involved the elderly. Some attendees were in drag, some dressed like Elvis, but none were old. Maybe I hang out in the wrong places.
mal,
Me too. I am an old person just waiting to happen.
av,
Sorry. I'm like that. I think that's called re-nipping.
todd,
I'm not buying ants. That's as dumb as the roaches they tried to sell me at the pet store.
nina,
I had to quit watching when Tony was in a coma.
Old coffee grinds work splendidly for securing your trash from being sorted as well.
~GINA
Michael C said...
You are amazing. You got through a complete blog that mentioned the elderly working together and in groups and you didn't mention bingo once. I wouldn't have made it past the 3rd sentence without succumbing.
:werd:
I was tempted to copy Michael C but I controlled my mean streak.
I do my dance classes on cruise ships.
And I have stopped getting things out of dumpsters. Most of what I got earlier in life have now been disposed of again. Finally, a few are now antiques.
..
Maybe you should just wait until your last day to throw everything out and then drive as quickly as possible to your new digs without leaving a forwarding address. I just hope everyone at your new condo is under 40.
I hate people going through my personal belongings.
It could have been worse. You could have thrown out a vibrator.
Toned and bruised arms? You should come pole dancing with me - the effect is the same but it provides a much better pick-up line when you get asked at the bar how you got the bruises.
And stop chucking away lingerie - just send it to me - I am the poster child for complicated knickers and it sounds like they'd be perfect for my Houdini strip tease routine.
Puss
Aaahhhh Karma!
You should have listened to me (almost elderly) when I advised a yard sale! :)
with the Cult of the Aged on your ass be extra careful when driving Mist - some of those Greyhairs have lethal road maneuvers that can take you out - just like that.
I thought maybe it was called Indian nippling.
You won! Go get your award(s)!
My neighbor is always buying junk at a yard sale and then giving it to me. I have a whole closet full of Micky Mouse serving platters and Christmas bedding and other stuff of like that.
I can't wait until I get old enough to do this stuff to a young neighbor. I'm thinking around 60, I will start the madness. And out of politeness, they have to be nice to me. Hee hee.
If Miss Chris has the intestinal fortitude to be dumpster diving, I'm not sure that a little used kitty litter is going to be enough of a deterrent.
(drat! she's on to us now and she's blabbing it to the whole blogesphere. drat! hq? need a way to shut her up here, send help! bee)
hi mist honey, funny you should think that about old people, we're not that bad honey. just a few of us are a little dim witted, see? and we don't have an aarp network or anything, i swear. now be a good little girl and put the stuff in the trash, okay?
smile, bee
Old people are NOT working together! They ca barely remember to take their meds and wipe thier chin hairs. Oh wait, that sounded mean. How about this, old people are not dogs, they do not pack. Hmmm, maybe not. Well, at any rate, I bet you'll be glad to be rid of dumpster lady.
can't you sue people like that crazy old broad? that ain't right. she needs a hobby. or a pet. or a lobotomy.
Does she just give your stuff back to you, or does she give stuff to other neighbors as well? Does she ever give you something that wasn't yours?
I'm glad you've figured out the intricacies of the senior citizen network. I'll hope there are no recruits in the new place to carry on the plot against you.
I want to go to bingo with you mist. I love to watch Elvis play bingo.
Hmmmm, I remember going through a shabby chic phase two w/ all of the iron shit my girl dragged into the house.
I had no idea what was going on.
Btw, stop purging.
I meant to say "too" instead of "two."
Too much vodka on the rive to work this morn.
It's also their own little conspiracy as to why they drive slow in the fast lane and insist finding exact change in the check-out line.
Subscribing to your comments for the privilege of getting 150 pieces of mail dumped in my box by 10 am? Yeah, where do I sign up?
cookie,
My coffee grinder is at the new place, the French press is at the old place.
orhan,
I had no idea that you were so fond of BINGO.
jim,
Maybe I shouldn't have thrown everything away. I could eventually have Target antiques.
churlita,
A large fire is also a good option.
phishez,
I did. Seriously.
puss,
I have a pole class this week. You have inspired me.
akelamalu,
Call off the elderly.
rhian,
They will never catch me.
av,
I think the PC term is Native American Nippling.
christie,
I hope it's the gift of shoes.
debbie,
Why Mickey Mouse? Oh, I would have to move.
velvet,
That's a great point. What do you suggest, smallpox?
bee,
You are part of the international ring. I am on to you and your "cruises."
reflecting,
Please, don't say "rid of the dumpster lady," that makes it sound like I'm going to off her.
hello,
I need a hobby too.
woo-woo,
Sometimes, I get stuff that's not mine. It horrifies me to think that someone got my ratty cami set.
susan,
It is BINGO for a good cause. The Elvis guys bump and grind on anyone who gets an O69.
matt,
Shabby chic got a lot of us.
cyber,
Crap, according to you, my dad is old.
fringes,
Your enthusiasm is greatly appreciated.
I want to join you and Susan on your bingo nights.
And I DEFINITELY want to get coached by Glaomour Puss on the Houdini strip tease...
I am getting old. My body told me.
-N
I KNEW it was a conspiracy!!! Will we assume a seat in that group when we're older???
Do people really like to recycle other people's underwear?
LMAO at the "hearing aid network!"
p of u,
I pretty much want Puss to teach me everything.
natalia,
Don't listen to it. Just keep wearing your hair in the same style for the rest of your life.
tera,
I should have written this in a smaller font so that they couldn't read it.
aww, mist... why do you listen to me?
don't listen to me! at least half the time, i'm just mouth-farting.
maximo,
I am not a good listener.
btw--you should set miss chris loose on ebay and let her go to town.
It's what separates us from the beasties, our ability to find each other and make ourselves a gang. Mafia, if you know a second language.
maximo,
I want part of the profit if she's selling my stuff.
booda,
I prefer gangs because I look cool when I contort my fingers into that whole Westsiiiiide thing.
Dude,
I knew the elderly were in some sort of consipracy but I always guessed it was about Meth. Hmm.
You should really watch that illegal dumping. Not very lady-like. Although, Grace-Jones-Esque though you are, I think you'd hold up real well in the pen. I bet you widdle one hell of a shiv.
Bingo with Elvis? Have you played Bingo in Vegas? I did once, but was disappointed. Strangely, it was just like playing Bingo at my grandparents' mobile home park.
in the future---why not just call a local charity like the salvation army to come & get the stuff???
...and yes, be wary of the elderly!
I definitely don't want to be un PC.
andy,
I look really good in orange, but our local prison is now smoke free. I would die in there.
michael,
I played BINGO with your grandparents. They are wild.
lainey,
That would imply that I had a plan. I am not a planner. Plus, I'm not going to give my used underwear to a charity. "Here, you're poor. Want my worn panties?"
av,
I thought as much.
HI!
I am hungover so I will not be commenting today.
kthanxbai!
hehe, your lil ole' ladies paw thru your garbage. that's kinda sad. Honestly i thought you'd just give away all your stuff to goodwill or Salvation army.
Let's face it - your throw outs could literally save someone from their horrible plight of ugly. It's a great way to not get a ticket for illegal dumping plus it's anonymous so your whole neighborhood won't know about your panties ((unless that neighbor guy comes to give you back a pair ...again....))
scotts,
You are highly functioning for hungover. When I am hungover it's all I can do to stay in fetal position.
mayren,
I should leave a pair at his door. I'll just ring the doorbell and step right out of them.
Mist, you don't know the half of it. My grandmother is the one who taught me how to gamble, cuss and the rules of basketball. Far, far cooler than I'll ever me. I've got to stop admitting things like that!
michael,
Basketball has rules? I thought it was just about the shoes.
Yeah, go figure. I used to think the same thing about bowling...
I think it must be a "depression era" thing, I can totally imagine my grandparents doing that! You should just take everything to her house and let her keep it lol. I'm sure she's enjoying those side-lacing panties ;)
michael,
Bowling has nothing to do with the shoes.
kara,
Do you realize how much you have just disturbed me with that last comment about Ms. Chris in my panties?
Ewww. Just Ewww.
alicia,
Old people aren't gross, they're just organized.
so you are saying, as a whole, the elderly are a well oiled machine even if, individually, their joints aren't.
Well that explains my low scores then.
Miss America of 1944 just shot out an intruder's tires with the .38 she was packing.
I hope your grannies call off their goons before you get mowed down by a walker, or worse.
Hi Mist!
I haven't been by in a while, so I had to read back through all the posts I missed. Here's why I read back:
"Yes, it involves beer. But it involves so much more than beer."
"I wrote a book of redneck haikus."
"He had no idea what I was going to do to his bar tab."
"The dog ate most of her cat."
"I have a new pair of camel toe jeans…"
"I flashed him that smile that says You-Are-Creeping-Me-The-F*ck-Out-Dude."
All gems, Mist. Pure genius.
mac,
Exactly. They are terrifying.
michael,
I try to bowl my IQ. It's a 13.
hearts,
I am going to buy an armored vehicle.
tammie,
Thanks for noticing. Many people responded to the dog eating most of the cat. What's wrong with you all? Haven't you ever seen a dog get full half way through a meal?
If sitting in a slouched position, blinking rapidly slack jawed and drooling on the keyboard is considered "highly functioning" then so be it Mist. So be it.
I just try to hit the pins in my lane. It's harder than you think.
I would've been SOOOOOO PISSED OFF if a woman sells my trash. I would've raised hell and screamed at her.
Instead you wrote letters to your grandmothers -- and secretly hope they'll call off the elderly invasions. So sweet, and so sensible.
I had a roommate who was the king of illegal dumping, but his girlfriend was into it so I guess no laws were broken.
It's like you're not an American unless you have dusty candles that have never been burned in your bathroom.
My friend Megan is partial to tealights. I like tapers. I sense you're a pillar kind of gal.
So if I'm not THAT old (I was a baby in the dinosaur era & don't remember it), can I still form an oldie's gang? It would be nice to have protection.
scotts,
You are still blinking rapidly. That is a sign of higher functioning life. I have to pay someone to help me blink when I'm hungover.
michael,
I use bumpers.
curiosity,
Sweet and sensible are the two words that come to mind when people think of me.
blitz,
Where did he dump her body?
123,
It's kind of creepy how you pegged me with the candles.
tug,
You have to wait until you get a discount at the grocery store.
Old people smell like pee-pee and corn chips.
"Urine Gone" gets rid of urine stains and odors quickly and easily.
If the new place has that old people smell to it, it does the trick.
nolff,
I like corn chips.
Thank God shabby chic never made it here!
A small part of me can't wait to be part of their secret old-people organization.
Oh my God...More on the old folks. So much to work with. I got a visual of all your stuff out of the dumpster so all the neighborhood could take a look. Bwahahahah.
cg,
How did you manage to escape it?
yvonne,
Me too. I want to get a discount at the Olive Garden.
comedy,
I am sure that the association will fine me.
I use bumpers too. My insurance agent has asked me to stop bump drafting while on the freeway.
:-)
Bad news Mist. Old people don't forgive and they never forget. Wait...scratch that last part.
Hasta La Vista,
Dagromm
michael,
Geico has asked me never to drive again.
dagromm,
Maybe this whole thing will blow over.
I prefer smaller insurance outfits that have the time to leave postcards in my front door and advertise on local cable. It makes me feel like I'm their only customer. Hey, wait a minute...maybe I am. So that's why my premiums are so high.
Maybe, instead of just dumping that bag in the garbage, give it to miss Chris and tell her its a gift. She might like some chipped teacups.
Better you see your underwear out on the sidewalk than to see the old hag parading around in it, I guess.
michael,
They always addressed to the sensible driver. That's not me.
karmyn,
I don't want to wrap it.
stacy,
Thank G*d I'm moving.
I've shifted my defensive driving to offensive driving. I get there much quicker. I highly suggest that everyone puts a copy of the Smokey and the Bandit soundtrack in their vehicles for just such occasions.
AARP -- it really stands for Ancient And Really Pissed. It seems like old people always need SOMETHING to be angry at. Of course, if you get on their good side, it's smooth sailing. They're like the mob that way.
I thought that's how she got her exercise..you were just helping her!!
This is more like it, senior semi-bashing, with a heart.
michael,
I am always offensive, even when I'm not driving.
legal,
I've always wondered what AARP stands for.
claudia,
I am so helpful. Thanks for noticing.
dave,
See, I'm a decent person.
Ick...I hate crappy bras with crappy bra straps!
dawn,
I was always tripping over the straps. It was a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm telling you: old people are living longer and they're reproducing. I just haven't figured out how yet.
nance,
I am not going to talk to my grandma about using protection. My mom should do that.
oh mist....I don't know what else to say except...thank you for your brilliance!!!!!
When I'm offensive, whether I am driving or not, I have found it good practice to wear a helmet. Or at least remove your license plate.
fiona,
Whenever you don't know what to say to me, just tell me that you adore my shoes.
michael,
This hair doesn't do helmets.
Sorry, forgot about your famous locks. I guess a fancy Sunday riding bonnet is out too? Cut it short like mine and a helmet becomes a blessing!
q of d,
Unless I find another pair in here, you will have to ask Miss Chris. She owns them now. They are turquoise and coral. Perfect for distracting neighbors.
michael,
Nobody wears a bonnet any more. Where have you been since the frontier days?
kat,
I am still a little mortified about it all.
You threw away the bra with the straps that don't stay up? Damn, I love seeing the strap peeking out over your shoulder....
tim,
I wish you had said something sooner. Now I am going to have to distract Miss Chris with a bag of cat sh*t to steal it back from her.
Mist - I adore your shoes and I'm so damn envious because I'm a big-footed, wide-footed gal who lives with a longing to have slim pretty feet that would showcase shoes like yours!!
fiona,
Shoes are universal. They are the only thing that everyone can look good in. Do you have self foot-hate? Go get a pedi. It will change your life.
Yeah, I guess they don't call it 'riding' anymore either, do they?
michael,
I'm sorry...the word riding distracted me. What did you say?
Dammit, you win tonight. I can't top that!! I was all prepared with my Chitty Chitty Bang Bang material too!!!!!
You should have seen when this little 'burb I live in finally got a real grocery store. Blue hairs and elderly geezers roaming in slow motion in the aisles. Stopping randomly to stare up at the shelves of far too many choices. Ever see Death Race 2000? I'm modifying a shopping cart in my garage for the next trip to the store....
As Mr. Fever said once: "I think you should know, I've hurt a lot of old people in my time."
michael,
I saw the movie Titty Titty Bang Bang. Great acting.
willie,
I would totally offer to help you build that shopping cart, but I'm more of the kind of girl to sit and watch while you do all the mechanical work.
Damn if only a pedi could do it....I'm one of those people that the sweet charming foot care lady has to take a cheese grater to and there's a pile of shaved foot-skin at her feet when she's done.....even with polished and pretty feet, they just don't make shoes to fit these 'plates of meat'...course I should probably try the tranny shoe shops, they'd probably be able to fix me up !
But that might lead to a whole new gamut of problems in my life.
You're taking the elderly army out one at a time.
Good ploy, distracting them with vibrators. I know I get distracted as hell by them!
You won't be the first. Or last, I expect...
Puss
fiona,
After my first pedi, I was two inches shorter and had lost four pounds.
phishez,
I can hardly sleep with that thing under my pillow.
puss,
You are scaring me.
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