Three Men and a Truck
I'm not good at following directions. When I shampoo my hair, I do not Repeat as the bottle suggests. I simply Lather and Rinse. I open boxes on the side that reads Open Other End. When I take a pizza out of the oven, I do not let it stand a few minutes before cutting. While filling my gas tank, I re-enter my car to make phone calls.At the Post Office, I picked up a helpful mover's guide. The guide included a checklist of things to do leading up to the move date. The first item suggested was forwarding mail service. The people who created this guide knew what they were doing. I forwarded my mail. From then on, I did everything the guide suggested. I transferred phone, internet, and electricity with care to overlap by just a few days in the event that something didn't go according to my plan. I made extra copies of my new keys. I scheduled a reasonable late-morning move to avoid any mishaps in the chaos of the morning traffic. I packed the corkscrew, but I purchased beer with twist off caps to amend the situation. Being prepared felt good. On moving day, I sat on the couch and checked off the last box on the list.
The movers (Craig, Robert, and Sincere, sincerely) arrived and remarked at how easy this move was going to be and that they loved customers like me; customers who are prepared. They did not mention that they loved my boxes of shoes, but I was feeling so high preparedness that I would not let one omission reflect in the tip.
After wrapping everything in shrink wrap and blankets, the living room furniture was hauled to the truck and I complemented myself on the absence of hairballs and dead bugs and wine corks and panties under the couch. I decided that I really should give myself more credit for my cleanliness, even if I was wearing the clothes that I fell asleep in the night before.
Craig and his crew took a smoke break ($1.78 per minute x 4.5 minutes smoking = $8.01). Robert stopped to pet my cat and I (ever prepared) got the treats to coax Hissy to remove his claws from Robert's calf ($1.78 per minute x 6 minutes of coaxing = $10.68).
It wasn't until Sincere produced a mattress cover that I realized that my checklist did not include a box for Remove Vibrator and (Complimentary With Purchase) Bottle of Lubricant From Between Mattress and Box Spring.
I looked at Hissy and with my mind I said, "Draw blood. Do not let up until I have cleared the area. If one of them makes a move for that mattress, show no mercy." Hissy sat and examined his paw. I was going to have to stop Sincere myself. I lunged between Sincere and my bed, blocking his attempt to lift the mattress. I tried to form the words "inhaler" or "nitroglycerin" or something that would justify my sense of urgency, as though under the bed is a perfectly normal place to keep life saving medications. Robert turned to me and said, "Darlin' we do this every day. We know most people got shotguns under there." I decided that any reference that I could make about concealing my weapon would be lost on Robert and so I kept it to myself. I swept under the mattress and tucked the paraphernalia into my overalls (I have never been happier to wear loose fitting clothing).
As he slipped the mattress into a cover, Sincere lowered his voice and asked for my phone number. I understand why his mother named him Sincere. Clearly, she could not have named him Observant. My number is recorded on the 27 forms that I had to initial and sign before the movers could begin ($1.87 per minute x 30 seconds of skimming the fine print = $0.94).
Some of you made offers of alcohol; it is time to ante up. Many of you had doctor's appointments, sick grandmothers, 8-hour flu bugs, and natural disasters; there is till time to send me a housewarming gift. To those of you who offered to help me move, I'd like to thank you, but I don't trust you. No one likes to move, I can only assume that you were trying to gain access to my shoe vault. I am on to you.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:20 AM
78 Comments:
Has the vibrator yet emerged from your overalls?
I'm sending toenail polish..."Flaming Flamingo Pink").
And sardines...
(packed in olive oil no less...)
Do you have any idea how hard "Word Vwerifaction" becomes when you've polished off two bottles of wine!?!
I'd like to send a housewarming gift, but it's been one heck of a week. I had a few doctors appointments, both my grandparents were sick, I came down with a 16-hour flu bug and I watched a few natural disasters on TV. I'll try to send something next week.
Oh wow! Overalls and everything - you're dressed and ready to move! Sounds like a great outfit.
How's your cat handling the new scenery?
So where DO you keep the shotgun, darlin'?
Huh, I thought a mattress was the box spring.
Would "Endowed" also be an appropriate nickname for Sincere?
Sincere? What a fabulous name for a stripper!
Want me to UPS some of that KY warming liquid lubricant stuff with the corkscrew?
That should keep your house warm.
Puss
mmmm - shoes... what was the rest of the post about?
"No one likes to move, I can only assume that you were trying to gain access to my shoe vault. I am on to you."
Damn.
($1.87 per minute x 2 minutes trying to hide vibrator and fool movers = $3.74)
I just realized I didn't get a free bottle of lubricant with my last vibrator purchase. That stinks.
It's nice to get a complimentary bottle of lube when you buy a vibrator. It's a nicety.
I would have been there to watch the whole moving thing, but I missed my flight. Will send a house warming gift as soon as airport security releases me.
You should def. write the post office and suggest they put DON'T FORGET TO REMOVE ALL THE PRIVATE BITS YOU DON'T WANT THE MOVERS TO SEE FROM IN BETWEEN YOUR MATTRESSES with a check box.
You and your public services. Such a nice girl.
well first i want to say i was wondering what you would wear for the move, nice choice, but you forgot to tell us what shoes you wore and if the guys noticed them, and your gift was in the mail but the post office lost it, sorry. they do that alot i hear.
smiles, bee
Getting lube with a vibrator is like getting free butter with your bread.
Need help unpacking?
Gynaecologists, sex-shop salespeople and removalists should know better than to ask for a customer's number. They've all seen too much already.
You mean the case of fine French wine I sent hasn't arrived yet???
Speaking of shoes.. I got this in an email, and immediately thought of you. Now, I don't know if you're the type of girl who has to try the shoes on to make sure they fit before buying them, but look what Amazon.com has come up with now. (Endless shoes + Mist1 = LOOK OUT!) :)
While reading this post, I realized that the bottle of lubricant is both "complimentary" AND "complementary". It's not often that it works out that way!
My name is NWJR, and I'm a word geek.
You're definitely on to me. You'd have been missing shoes when that truck arrived if I'd helped. Really, it's better this way.
I think you definitely need to email me your address so I can send you a housewarming gift.
Do you have a pact with someone local who, in the case of your death, will come over and get rid of BOB and any paraphernalia before your mother arrives?
You made it safely!!! That's great, you are to be commended for your preparedness!!!
I might have to rethink my stance on having a housepet...or as I refer to it, wildlife. I mean other than those ferocious dogs, who'd have thunk they could be used as a deadly weapon!
Glad to hear the move went well. Or something like it.
jocelyn,
I may never take these overalls off again.
jonas,
Please send me Tangerine Tango. I'd like to have tangerine toes this week.
And yes, I do know how difficult word verification is when drinking wine. I am very familiar.
michael,
You have bad karma. What did you do to someone in a past life?
curiosity,
The cat hid in my closet Friday. Cried in the closet Saturday. Ate my flowers on Sunday and this morning attacked my feet in bed. He's not adjusting well.
hearts,
On the chrome gun racks on the back of my car, of course.
blitz,
I suppose you think a futon is an acceptable replacement for a real bed too.
lizza,
I can't vouch for that. I think his mother could have named him Sleazy as well, but who names a kid Sleazy (I mean, besides the mother of the seven dwarfs)?
puss,
Please send me a cleaning product that will remove the grease stain from the KY.
rhian,
I have no idea. I haven't slept since Thursday night. I don't even know my own name right now.
legal,
That was a $3.74 well spent if you ask me.
debbie,
Go back to the store. Demand one.
mr. fab,
It keeps me cuming back for more.
es,
Have fun with the full cavity search.
lee,
It's no wonder that FedEx and UPS and DHL are taking over the market. I bet they would have reminded me to stash all of my naughty toys.
bee,
I wore my new flip-flops from Target. They were $4.99 and polka dotted. I love them. I think I'll go put them on right now.
sex,
Come over. Please don't bring any bread and butter. I'm afraid that I'll tuck them under my mattress.
lonie,
Sometimes, I see my gyno in the grocery store. The next time that I see her, I'm going to march right up to her and see if she wants to get a beer.
akelamalu,
I blame the US Postal Service.
asara,
Endless Shoes sounds like a romance novel to me. I love to shop in real time. I like to touch everything and try it one and parade around until someone notices me.
nwjr,
Did I spell it wrong? Damn. I've got to proofread.
wg,
I am watching you, "Wandering Girl," if that is your real name.
av,
You haven't met my mother. She would take the opportunity to dump all of her old toys that she's grown tired of at my place with my corpse. I only hope that she loosens the belt around my neck.
tera,
Houseplants make good weapons too. If you have ever been attacked by a cactus, you know that this is true.
karma,
It was great. Let's never do this again.
Just how BIG was the vibrator that it didn't fall out of the loose fitting clothes onto the floor?
Very nice post. I'm glad you got moved safely and quickly.
Sincere did the right thing by asking you for your number. Had he called you using the numbers off the form, you could have gotten him fired.
Just add a straw hat to those overalls and you'd be too much, Mist1.
I've never met a man named Observant.
Of course I've never met a man named Tidy, Intuitive or Sincere.
I'm married to a man named Orgasmo, though.
Dude,
and then you did him, right?
you are one sexy wench . ...
overalls and Jimmy Chus make a remarkable combo i've heard.
You got a free BOTTLE of lube? I always get that little sample packet. I need to shop elsewhere for my toys.
Also...mmmmmm polkadotflipflops...
What did that little interlude with the lube and tube cost you?
tug,
I used my Kegels.
fringes,
Is that why I got fired?
matt,
I am absolutely to country cute for words in my big, floppy straw hat.
furious,
I suppose at a low speed, my handwriting could be legible.
alicia,
I know a guy named F*cker.
andy,
Dude, I can't do anyone named Sincere. I would totally do his bother, Forreal. He's hot.
mayren,
A piece of gum or a pencil eraser or the right amount of mascara (or anything at all, really) and Jimmy Choos are all great combos.
scotts,
I always ask to see what's new. Then I ask if it works and they tell me that every woman is different. By the time I'm halfway through telling them just how different I am, I usually have a few free samples in the bag.
booda,
Show a man a vibrator and see if he can do math. They didn't charge for that one.
So, you knew we were after your shoes? How'd you figure that one out?
BTW, what does one give for a housewarming present to a girl who has everything? A self-cleaning litter box? Not for you, of course! This would be for Hissy! LOL! For you, maybe a crate of lube? Not for Hissy.
chrissy,
Whatever gave you the impression that I have everything?
I will die if I do not own a yellow clutch. Leather or even ostrich would be great, thanks.
Hmmm...well, I didn't initially offer to help you move, but I will help you unpack your shoe vault. (Though I will need to know what size shoe you wear.)
What size shoe do you wear again? Just checking.
Is Sincere, sincerely cute? If he's a mover, he's prolly got great forearms, so if he's cute to boot, I'd say he's worth a date. And he didn't raid your shoe vault.
I like the astro glide. That stuff is pretty slick.
Sincere....lol! what an awful name. guess it could be worse though. I'd hate to have a mover named Butterfingers.
you wear overalls? what shoes go with overalls?
should i be embarrassed to say that the fact you wear overalls makes me think of the song "she thinks my tractor's sexy"?
Housewarming gift: Heirloom quality vibrator/lubricant/stuff holder in some nondescript color. Watch for the UPS guy named Genuine.
Hissy: My kind of cat. I love him.
Sincere/Observant: Peeing in my pants...er, overalls.
I'm sending wine. And shoes. And then more wine.
Nothing helps a move like some good wine!
oh dear, you forgot your vibrating companion? ah moving day! have you unpacked yet? i suspect a forthcoming blog.
Congrats, lady. I'm still heartbroken and dismsl, so that's the best I can do, but it's "sincere."
lcg,
Beware of attack cat.
karmyn,
What is it with you people? You just want to know the size? I mean, what if I have a nasty foot fungus...you wouldn't want my shoes then.
edgy,
Not that I'm shallow or anything, but when talking about Sincere, one would probably say something like; "he has a great personality."
nolff,
Astro Glide is a sponsor of a local festival in a park here. I love seeing their banners up in the streets.
uncivil,
I think you should join a whiffle ball league.
miztris,
That wouldn't be so bad. Just make sure to pay for the extra insurance coverage.
maximo,
You should be embarrassed to know the words to She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy. Lots of shoes go with overalls. Yesterday, I preferred flip flops because I like that spanking noise they make when I walk. Smacksmacksmack.
thy g,
There is a pillow to hold my unmentionable objects at my local adult novelty store. It's made of satin and it's ruffly and it looks just like a giant snatch. I must have it.
I love Hissy too. You should see how big he can make his tail when people pick up furniture around him.
tigger,
I find that most situations are better with wine. Unless you have just brushed your teeth.
melanie,
I might just tell you about my move all week.
123,
I think I dated Dismal once.
Bwahahahahah! How could you have missed the vibrator? Bwahahahahah! You should have recieved the cork screw I sent last week by now??? Darned post office anyway. Have a great day!
LOL!
I hate to tell you this, but I already stole your shoes.
True story.
An heirloom quality GIANT SNATCH*...I must get two.
* Capitalized to indicate screaming.
Addendum:
Word verification for the previous post: wayevil
I kid you not.
thanks for reminding me to pack my vibrator before the movers come...I mean really I leave mine out on the bathroom counter for easy access....
Yeah, at least you had the grace to hide your vibrator. You're a classy lady, Mist.
Congratulations, when you are settled let's catch up. Call me over the weekend.
Even though there was math in this post, I kept reading. Thankfully, there was no quiz.
Me join a Whiffle Ball League? Is that anything like a Home Owners Associaition?
I'm just not a team player!
Now if they just had "Extreme Whiffle Bat Fighting" I could get into that!
*sigh*
I used to be an organized mover...
*sigh*
that was before idiot stick and my Fleaing from the "house" ouf yelling and be-littling came into play. Nothing like the po-po 5.0, 5 mexicans, and a baby to be sure the process of "moving" only takes 1 hour...tops! LOL ;o)
Kidding.
ROFLMAO about the Vibrator!
~note to self to buy mist a "toy" box!~
comedy,
I couldn't pack it. The guide from the Post Office instructed me to keep my everyday essentials out where I can access them easily.
lainey,
I can laugh about it now. I am over the initial humiliation.
seb,
I am sending Hissy on a recon mission.
thy g,
I never get cool word verifications like that.
tellin',
Ah, the old "it's my travel toothbrush holder" act.
mystery,
Everyone always says that about me.
maiden,
I just need to find my phone.
nance,
I grade on a curve.
uncivil,
I'm not a team player either. I act like I am until the critical moment, then I'm out for self.
super,
I think the House of Belittling is a carnival ride.
Glad to hear everything went well. You're right, moving is NOT fun.
I see you've figured out a great way to get asked out on a date! :)
Maybe it's because my Karma is instant??
;-)
SHUT UP. Because this really happened to me. Only mine was gold. BRIGHT SHINY GOLD VIBRATOR LAYING OUT FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE. And my neighbor who was helping me move? Well, he was really, really, really friendly the whole rest of the day. *shudder*
Your vibe comes with free lube?
I feel so ripped off!
todd,
I may never move again.
dawn,
I'm pretty good at that.
michael,
I like Karma instant breakfast in chocolate.
kentucky,
Mine is red. Bright fire engine red.
phishez,
You have to know how to get freebies.
I didn't know they made a breakfast version. Maybe that would help me get my required daily dose of good Karma. Bad Karma's easy to get, it's the good type that's more difficult. Trust me on that.
michael,
I frequently have to visit the Karmic repair shop.
Perhaps I should have bought a Karma Gia, that cool little Porsche wanna be instead of my truck...I think it gets repaired at the Karmic repair shop. They're ASE certified you know.
You remind me of the father from Everybody Hates Chris; every minute, moveable object has a price for its existence and use. Niice.
To those of you who offered to help me move, I'd like to thank you, but I don't trust you.
Did I miss a meeting? I think I did.
Have size 8 feet, so can be cleared of trying to gain access to your much smaller and absolutely awesome shoes.
Will send wine instead. Congrats on the new digs.
michael,
Those are one of the most adorable vehicles ever.
orhan,
Everything has a price. Make an offer.
velvet,
My mom wears an 8. She left one of her sandals here a little while back. I just found it in the move. Don't get any ideas about coming over here for that one shoe. I sent it back to her as a Mother's Day present.
Plus, if you don't cut people off, driving them lets good things happen to you.
michael,
I cut people off, but I volunteer at the Humane Society, so it's okay. It all evens out.
That is good Karma. I let people merge in front of me so hopefully I'm building up some good in the balance sheet for later.
michael,
I'm going to be really cranky if I find out that Karma doesn't work like this. Think of all the time I've wasted.
Yeah, and think of all the fake smiles I have wasted
michael,
I stopped fake smiling a few months ago. I'm trying to prevent premature wrinkling.
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