Breakfast, My Place
I care about what people think of me when they first meet me. I limit profanity to words starting with f or s. I make sure that my butt crack isn't sticking out of my slightly slutty jeans by making sure that my thong shows instead of my crack. I do not answer my phone when I am talking to someone new, but I make sure that the ring volume is all the way up. I think it makes people feel special because they know that even though someone else wants to talk to me, I am putting them first. I like to make people feel good about themselves.I may drop my pants or fall on my face or bring shame to my family in public on a monthly basis, but still, I care about first impressions. It's just that I'm not very good at them.
I'm also not very good at breakfast. I like a spicy Bloody Mary for breakfast. That may have something to do with how I end up ruining first impressions. I'm working on improving my breakfast habits by incorporating solid food into my morning routine.
Yesterday, I toasted a blueberry Eggo waffle and sat down on the couch to watch CNN. The day was off to a good start. I would have a solid breakfast and I would also be an informed citizen. The rest of the morning was to be simple:
1. Eat waffle.
2. Shower (deep condition, shave legs).
3. Dress.
4. Wait for the gas man to service my furnace (that's not code for anything, I just like the way it sounds).
I never made it all the way through step one. When the gas man woke me up, I was still in my trampy shorts and tank top on the couch. CNN was still on the TV. Crumbs clung to my face. The waffle was clutched in my hand.
I screamed when I saw the gas man standing over me. That's when I realized that I had fallen asleep with a bite of waffle in my mouth.
The gas man laughed, "you look like The Hoff."
He'll never service my furnace again.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:16 AM
91 Comments:
It's a well known fact that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. For the last 3 1/2 years, I have made my twins frozen waffles every single morning. It's to the point now that the routine is the same: they ask for them, I make them and they just sit until I throw them away. Maybe you can have too much of a good thing.
I may have to find a way to incorporate the phrase 'service my furnace' somewhere into my day at work tomorrow.
"Service my furnace" :D
ILet's see... do I teach the FUN Kids tomorrow... Ah well, Wednesday it is, then.
(The girls are gonna smack me)
michael,
I hope your line of work includes furnaces. Otherwise, I hope you have an excellent attorney.
arthur,
A little smacking after furnace servicing is expected.
You're hotter than the Hoff. You're like two Hoffs, only black. A Double-Hoff Oreo, if you will.
perhaps a condolence card to his mother is in order.
I hate it when guys decide to stop servicing my furnace.
How you ever toured Germany?
Perhaps not. But if he knows how to make a good, extra spicy bloody mary, you might want to keep him around a bit longer...find sum-m sum-m else for him to service.
You look like the Hoff - a new degrading put-down for our generation. I LOVE IT!!!! I am going to use it. David's demise had to be good for something.
"You look like the Hoff"...he he. That made me laugh on many levels.
That's...
Um....
You're Special
CNN and the "Drive by Media" will put anybody to sleep!
This post was erection-licious.
I hope you flossed?
Eggo's are only good with ice cream.
Who is the Hoff?
If that is a really ignorant question-forgive me-I read and play and don't watch t.v. much.
When you said gas man..I thought that there was a man at your house that had gas..."IE fart" ...I would not have him back to my house either..if he is called the gas man...
Your so funny I swear!!! You crack me up...shit fire woman...you should write a book and get famous or something..I am always amazed at your blogs..make me laugh till I almost pee my pants...then they would call me the pee pants girl...instead of darn girl
Too bad about the furnace man. At least you can still let the plumber come in the back door, right?
Oh, jeebus, you make me laugh.
av,
I hope I don't get awarded custody of The Hoff's kid.
hedgehog,
I'm fresh out of sympathy cards. No one can die until I buy more cards.
churlita,
As long as they finish the job before they quit, I'm okay. You can always find a replacement in the Yellow Pages.
blitz,
Yes, in a really cool car that talked to me.
lcg,
I'll also need him to cut my Eggos into bite sized pieces.
karmyn,
The Hoff's demise is not making me feel good about myself.
spoon,
The gas guy laughed too.
phishez,
By special, you mean disgusting, don't you?
uncivil,
Thanks. I feel a little better about myself.
fab,
Even Hoff can't make himself hard anymore.
akelamalu,
It's hard to floss with a mouth full of Eggo waffle.
debbie,
Maybe that's where I went wrong. They're not great with vodka.
wreck,
The Hoff: David Hasselhoff or Knight Rider and Baywatch fame. Pictured above in home video.
tellin,
I would totally write a book, but every time I sit down to write, I fall asleep with Eggo waffle in my mouth.
nwjr,
Now that you mention it, I do need my pipes checked.
alison,
I make me a little sick to my stomach.
Dude,
I'm pretty sure he meant Adriana Hoffington. So at least there's that.
Were you wearing a shirt? 'Cause if you weren't, that wasn't very nice. You'd think he'd be distracted by your trampy shorts!
andy,
I think that's The Huff.
wg,
I am consumed by insecurity right now. Please, look away.
In my experience, men generally like it when you have stuff on your face. If his comment was a put-down, you didn't want to let him service your furnace or anything else; a girl needs standards.
Puss
Messy eaters are hawt, you will have plenty of suitors to service your furnace.
1 1/2 oz vodka
3 oz tomato juice
1 dash lemon juice
1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
2 - 3 drops Tabasco® sauce
1 lime wedge
Mist, I suppose a Bloody Mary isn't that bad! At least you've got some tomato juice, lemon juice and a lime wedge in there! LOL! ;)
nothing better than food on your face and dirty draws on your behind. I decided to quit trying to impress service men a long time ago. I can't get up soon enough.
Give me that Spicy Bloody Mary Recipe. Email me. If you don't have my email address, just comment on my blog and I'll email you. I gotta learn this recipe of yours.
I had something witty to say, but I lost it after the Hoff remark.
That almost made me pee myself. Well done, you.
Wow you're lucky...I haven't had my "furnace" serviced in several months...how dare you fire him! You better hope your plumber is a multi-tasker!
Aren't celery & olives considered solid food anymore? Stick with the Bloody Marys.
Was he hot?
What are "trampy shorts?"
We demand photos of the "Hoff look"... complete with Eggo bits.
ctw,
I left the screen door open, apparently, he'd been knocking for a bit.
puss,
Yes, a girl needs Spaniards. I agree completely.
furious,
My furnace is hot.
chrissy,
Please come over and make one for me.
stilt,
Who said anything about draws? Trampy shorts need no draws.
curiosity,
I'll email you later today. First, I will have to taste test a few...you know, for quality control.
tracy,
I am still a little ashamed of myself.
tera,
You really should be serviced soon. You don't want to wait until the cold months when everyone is trying to get serviced.
tug,
I like to think of it as starting my day with a salad.
p of u,
He wore little booties to protect my carpeting. That's hot.
kevin,
Peep in my windows. I'll show you trampy shorts.
andy,
I hope no one documented my Hoff look on film.
Dude,
This is funny to me because just yesterday I called in sick and got really high on my couch when the Washington Gas man stopped by to "run the lines" and reset my pilot light.
I assured the man that I knew how to "run the lines" myself and refused him entry.
I made a bad impression.
I was drunk and I said nasty things and I kept talking about poo. I disappoint myself sometimes.
I was hanging out with a bunch of Marines previously.
I am angry about this Hoff situation. I don't like people talking bad about him.
Dear people on mist1's blog,
cease and desist!
I think the fact that you didn't include "get hobby" and "floss" in your list of things to do threw you off.
matt,
I've been waiting months for you to run the lines, but so far, no dice.
nolff,
Sometimes, I talk about poo. I hope I haven't offended you or The Hoff.
airam,
Those are standing things to do. I cross off floss, but I add it again several times a day. Sometimes, I even shower.
A PSA, but only for the midwestern-affiliated P.
The best spicy Bloody Mary in the whole world - and yes, I HAVE made a point of testing them on nearly every continent - is in Iowa. In Decorah. The Haymarket. It's not the best dive bar in the world, but it's in contention.
So, you see? Add it all up, it makes for an excellent breakfast. The Iowa part makes it kind of wholesome, too.
sounds like the beginning of a bad porno. All I want to know is how did the gas man get in the house? You sure "service my furnace" isn't code for something else?
booda,
I can't possibly go to Iowa for a Bloody Mary. Can Iowa come to me?
kiyotoe,
You should have heard the musical score.
well, that seals it....I'm never eating waffles again if that's what the Hoff eats.
miztris,
I don't think he eats the chocolate chip waffles. That's what I'm getting next time.
You look like the Hoff? Maybe you should start shaving your chest too.
lizza,
Ouch. Now I really feel bad.
You should not give out your key to the furnace man.
lee,
Then I'd have to be awake when he arrives.
Ewww, the Hoff? That is such an insult!!! I must find someone to use it on, immediately!!!
And, spicy Bloody Mary... oh that sounds SOOOOOO good right now!!!
quite right - your furnace is now officially off limits.
FAZ
p.s. we had the gasman come service our furnace the other week and he enjoyed it so much he had to send around three of his friends over the next two weeks. I hope it doesn't need servicing again for some time - and that's not code for anything either
amy,
I could go for another Bloody Mary too. I'm waiting for Chrissy to come over and make a pitcher.
faz,
That's a lot of servicing in a two week period. Did the other gas men service the furnace too or did they just watch?
Maybe he meant that you have a cool car and a bevy of good-looking people surrounding you at all times?
mystery,
I'm pretty sure that's what he meant. I drive a manual transmission after all.
Here was my recipe for a Bloody Mary when I quit drinking a few years ago:
1 tall tumbler
3-4 ice cubes
8 oz. Absolut
:-{
The tomato juice just got in the way of the vodka numbing my brain.
I would offer to service your furnace, but I can only fix about half the things I attempt to repair.
Hey, wait a minute... I'm not sure, but I'm starting to think "service my furnace" is some sort of... well... TWISTED SEX METAPHOR or something.
(retreats back to the Corner of Feigned Cluelessness)
I worry that if I ever get famous, I will be just like The Hoff but my hair won't be as good.
The comments are funnier than the original post. Not that the post wasn't funny. Going to nap now. Thanks again for my kick-ass shoes.
Your so funny! Pitty you never got past item one on your morning agenda.
If you fell asleep with your half eaten waffel, who let the gas man in? I would be concerned.
IF YOU CONTINUE TO MAKE FUN OF HASSELHOFF, JERRY FALWELL WILL DIE.
ALL CAPS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.
Are we still on for the corn dog fair?
Mist quit trying to eat breakfast and go back to your Bloody Mary diet. Things will work out much better. You must have been simply beautiful for the furnace guy... Bwahahahah!!!
mike,
Fix me a Blood Free Mary like that and I might let you service my furnace. I said nothing about fixing it. It's not broken.
123,
We have the same fears, Sugar.
fringes,
The comments here are always what makes the post.
fab,
Please, don't use the word "agenda" here. In sixth grade, my best friend Rachel told me that the word reminded her of the word "vagina." To this day, I cannot use that word and not smile.
nolff,
Please post a picture of Jerry Falwell holding today's newspaper so that we know that he's okay.
I've got to get the dates on the corn dog fair. I'll email you.
comedy,
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The gas man was probably blind. On second thought, that's not so good either. He could smell the waffle all over me.
That's so great that you leave your front door open like that, for any and all "gas men" to enter.
Read that however you like.
if you are in the downtown atlanta area and in need of a magnificent bloody mary, hit jocks and jills at the cnn center. every trade show i attend in atlanta includes so many bloody marys from that place. make sure they use the ketel one to make it even more delicious, if that is somehow possible. (salivating at the mere memory of such alcoholic perfection)
I'm kinda creeped out that the gas man was able to enter your home. A hot woman like you should have deadbolts and chains and barbed wire fences with big fat locks to keep the crazies out!
Why are people here saying that The Hoff is dead? He's very much alive! Don't scare Dirk Nowitzki like that.
Have a bloody mary AND the waffle so it's a balanced breakfast. The waffle was at least toasted, wasn't it?
I've been reading your blog for a while, but haven't commented before today, but OMG, did you see this:
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/jerry_falwell
Jerry is dead after being found unconscious in his office at Liberty University. Nölff what did you do?!!!!
At least CNN was on in the background. You were a well-informed Hoff.
jocelyn,
Sometimes, I leave the patio door open.
hello,
Ketel One is my family's vodka. It's how the One family formed it's empire. How else do you think I can sit around and blog all day?
tigger,
There's razor wire. I can't leave the grounds.
nance,
I'm sure they just mean that his career is dead.
legal,
Of course it was toasted. I'm not completely clueless in the kitchen.
chochippie,
I will deny knowing Nolff. I suggest that you do the same. You may also want to clear your internet history. Just to be safe.
Thanks for coming by. And hey...why'd you wait so long to talk to me?
constance,
I may have been passed out, but I looked smart doing it.
BTW, servicing your furnace -- does he get hazard pay for that?
you've been tagged!!! pay a visit to my page :)
ROFLMAO!!!!
OMG!!!!
I have SOOO had mornings like that!
I normally take MASSIVE amounts of BLACK STRONG coffee to get my azz in gear.
I HATE to be rushd in the AM. Makes me cranky.
Are you sure the "gas man" wasn't a metaphore????*giggles*
Did you tell him you hump like the Hoff too? Or was that too personal?
legal,
Everyone should get hazard pay when I'm around.
nina,
I hope I'm a good sport. I was never very good at tag. I like being It so much.
super,
Lord, I hope gas man wasn't code for anything. That just doesn't sound good.
pool,
I think the name of his new book is Don't Hump The Hoff.
"I make sure that my butt crack isn't sticking out of my slightly slutty jeans by making sure that my thong shows instead of my crack."
That's good work right there.
Seriously, I laugh so hard at your posts that I can't come up with anything funny to comment with.
If you're not getting paid to write like this, you should be.
dawn,
I try.
todd,
Please send a check. Or shoes. Or vodka.
Ha ha - service your furnace. Does he have match box or do your provide that for him? ha ha
c,
I provide the box.
Ok, I will in futur try to avoid the word (and I will have to use it now, sorry) "agenda". But if it makes you smile, the better for it. (I still don't get the link with vagina, besides the fact it ends with -a). At the time, I couldn't come up with "schedule", English being my 3rd language and all.
A dead give-away are my many mistakes with "your" and "you're". My appologies for that. I'm working on it!
fab,
I don't know how she made the vagina agenda connection either, but it stuck.
Don't worry overly about the your/you're thing. If you get it right, your in the minority.
See what I mean?
"you look like The Hoff."
LOL!!! Gee, in my book, that is soooo not a compliment. Maybe he likes The Hoff though.
velvet,
I bet it's not even a compliment in The Hoff's book.
Do you add horseradish to your B. Mary's? Also, make them with Clamato. That is the only way to go. Must have celery so during a first impression, you look like you are at least eating healthy too.
The Hoff eh? You must have some nice pecs... giggles. I just found a website, www.theHoff.org heh.
melanie,
I have always feared Clamato. I will try it, but only because you suggested it.
"The Hoff". Oh man, I havent heard that one in years. We used to see "The Hoff" filming Baywatch back in L.A. on the beach in front of my house. I always wanted to yell "HEY! WHERE'S KIT????!!!"
My kids have fallen asleep while eating, but I've never heard it done with a grown woman...unless she was drunk
junk,
I was not drunk...yet.
You made my entire day with this one...I am LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!
ee,
The comments made my day with this one. I think my self-esteem is back to it's normal overly inflated self.
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