To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, April 30, 2007

I Will Not Be Ignored


When Jamie first moved into her house, Enid, the elderly woman next door brought over a jar of homemade sweet pickles. I will eat almost anything pickled provided that it is not a part an animal. Also, I won't eat pickled okra.

I ate all of Enid's sweet pickles standing up in front of Jamie's fridge. I threw away the lid of the cute jar, rinsed the jar with water, and poured a beer in it. It became my favorite drinking glass.

For weeks, Enid dropped by to see if Jamie needed help settling in or if she wanted some extra bulbs for her nonexistent garden. They would chat in the yard in a nice neighborly way. One day, Enid asked for her jar back. Jamie said that she would bring it to her directly. Moments later, Jamie called me to see where the lid was. I forbade Jamie to give Enid my favorite drinking glass. If she had wanted to give Jamie just the pickles, she should have brought them over in a baggy. Jamie, because she is only happy when I am happy, informed Enid that she must have lost the jar. Enid was not happy about this and the climate between Enid and Jamie and I has changed.

Enid ignores us.

Usually, I love it when people aren't talking to me. It gives me a break and a chance to talk about them rather than to them. For some reason, it bothers me that Enid is ignoring us.

It started out as a game. We tried to get Enid to notice us. Jamie checked her mail wearing her bathrobe and curlers with a bottle of wine clutched in one hand for a week. We choreographed an interpretive dance and performed it in the front lawn (with tambourines). Jamie trained the dog to crap in Enid's yard. And still, Enid ignored us.

Then, we forgot about the game, but we started doing things unintentionally to get Enid's reaction. Jamie decided to drive her recycling out to the curb at two in the morning. She carefully placed the bin of bottles and cans on the hood of her car and headed down the driveway. Naturally, the bin slid off and landed with a crash that sent all of the neighbors out of their homes in their pajamas. Everyone, that is, except Enid.

We set Enid's bushes on fire one night grilling oysters. Jamie had loud sex with the windows open. The dog ate most of her cat. And still, Enid ignored us.

Saturday morning, after a long night, Jamie drove into Enid's mailbox. Enid was outside, trimming the rest of the singed bushes. Jamie did not stop driving. She dragged Enid's mailbox twenty feet. Sparks flew up around the mailbox. Enid did not look up.

Determined to get a reaction, Jamie slammed on the brakes and emerged from the car. In a mini skirt and heels, she took the cigarette from her mouth and waved. "Mornin', Ms. Enid," she called out in her perfectly southern neighborly drawl.

Enid is still ignoring us.

Maybe we'll get a reaction from the mailman.

Mist 1


94 Comments:

At 8:44 PM, Blogger Dagromm said...

It might be time to check the battery in Ms. Enid's hearing aid.

Have a Spectacular Week,
Dagromm

 
At 8:45 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dagromm,

But the sparks...how could she not have seen the sparks from the mailbox?

 
At 8:46 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I'm glad that you mentioned Enid was outside when the mailbox was hit. I was beginning to think she had died in her home several weeks ago and no one knew about it.

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

She sure can prune her shrubs well for a dead lady.

 
At 8:52 PM, Blogger melanie said...

she is deaf and obsessed with glass jars. its best you leave it alone... find a more interesting and rewarding observor.

 
At 9:02 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

What if you walked up to her, next time she's out, and took Mist1's Favorite Beer Glass (aka, the pickle jar) and "dropped" it in front of her?

She may be able to tune out you two charmers, but the sight of the glassware hitting pavement should get a rise.

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

It's the challenge that we can't resist.

jocelyn,

And sacrifice my beer glass? No.

 
At 9:09 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

Don't do it Mist. My mom is a canner. Those jars are like their babies. She could be packing heat. Now that I think about it, you are starting to show canner tendencies. Do you have a special cloth for drying your jar yet?

 
At 9:14 PM, Blogger Diesel said...

Enid is so totally messing with you.

 
At 9:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

blitz,

I am not into canning. I don't mind the occasional caning.

diesel,

I will not be defeated by Enid.

 
At 11:16 PM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

I absolutely hate it when women play politics like that. Have you tried to fire-paperbag-dogpoo thing?

I love the pickled jar beer mug. That's always a favorite.

 
At 12:41 AM, Blogger K said...

um...how is it humanly possible for anyone to ignore you???

 
At 1:08 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Yeah. I had a really funny comment but someone beat me to it.

And now anything I try to say thats funny will just be lame.

Hi!

 
At 3:06 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

That Enid has iron will, how could she ignore the mailbox thing? I think she is secretly planning a raid to get her jar back. be afraid, be very afraid.

 
At 3:10 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Anything for attention ;)

 
At 3:16 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Enid rocks!

And she has a sexy name. Bonus!

 
At 4:12 AM, Blogger melodyann said...

"The dog ate most of her cat"

Oh my God, that line almost knocked me out of my chair. I spit coffee onto my monitor when I read it.

If I may ask, whose dog ate most of whose cat? Just for clarification...

 
At 4:30 AM, Blogger Faz the Cat said...

I may be mad, but I've nominated you for a thinking blogger award. FAZ

 
At 5:51 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

I'm going to need to see this interpretive dance.

 
At 5:51 AM, Anonymous andy said...

M,

more related to the last time, yes, I DID imagine the pointing, AND the somewhat retarded face. I'm not sure how I pictured the face, but in my head you're a spitting image of Grace Jones.

Far's'enid's concerned, screw her. If a be-tambourined number didn't do it, nothing will with those blue hairs. Trust me.

 
At 5:51 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

faz the cat needs to think about that dog ate most of her cat thingy! ha ha ha... mist have you shown her your SHOES? if that doesn't do it, break out the rhinestone thongs...

smiles, bee

 
At 5:56 AM, Blogger Matt said...

No comment.

 
At 6:00 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Maybe she's really dead and just hasn't fallen down yet.

 
At 6:14 AM, Blogger Tera said...

I can't believe you guys set the shrubs on fire!!! LOL! Yeah, I find it odd that anyone could ignore you with all that fabulous wit you possess...perhaps a few neurons stopped firing?

 
At 6:19 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Actually, I have a question. Wouldn't Lisa, possibly, be useful in this situation? Somehow?

 
At 6:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

curiosity,

I'm not picking up any poo.

k,

That's what I want to know.

phishez,

Hi, yourself. Come on over and help me get Enid's attention.

es,

It's just a damn jar. Right?

orhan,

That's sort of a theme of mine.

fab,

Enid is a sexy name. I am a little jealous.

melodyann,

Jamie's dog ate most of Enid's cat. Part of the cat was still recognizable.

faz,

Was it the cat part?

debbie,

It is really something. I wear bells.

andy,

If I looked like Grace Jones, maybe Enid would notice me.

bee,

Tonight, I am going over there in these adorable red things on my feet right now.

matt,

I believe that's a comment.

wg,

It's all those preservatives in the pickles that keep her functioning.

tera,

We didn't mean to. We just sort of forgot about how close we had put the grill to her bushes. Purely accidental.

 
At 6:25 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Probably. Lisa and Jamie combined make for a really loud evening. Sex occurs in cars and people sleep in the lawn. Why didn't I think of that?

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Like Michael C, I was thinking Enid was dead. Good to know she's just a bitch. Move past the lost pickle jar, lady. The world is waiting.

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger CondoBlogger said...

What is it about the jar that makes it your favorite beer glass? Does the jar still contain the essence of pickle? Is the beer somehow improved by said essence?

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

dine is enid backwards.
Take her out to eat and get to the bottom of this!

 
At 7:11 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

*ignoring you*

-N

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Can you come visit and make my neighbors ignore me? Afterwards, we can try loud sex to see if it worked.

 
At 7:24 AM, Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

You use a jar as your favorite glass?

 
At 7:27 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

fringes,

I have never experienced a feeling like this. I think I am hung up on an old lady.

condo,

I don't know. It's cute. There's only one of them. I stole it.

wreck,

So, I should eat her? Um, no.

natalia,

That could push me over my little edge.

av,

Halloween. Save the date.

mal,

At Jamie's house. At my place, my favorite beer glass has the word "beer" on it and two hands clasped together in prayer.

 
At 7:41 AM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

Plant a flower in the pickle jar and leave it on Enid's doorstep. Just where she'll step on it as she goes to get the mail from her nonexistent mailbox.

 
At 7:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

edgy,

I will have to remember to wipe my fingerprints off the jar.

 
At 8:01 AM, Blogger jali said...

Enid is an evil "take backer" and must be stopped. Please ask Jamie to put up neiborhood warnings so that other innocents won't be harmed.

 
At 8:06 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Buy the old lady a case of jars?

I mean, it might be worth it and you could possibly get some new sweet pickles out of the deal.

Or is it the whole principal of the thing now?

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

It's known in the business as 'froideur' - we British are masters at it. The more you try to get her attention, the more determinedly she will ignore you. If you want her attention - ignore her. Works every time...

Puss

 
At 8:10 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

Hee, that is awesome. You are the coolest. ;)

 
At 8:19 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

I saw an old dude in Atlanta Sat. driving a rascal scooter across Briarcliff Rd. and he just stopped.

I think he wanted to take a nap. Some bicycle guy poked him to make sure he wasn't dead and he started scooting across the street again.

Old folks talk about the weather all the time too. I bet she wants to talk about weather.

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

oh go buy the lady some new pickling jars you silly Mist

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger La Cubana Gringa said...

I bet if you pickled a bunch of middle fingers (using her jar) THAT might get her attention.

Or at least a thank you for returning the jar.

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger Kara said...

OMG LOL!!! That's the funniest thing I've heard today :D

 
At 8:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jali,

Oh, I love the term "take backer." I am going to spell that out in lights on Jamie's roof with an arrow pointing to Enid's house.

slick,

It's always the principality of it all, Smokey.

puss,

She's British?

karma,

Yes, tormenting the elderly is pretty cool of me.

nolff,

Who doesn't like to talk about the weather. It was great weather in Atlanta last weekend, wasn't it?

mayren,

Where the hell do I buy those?

lcg,

Still, I will need a lid.

kara,

We thought so too. I should have posted a picture of the actual mailbox.

 
At 8:57 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

No okra, eh? Some people don't like it slimy and hairy...

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

I like pickled mushrooms myself.

@nwjr- if its going to be slimy and hairy, it better be a post-ejaculated penis.

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Gee, guess that nobody taught Enid that if when you give a gift that the container is included.

I have a neighbor like that who's mad that I took down a tree of mine that was dying, but that she happened to like looking at out her window. She ignores me and it makes me laugh. I call her the Lorax.

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger Uncivil said...

Enid is probably going to go postal one day!

 
At 9:14 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nwjr,

Well, when you put it like that...maybe okra's not so bad.

stilt,

I like pickled mushrooms.

velvet,

I think you're right. I should cut down one of her trees.

uncivil,

I can't wait.

 
At 9:23 AM, Blogger maximo said...

this story makes me feel sad. poor enid. now what will she drink beer out of?

 
At 9:25 AM, Blogger Susan said...

I say buy a bunch of random jars and leave them for her. Fill them with different pickled products. Say you want all of the jars returned--maybe she can keep them and feel better about herself.

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

My dad made pickled asparagus.
I should send it to you.
I'm not much for pickled anything.
Herring, cucumbers, pig's feet.
Gross.

 
At 9:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maximo,

Whose side are you on here?

susan,

I would just eat all the pickled stuff out of the jars. Unless they were eggs.

alicia,

I love pickled asparagus. Keep the herrings and pig's feet. Thanks for offering.

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger Julie_Gong said...

I almost died choking on an apple because of this story but it was well worth it.

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger Susan said...

The mention of pickled eggs made me gag. I was once at a bar where they found a jar of pickled eggs that no one knew how old they were. They decided to have a contest on who could eat the most of them. It was the most horrible thing I've ever seen.

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

*sigh* The Prince informed me that my neighbor's 12 yr old boy asked his daddy if he could close his window the other night because there was "Too much noise" coming from our house.

So far I have been able to avoid the neighbors.

 
At 9:50 AM, Blogger James Burnett said...

You guys are sadistic. Still, I'd check Ms. Enid's pulse. If she missed all that stuff then she might've bought the farm some time ago.

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger maximo said...

maybe you can get her a replacement jar... say, when you've finished your mayo.

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger hotlipz said...

59 comments? Phenomenal!

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Well hell, I would think Enid would take it as a compliment. Only the finest pickle jars can be used to drink beer out of? Isn't this common knowledge? The nerve of her!

 
At 11:19 AM, Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

59 comments? This is a pretty slow day for you Mist...

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger Claudia said...

as bugs bunny would say..."of course you know this means war." I'd be wary of cranky old ladies.

 
At 11:43 AM, Blogger Jim said...

;-)
..

 
At 12:28 PM, Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Just do whatever it is you do to woo the gentlemen-- maybe play pool in front of her? That should get her attention.

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

Have you tried letting your lawn go? Unmowed grass gets my overly snooty neighbors in a right snit.

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger Liz said...

All this over a pickle jar? Clearly I haven't spent enough time down south because I don't even get why Enid wanted the jar back. The tactics being used to get her to stop ignoring folks are hilarious though!

 
At 1:31 PM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Well, I too though Enid was dead and therefore the reason for no reaction. I took this one hook, line and sinker. All this over a f***ing Mason jar? Enid needs to get a life. You and Jamie are doing fine :)

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

julie,

I cannot be held responsible for any injuries that occur while reading this blog.

susan,

Now I feel vomity.

james,

I know that we should leave her alone, but we can't.

maximo,

Maybe she won't notice.

hotlipz,

All because I apparently have no respect for the elderly.

Thanks for coming by.

ctw,

Please call Enid and tell her.

p of u,

I know. No one here likes pickles.

claudia,

She'd better not try anything. We haven't even touched her roses yet.

jim,

I don't know how to make smileys, but thanks.

mystery,

I have A cups. Pool is not my specialty.

q of d,

First, Jamie will have to grow some grass. Then, she will let it go. Perfect plan. It should only take two years to hatch.

liz,

It is the cutest jar.

comedy,

I'm not going to joke about dead old lady. Unless she died in a really funny way.

 
At 2:14 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

I want to move back down south so people call me Miss Valerie. I like that.

I also like pickles.

 
At 2:20 PM, Blogger Mayren said...

New Pickling Jars are usually bought at places like your local supermarket in the Canning/making jelly section or at WalMart - same section. (like by the sugar and gelatin etc)

Sheesh. Am I the only one who had to participate in Gramma's Canning crusades as a kid? I feel so redneck right now.

 
At 2:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

123,

Do you like sweet tea? You should probably start saying "y'all."

mayren,

There is a canning section? I only buy magazines and wine at the grocery store.

 
At 2:43 PM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

so why did jamie lie and say she must have lost the jar? if i were jamie i would have told the happy old lady that you laid claim to the jar & the lid is gone so she's sol. jamie lied and now you have a cranky old broad instead of a happy old lady. bad. funny as hell, but bad. perhaps you could kill her with kindness?

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger Andy said...

"The dog ate most of her cat"

Oh man... I spewed coffee through my nose on that one. I'll learn to NOT drink anything (except maybe tequila) while reading your blog!

To get her attention... have you tried sacrificing a goat on the front lawn?

Just sayin'.

 
At 2:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hello,

I knew someone had to be to blame for this situation. I blame Jamie.

andy,

I am still paying off the fine for having ducks within the city limit. I will do jail time for goats. It's a violation of my parole.

 
At 2:52 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

I thought the same thing as Michael C...i thought she had passed...

Hmm....well maybe break into her house and have wild monkey sex on her dining table?

 
At 3:02 PM, Blogger kat said...

Your stories are so funny but it's SO HARD to tell if you are making it up!!!!!

Can you create some kind of grid or pie chart that shows how much of your stuff is exagerrated?

It would enhance my reading experience. Especially if it was 99% pie true!

:)

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger STAK said...

that's a helluva lot of ignoring over a single pickle jar........

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger Love Monkey said...

I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Enid is in my snubbers anonymous group.

She's always looking for a reason to start snubbing again. The jar was just a handy excuse.

 
At 4:09 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

I would say buy her a case of canning jars. But then, where's the fun in that?

 
At 4:14 PM, Blogger Amy said...

That's just rude to ask for a jar back and worse yet to be that pissed about it! Damn!!

And, you know she had to have been pissed about the burned bushes! Geez!

 
At 5:13 PM, Blogger thepinkangel said...

you won't eat pickled okra!! are you crazy...that stuff is yummy.

Are you sure Enid is still alive. You might call the local police department for a welfare check. :P

 
At 5:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nofear,

I am afraid of monkeys. I am also afraid of monkey sex.

kat,

Okay, we might not have had tambourines.

stak,

I'm sure it's an heirloom.

monkey,

Call her sponsor. Tell them that Enid is snubbing again. Every day.

legal,

Exactly. I've got too much invested in this game now.

amy,

The burned part was mostly facing Jamie's house. Some people.

pink,

No okra. I don't care how it's prepared.

 
At 5:54 PM, Blogger Dave said...

With healthy disbelief, if much of that is true, mean, just mean. Didn't like that much, but I do like most of what you write.

 
At 5:57 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dave,

I'm not known for being nice. I'm more well known for my shoes.

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger Nina said...

Enid broke-up with you. With both of you. You need to start the getting over it process.

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger Todd said...

Did you send a thank-you card? Maybe she's not upset about the jar. Old people get all bent out of shape if you don't send a thank-you card right away.

If I start ignoring you, will you walk past my house in a mini-skirt and pull out the southern accent?

 
At 7:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nina,

I want her back.

todd,

I can't handle you and Enid ignoring me. It will be damaging to my grandiose sense of self.

 
At 8:26 PM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

All that over a jar? I wonder if I could get my husband to ignore me once in a while if I refuse to give him back his coffee cup? :)

Could be worth a short.

 
At 8:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kristyn,

Generally, it's not a good idea to mess with people's coffee and coffee accessories.

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger Todd said...

Are you kidding, I could never ignore you. I don't have it in me.

(and you don't have me in you!)

Sorry, couldn't help it.

 
At 9:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

todd,

Hold on, let me check...

You're right. You're not in me.

 
At 1:46 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

76.There is no greater form of aggression than that of being_____
a. ignored
b. ignored
c. ignored
not very neighborly

 
At 5:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

stacy,

I choose d. All of the above.

 

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