Finding Stuff
Yesterday morning, I woke up with a disturbing thought. I never buried my guinea pig after she died a few weeks ago. I couldn't even remember what I did with her little albino corpse. I checked all of the standard places that one might keep a dead guinea pig. I found a harness of sorts under my bed, but there was no guinea pig. I did not find a guinea pig between the cushions of my couch but, I did find $0.76.
I took a different approach in my search. Detectives on TV always find bodies folded up and wrapped in rugs in the trunks of cars. I Although I know that only victims of heinous crimes end up in trunks, I still checked my car. I did not find Wiggy.
I was wasting my time. I needed to think like me to find my dead pet. I went back inside collected all my handbags. I poured their contents on the floor. I decided to sort the contents into categories; animal, mineral, cosmetic, flammable, and sexual. I sifted through the pile. I found lip gloss (cosmetic), packets of Splenda (flammable), old chewing gum (mineral), and dental floss (cosmetic/sexual). There was nothing in the animal pile.
The kitchen was the next logical place to look. I peered into the garbage disposal. When I was a kid, Mom told me that rats crawl up garbage disposals. As a precaution, I ran the disposal for a few seconds. No rats. No guinea pig. In the freezer, the ice maker was full and, I found my spare mailbox key. I couldn't resist the urge to see if it would stick to my tongue. It did. I opened the fridge and observed that the light still worked and that I was running low on pickles. I opened a vegetable drawer and in horror, I found Wiggy's body, wrapped in plastic. She was cold and stiff and much browner than I had remembered.
I retched over the sink and unceremoniously put Wiggy in the freezer. I called the cat nanny and told him what I had found. We decided that we would bury her in the park immediately. I changed into a short red dress because I have always wanted to wear a slutty red dress to a funeral. I wore black shoes out of respect. When the cat nanny arrived, I made him get the body out of the freezer. He pulled out the plastic bag and inspected Wiggy's decaying frame. "Why do you have a potato in the freezer?" he asked.
We searched for hours. We did not find Wiggy.
I can only conclude that Wiggy was the albino guinea pig Messiah. I live on the sacred site of a rodent resurrection. She has risen.
Mist 1
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:14 AM
73 Comments:
You don't quite realise just how disturbing that really is. No, I mean it. My G*d is not impressed. This is well beyond the normal nachos and dip approach to Holy Animals.
I do hope you understand. This is for your own good but my G*d stashed it in a nice place, a pretty place. My G*d is awesome like that. You don't even have to thank It for the fact that It has totally discredited your 'risen' theory.
But you thank me. I'n never above appreciation for random chaos.
But in all due respect, seriously, wtf happed to it? It creeps me it out, the fact that is disapeared and all. Dead animals just don't do that!
Recognise~! :o
I'm sure it'll turn up in the darndest place when you of course are least expecting it. Until then don't forget to set up a shrine and charge a couple bucks from the tourists to be there.
Yeah, she has risen and you can probably find her in the vegetable counter at the store. That's where they found my friends guinea pig once.
Well, at least that'll shut all those religious types up now.
Puss
(Black shoes with a red dress - I'm not convinced)
You signed off twice. Well done.
BTW, what did you do with wiggy?
I'm sorry, I thought you were done with him. I'm using him as a doorstop.
"because I have always wanted to wear a slutty red dress to a funeral"
LOL! Funny post.
Another brilliant read; all hail the risen Wiggy!
Or it's all just an elaborate ruse used by Wiggy to escape. I can't imagine why she'd want to...but guinea pigs can be sneaky.
This is considerably more wholesome than yesterday's piece. Thank you so much for returning to the normal world where serpents are safe and guinea pigs are decaying.
I'm still stuck on yesterdays post...what kinda shoes were you planning on wearing with the Slutty Red Dress??
Wiggy is dead. Long live Wiggy.
He just wigged out.
Did you check the bar...I mean bank?
Find Richard Gere. He'll clearly be in his butt.
Should I be expected to go to church today? You'd better follow your cat for the next few days...real closely.
oh fuck was this funny. i can't quit hearing the cat nanny, so confused, asking about the potato. (yes, my brain is a scary place. welcome to my world.)
I have to remember not to read your blogs at work anymore. Too funny! By the way, how is Splenda flammable?
something something something about snakes and dental floss.
need coffee.
brb.
I received a package from you a few weeks ago that I was afraid to open. You didn't mail me wiggy, did you?
If you look at the video in yesterday's post closely, you'll see a Wiggy-shaped lump in the snake. Mystery solved.
orhan,
I'm fully aware of how disturbing it is. She could be anywhere.
pool,
This morning, I think I saw the virgin guinea pig in my shower.
choo,
That's pretty damn cute.
puss,
The shoes had a silver detail on the heel.
phishez,
Did I? I've got to start proof reading.
fab,
As long as she's in your happy, healthy home, I'm okay with that.
capt. corky,
When else would I get the chance to do that?
cg,
I think this has the makings of a perfectly good cult.
constance,
Are you suggesting that my guinea pig played possum?
mystic,
After careful consideration, I'm wondering if there could be something wrong with me afterall.
tom,
You really should see them. They are exquisite. You have no idea how exquisite until you see them from the back. They are just like I am.
fringes,
You are not new to chanting phrases like that are you? Is that a Baptist thing? Episcopalian?
wreck,
She got Wiggy with it.
tera,
Good suggestion. I'll have to stop by there.
av,
Again?
michael,
That's my fear.
hello,
The cat nanny was probably more shocked that I had something edible in my house.
granny,
Splenda is highly combustible if the conditions are right. I have found that most things can be coaxed into burning.
maximo,
We are done with the snakes. No more snakes.
susan,
Would you mind burying that for me? Thanks.
his sin,
I really couldn't watch it that closely.
I've got one made-up word for you...
Rodentapult
I vaguely recall you saying you'd learned something from Law and Order and pathological crime show watching. (Or maybe that's me). Anyway, I think it gets instantly revoked when etc. etc. (fill in with your whole entry.)
I'm ready to believe now.. no lies.
I say you double your search efforts, then send that furry bastard to the sky with tomorrow's fireworks. I'm sure he would have wanted it that way.
Aw, lady, another animal-themed post?
I'm still trying to recover from that snake ickiness. Can you please talk about shoes again?
MIst1: Those black shoes better have been strappy sandals with lots of rhinestone accents, otherwise...I am severely disappointed.
Wiggy escaped!
have you looked in the trunk of your car? the body is always in the trunk. put there by tommy "no-neck" rigatoni. wearing little cement galoshes. on his way to swim with jimmy hoffa.
I kept a dead pet hedgehog in my freezer for a few months until I could bury him (that's what he gets for dying in winter when the ground is hard). After a few friends found out, they mumbled something about not wanting to ever come over for dinner again.
Do you think your cat might have any ideas on Wiggy's whereabouts, perchance?
Did you look under your pillow? That's where I hide things sometimes.
Ok the dress works. My ever-vivid imagination checked it out. Make sure the black shoes are the ones that lace up along the calf.
I was hoping that I could wear a utili-kilt? Does this look ok?
If it works for you then, if I can wear that I can bring the harness along.
I think wiggy would have wanted that.
Don't you?
forgot to mention about those utili-kilts. You can bring almost +anything+ in them and they look just great.
Please let me know. I have to start buying this stuff fairly soon.
oh. wait. there's a film "the loved one".
yea. watch that film. I think there's some good ideas there too.
just trying to help. sorry for your loss.
Did you maybe flush her?
YOu should have used a Ziploc bag...keeps 'em fresher longer! I thought I was the only one who used floss as a sexual stimulant!
furious,
That was Rasputin's little brother, right?
booda,
Damn. I hope there's a crime show marathon on A & E this weekend.
orhan,
Believing is seeing.
b. port,
I am sickened by thinking of the debris.
123,
I was just about to draft another animal post.
scotts,
Trust me. They are divine. Delicate and fierce. Again, much like I am.
bob,
Wiggy swims with the fishies.
velvet,
We did the same thing with my grandpa because he died in Minnesota in December.
I plan on doping the cat up with catnip tonight and interrogating him.
mindy,
As a matter of fact, I did look under my pillow last night. I can't believe I can sleep on all that stuff.
turner,
Wiggy always loved you in that outfit.
jazz,
I happen to have a brand new toilet with a powerful flush. I am tempted all the time to see what it can handle.
jenny,
Did the Ziploc people pay you for that comment?
Eventually, if Wiggy is still in the building, you'll have a distinct smell to follow. I'm sure you'll find Wiggy then.
Have you checked her cage? Maybe she's buried under the wood shavings and shredded newspaper.
On the bright side, baked potato with dinner!
Did you have a mystery meal recently? Did it taste like chicken?
Was it the missing body?
LOL
girl, you need therapy, or at least better BBQ knowledge, I mean, its easier to cook fresh road kill than a frozen stiff.
Maybe the cat got him??
did you at least burry the potato?
I mean you wouldn't want to waiste wearing the red dress and black shoes...
First - Avitable is one sick m-effer. Wouldn't do any good to put a dead one up there.
Second - I would check near the vodka. I seem to remember some kinda drowning occuring correct?
Holy smokes, Mist! LOL! I don't know whether to laugh or be horrified! ;) I'm just thinkin' that if you haven't found Wiggy yet, then that means Wiggy's probably still in your house! I'm just cringing thinking about the day that her body does resurface! LOL! Ick!
Hee-ha-larious. This reminds me of losing our hamster in second grade and in the process of trying to find her, we found another long-lost hamster from another class that had been "living off the land" so to speak for weeks. Maybe your gunea pig was resurrected and you'll stumble across her one day casually munching on a piece of partical board (or something)...
I am convinced that Wiggy was indeed playing Possum.
After years of watch Mission Impossible reruns from it's cage it devised the masterful plan.
Had you looked more closely at Cat Nanny I am sure you may have seen the telltale white hairs sticking out from under the mask. The Cat Nanny was Wiggy! Brilliant!
Tom Cruise eat your heart out, you aren't worthy of Wiggy's kibble.
Mom never let me have a mouse or guinea pig.
Thanks for rubbing that painful memory in a little deeper.
are you sure wiggy wasn't just playing dead? maybe he ran away and joined the circus. Circuses LOVE albinos.
sheila,
I don't like distinct smells.
condo,
How long do you think it would take for her to mummify in there? I don't want to walk in on that.
larry,
I haven't had a meal in days.
tellin,
I'm not good with growing stuff.
lee,
Where the Hell did I leave the vodka?
chrissy,
Maybe I should move.
mood,
I'm going to the store for some particle board. I had no idea that guinea pigs ate particle board.
wave,
Actually, the cat nanny and Wiggy have some striking similarities.
lbb,
Your mom didn't love you.
miztris,
Who doesn't love albinos?
I am on the payroll...don't tell!
goodbye flying wiggy. You never resembled a furry potato. you were a star.
1,
I declare Wiggy free, ala risen on the 4th of July, a holiday we shall celebrate from now on.
i've always wanted to wear a slutty red dress to a funeral, too. i promise to wear one to yours should you suffer a freak-accident involving wine.
or if you just die because you're older than me.
Have you never heard of HI-BER-NATING.....
anyhow the shoes sound groovy, but your red dress is old. A funeral is a reason for getting a new dress! A cute orange low-cut sundress would make a statement amongst all the black, and it'll be an opportunity for an early Halloween.
I will scurry off to buy shrine building materials. As soon as the frogs clear out.
Fabulous storytelling! LOL
Best wishes for a glorious Independence Day!
heeheehe! I got a good old wiggly wobbly belly laugh out of this one. and thanks to you I found avitable dot com and now read him as well.
you so funny girl.
My aunt had a geriatric bunny that died last summer. I wrapped it in towels and then taped it inside a shoe box. Then I put it in my mother's freezer. I'm pretty sure it is still there.
Hope you find your corpse. Check your shoe boxes.
I've never had a corpse in the house, but I did have fecal matter from my dog in the fridge last week. I was really afraid my roommate would think it was fudge and eat it.
I just hope you haven't accidentally eaten Wiggy with sour cream and bacon bits.
Actually that makes a lot more sense than most religions.
Soe friends of ours had a dead pet rabbit that they froze as the ground was too hard to dig a grave in winter. I think they learnt their lesson from the dead rat that the put on the deck where it froze solidly to the deck. Made a good snow brush though.
jenny,
Your secret is safe with me.
melanie,
That was beautiful.
0,
I think we should have fireworks.
jen,
Promise that you'll visit me in the nursing home.
anon,
Guinea pigs hibernate?
marti,
Let's sacrifice a goat too.
betty,
Av is fabulous, isn't he?
lampy,
Remind me not to eat at your mom's house.
rhea,
Suddenly, I feel like my fridge is impeccably clean.
karmyn,
I don't like sour cream.
grunt,
I'm suddenly beginning to see the value in living in a place where it rarely freezes.
At the risk of bringing hell fire down on my head I have to ask. Do you know if Wiggy's mom was a virgin when she gave birth to him?
sniff. sniff.
spell,
I didn't think it was my place to ask. I found Wiggy by following stars to a tiny cage in a nature center. There were a few guys there with incense and stuff. It was like a little party.
turner,
Scratch. Scratch.
Black shoes out of respect... I like that :)
Don't worry. She'll come again.
Good lord Mist, have you been reading Dean Koontz? That was horrific.
See what happens when you mourn Wiggy's death naked with large amounts of vodka? tsk...tsk..
tammie,
I respect the deceased.
matt,
You are so devout.
ghost,
Has Dean been reading me?
tallulah,
I will have to remember that if my parents put me in charge of their affairs.
76 cents AND a mystery 'harness of sorts'?
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Booyashaka
Yes, you are the Mary Magdalene of the rodent kingdom, which is way better than being the Virgin Mother rodent kingdom, although both witnessed the ressurection.
I guess it's your choice, on second thought.
eric,
No one will ever believe that I am the virgin anything. I don't care what kind of apparitions appear in my home.
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