Independence
Everyone has a relative who passes out naked in the yard or falls into the pool. In my family, I am that relative.Jamie's embarrassing relative is her cousin Trish. Last night, Trish had an Independence Day party. Not only was it the 4th of July, but this week the State Board of Pardons and Paroles decided that her ex-boyfriend should serve the duration of his sentence behind bars. Trish thought that the two should be celebrated as the ultimate expression of her Independence as a single American woman.
We stopped at a convenience store to buy Trish a gift. I found a card that I felt summed up my sentiments nicely. The front read, "Congratulations on your break up..." and the inside message was, "I still think we should have drowned him in the river like we did them puppies when we was kids." Jamie bought her carton of cigarettes. We didn't mean to smoke a pack of her cigarettes but, it was a long drive. Jamie cleverly filled the space in the carton with wadded up receipts and crap that she found in the backseat of her car. She neatly resealed the carton with gum. Jamie should have been a surgeon.
We followed the trail of shotgun shells to Trish's house. The front lawn was tastefully landscaped with dirt. Trish threw open the door and we all screamed and hugged. Jamie handed Trish the carton of cigarettes. Trish smiled for a second and then said, "it feels light." She hollered, "Lil' Man, git the Hell up off that floor and git these girls a beer." Moments later, Lil' Man, her six year old son delivered two ice cold beers. I asked him if he'd light my cigarette. Jamie frowned at me, so I told him to light one for his momma too and hurry the Hell up. I told Trish that I thought it was really creative how she had used sheets as curtains. I wondered if she had curtains or vertical blinds on her bed.
Trish went into the kitchen and returned with her special drunken watermelon. I don't like watermelon, but Trish adds so much liquor that I couldn't detect even a hint of fruit. We decided to finish the watermelon while floating in the pool. With the watermelon bobbing in the water, we drifted on our rafts in the pool. Lil' Man did a cannonball and pool water splashed over us and the melon. Trish, showing tremendous restraint, threatened to hold Lil' Man under the water 'til he turned blue again and then calmly told us not to worry about the water splashing on the fruit. She hadn't used chlorine in the pool, so we didn't have to worry about all those chemicals. I decided that this was not the appropriate time to ask for a show of hands who had peed in the pool.
Trish rested her head on her piece of the watermelon and dozed peacefully in the dirt. Lil' Man lovingly brushed the ants from her face. Trish is peaceful when she is sleeping but, she is an entirely different person when abruptly awakened by the sound of fireworks. It must have triggered some kind of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome response. The way she woke up reminded me of the time that I tried to give my cat a bath. Her her was matted from watermelon juice and liquor, her claws sliced at the air, and she hissed menacingly. Quickly, Lil' Man handed Trish her shotgun. Where Trish lives, everyone is a gun owner. Jamie and I hadn't even had the good sense to bring a switchblade or brass knuckles.
We decided that this was a good time to leave.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:07 AM
62 Comments:
"Time to leave" is an understatement! You could have used a broken bottle or something....
You could have turned the hose on her, or hit her with her banjo, or... or...
Jaysus, that's so many kinds of wrong I don't know where to start.
.. she is an entirely different person when abruptly awakened by the sound of fireworks.
You shouldn't sound suprised ;)
I'm surprised the sound of fireworks would wake her up. She must be very used to the sound of gunfire. She probably wasn't quite drunk enough to tune the sound out.
It must be a Southern thing, because I remember buying friends a carton of cigarettes as a gift also.
I have also realized that the appearance of fire arm toting drunks is a good time to leave a party.
I didn't know watermelons bob in the water. I thought it just sinks, like I usually do when I'm drunk in water.
i love alcohol laden melons. And floating in the pool. *starts a therapy fund for little man*
I'm convinced that you just met one part of my family.
How quaint. Is the child also employed as a chimney sweep?
Puss
I hate watermelon.
"I told Trish that I thought it was really creative how she had used sheets as curtains. I wondered if she had curtains or vertical blinds on her bed."
Mist where in the hell do you come up with this stuff...I truly NEEDED that laugh this morning!
Now, just a personal note. From me to you. And I respect your privacy, and your friends. So please don't take this the wrong way.
Because I want you to know your message is coming in loud and clear.
And I agree. That Cheney clan is no good.
Now I'm not sure about L'il man, because I know her daughter likes to dress up. But I heard tell that the little lady's a worse shot than her husband so I'd probably have stayed a bit. Just for appearances.
Did she try to put that home made silencer that they made out of charmin and ducttape. Every time they bring that out I know its my cue to leave.
I mean it doesn't really work that well. Oh hell. You already figured that out.
I am not saying this to be personal, but I just hate how they start making it right there in front of you before they use it.
Laws and sausages should not be seen as they are being made. Thats an old red state saying. Well. I want to include home made silencers in this category.
Because every time lynne cheney pulls out that roll of charmin, she gets it all caught up in her hair and makeup.
Your friends are such fun!
What is sad here is that I know these people. Only they live in Manassas Virginia. This is such a small world.
Best Post Ever.
(also, turnerbroadcasting: Best Comment Ever)
Heh, heh, heh. I often use watermelons as pool floats while drinking out of them with a straw. Plus I taught my kids at a young age how to mix a proper martini. They gotta earn their keep somehow.
That is like the best 4th ever! And all I did was go to a picnic at Centennial and got sunburnt. There was watermelon and goat cheese and sushi though...
I miss living in the South.
mmmmmmm, a booze soaked watermelon. yum. is it wrong for my hungover self to be craving that for breakfast? coz if loving spiked watermelon is wrong then i don't wanna be right.
I have left the South for good, but tales like these make me nostalgic. Reminds me of my relatives - except their tradition is to just drink the liquor and use the fireworks to blow up the melon. The shotgun is mostly used to keep the neighbors out of the yard...
You've gotta see Canada's version of southern culture on the skids: Trailer Park Boys. I haven't seen the movie, but I hear the series way 'outclasses' it (heh).
oh, mist...yet another reason why yours is the first blog i check in the mornings..this is a classic. hysterical. thanks for the laugh before i go to work...(and turnerbroadcasting - hilarious)...i'm so in awe..i can't even think of anything funny to say...must have your brain, mist. must become one with your brain....
Sounds like L'il Man is infinitely more useful than my two kids. Where have I gone wrong?
It sounds like you spent the 4th with my drunken family...
paz,
Last time I did that, I broke a nail.
tim,
Why didn't I think of using the banjo? The toothless kid who was playing it probably would have let me borrow it.
orhan,
I was just shocked that she woke up.
sqt,
Trish knows the difference between the sound of fireworks and shotguns. She pointed out the fine differences earlier.
killer,
Cigarettes make a pretty good gift. Especially if they are the right brand.
curiosity,
I suppose it depends on how thick the water is and how much alcohol is in the melon, alcohol is lighter than water, you know.
melanie,
Lil' Man will be just fine. He's being groomed to be a Redneck butler.
av,
They are lovely, lovely people.
puss,
No, but he knows how to get a transmission out of a car in ten seconds flat.
lux,
Me too.
turner,
She made the silencer out of an empty tin can and duct tape, of course.
tera,
I hate to disappoint, but Trish didn't have any window treatments on her bed. In fact, she didn't even have sheets on her bed.
jazz,
Who wouldn't want to hang out with us?
pool,
They wanted me to tell you hello and to encourage you not to be such a stranger.
dawn,
That was his best comment ever.
adw,
I like your kids. I rarely say that to people.
karma,
Damn. I knew I missed something good at Centennial.
furious,
Y'all come back, ya hear?
hello,
Is it wrong that I couldn't get out of bed until 10 a.m. and all I wanted for breakfast was a cheeseburger? Since I don't happen to have that in the fridge, I am considering which kind of wine is best for breakfast. I think I'm going back to bed.
his sin,
Blowing up the melon would have been a better option. Trish called me this morning to see if I would help her pick the seeds out of the pool.
dawn,
I've got to see Canada's take on this.
rayne,
You can borrow my brain for a bit. It won't get you anywhere in life.
velvet,
Didn't you take those court ordered parenting classes?
alicia,
They asked me to ask you if they can borrow some money.
I think I might be related to Trish!
Sounds like the party was just getting started!!
Ahhhh Lil Man.
When I was a younger man, I had a sidekick. He was awesome 'cause he does what I tells him to do.
Quite a party thar.
Now that's how you fucking celebrate America, by getting to the heart of what this country stands for.
Next time you should have her just save the watermelon. Then she won't have a pillow for dozing off, AND you'll have more vodka without a watermelon there to soak up its preciousness.
when the hangover wore off enough to permit food that wasn't watermelon, i needed grease and was cravinga peanut butter and jelly sammich. called the local diner and asked tehm to deliver a huge order of fries, a side of corned beef hash and a pb&j. told them it is my birthday and i need to push through the hangover. they agreed to assist. i'm feeling much better and think i'll get another wind just in time to properly celebrate my birthday tonight. oh how i love celebrating me.
c & faz,
Trish is not a cat person.
tug,
If only I had the foresight to bring along my shotgun.
matt,
Lil' Man can open a beer bottle with his teeth. And those are still baby teeth!
mel,
You really missed something special.
b. portland,
I stand for the right to bear arms and the right to fill a watermelon with liquor.
mystery,
Now, that's a thought. I was thinking that next time, I would try to get my hands on some farm animals because that seemed to be the missing element.
jenny,
It was the best damn watermelon I have ever had.
hello,
Happy birthday. Please consider letting Trish plan a party for you.
I would love to come with you the next time and experience your culture! But, not on the 4th of July, I have my British ways to consider. ;)
if you ever go to second life, go visit "doublewide"
Got it! So how long does she have the freedom until her man comes home?
Hey, I always wanted to try "cherry bombs."
Everclear and cherries.
Ah to celebrate being Americans! Although I feel like singing John Mellencamp's 'Little Pink Houses' right now for some reason...
Fourth of July in the south....gotta love it.
You go to some scary places, Mist. Were there any dead animals in the yard?
Shucks, I got the three year old and the five year old taught right. They fight over who gets to go get Poppa a beer from the fridge in the garage.
Some of this is pretty funny... well in a SICK way of course! ~ jb///
OMGosh I am that person in my family too!!
You make me feel like I was right there with you.
Ummm..ok then.
danj,
Consider me your personal tour guide.
turner,
Honey, I've already looked at the financing options.
mike,
I'm telling that joke to Lil' Man.
misstress,
Five to ten.
lbb,
I'm pretty sure there wasn't a cherry anywhere to be found yesterday. There was probably some Everclear.
michael,
I think I saw little pink horses, but that might have been the liquor talking.
legal,
You should see how we do Valentine's Day.
tigger,
It's hard to outclass me.
tammie,
Funny you should ask. I thought you all might be tired of hearing my dead animal stories.
michael,
I want to live in your world.
lz,
Does sick mean good?
tellin,
Welcome. It's not a bad place to be.
brooke,
Hey, I think you were there. Were you the one that drove the mower through the neighbor's yard?
I find that adding fruit to liquor makes people feel less self-concious about drinking it.
"Go ahead," I say, "It has fiber."
Then, before we know it, everyone's topless. Wheeee!
Glad you had a good time, doll
I'm slightly envious that you get to be the #1 f-up in your family. I really should be the #1 f-up in my family - and I would be, too, were it not for my cousin Ronnie. Damn Ronnie.
I know her Australian cousins. They're my next door neighbours. I wish I had the money to reunite the family.
Ahhh, no comments on your new post. This is not good for me. I hope you're back in a week or less.
See how I made this all about me? I'm good at that.
You totally ate pee-soaked watermelon. YUM!
Mine is my mother. Or me, depending on the situation.
Some of those fireworks scare me even sober!
and in regards to your pop quiz above - wherever you may be one word of advice: Don't drop the soap. (maybe that's if you are a guy - in that case, never mind)
I'm sure someone has explained the liquor watermelon in these comments but there's too damn many for me to find it - so do tell, what kinda liquor?
for the watermellon try a combo of a watermellon schnapps and vodka.
I need me a Lil'Man round here.....umm...to go with my "Big Man" of course.
sounds exactly like how I've always imagined every southern get-together to be!
have fun on "vacation", mist! (as if we don't all know it's really rehab that you're off to right now) ;)
Please invite me somewhere sometime!
Enjoy your vacation, babe.
Sounds like a family reunion I once went to- You gotta love the south!
Your picture is one of the beaches of Sanibel Island.
Where you are I don't know or for how long.
Both b's are the logical answers.
Rehab doesn't fit any of those times.
Incarcerated doesn't fit a well shoed lass of your class.
..
123,
Liquor doesn't usually have fiber? Thank goodness I smoke. That keeps me regular.
capt. smack,
We could probably negotiate a fee to take care of that Ronnie situation for you.
steph,
I am willing to pay the airfare to send Trish your way.
sqt,
I never imagined that you'd make the comments on the previous post. Very, very clever.
mindy,
My biology teacher in high school drank his own urine in front of the class. He told us that it was sterile. I feel pretty comfortable with my urine consumption. It was at least partially my urine.
ghost,
I think I'm going to blame my mother. I'm her child after all.
karmyn,
You've been reading here long enough to know that I am not a guy. Now I have to go put on a dress to feel feminine.
mood,
I only wish I knew. I think Trish stills her own in the yard.
q of d,
Trish is no dummy. She's pretty good with numbers. She knows how many ounces are in a pound.
heather,
I didn't even know that schnapps came in watermelon. Ordinarily, I'd turn my nose up at that, but I rarely turn my nose up at liquor.
tallulah,
Everyone needs a Lil' Man.
miztris,
I love "vacation," especially when it's medication time.
wreck,
Seriously, are you sure you can handle it? Because I have to go out to the country later this week. I'll tell you why when we get there.
jay,
Thanks.
weather,
I adore it here.
jim,
You're good with islands.
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