To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Back In My Skin...Mostly

I have a rash and I smell like fish. It was a great vacation. The last time that I had a rash and smelled like fish, it wasn't such a good time. This, was totally different. Totally.

It turns out that I am very, very good at vacationing. I would venture to say that I am almost like a professional vacationer. I don't take it seriously enough to be a professional, but that's what makes me so good at it. On a scale of one to five with one being Sucks at Vacationing and five being Remarkably Comfortable With Housekeeping Finding Me in Compromising Positions, I would have to give myself a five.

I find the ocean to be incredibly therapeutic. The rising and falling tide romance me. The warm water soothes me. The crashing waves remind me to be humble, I am a mite here on Earth and much, much larger things surround me. Mostly, I find the ocean to be a really good place to be completely drunk and mostly naked. This is in stark contrast to the rest of my life in which I am mostly drunk and completely naked.

For the last week, each morning, I strolled the beach of Sanibel, Florida. By the rosy sunrise, I scoured the sandy beach for my bikini top and my room key. From the position of the sun, I calculated the number of hours before the poolside bar opened. I showered, rinsing sand from parts of me that looked remarkably like the seafood that I had consumed the night before and dragged myself to my bed. I slept. It was bliss.

By late morning, I found myself at the pool. I nestled my towel and sunglasses and magazines and beverages with umbrellas between the drinkers and the tanorexics. It is a thin line between the two groups. Drinkers who pass out in the sun, rapidly find themselves the envy of the tanorexics. We formed a strong bond. The drinkers admired my ability to drink and the tanorexics admired my tan. I miss them sorely already.

The American Cancer Society stood watch, poolside. Their awareness personnel are a bit like the United Nations peace keeping forces. Their presence did not go unnoticed and we appreciated their vast knowledge on what was a melanoma and what was most likely a laceration or bruise or hickey. They handed out samples of sunscreen to those who requested one but, they were ordered to stand down and watch us slowly bake ourselves into our own preconceived notions of the perfect shade of gold.

By the second day, the skin on my forehead had a new texture and I began to think that maybe I should invest in a floppy hat. But, on the third day, when my forehead peeled and revealed new skin, baby soft and in a brand new shade, I decided that I my skin is an incredible, mysterious organ, best left to it's own devices. Plus, my hair doesn't always look it's best in a floppy hat. As I type this, I am sitting in a flaky mound of my own shoulder and back and bridge of my nose dander. I cannot stop peeling myself. It is disgusting and gratifying all at the same time. I cannot stop picking at my shoulders. I think that peeling negates all of the daiquiri and fried crab cake calories that I consumed over the last six days. Surely, I have shed five pounds of skin and surely, I consumed five pounds of fried calamari. The ocean has a way of taking and giving.

Next week, if I can remember, I will write about how I was attacked by an inflatable whale or how I narrowly escaped death by angry mobs of cheap airline travelers but, for now, I am content to be back to blogging.

I Mist y'all. It's good to be back.

Mist 1


At 11:32 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

What's this? A Mist post? She's back? I now have to completely reorganize my blogging schedule..

Oh wow, you're peeling too? My chest, scars and stomach make me look like a damn leper.

At 11:34 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

We mist you too.

One year I applied sunscreen everywhere except my part. People kept offering up suggestions for dandruff shampoo. No one would believe that I was just peeling.

At 11:43 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Good to see you enjoyed the time away. You deserved it. The next destination better be poolside Sydney-somewhere :)

At 2:20 AM, Anonymous R! said...

I have a rash and I smell like fish.

That happened to me once. Cost twenty bucks.

At 2:42 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

So the rehab worked then? You got a new addiction.



At 3:19 AM, Blogger Pie said...

Glad you're back. I can stop staring at your Pop Quiz post and hitting F5 whilst screaming "Noooooooooooooo". My throat was getting sore.

At 3:22 AM, Blogger Liz said...

I had the same unfortunate event that Churlita mentioned. I was at a crawfish boil and the part in my hair got flaming red then flaky. I refer to that time in my life as the "turban experiment" because I tried everything I could to mask the molting. It was awful!

At 3:31 AM, Anonymous tokenblogger said...

I mist you, 2.

At 3:47 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Welcome back mist!

I have never had sand in any anatomical parts. Let alone the ones that resemble seafood. I don't want to know what its like.

At 3:55 AM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

The ocean IS a great place to be completely drunk and mostly naked -- that's why I live so close.

Glad you're back.

At 4:46 AM, Blogger Peter DeWolf said...

There really is something oddly soothing about peeling old skin off of yourself.

Though people start getting all judgey when you try to make a sweater out of it.

Hm. Wonder why that is.

At 4:50 AM, Blogger tim said...

Good to see you managed to avoid drowning, jellyfish and budgie smugglers, Mist1. If you're not sure what the last is, some background information: a budgie is a bird remarkably like a parrot, only exactly one half the size. A smuggler is someone who transports contraband illegally, often by hiding it somewhere on their person.

Now picture this: a man, a beautiful sunny beach, palm trees, a zephyr, slowly rolling waves. The man is short but portly, and is wearing a pair of tiny tiny indecently tight lycra briefs. Where do think the budgie might be in this picture?

Oh God - I just threw up a little in my mouth.

At 4:56 AM, Blogger Killer said...

Did you see any really hairy guys in Speedos? Were they hot? I ask because I am debating becoming one of those guys.

At 4:59 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Welcome back. The place wasn't the same without you.

At 5:01 AM, Blogger Airam said...

You should keep your peelings as sort of a reminder of the great vacation you had. You can keep it in a jar on your mantel and when you have guests over you can direct their way over to the mantel where you show them your peelings and what they mean to you.

At 5:16 AM, Blogger Spellbound said...

The sun turns me immediately to brown with no preliminary red phase, so I never thought about the therapeutic value of sunburn before. It sounds like something between going to the spa and having a full body exfoliation and being dropped into a lobster pot. I can see the ‘appeal’, especially if it allows one to eat more Calamari.

At 5:40 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

I have long contended that people who complain about their vacations should not be allowed to take time off again. Instead, they should forfeit their paid vacation time to me. I am also an excellent vacationer.

People think I'm younger than I am because every time I go to the beach I go through the UV exfoliation routine you described. For me there is not tan... just a red-white-red-white cycle. It hurts being albino sometimes.

At 5:40 AM, Blogger speedwobble said...

...and here I thought you were incarcerated...

At 5:40 AM, Blogger Steph said...

I think you found your true calling, Mist.
But did you discover a foolproof way for getting rid of sand in your bikini?

At 5:41 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

Mist you too! Glad you're back. And the vacay sounds heavenly, especially the fried calamari part! :)

At 6:04 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Sharks did not eat you because of me. I was looking out for your safety. I'm good like that.

At 6:08 AM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

welcome home! wasn't the same without you.

this irish girl does the blindingly white to red to scarily white to red to really white to red and sometimes my freckles will start to connect on my arms, but that's about it. oh how i have always wanted to tan.

(sanibel is awesome...had more fun than a girl should be allowed to have one year down there. good times!)

At 6:12 AM, Blogger Mystic Wing said...

Welcome back, lass. Things aren't the same when you're not making us laugh.

At 6:22 AM, Blogger Not a Granny said...

Glad you had a nice vacation. You were missed, but glad you enjoyed Sanibel. (I heard they are still wondering about you)

At 6:28 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

You came to Florida and you didn't call me?


But I had box wine and condoms!

At 6:28 AM, Blogger Gem said...

Welcome back Mist. My morning at work are so much better when you're posting.

Glad you had a good time.

P.S. As for the sand and seafood bits, try vodka, it's not sticky and it shrinks stuff.

At 6:52 AM, Blogger His Sinfulness said...

Gods I'm glad you're back - a fresh post, and not a hint of Harry Potter in it! Never leave again, ok?

At 7:26 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

ahhh, there you are! and sanibel? did you find good shells? it's beautiful there. and yes, we mist you...

smiles, bee

At 7:43 AM, Blogger Winter said...

Jesus Christ. It's about time.

At 7:43 AM, Blogger WNG said...

I Mist you SOOOO much! Blogland is not the same without you and your skin dander.

At 7:46 AM, Blogger tallulah said...

Wow! I thought for sure you were in rehab with Lindsey Lohan.

I'm a great vacationer too. Give me a vicodin and a bloody Mary and I'm up for anything.

Glad to see your return.

At 7:54 AM, Anonymous la cubana gringa said...

I usually spend the majority of my days entirely sober and only somewhat naked. Now I realize what I've been doing wrong.

At 8:01 AM, Blogger c j. said...

god, you're back so unexpectedly!! (much screaming and arm waving ensues). today my post is in your honor, then.

At 8:03 AM, Anonymous themuttprincess said...

Ah, your vacation sounds divine!

At 8:04 AM, Blogger Susan said...

Does sitting in the sun burn off calories? Glad you're back and seemingly unharmed.

At 8:16 AM, Blogger Claudia said...

Florida beachside is definitely a good place to be drunk and nearly naked.

At 8:32 AM, Blogger puppylander said...

back already? i was so sure you were in the clink for a month. shoot. who have i been visiting in jail for the past week?

At 8:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I love leopard skin. I'm not that into leper skin. Even lepers aren't that into their skin.


Please don't let my scalp peel.


I will need a good hotel recommendation.


You got robbed. You can get that here for much cheaper.


Rehab works wonders every time I go.


I didn't want to have to score all of those tests.


I already got felt up going through security. I can only imagine what it would be like wearing a turban.


Me too.


Clearly, you don't eat mussels or own a mirror.


I'm glad to be back too. I am not getting dressed any time soon.


I wish that I hadn't run the vacuum.


I like it when you call me budgie.


I fully support you in your quest to reinvent yourself.


Sometimes, that's a good thing.


I think I'll make a collage.


I feel closer to myself somehow.


I adore complaining about everything. I actually had to leave the pool to get a drink. Can you imagine?


You can retake the quiz if you would like.


The foolproof method is to not wear a bikini.


May I never eat fried foods again.


Bless you and all that you do for me.


I wasn't the same either.


Dry your tears. I won't take another vacation for six months.


The people of Sanibel miss me deeply.


I am allergic to both.


I always try the vodka.

his sin,

Next time, you all will just have to come with me.


There were more shells than I knew what to do with.


JC wasn't there. I looked for Him.


Dander is a jolly word. It makes me smile.


Linds and I went shopping for her birthday. It was a blast.


I'm so happy that I could help.


I'm coming over.


You should have been there. You could have helped me find my bikini.


Any time you are hot, you burn calories.


It was perfect.


I've got good attorneys.

At 8:42 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Mistd you. That is so cheesy, can't believe you initiated it and it thought it sounded good at the time. Hugs.

At 8:53 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Ahhhhh all is right and well with my world again. When I saw your comment on my blog I literally let out a "SQUEEEEEEEEE!" and ran over here to hug you. Or steal some booze. Whatever.

Glad you had a nice time. :)

At 8:59 AM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

mist u2 :~)

At 9:04 AM, Blogger ~Tim said...

Glad you had a good time and made it home safely!

At 9:23 AM, Blogger Jenny! said...

You got out on good behavior...what DID you do to those guards???

At least you can peel the fish smell off!

At 9:48 AM, Blogger Miss-Informed said...

Sounds fantastic! Lucky girl...
I too have a sick fascination with peeling my own flesh. Hey, I'm Campy!!!
Hope you put up some pics of the vay-kay!
See any alligators???

At 10:41 AM, Blogger Tera said...

Oh darn...7 days it was! Since your last post, I was totally torn between rehab and incarceration.

At 12:25 PM, Blogger Wavemancali said...

When you get to the completely drunk and completely naked stage call me.

Leaving like you did with no notice was like pulling the band-aid off without letting us know. It hurt.

Welcome back to the land of the blogging.

At 1:23 PM, Blogger Avitable said...


At 1:44 PM, Blogger Mimi Lenox said...

Makes me long for the ocean. Welcome back.

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Captain Smack said...

I like peeling, it's very satisfying. A girlfriend and I once had matching sunburns, and we took turns peeling each other, like monkeys grooming. She was good. Some girls won't do that.

At 2:38 PM, Blogger Dawn Coyote said...

A professional vacationer? That reminds me of a friend who used to say, "I'm not an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholist."

And I know what you mean about the irresistable nature of peeling skin. I'm a perpetual fiddler. It's like I can't think unless I'm plucking, tugging, or rubbing something.

At 2:53 PM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

I envy you and your talent for professional vacationing. I would like to learn how, if only for a little while on the white sandy beaches of Cancun.

Will you teach me? And call me grasshopper while you do it?

At 2:59 PM, Blogger Matt said...

I loved Sanibel Island when I visited.

I remember buying a bottle of whiskey and then walking around everywhere with my bottle of whiskey until we rented bicycles and I wabbled around everwhere with my whiskey.

At 3:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


And yet, you played along.


Keep your mitts off of my booze.


Every time someone says that, I think it's cuter and cuter.


Thanks. Me too.


What happens in jail stays in jail.


There are no alligators in Florida. That is a myth.


I have been torn between rehab and incarceration before.


That's the only way to remove a Band-Aid.




Was it the part about sand in my crotch that made you long for the ocean?

capt. smack,

Was her butt red? Because she might have been a monkey.


I should have used the word vacationist.

q of d,

Grasshopper, you have come to the right person.


I got suckered into renting a bike too.

At 4:42 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Considering I used to work in one and so does my housemate, finding you a hotel room wont be hard at all. It would of course be un-Australian to not offer the couch to sleep on, at the very least. (Count yourself lucky, I don't normally offer more than a cardboard box in a my carport)

Anyways, you just settle back into that pretty skin of yours. Just know you've always got a friend in the sunny states of OZ, always, that you can escape to :)

At 4:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Couch? Hmmm. What side of the bed do you prefer?

At 6:02 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Sanibel is one of my favorite places on earth. I always come away looking like a Hereford cow, though, brown body and white face which never sees the sun while obsessively scanning the beach for shells.

So glad you had a great vacation, and that you're back.

At 6:34 PM, Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

Sure it wasn't a leper colony? Might be why it was so cheap.

The sea is very therapeutic and erotic.

At 8:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Are you saying that I look like a cow?


I love the sea and seamen.

At 9:04 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

DAMN i thought you were in rehab! ;-)

Glad you are back....*smacking arm* glad you are gimme more...*smacking arm*

At 10:13 PM, Anonymous swamp witch said...

I can't tell you how long it was before I "got" the Mist 1 thing.
Now, you've thrown in Mist U 2.
*swampy leaves scratching her head...rash*

At 1:51 AM, Blogger SQT said...

I too am one of the stange ones who like to peel my skin( and my husbands on occasion-shhhh). I think the only better would to be drunk while peeling the skin on my husbands back. Or is that TMI?

At 2:54 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

You and the missus can share the bed then, I'll have the couch. Damn women and their terrority hoarding ways ;)

In all honesty she wont mind at all you staying with us or traveling the country side alone with me, she is good like that. But if that is too creepy I can certainly find you a cheap room in a 4 and half star hotel in Sydney-city.

You seriously need to experience a day in Sydney, you will not regret it.

At 6:26 AM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

I was a surfer once. Well guess I still am but atlanta is my home. Wish we would get one of those really good wave pools they make.

At any rate, I've always been pretty smart. It comes with being paranoid, visionary and generally sexless.

So, when I ripped up the school spelling bee when I was little I got my picture in the school paper before they shipped me off to the state championship.

Now, I'd gone surfing the weekend before. The waves were ++ tasty ++

My friends and I. Remember when we had "friends". And not just bloodsucking leeches surrounding us?

Yea. My friends and I , we surfed 10 hours straight. Paddled into eat, paddled back out. It was a fluke wave. It was actually right in my back yard. They called the break "house".

So at any rate. I got so sunburned it was profound. For the first time in my life my skin peeled off in sheets.

So thats a memory for you. A picture of me on the front page of my school paper with a big piece of skin flapping off my face.


I looked like a paint horse.
God I hate horses.

Why do I have one?
Why am I here?

Maybe its that song by depeche mode.. its got to be the lipstick.

Will I always be here?

At 7:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I lost a couple dollars as I was pretty sure you went to rehab. (fist in air)

welcome back!! You were mist too.

At 8:12 AM, Blogger Tammie Jean said...

Scouring the beach for your bikini top and room key - sounds like you had a great time! Welcome back :)

At 8:18 AM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

I was so hoping you didn't get incarcerated. So glad to see you back.

At 8:40 AM, Blogger Uncivil said...

I'm glad you and your "Bearded Clam" made it back safely! Or is it a freshly shaven "Clam"?

At 8:50 AM, Blogger Diesel said...

The American Cancer Society is like the U.N. of suntanning. Did they wear blue helmets?

At 9:05 AM, Blogger velvet said...

Professional vacationer? Now there's a job with infinite perks.

Sounds like a fun time. Glad that you're back.

At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Rhea said...

Vacation surely is fun, but at least blogging does not involve any shedding of skin.

At 10:56 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


You know I'm lying when I say rehab with only one re. It's more like rerehab.


I don't even get me.


Drunken peeling is okay. Drunken peeing isn't.


I don't hoard territory. I may pee around the perimeter to mark it a bit.


Leaches can be very therapeutic.


Courtney Love said that maybe all I needed a vacation. She really helped Whitney through the tough spots, so I listen to her.


It was a great time. I wish that I had thought to find my bikini bottom too.


I hope I don't get incarcerated either.


Waxed clam. It's a delicacy.


No. They wore floppy straw hats.


But what would you do to get away from work?


Speak for yourself. I lose a few flakes with every keystroke.

At 1:06 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

I was sure you were in rehab. Sanibel is beautiful I hear, glad you had a nice retreat.

At 4:40 PM, Blogger SpanishGoth said...

Fuck me - and I thought I was mad. Don't go in the sun, in melts your brain as well as your skin.

Look for the dark corners (square umbrellas help) where they serve alcohol.

And the tide 'ebbs and flows' - it only rises when there's a tsunami and that's when you're glad you can surf

At 4:53 PM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

I trust your skills.

At 4:56 PM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

spanish -

dude. The tide rising changes break only for a sandbar.

We used to have a break called "inches". When tide went out it was h.o.l.l.ow.

Go for reef breaks. Beachbreak is too unpredictable.

I say this. Heck I haven't hopped on a board in seven years. HOWEVER
when I DID hop on the board it was tasty six foot at monterrey peninsula. Stylin' ever since.

When (not if) I arrive I will head out to Oahu with some deserving female that might even be my wife.

At 6:55 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

It's a good thing for you I adore the taste of sushi.

At 7:40 PM, Blogger jennifer starfall said...

seafood-scented leprosy.

you could probably market that if you tried.

At 8:00 PM, Blogger tammy said...

Oh, thank god. I don't know what the hell I was reading while you were gone, but it wasn't good.

At 8:50 PM, Blogger Nance said...

two words: cocoa butter. Apply liberally to your skin and lips. It helps with the peeling. And you end up smelling like a Hershey bar.

At 4:55 AM, Blogger Rosanna said...

Welcome back! Your holiday sounds rather lovely, I have to say - and I look forward to reading about these man eating inflatable objects.

At 12:02 PM, Anonymous tom said...

So, now you will just have to be happy sitting by a friends pool drinking and ordering take out close to home...Welcome Back (-:

At 1:37 PM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

"This is in stark contrast to the rest of my life in which I am mostly drunk and completely naked."

lmfao! i can so relate to that! welcome back, mist!

At 1:38 PM, Blogger Honey said...

so glad you were not incarcerated for life and welcome back. It has been years since I peeled (I dodge sun like a woodlouse) but your post made me miss it.

At 4:17 PM, Blogger Todd said...

Welcome back!

At 6:06 PM, Anonymous The Laughorist said...

I like the smell. Welcome back.

At 7:07 PM, Blogger Turnbaby said...

"tanorexics" --GREAT fucking term!!!

At 6:21 AM, Blogger Amber Dalton said...

MIST!!! We missed you so much. I loved the "drunk and completely naked" bit. That is SO like you. :D

See you soon.


At 8:25 AM, Blogger Echomouse said...

I so missed you!! No laughter, no was hell.

Glad you had a great vacation though :)

At 10:36 AM, Blogger CondoBlogger said...

Welcome back!

At 5:45 PM, Blogger K said...

yeah yeah, heiffer. don't be leaving us again, or else.

i haven't figure out what yet. leave me alone.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

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