To Do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss: Just Gimme the Damn Cake

My appetite has been voracious.

Generally, a meal looks something like this:

1. Popsicle
2. Cigarette
3. Water

Last night, I needed a cake. Not a slice of cake. A cake.

I went to the bakery at my local grocery store. The problem with buying a cake in the middle of the night is that everyone knows that you are going to go home and eat the entire cake yourself. I had to throw the Bakery Lady off. I am pretty clever sometimes.

Mist 1: I'd like to order a sheet cake, please. Marble. No purple frosting.*
*Purple frosting tastes like cancer.

Bakery Lady: (Adjusting hairnet) What would you like it to say?

Mist 1: Happy birthday Christopher.**
**It was the longest name I could think of. Eleven letters. That's a lot of frosting. Not Chris. C-H-R-I-S-T-O-P-H-E-R.

Bakery Lady: (Motions toward book on counter) Do you want a theme cake?

Mist 1: It's. Not. For. Me. It's for Christopher. And yes, he'd like an Incredible Hulk cake.

Bakery Lady: Ma'am, that cake has purple frosting. See, his pants are...

Mist 1: (Getting nervous) F*ck the theme. Just a sheet cake. Nothing fancy. No purple frosting.

Bakery Lady: (Raising eyebrows) Okay...

Mist 1: I gotta pick up some balloons and sh*t. I'll be back in 30 minutes.

I sat in my living room, licking frosting off my fingers all night. Tomorrow, I will suck the helium out of the balloons.

Mist 1

21 Comments:

At 4:57 AM, mist1 said...: nerd,

Great minds think alike. Caller ID is a pain in my *ss.
At 6:34 AM, Mr. G said...: Mist -

Now I want cake...no...cookies - yup dozens of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and a gallon of chocolate milk.

FYI - you can make the prank calls from your cell phone - you can turn off the outgoing caller id information.
At 8:11 AM, mist1 said...: mr. g,

Cookies sound good. No milk. Ever. That's for calves.

I will be keeping my cell phone out of this thank you very much.
At 8:21 AM, Wendy aka Cheeky said...: If you want some numbers to call - I have a few from telemarketers that I got yesterday.....
At 10:43 AM, mist1 said...: cheeky,

Funny. Please email list in preferred calling order.
At 2:05 PM, Mia said...: Lol...too funny. Sheesh why do we always need to feel we have to justify our lil indulgences?
At 6:06 PM, mist1 said...: mindless,

You are a romantic.

Thanks for the add.

miranda,

I'm not sure that an entire sheet cake counts as a little indulgence. Strangely, I feel better.

anastasia,

I love whipped cream frosting. The other stuff tastes like Crisco. Not that I've tried Crisco...
At 8:48 PM, AnonymousBlogger said...: Good idea with the ballons line. That would throw her off.
Perhaps the most satisfying part of any cake is licking the frosting off something. Whether it be fingers, or the bottom of that cardboard thing they come on.

Or maybe that's just me.
At 10:12 PM, mist1 said...: anon,

Had to read that one twice. It was that whole licking the frosting off the bottom part that threw me off.
At 1:06 PM, SabilaK said...: Mist: you are awesome.
All should hail you.
The end.
At 1:17 PM, Darlene said...: LOL - I think I find this so funny because I've been there. You know, I'm not an insane lover of cheesecake, but I craved one, years back - Like you, not a piece but a whole cheesecake..(it was during the OJ Simpson trial and I was glued to the TV)..>Anyway, a few bites lead to the whole thing. The next morning the bathroom became my home for 3 1/2 days.
At 2:55 PM, mist1 said...: sabilak,

You are so wise. Is anyone listening to sabilak?

darlene,

Mmmmm, cheesecake...mango cheesecake. Gawd, how can I even think of cake at a time like this?
At 3:18 PM, Nihilistic said...: White frosting tastes like toilet that has been filled with 7-Up! Therefore I secretly crave it!

Chocolate is the only way to go!
At 9:04 PM, mist1 said...: nihilistic,

So what you're saying is...the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice...right?

Cool.
At 10:30 PM, Nihilistic said...: That is exactly what I was saying! Nice to know someone gets me!
At 6:23 AM, Irish Church Lady :) said...: Hmmmm, now I'm wanting me a big slice of that sheet cake. The corner please, ya the one with the big hulks big biceps sticking up. I heart frosting (I think others do too they just say they don't). I'm not too proud to beg.
At 9:14 AM, mist1 said...: nihilistic,

I am very intuitive. It's a curse, not a gift.

icl,

That is exactly why I like you so much.
At 8:35 PM, Echomouse said...: LOLOL I need you to come live with me for a while and teach me how to enjoy life more. That was too priceless!!
At 4:10 PM, mist1 said...: echo,

When can I move in? I could use a change of scenery.
At 2:29 AM, Anonymous said...: When I was just out of college, I ate a pint of ice cream a day. I would buy it on my break and then sit behind the counter in the women's clothing store where I worked while I calmly worked my way through the entire thing. Every customer in the store would stare at me in shock in disgust. (I weighed about 108 pounds.)
At 11:09 AM, mist1 said...: veronica,

You are lucky those women didn't jump over the counter and attack you.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Just Gimme the Damn Cake

21 Comments: