Someone wants me dead.
I am sure that a Voodoo priestess has been paid to do the job. Maybe not a very talented Voodoo priestess, as I am still alive. But certainly someone that has taken a few classes and has enough power to make some really traumatic sh*t happen.
In the last 36 hours, I have had three near-death experiences:
1. Pot of "Seafood."
I lived, but it was close. I am recovered and I am svelte.
2. The man driving the white Ford F-150.
It is all I can do to not make the offending driver's tag public knowledge and encourage people to find him and do him bodily harm. He cut me off, only to stop abruptly in front of me a block later. Driving 70-80 mph (as I usually do), I try to pass him on the right (as I usually do). The passenger door opens and out jumps a child. Luckily the front end of my car sustained only minimal damage.
He sped off again and as he did, a lawn chair flew out of the bed of the truck. It narrowly missed me. I took a detour, probably saving my life.
3. Black Widow spider.
A phone book was delivered to my front door a week ago. Not the helpful kind of phone book. It was one of those little Community Guides. The kind of phone book that never has the number of the pizza place that I like. I was feeling so good about my renewed lease on life that I picked up the phone book to bring it inside. I grabbed the yellow plastic bag, when I got to the kitchen and noticed something swinging from the bag.
A Black Widow spider.
I am afraid of ordinary spiders. This was not an ordinary spider. This one could kill me. That's why it has a creepy name. The red hour glass image is burned in my memory. It was terrifying.
I dropped the spider and phone book in my sink. Anything that lands in my kitchen sink dies on contact (409 means nothing to me). It's legs curled up and it was still.
I left. Immediately. No purse. No lip gloss. Just car keys and a cell phone. When I came home later, the spider was in a different position. I left. Immediately. No purse. No lip gloss. Just car keys and a cell phone.
Note: To the person/people who want me dead...get a new Voodoo priestess. Check her references.