Discount Voodoo
Someone wants me dead.
I am sure that a Voodoo priestess has been paid to do the job. Maybe not a very talented Voodoo priestess, as I am still alive. But certainly someone that has taken a few classes and has enough power to make some really traumatic sh*t happen.
In the last 36 hours, I have had three near-death experiences:
1. Pot of "Seafood."
I lived, but it was close. I am recovered and I am svelte.
2. The man driving the white Ford F-150.
It is all I can do to not make the offending driver's tag public knowledge and encourage people to find him and do him bodily harm. He cut me off, only to stop abruptly in front of me a block later. Driving 70-80 mph (as I usually do), I try to pass him on the right (as I usually do). The passenger door opens and out jumps a child. Luckily the front end of my car sustained only minimal damage.
He sped off again and as he did, a lawn chair flew out of the bed of the truck. It narrowly missed me. I took a detour, probably saving my life.
3. Black Widow spider.
A phone book was delivered to my front door a week ago. Not the helpful kind of phone book. It was one of those little Community Guides. The kind of phone book that never has the number of the pizza place that I like. I was feeling so good about my renewed lease on life that I picked up the phone book to bring it inside. I grabbed the yellow plastic bag, when I got to the kitchen and noticed something swinging from the bag.
A Black Widow spider.
I am afraid of ordinary spiders. This was not an ordinary spider. This one could kill me. That's why it has a creepy name. The red hour glass image is burned in my memory. It was terrifying.
I dropped the spider and phone book in my sink. Anything that lands in my kitchen sink dies on contact (409 means nothing to me). It's legs curled up and it was still.
I left. Immediately. No purse. No lip gloss. Just car keys and a cell phone. When I came home later, the spider was in a different position. I left. Immediately. No purse. No lip gloss. Just car keys and a cell phone.
Mist 1
Note: To the person/people who want me dead...get a new Voodoo priestess. Check her references.
Posted by Mist1 @ 8:15 AM
24 Comments:
Mist -
I'm so glad that you're still among us, that discount Indian Shaman I found in the local phone book must have been strong enough to keep you from extinction.
mr. g,
There was a coupon for shamans in last Sunday's paper.
Mist,
Saw that, but didn't feel right about using someone called Discount Eddie Rabbit-Foot... so instead I went with the more prestegious sounding Many Hands Make Light Work, Shaman and Housecleaning Services.
For the record...they do great work on tile floors.
mr. g,
Will need the phone number. I made a little mess at Borders.
mg & af,
How else can I explain all of my mishaps?
And how can you be so sure? Tell me what you know.
Okay, your going to be good now, you know the bad things that happens in three's thing, well that's it, you met your quota and your here to tell us about it. Hope today is good, no, I know it will be good, and it's Friday, a win win situation.
schell,
Just to be safe, I am avoiding:
1. Chinese restaurants
2. Ford F-150s
3. Spiders
For good measure, I am also avoiding:
1. Strangers
2. Explosives
3. Airports
Add "banana peels strategically dropped in front of open manholes" to your list, too.
avitable,
I always avoid bananas, and therefore banana peels.
Additions:
1. "banana peels strategically dropped in front of open manholes"
nerd,
Shopping list: brick dust.
I love The Amphibians. I cannot support wearing a dead one.
mg & af,
Understood, however I love a good sale.
As for hiding, you don't think Mist 1 is my real name, do you?
Your invincable!!! Thats it, not that the voodoo priestess was shoddy, just that its impossible to take you out. Walk tall and proud dear....your one of a kind!
meg,
That's what I thought originally. But every time I start thinking that I'm invincible, I get stupid ideas and I end up getting hurt.
um. sorry?
i mean how was i supposed to know that she was on some ms.cleo shit? i will find a bonafide voodoo priestess for you next time.
k,
Brand name voodoo, okay? None of that knock-off voodoo sh*t.
Sigh...your blog brought back such found memories of doing 80mph in a school zone and realizing those weren't speed bumps.... Such joy
dallas,
That's why the sign says, "Slow Children." They can't run that fast.
anastasia,
You and your brother nerd seem to know a little too much about voodoo.
It's a little scary.
Keep an eye on gp. They may be coming after him too. Poor little creature ... or at least let him out so he could eat the spiders. Maybe a move is in order. How fast can you move? You're not a child anymore.
icl,
Anyone that messes with my guinea pig must wanna piece of me.
I can move, but my inner child will really miss the neighborhood.
Wow, sounds like you've had a traumatic week! Hope whomever is trying to kill you doesn't hire another priestess, at least with this one you're still here. :P
Kristyn
kristyn,
Thanks for bringing me back to what really matters. I should feel thankful that whoever wants me dead is so damn cheap!
Shouldn't be too hard to track down a guy in a white Ford F-150. How many could there possibly be?
dusty,
I live in the South. I am the only person who does not drive a white Ford F-150.
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