To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Bacon Safety


I keep hearing how breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Yesterday, I thought I'd give it a try.

I am not a fan of breakfast food (unless you count mouthwash as a food). I am anti-egg. They are chicken menstrual cycles. I cannot be expected to eat that.

I bought turkey bacon and frozen orange juice.

In the morning, I stood in the kitchen in my robe and poured a cup of coffee. I am out of CoffeeMate because it is rather tasty with rum when you are in a bind. The effort of mixing three cans of water with the frozen orange juice concentrate was too much to bear. I decided to skip the juice.

I opened the package of turkey bacon and rolled up the floppy, pink slices and began popping them into my mouth. Right there, in front of the open fridge.

Never having worked with turkey bacon, I should have read the directions. Then I would have known that it is supposed to be cooked before consumption. The cooking step is critical and not to be omitted.

The pain came quickly.

Clammy, I read the preparation tips on the back of the package. I noted the cautionary statements and medical disclaimers. I called the 800 number.

"Thank you for calling the Jenni O/Butterball E. coli hotline. If you are experiencing mild cramping, please press one. Moderate to severe cramping, press two. If you are bleeding from the rectum, please continue to hold."

Anticipated wait time: 24 minutes.

Mist 1


29 Comments:

At 10:29 PM, Blogger mAn[S]o0r said...

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day! there be no doubt!

Try gettin a toast, or pop-tart (whatever it is u have there) in the morning! turkey bacon (cooked/uncooked) is definately not a breakfast thing :p

and thanks for making me think TWICE about egg now :@

 
At 11:21 PM, Blogger Vengelyne said...

Does Kevin Bacon represent bacons? I was wondering if it was a celebrity-related post.

Eggs are so not by-products of chicken menstrual cycles. Unless their cycle is once every day? Hmm...

I like yr writing style.

Btw, what's yr fascination with flossing?

 
At 11:54 PM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

LMFAO - Mist you ALWAYS get me thinking happy thoughts. Thanks for the VERY needed laugh. :P

 
At 4:17 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Are you implying Kevin Bacon is a turkey? Good call.

 
At 4:29 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

man,

Always happy to turn someone's stomach.

venge,

The pictures of bacon made me feel vomity. Kevin Bacon is easier to look at.

nerd,

Anytime.

icl,

I am so insightful.

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

Kevin Bacon is definitely easy on the eyes. ;) And turkey bacon is a good food. But then I like eggs too.

 
At 6:55 AM, Anonymous meloncutter said...

HOLY HERNIATED HORSE HOCKY BATMAN..... could it be that over green, out of date coleslaw and turkey bacon are made of the same thing? Same symtoms I had. Next time, I shall cook my coleslaw. Weird huh?

Later Yall.....

 
At 6:58 AM, Anonymous Meloncutter said...

Oh yes, I was going to inquire if it would be ok with you if I linked you on my blog. Let me know.

Later Yall.....

 
At 7:00 AM, Anonymous odat said...

Love bacon, love Kevin....
love eating bacon...medium rare!

Peace

PS..i finally put you on my link (figured out how to do it....yeah for me..duh)

Peace

 
At 7:45 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

hmmm....would Kevin Bacon be considered red or white meat I wonder, because I haven't eaten red meat in 13 years......just a thought....
So, salmonella girl, good luck with the food poisioning. Just remember, if it's coming out one end, it's sure to come out the other, so when you're sitting on the toilet, keep a bucket on your lap.

 
At 7:51 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Those are just suggestions. Raw bacon will put lots of hair on your chest. Get your Veet ready!

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

ok so you seem to lean towards the Vegan side of life - that's cool.
Anti-breakfast is ok too

*you're one of my kind of friends*

I'm a horrible grump in the morning and i don't like to eat until i've been awake for 3 hours.
I think Breaking your Fast should be on your own terms, why be forced to nauseation just to fit in to the Americano Cookie Mold?

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger Mr. G said...

Mist -

I know it's a little late, but a general tip for any bacon product (turkey, beef, pork) - if it is soft and bendable....COOK IT FIRST!!!!! Bacon is supposed to crunch....

Hope you're feeling better...and no longer on hold....

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger Dallas DYSfunction said...

Its nice that he is now only six degrees of seperation from Breakfast.

 
At 8:28 AM, Blogger Miss Britt said...

Pig bacon causes the same cramping. Even when cooked. Just FYI

 
At 8:57 AM, Blogger anastasia said...

I'm sure that if you have to hold for 24 min..you would end up bleeding from your rectum. Now, I find that a good breakfast that gets me going is coffee and a smoke. Best way to start off your morning!!!

I too think Kevin Bacon is easy on the eyes. He gets better with age.

 
At 10:18 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

That's freakin' hilarious!

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger Matt said...

I can't be trusted to operate my oven safely, speaking of cooking. Once in college... Scratch that, twice, I nearly started fires from leaving the stove or oven on. I've left in on all night at least twice within the past two years.

The kitchen is the second most dangerous room in the house.

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

karma,

I'm sure eggs are great, but the image of little chicken tampons prevents me from enjoying them.

melon,

Anyone cramping from bad food is a friend of mine today. I'll add you too.

odat,

I saw a recipe for Kevin Bacon wrapped up in bacon strips. Thanks for the add. I'll update my links.

darlene,

I think you can make an exception if you want to eat Kevin Bacon.

avitable,

Winter is coming and I sleep alone. Chest hair will keep me toasty and save me money on my gas bill.

mayren,

I was vegan for a few years. One morning, I almost blew away in a strong wind. Now steak is my favorite animal.

mr. g,

Thanks for the tip. If you can't tell, I never took Home Economics. I will remember: soft & bendy = cook it. But if it's hard...nevermind.

dallas,

I was waiting for someone to make that comment. If I had a prize, I would give it to you. How about some raw turkey bacon?

britt,

Good to know. Does Kevin Bacon cause cramping?

anastasia,

You should open a restaurant. I love the beatinik breakfast.

nwjr,

My failures in the kitchen are often amusing.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

I know that I shouldn't ask, but I am foolish like this...

What's the most dangerous room in the house?

 
At 1:13 PM, Blogger Miss Britt said...

Does Kevin Bacon cause cramping? Let's hope so.

I mean really, if it doesn't cause cramping (and a little vomitting) - what's the point? ;-)

 
At 1:14 PM, Anonymous jali said...

After reading the post, I should know NOT to read the comments - "little chicken tampons" - OMG - I can't fuckin' even breath and I'm supposed to be working.

Damn!

Hey - approve this! (smile)

 
At 3:47 PM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Gross.

But I love the blog. Can't remember how I found it. The whole 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon theory applies! Ha!

 
At 7:54 PM, Blogger C said...

24 minutes of rectal bleeding - could be worse than anal sex. I think you shall be fine.

 
At 9:25 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

britt,

Cramping and vomiting...sure signs that you're having a good time.

jali,

Well, maybe they use maxis with wings. Since they're birds and all.

wandering,

OMG, that is so freaky.

Thanks for coming by.

c,

In that case, I'll be okay.

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Your posts are hilarious! I'm here by way of Jali's great blog, and I'll be checking in often.

You might try one of those little chicken tampons while you're waiting on the hotline queue. I hear they're great for rectal bleeding from salmonella-laced raw food.

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

The FDA hasn't approved chicken tampons for human use.

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

LOL. That's so very good to know. I'm sure glad we cleared that up. And so are all those chickens out there whose intimate apparel keeps getting filched.

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

Anytime. I'm pretty informed like that. Also, I make stuff up.

 

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