To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Miss Piggy

I live with a rodent. A large, geriatric, albino guinea pig. By choice.

I rescued Wiggy from a nature center and she has been crapping all over my house ever since. She's pretty dependable. She eats. She drinks. She craps. She makes guinea pig noises.

Recently, I've noticed that she's been a little weird. It's hard to tell when a rodent's behavior is odd. Chewing on the cage is normal. Tossing her food dish around when it's empty is also normal. Standing on her hind legs and shrieking at me is disturbing, but normal.

Lately, she's been turning over her purple igloo. Every time I pass by her cage, the igloo is on it's side. Wiggy loves the purple igloo. I tried taking it out and she shrieked at me. I put it back in and she turned it over.

I decided to observe her last night while I was putting in her $90 eyedrops (I don't know how the f*ck the vet can tell that an albino guinea pig has an eye infection. Her eyes are always red.). I noticed that her nails are too long.

Wiggy hates getting her nails clipped. Almost as much as I hate doing it. Luckily, I have developed a technique. The key is to scare the crap out of her.

  • I pick her up suddenly and lift her high into the air.
  • Quickly flip her onto her back.
  • Clip one nail.
  • Wiggy screams.
  • I scream.
  • Wiggy scrambles to turn over.
  • I throw Wiggy from my lap.
  • I apologize.
  • Wiggy runs under the couch to chew on electrical cords.
  • I get the carrots out of the fridge.
Now I have a geriatric albino rodent on the loose and a trail of carrots from the couch to the cage.

Mist 1


At 8:31 PM, Blogger C said...

I think your technique is flawed.

At 8:51 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

If she's albino, I just hope you don't have white carpet, drapes and white couches. That could cause a dilemma.

At 10:18 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

Guinea pigs intimidate me...I am one of those people who startle very easy. And everytime I have gone to pet a guinea pig, it will do this "WTF WAS THAT - RUN!!!!!" jump and run move and it always startles me into a quick recoil. Now I just look at them through glass and avoid eye contact.

At 2:33 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

That's the reason I limited my children to just having a dog. Yep the way you write about being a guinea pig owner really shows me all fun I'm missing. NOT Have a great holiday weekend Mist. :)

At 5:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Thanks for breaking to me gently.


My affinity for red wine is the primary reason nothing in my home is white.


Guinea pigs also startle very easily. You have much in common with a guinea pig.


I am still waiting to discover the beauties of pet ownership. Besides the crapping all over my house part.

At 5:11 AM, Blogger LoRi~fLoWer said...

You doomed her from the start when you named her Wiggy.

At 7:36 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Couldn't you just file the nails and you know while you are there give her/him/it a little guinea pig mani/pedi???

At 7:38 AM, Blogger jali said...

Fun with albino rodents. Great.

At 8:56 AM, Blogger Miss Britt said...

Do they make restraints for geriatric albino rodents? That may be more effective.

At 9:01 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Her name is Wiggins. However, that seemed so formal. Now I just call her Wiggy.


She would love a mani/pedi. I suppose she'd want a facial too.


It's tons of fun. Wanna come over?


Rodent restraints? You are one freaky girl. Cool.

At 9:02 AM, Blogger Odat said...

Maybe she needs a rocking chair instead of the igloo...

At 9:03 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I think they're having a Labor Day sale at Rodent Rooms To Go. I'll check it out.

At 12:13 PM, Blogger Ellie said...

I loved my guinea...her name was ginners. She too stood up and squealed at me. She never got loose though.

Give her some oj in her water..she'll feel better!

At 12:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I put vodka in her oj. That always makes me feel better.

At 3:42 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

Awwwwww Mist, you have a soft spot. That story just tugged at my heart strings. Such patience, such love, such dedication..... that is a lucky guniea pig.

At 3:42 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

Awwwwww Mist, you have a soft spot. That story just tugged at my heart strings. Such patience, such love, such dedication..... that is a lucky guniea pig.

At 5:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Shhhhh. Don't let people know that I'm sensitive. It'll ruin my rep.

At 6:24 PM, Anonymous the Laughorist said...

I really like the way your blog is organized. Cool headings. Refreshing takes. Great post on the guinea pig -- shouldn't it be Miss Wiggy? Never mind WYSIWYG. Wiggy you save is what you've got.

At 5:25 AM, Anonymous meloncutter said...

I had a guinea pig once. Named him Hoiman. Question; Do little albina guinea pigs leave little albino poopies?

Great Post. I will be back to read more.

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Later Yall...

At 8:40 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

O poor wiggy. He's stressed. He hates the once a year nail clipping month. It must take about that long to do I guesstimate.

Batgirl has a chinchilla that has a green igloo. Pepper chews on it. I think he's flipped it once or twice. He also startles.

Think we should send Wiggy and Pepper on a date? Since they're two different species but both males, would that qualify as a gay date or transgendered date or transexual date or just opposites attract date? Oh the possibilities. You can answer that if you want, but it doesn't matter, Peppers already on the bus. Sure hope I got the right postal code. He's got a pink and black knapsack. Can't miss him when he gets off the bus. I hope they have a good time!

At 11:32 AM, Blogger Steven Novak said...

mmmmmm....electric cords....


At 8:40 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Your technique is sound, but the execution needs work.

At 8:45 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I am intimidated by your professional sounding name. Do you laugh for a living? Did you go to Harvard to learn what's really funny? Sh*t, now I have to be really funny.

Thanks for coming by.


Poopies are poopy colored. I can verify if you don't believe me, please provide mailing address.

Thanks for coming by.


This post was for you. I know how you love Wiggy so. We are going to have the most adorable little grand Chinea Pigs ever.

At 8:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


You are my kind of guy. I have always wanted to meet someone who feels so strongly about electic cords.

Thanks for coming by.


Execution?! I'm calling PETA!

At 11:49 AM, Blogger fin said...

Maybe it's the name that's wigging the piggy out.....

At 7:38 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


The only other thing I could think of was Albert Einstein. She does a really good impersonation of the guy.

Thanks for coming by.

At 7:47 PM, Blogger SabilaK said...

Maybe get a male guinea pig to seduce her out of hiding? It works on the soaps. Or am I just confused?

At 10:10 PM, Blogger Dallas DYSfunction said...

I will take any bridge burning advice you have. Your Guinnea pig sounds a lot like my last date. I need therapy. Can I borrow your therapist?

At 7:41 AM, Blogger Some Random Girl said...

My bunny "Bun Buns" doesnt like his nails cute either. with his powerful back legs I have a hard time keeping him still. what a pain. btw., I linked you because you are so damn funny!

At 2:29 PM, Blogger David said...

If my igloo was purple, I'd want to turn it over.

At 4:52 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


My advice is rarely free (read: get me drunk and I'll talk).

Your last date was an albino? Not sure how I feel about that.

Keep your mitts off my therapist.

At 4:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Gosh, what if you owned a kangaroo?


What color is your igloo?

At 7:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My kitten hides when I click her nails.

At 7:38 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I bet your kitten could find Wiggy and flush her out from under the couch. Will pay for services rendered.

Thanks for coming by.

At 7:42 AM, Anonymous KristynMarie said...

Hmm...maybe your guinea pig is related to my cat?


At 8:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Wiggy is offended at the suggestion that she has felines in her family.

At 4:46 AM, Anonymous Twila said...

I <3 Guinea Pigs...They are not rodents, however...:) Try wrapping him in a dish towel and pulling his little pig feet out one at a time...Or just take her somewhere...I am in the middle of a binging of your blog. Cuz that's how I roll. I am laughing my ass off. Hopefully I don't feel the need to vomit after this binge. :)

At 9:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Sometimes, I vomit after I read what I've written too. Or, it might be the wine.

Thanks for coming by.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

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