To Do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss: TeleNurse

Mist: You know those tri-color noodles?

Nurse Connie: Huh?

Mist: Like in pasta salad...

Nurse Connie: Um, I think so...

Mist: The curly ones...

Nurse Connie: Yeah. What about 'em?

Mist: That's what I'm coughing up.

That's how I described my symptoms to Nurse Connie, the dial-a-nurse when I called the 800 number conveniently provided on my insurance card. Connie, who is a Registered Nurse, tells me that she cannot diagnose any illness over the phone. I ask her if she can make an exception just this once. She cannot. I want to ask her what the f*ck she thought I called for. Of course, I want to her to diagnose my illness. I am not getting off the couch unless I need medication (or more alcohol/cough syrup).

Instead, Connie asks me a few questions to assess the situation. Fever? Yes. Moderate or severe trouble breathing? Yes. At this point Connie tells me that I have to go to the ER. I feel tricked. I'm not that sick. But she didn't give me "mild" as an option. Connie is making me stumble over my own symptoms. Suddenly, I hate Connie.

I get off the phone.

TheraFlu. Nap. Wine. Oprah. Nap. Tyra. Nap. TheraFlu. Phil. Nap. Wine. Nap.

Then in a moment of weakness, I ordered the Package Shark (comes with Power Scissors, $14.99). I wonder how I'll open the package.

Mist 1

32 Comments:

At 8:50 PM, saurabh said...: This is a blog I could quickly grow fond of.
At 9:38 PM, mist1 said...: saurabh,

I am fond of it too. I am also fond of the word fond.

Thanks for coming by.
At 10:51 PM, Anonymous said...: Mist,
You still aren't feeling well? Maybe there will be an infomercial for a cure all pill. I'd take one just to see what the side effects would be. Hang in there!
At 11:18 PM, Nihilistic said...: Fond is a good word! I'm not as fond of "fond" as I am "wiggle". How can you not have fun when you say "wiggle"? And its fun to have fun!
At 12:16 AM, mist1 said...: michael,

The side effects can't be any worse than my current symptoms.

nihilistic,

The phrase "wiggle room" always makes me uncomfortable.
At 4:39 AM, Irish Church Lady :) said...: Have I hugged Mist today? You bet I did. Germs and all!

Get well soon!

ICL
At 5:01 AM, mist1 said...: icl,

You are brave. I haven't touched myself in days (setting all new personal record).
At 5:09 AM, Darlene said...: hmmm...is this still the mystery plague you had last week? That sucks. You know, I called one of those "dial-a-nurse" years ago - I think it's programmed for them to say that you have to go to emergency. It's not like she could assess your tri-colored vomit over the phone. Take care of yourself, and stay away from daytime talk shows - maybe that's what's making you sick... ;o)
At 5:21 AM, Kare said...: Holy. Everyone's sick.
Hope you feel better soon. Enjoy Dr. Phil.
At 5:38 AM, mist1 said...: darlene,

It's coming from my lungs. I prefer potato salad to pasta salad.

karen,

Everyone? I thought I was special. Tyra's almost on.
At 6:26 AM, winterssoulstyce said...: um. how about you get to the er.
At 7:06 AM, mist1 said...: k,

This is Paid Time Off. I am not going to waste it in the ER. I am going to waste it watching daytime TV.
At 8:12 AM, Schell said...: Did you see those two old bags on Dr. Phil yesterday, they should of just put them in a room together and let em go at it.
At 8:26 AM, Mayren said...: *boycotts the ER with Huge Picket signs for Mist*

You enjoy that well earned PTO.

Please rest comfortably though.
And could ya update me on what Sonny Corinthos and those Quartermaine's are doing on General Hospital?

*hug*
At 8:31 AM, The Stiltwalker said...: I remember the time I got electrocuted and I called one of those dial a nurse things on the back of my insurance card. Basically they told me to go to the ER ASAP. Duh, that shit is pointless.
At 8:55 AM, Wendy aka Cheeky said...: Ohhh sorry to hear that you are still feeling puny.......

Dial a nurse sucks - what a waste of $$
At 9:49 AM, mist1 said...: schell,

I only remember the woman complained about her MIL doing her laundry. She wants to do it herself. I emailed Phil to see if one of them could come to my house and wash my clothes.

mayren,

X in a coma and pregnant with Y's baby. Y has amnesia. Nothing new.

stilt,

I bet you'll never use you hairdryer in the shower again.

cheeky,

I might feel better if I had a spa service.
At 10:44 AM, jali said...: The art of Drug...nap...TV show requires that the television remain on one channel for the day. The effort of finding the remote and making a real decision about what to watch could blow the high the Theraflu/wine/tylenol PM combo produced. The point of the exercise is to stay as high as possible while doing as little as possible.

The directions on the bottle does say if you cough up tri-colored pasta you really need to go to the ER.
At 10:49 AM, Lola Starr said...: I just stumbled across your blog and it is quite amusing. I'm also curious as to how well the package opener will work. :)
At 10:50 AM, Dallas DYSfunction said...: I love my dial a nurse.... butthen again I just call her because I'm lonely.
At 12:17 PM, mist1 said...: jali,

Sometimes, I throw a little Alka-Seltzer Plus Night-Time Cold in there. I like the lemony effervescing goodness!

karma,

I'll let you know. I'm not as excited for the Power Scissors.

Thanks for coming by.

dallas,

Do you fake illness to call her?
At 2:59 PM, mist1 said...: lbb,

I love Shower Fizzers. Caution: they get really freaking hot. Do not try to scoot them over with your big toe.
At 4:15 PM, Anonymous said...: I think when you call Dial-A-Nurse, you are actually calling information. All the ladies taking their smoke breaks are handling the "sick" calls. I know this and you cannot convince me otherwise.
At 8:15 PM, Parlancheq said...: Anything more serious than a paper cut, all the dial-a-nurses can say is go to the ER. Otherwise they'd probably end up with a bunch of lawsuits on their hands.

Feel better!
At 4:20 AM, mist1 said...: laurzeilei,

I should have asked about movie times.
At 5:15 AM, mist1 said...: parlancheq,

I promise not to sue...

Thanks for coming by.
At 7:46 AM, Anonymous said...: If I were Nurse Connie, and I had heard you say you were coughing up noodles, I'd have told you to go to the ER too... then I might have called a a reporter or perhaps a tabloid to report your weird symptoms. :P

Hope you feel better!

Kristyn
At 8:56 AM, mist1 said...: kristyn,

I have always wanted to be in a tabloid.
At 10:38 AM, M@ said...: Last time I was sick I should have really have gone to the ER, not for the illness but for the cures: WAY too much cough syrup and alcohol.

Always make sure to get the kind w/o acetominophan (sic), just the Tussin kind. You forget you were even sick in the first place and just enjoy the ride....
At 10:48 AM, mist1 said...: matt,

I think I went to school with a kid named Tussin.
At 5:37 AM, mist1 said...: nerd,

Now you tell me.
At 5:08 AM, mist1 said...: man,

I find that wine is a great substitute for a lot of things.

Thanks for coming by.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

TeleNurse

32 Comments: