I'm Snotty
I will track down the person responsible for giving me this cold and when I find them, they will be severely punished.
The CDC should have a special forces unit to help me hunt down the carrier of this virus. There should be a cold/flu court with a quarantined jury. After proving guilt, the sentencing should not only include compensation for lost wages and reimbursement for money spent on OTC remedies, but the guilty party should have to listen to me whine and fetch stuff for me until I am well again. I wanted to call the CDC to inquire about such a service, but I was too weak to dial the number.
I spent yesterday moaning and sniffling on the couch. I am out of Theraflu so I had to drink wine instead. Then the chills set in. I dragged my sneezing *ss to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. The lights were out and the blinds were closed. I crashed into the wall, hitting only my left hip and. Even in sickness, I am precise. I put the kettle on and filled the tea ball (I am too sick to think of any clever comments about tea balls or teabagging). Three minutes later, I sat down with a cup of parsley tea. Apparently, I cannot make tea in the dark. Also, I need a labeler.
My phone rings incessantly during the day. I am not sure what I said to the telemarketers but I think my new carpet and satellite dish will be installed tomorrow. I hope that does not conflict with the dates of the cruise that I won. I feel fortunate that I consolidated all my credit cards, so that I can afford all of these luxuries.
I took the opportunity to do a breast exam while I was lying naked in misery on the couch. I found a lump. In a panic, I consulted a friend. He was happy to help. He assessed the situation, "That's your rib, Mist. You're going to live."
I want a second opinion.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:00 AM
28 Comments:
So the CDC won't help you see when you make tea Or help you buy the OTC...
You will have caught that snotty cold from one of those nasty telemarketeers. STOP TALKING TO THEM. Tell em to 'hang on a minute' and leave your phone off the hook for half an hour.
Let me know when you're nose stops dripping and I'll check your lumps out.
and maybe a third and fourth!
Hope you feel better.
Ribs are good.
nihilistic,
I am heavily medicated and cannot follow all of the abbreviations in your comment. OK?
gambo,
Damn telemarketers. But I love it when I'm pre-approved. Thanks for your offer to help.
lori,
I only have two boobs. What are the 3rd and 4th opinion for?
david,
How can you think of food when I am this sick?
Thanks for coming by.
I think you are taking this ailment and using it to your advantage to get felt up.
Hope you feel better. When I'm that sick I tend to mumble and say things that end up with family and friends angry with me. It's like some nightmarish family reunion on robitussen.
Hopefully you didn't agree to a new extermination service when they came knocking on your door.
We really should stop that long distance make out sessions. Kiss kiss
Forget the wine. You need whisky.
I think you just gave it to me!!! OMG..I'm giving your blog address to the CDC right now as I type....
Achooooooo....
c,
Gives a whole new meaning to "feel better soon," doesn't it?
nerd,
I think it is the bird flu. I just crapped on my windshield.
michael,
Mmmmm, Robistussen.
dallas,
If the CDC comes knocking at your door, you'll know why.
alison,
Are you a doctor?
britt,
I feel like a dehydrator.
odat,
Don't blame me, blame Dallas.
OK parsley tea isn't gonna help that cold but a big steaming hot toddy will - or get you drunk enough not to care and you will then realize that lump you felt was actually a boob.....
Only two boobs? Well then perhaps your body is not as freakish as you've been leading us to believe.
cheeky,
Then I'm concerned about my ribs.
lori,
Yes, I've been leading everyone on. even my online midget lover.
Don't you remember? You gave away the cruise to that carpet cleaning guy when he swung by yesterday.
Me thinks someone should lay off the wine for awhile.:)
janet,
You know Alison suggested whiskey. Maybe you both are right. Time to switch.
Thanks for coming by.
mist1: Maybe you caught the plague from the crazy crotch scratching guy at the library - or maybe it was from that "mystery stain" you discovered in the book.
darlene,
Just when I thought I was recovering...
"I want a second opinion."
I'll be right over.
kuri,
I thought you'd never offer.
Go here to get on the do not call list for the telemarketers
https://www.donotcall.gov/default.aspx
drink some of wiggy's oj & water & you will feel better soon!
or just sniff a magic marker get high and pass out....hey don't judge it works for me!
ellie,
All good advice, except for that marker part. I am afraid that I'd stain up my lovely new couch...or make a mark under my lovely new nose.
Feel better sooner.
And lean a little closer so I can give you that second opinion.
Aw Misty....sorry to hear you're not feeling well. 'course you know I would have been by earlier had I known. (NOT) Sorry, I've been too busy so I'm catchin' up on blogs now. Course it takes me a while to read yours because:
(1) each post is freakin' long
(2) I usually laugh so hard sometimes snot comes out my nose - hey maybe I'm getting your cold DRAGNET!
(3) then I have to read all the other comments and your responses to such comments which usually causes me to pee my pants
(4) bed linens now in the washing machine, bed remade (yes I usually blog from bed, TG I'm naked, less to wash, NERD taught me this - rest of you can conjure up mental image now unless it's TMI for you)
(5) then I have to write my lame or long ass comment
(6) consequently I can't always read your blog during the week because if I try to it might take me too long and I'd miss the bus (even though I don't take the bus) or I might have an unfortunate accident in not such a forgiving place as me own bed. Maybe I should start wearing diapers. Kind ruins the blogging naked look tho.
Now go drink your parsley tea while I go check on your Wiggy post next (I'm so excited!) Hmmmmm, better go to the loo first. Too much coffee already.
Get well soon! :)
tvs,
Should I turn my head and cough?
icl,
Well...who's wordy now?
I did a breast self exam yesterday! Wow. must be in the air.
An hour ago I stopped at an ATM and the Crappy Old Man next to me was smoking a cheap stogie (which should only be used w/ a good dose of marijuana).... Gave me a headache and he made sure to puff on it a few times to get a good cloud going, the clutz. I'd like to beat him over the head w/ a stroke.
srg,
How do you do a breast exam in the air? You are talented.
matt,
I'm Snotty. The Old Man is Crappy. Where are Sneezy, Dopey, Sleazy and Doc?
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