I will track down the person responsible for giving me this cold and when I find them, they will be severely punished.
The CDC should have a special forces unit to help me hunt down the carrier of this virus. There should be a cold/flu court with a quarantined jury. After proving guilt, the sentencing should not only include compensation for lost wages and reimbursement for money spent on OTC remedies, but the guilty party should have to listen to me whine and fetch stuff for me until I am well again. I wanted to call the CDC to inquire about such a service, but I was too weak to dial the number.
I spent yesterday moaning and sniffling on the couch. I am out of Theraflu so I had to drink wine instead. Then the chills set in. I dragged my sneezing *ss to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. The lights were out and the blinds were closed. I crashed into the wall, hitting only my left hip and. Even in sickness, I am precise. I put the kettle on and filled the tea ball (I am too sick to think of any clever comments about tea balls or teabagging). Three minutes later, I sat down with a cup of parsley tea. Apparently, I cannot make tea in the dark. Also, I need a labeler.
My phone rings incessantly during the day. I am not sure what I said to the telemarketers but I think my new carpet and satellite dish will be installed tomorrow. I hope that does not conflict with the dates of the cruise that I won. I feel fortunate that I consolidated all my credit cards, so that I can afford all of these luxuries.
I took the opportunity to do a breast exam while I was lying naked in misery on the couch. I found a lump. In a panic, I consulted a friend. He was happy to help. He assessed the situation, "That's your rib, Mist. You're going to live."
I want a second opinion.