Boa and Heels
I want a new pet.I'm not responsible enough for a dog. Dog's expectations are too high. I need something that doesn't really give a sh*t about me, and yet something that is somewhat dependant on me. Something that I don't have to feed all that often.
I need a snake.
It's not that I don't love Wiggy, the guinea pig. It's just that...well, she's a rodent. And she bugs the crap out of me.
A snake could help me get out of this whole guinea pig ownership problem. Plus, I wouldn't have to worry about the first month's food.
I went to the pet store today to find the perfect pet for me. Fish are too complicated. I can't have a pet that requires pH strips. That's like science. I like science, but it usually ends up working against me (i.e. gravity). Birds are too nervous. Birds always seem to be on the edge of some kind of emotional break down. Plus, if one got out, I'd have to smash it on the wall with a fly swatter. I don't want to have to clean up all those feathers. Rodents are out of the question. I am over living with vermin. Lizards carry salmonela and eat crickets. Turtles smell badly. But a snake...a snake is the perfect accessory for me.
I asked to hold the cutest baby boa constrictor that I have ever laid eyes on. It wrapped itself around my wrist like a living snakeskin bracelet. It looked really good with my shoes. Also, it was on sale.
The pet store guy (Neil), answered all my questions.
- Yes, it does look good with your shoes.
- I think it likes your body heat, but I suppose it could also like you.
- We recommend frozen food. It's convenient and economical.
- No, I don't think it's a good idea to introduce it to your guinea pig.
- Well in that case, I guess it is a good idea to introduce it to your guinea pig.
- Probably about eight feet. No more than 100 pounds.
I can't get a snake.
Next to a snake, I would look fat.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 7:04 PM
33 Comments:
Worm farm??
Yeah, maybe a snake would be too much agro. How about a little pet worm? If it breeds you can donate the extras to Science - I understand they're really good for treatment of allergic conditions such as asthma and inflammatory bowel disease.
nihilistic & gambo,
Do you both work for the U.S. Department of Worm Farming?
I already have a tapeworm, does that count?
Let's see...a low maintainence pet that won't smell and is easy to handle....hmmmm....I know just the thing!!! Everyone I know had one as a kid, maybe you did too, and from what I remember they fit the requirements perfectly....you need a Pet Rock!!!
They don't get very big...they don't smell....they don't eat alot and you don't have to walk them or change litter boxes....they're the perfect pet for you Mist!!!
I would recommend that you adopt a child from Ethiopia instead. No muss, no fuss.
(and it's "dependent" and "salmonetta" - your otherwise brilliant prose is slipping today)
mr. g,
I smoked my pet rock.
avitable,
Salmonetta is a girl I went to high school with.
Snakes are cool - ok only one snake is cool - I have a friend in SC that has a snake and he would crawl on me and then lay on my neck under my hair and go to sleep....I think he likes me...think it could be love?
cheeky,
Do not be fooled. He wants to swallow your head.
Besides, given how small you are, when that snake was 8' 100 pounds it might find you tasty! Someone would come to your place looking for you and find only a fat, very happy snake.
I suggest cats. :)
Kristyn
what's all this talk on snakes?
I've always fantasized about having a pet monkey that would light my cigar and perform other menial tasks for me: retrieving my dry cleaning, going for a beer run, driving, making customer service calls, online banking, etc.
Of course he would draw a salary and I'd pay taxes on him.
In answer 2 your question I can confirm that I work for the US Dept of Worm Farming. Their HQ is in Wales and looks like a spiral of shite. I can't speak for Nihilistic but I don't believe he would step up to the plate due to his hatred of Q-tips.
You should have told Nurse Connie about the tape worm - they pass tri-color noodle like poo's.
Maybe you should get a feather boa. I hear they're pretty easy to take care of, except sometimes they shed. But they're very quiet, and they don't eat much -- just a dust mouse now and then.
kuri
I always wanted a snake. You have to get one. They are so cool.
kristyn,
I don't want to be eaten by a snake. A cat is my only other option. It's just that whole daily feeding thing.
stilt,
Maybe I should just see Snakes on a Plane.
matt,
Do you want a monkey or a midget?
britt,
Don't worry, I'm not that strange.
gambo,
Thank you for revealing your true self.
kuri,
I already have one of those. I am a well accessorized woman.
fresh,
I might just get a pair of snakeskin heels instead.
Listen, I'd like to get married to you. What are you doing this weekend?
saurabh,
I'm no trophy wife. I'm awful damn close though. Call me.
mindless,
No cottonmouths or cameltoes or other venomous snakes, okay.
Wiggy is now depressed. He's in group GP therapy. My mother didn't want me anymore and was going to feed me to a anake.
icl,
I hope Wiggy has good insurance. I can hardly afford my own therapy.
mindless,
That is what we do best.
And short.
c,
I was thinking that I might look taller since the snake will be horizontal.
*shudder* I know for a fact I couldn't handle a snake - what makes you feel like you need a pet, anyway? How about Mexican Jumping Beans? I had them as a kid, but threw them out when I found out there were little bugs in them - Retarded me assumed the beans could actually jump. But they we no maintenance whatsoever, and they were entertaining!
Mist1
Knowing you, you are probably going to be horizontal a good percentage of your life.
darlene,
I wish you hadn't told me that. I had Mexican jumping beans for dinner.
Also, you write really well for a retard.
c,
Tee hee.
There you go, eating the pets... Not good, not good at all.
How about roaches? They're quiet, they find their own food and they don't even bother you, just wander around in the dark. Apparently, they fly now too, so combine that with the size of those things so lovingly called "palmetto bugs" and you'll have free airfare for life!
very good men
darlene,
I'm feeling kinda vomity. I ate the guinea pig too.
kristy,
At my local pet store, they sell hissing roaches. Yes, hissing roaches.
belial,
You're right, perhaps that is what I should be looking for. Maybe I don't need a new pet after all.
Thanks for coming by.
nerd,
North American Federation of Temple Youth?
anastasia,
Mmmmm, shrimp.
Hey! I thought I made a comment here on Friday. Was I deleted? Sniff-sniff.
jali,
I didn't delete you. Perhaps you have not made an acceptable offering to the Blogger Gods.
I realize that you really want to get married, however, men make poor pets. They rarely match your shoes. Also, they tend to need constant attention, daily feedings, and I had mine totally pee on the futon last week.
sara,
You're so right about the shoes. I have never had a man match my shoes.
Tip: When he pees on the futon, put his nose in it.
Thanks for coming by.
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