Showers
It turns out that I'm not as good with animals as I had previously thought.I know that I am not the most nurturing person, but I am disappointed in my cat. Hissy's misbehavior is a reflection of my failures at raising decent, animal G*d fearing, contributing member of the animal kingdom. Sue, my striking, yet borderline retarded friend told me that when her dog acts up, she buys him a toy. Yesterday, after kenneling Butters all day, she bought him an $11 bear with a blue ribbon around it's neck.
"I know the pink ribbon is for breast cancer, but what's the blue ribbon for?" she asked me via text. "Darfur," I replied. "Cool, I don't support wearing real fur." I love her, because she makes me feel so smart.
Knowing that Sue spent $11 on a dog toy didn't make me feel any better. I make Sue look like the picture of financial responsibility.
Disturbed by our recent move, Hissy has decided that his litter box is no longer his preferred place to pee. Rather, he finds that the rug in front of the sliding glass door is appropriate. He waits in front of the glass for hours until the local stray approaches. They stare at each other, both of them puffed up, for twenty minute stretches before Hissy decides to pee in front of the other other cat. He runs around here, panting, with his mouth open. Unable to accept that he may have a behavioral problem, I brought him to the vet.
Several hundred dollars later, the vet has determined that Hissy is unhappy. Not a bladder infection; not poisoning from tainted pet food. He is simply disgruntled with his environment. I wanted to tell her that I am disgruntled too, but thus far I have kept up my normal toilet habits. Instead of prescribing kitty anti-depressants, she sent us home with a $50 cat pheromone air freshener. I still cannot believe that I just paid $50 for a plug-in hormone diffuser that is supposed to give my cat a sense of calm and well-being in a 650 square foot radius. I admit that I think it's working. I spent all yesterday lying in a patch of sunlight on the floor and occasionally drinking out of the toilet. Hissy, on the other paw, feels very sexy and has been carefully grooming himself in his erogenous kitty zones. This diffuser will last a month before I will need to purchase a refill. Until then, we are happy and high on hormones.
Over some potent catnip and breathing in kitty vapors, Hiss and I talked last night about where I went wrong in his kittenhood. He told me about his days on the streets. About how he never really knew his mother. About his foster home. I feel like I've done everything for him. He's wanted for nothing since I adopted him. Sure, I don't let him go outside, but there is nothing for him out there. He has all the toys that he could ever need here. I buy him sushi grade tuna and he sleeps in my bed. Those are privileges exclusive to him.
As I was defending myself, I was overcome with a feeling of guilt. If I had adopted a child, I would have had a baby shower. I would have registered at Baby Depot for a stroller and a high chair and other baby accessories. My friends would have planned all the games and gifted us with a supply of diapers and bibs and vomit rags and stuff.
When I adopted Hissy, I went to the pet store and fell in love because he would look so good with my curtains and sofa. I bought all of the cat accessories on the spot and took Hissy home. No one wants to feel like a spontaneous decision. We all want to know that someone has wanted us for a long time.
I passed the catnip to Hissy and told him that to make it up to him, tomorrow, I'll be registering at PetSmart. He shrugged, licked his a$$hole, and looked contemplative for a moment. Then he shredded the skin on my left hand.
I'm looking into boarding schools.
Mist 1
PS: Thanks to everyone who let me know my comments were off this morning.
PPS: Perry has invited me to babysit his blog, Intelligent Humor while he does a little hard time. I'll be over there today if you'd like to drop by. If not, please bake him cake with a file in it.
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:57 AM
99 Comments:
Damn you, Blogger. Why'd you block my comments this morning?
"I spent all yesterday lying in a patch of sunlight on the floor and occasionally drinking out of the toilet."
LOL! I had to read this 3 times over to make sure I read it correctly...your defenses are useless against him (Hissy)!
Make sure you send me the link to the registry. I'd like to buy your pussy a gift.
Ha I had to read it several times also .. Just to make sure that I read it right !! Too funny
i've always owned dogs and never understood cats. the whole peeing because i am mad at you thing would infuriate me. maybe i have control issues, but i am thankful my dogs pee in the yard where they are supposed to, no matter how many times we move.
if my boss' cat is stressed / angry (or if it is tuesday) it will pee in her bed, on either her or her husband. ewwwwwww. that cat would be looking for someone else to feed it. i've offered to take it for her because i am sure my german shepherd would love the treat.
hey, i checked out overheard in ny dot come and saw a post about shoes that made me giggle. i think these girls might love shoes more than you:
Girl: Fall Out Boy would fuck me for my shoes.
Friend: Yo, I would fuck you for your shoes.
Cashier: Lemme see your shoes? [Nods] I'd fuck you for your shoes.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Myshoes
He shrugged, licked his a$$hole, and looked contemplative for a moment.
Sounds like some men I've known.
My cat pisses in my bathtub which is conveniently located RIGHT NEXT TO HIS LITTER BOX. I despise cats...they are rude, arrogant and obnoxious....but they sure beat the hell out of loud, klumsy dogs.
I think I might be turning into a pet rock kind of girl.
tera,
My toilet water is filtered.
av,
That is so sweet. My pussy loves gifts.
mj,
It was calming. The water swirled about and I pressed my face against the cool seat.
hello,
A fellow blogger (littlewhiteliar) sent me a link to a tee shirt that read: Will F*ck for Shoes. I must have it.
tug,
I've never known any men that flexible.
jag,
Rocks won't keep my feet warm at night. I'm thinking about a pet heating pad.
Thanks for coming by.
I think cats are out to make us crazy. Dogs try to make you happy but cats just walk all over you and don't care what you think, as long as they get fed. Not only does our kitten poop all over the basement, even after I bought some stay off spray stuff, but she has now decided she likes to sit on the stairs and attack my feet as I go down, usually while I'm carrying something so I can't attack back unless I want to fall down the stairs.
Dude,
what with all this comment drama, it's a good thing I don't get up very early. also, I will be looking around the stores all day today for one of these Darfur Bears. sounds truly adorable.
Spasiteli.
Licking your own asshole always does put one in a Rodinesque moment.
Right now I'm wondering if self rim jobs and Auguste Rodin have ever been in the same sentence. If not, I'm a pioneer.
kara,
You have to learn how to fall. When the cat trips you, relax and just go with it.
andy,
Apparently, I don't get up early either. I didn't know my comments were off until someone told me. I just thought maybe you all hated my cat stories.
furious,
I'm pretty sure that's a first. I can't believe it happened here. I feel like I'm a part of something.
mist i really want a plug-in hormone diffuser too. i don't know why, i just want one.
smiles, bee
bee,
I bet a pharmaceutical company is working hard on that right now.
There is a 12% chance that I had something really witty to say when I finished reading your blog last night but couldn't comment. Now in the light of morning, I have no idea what it was.
I thought you banned me from commenting because I killed Jerry Falwell.
Blue ribbons are for beer.
Oh this made my day! Too funny...
Cats are God's way of saying your furniture's too nice
My cat started peeing in the house, so I kicked him outside. He doesn't have a cool name like Hissy though. I might have let him stay in if had had been named Hissy just so I could call him all day. Though Hissy is a girly name for a boy cat.
That catnip was beyond potent.
I decorated my house around my cat after I got her. She looks really good with reds and purples.
Sounds like your cat just needs to be neutered...or spayed.
And where did you get the supersized fragrance thing?! The cat litter box is smelly!!!
Do I need to wrap it?
Makes $11 for a toy look tempting.
Is it dirty of me to be thinking ahead to tomorrow, when I think/hope that you'll start licking yourself?
I have a ferret - it's like a cat with diminished mental capacity on speed. I'd be pleased if he chose to pee because he was "unhappy" - the ferret pees because he literally forgets where the litter box is. When it's 8 feet away and emitting an eye-watering odor.
Actually, when he is unhappy he bites. Ferret owners like to call it "nipping" - it sounds less like something actionable in a court of law - but it's biting. Behaviorists assure us this is just their way of communicating. Mine says a few cute things:
"I'm tired of this toy; I'll bite your ankle."
"I don't think you are giving me enough attention; I'll bite your toes."
"Your pant legs are too tight to climb all the way up; I'll bite your calf as high as I can reach."
I think I want a cat.
There's something about male cats...the pissing ourside the litter box is something they do. Its specifically territorial, usually. I wouldn't say Hissy is unhappy, per se, I'd say he's unsettled that he's lost his former territory and is pissed (pardon the pun) that he has to make sure everyone knows he lives here now.
I have two cats. Persi is an elderly borderline diabetic who drinks water all day (she hangs out in the bathtub and drinks the drippy faucet). She pees a lot, but she uses the litter. Cosmo is a five year old neutered male and was here first, and can't stand the litter she pees in. There's another box for him, which persi never uses, but he rarely pees there. Instead he pees in the damn bathtub!!!! Its his way of telling Persi "this is my house, you old stinky. I'll pee in your nap spot if I want to."
Cats...*rolls eyes*
michael,
There's a 12% chance that I would have had a witty reply to your original comment.
nolff,
Blue Ribbon beer is passe.
dazd,
The hormones are making my day.
archie,
Apparently, my screen door is too nice.
sqt,
Sometimes, I call him Hiss.
mis,
I'm not even hungover.
yvonne,
He's fixed.
matt,
There's a place up the street from my home that's pretty reasonable.
mal,
I bought it in TX. They do everything bigger there.
av,
I'm the rapper, you're the DJ.
claudia,
I wish my toys only cost $11.
maximo,
My pussy licks himself and then throws up hairballs. I feed him special food.
wave,
Is it dirty that I'm hoping the same thing?
his sin,
You can have my cat. He won't eat the ferret. I already tried to get him to eat the guinea pig.
rachel,
I have to pee now.
There is NOTHING worse than catspray - especially on my toaster.
Have you ever smelled burnt catspray? I hope you don't.
Nice post at Intelligent humor, btw.
Comments working. Dang. Just when I was about to start cleaning my room. Thanks for the heads-up about the Valtrex, btw.
I wonder if kitty depession is common? My cat poops on the rug outside her litter box, and beats up my dog. I think she knows that the dog is the favorite.
send Hissy over to me for some rehab. I have 'a way' with pets. all cats I've ever owned have been SO good. my cats have never peed or pooped on the floor as long as I've had them!
Hissy and my cat would get along great.
*mental head slap*
I wasn't paying attention was I? I just assumed (ass...you...me..) that Hissy was the name of a girl cat. Sorry if I offended Hissy. His name is very manly.
Here's a simple solution to save you money on the refill for the hormone thingymagig - move his litter tray to the rug in front of the sliding glass door. Voilà!
karmyn,
I will remember not to put my toaster on the floor.
fringes,
It's important to know what kind of drugs you're dealing with.
essa,
I hope your cat doesn't read your comment. No telling where she'll crap next.
miztris,
The fact that you used quotation marks worries me.
debbie,
I'll send him right over.
sqt,
Hiss isn't the manliest cat. Don't tell him that, okay?
akelamalu,
I'm pulling out the carpeting and filling the room with sand. It's my weekend project.
Sometimes you call him "Hiss," but never Alger?
passe? I don't speak french.
I am thankful that I spent 3.50 on a six pack everyday when I went to college. It's better than King Cobra.
I spent all my money on arches paper.
I saw a cat that was talking on TV. It wasn't a cartoon cat. It was talking about tuna sandwiches.
I understand animals too.
Don't you just love how cats walk around, acting like they "OWN" the place. Marking what they think belongs to them?!?!?!? LOL ;o)
I just loved it when my "kid" would look at me w/ that "WTF? Are you Effing kidding me?" look!
When we moved our cat did the same thing. Nothing worked and she continued to pee everywhere but the box
We had to take her to live on the "farm".
I think I would kick him until he was dead.
PETA, get off my back.
curm,
Nope. Not even Donald.
nolff,
I like tuna sandwiches.
super,
I suppose he's only copying me. If I can have sex in every room to mark a place, it's only fair that he should be able to pee where he pleases.
blitz,
Oh, neither of us is cut out for farm life. Maybe I could just live in a hotel and Hissy could keep the condo.
lee,
Not in my shoes, Lee.
Try hosing off the space outside, in case the other kitty is spraying out there, and Hissy can smell it.
The pheremone spray worked for my kitty, better than the anti-depressants. The anti-depressants just made him boring.
Also: Hissy gets sleep in your bed, but the guys get put out for the night?
dawn,
Hissy doesn't do that restrictive arm around me thing while I'm sleeping. He also doesn't ask, "Where are you going?" when I get up to pee in the middle of the night.
Hissy stays. The guys have to go home.
I find that sternly reminding my cats that the local APL only charges a dollar a pound for euthanising them makes me feel much better. Doesn't alter their behavior, but it makes me feel more in control to know that for less than 20 bucks, I can be liberated.
I would have commented sooner but when I can by this morning and I couldn't comment I immediately started crying. I went on a rollercoaster of emotions from feeling sad to lost to angry then just back to sad. I came back purely out of a desperate attempt to appologize for wearing these horrible shoes and beg you to let me comment again. I see, however, you've already forgave me and I can smile again.
(sigh of relief)
nance,
Is that why the vet suggested that I put Hissy on a diet?
susan,
Don't ever let me see those shoes again.
I simply filled the toilet bowl with cheap box-wine and inhaled deeply...
Worked for me.
My dog needs bordering school as well, if you find a good one, let me know.
My cat steals my panties and shreds them. What in the do you think is wrong with him? I just hope i dont have to buy him a $50 air freshner, because i need that money for underwear, providing mine get stolen and shreded.
I find no matter what we do we will mess them up, boarding school might be an option. Just tell him you are very rich and snobby and all rich and snobby cats must got to boarding school. I think he would totally understand or you could give him a bendryl...
plug-in hormone diffuser?
Bend over Hissy......I know just the place to plug this in!
jonas,
It wasn't Merlot was it?
silver,
I'm thinking that my mom's house is where I'm sending Hissy. Her cats are happily peeing in the basement.
misstress,
Buy cheaper panties. It's the only thing you can do.
tellin,
Benadryl is cheaper than boarding school. Nothing but the best in this home.
uncivil,
I plugged it into the wall. Maybe that's what I did wrong.
I've found that robust cabernets go best with toilet water.
I was so the first one on your blog yesterday -- but your stupid comment thingy wasn't working.
@#$%.
I'm all for boarding schools with hard to control pests.
Now if *you* start licking your a$$hole and then staring contemplatively, it may be time to turn off the pheramone machine.
And call the circus.
The last time I moved I kept peeing on the rug by the sliding door also. Maybe i have a pheremone imbalance.
we had a cat we bought cat boxes for every floor and plug in pheromones for every floor as well. But this cat liked to pee anywhere but the cat box after a move. Poor kitty got replaced for a newer model that didn't pee outside his box.
Should've saved your $50 and smoked a joint with Kitty.
You have not been by to visit? Busy?
Hope all is well.
-N
Aww...Hissy is not happy with his new environment? Wish my cats had a reason to be peeing where they're not supposed to! Our cats are GIRLS...you'd think they wouldn't be peeing where they're not supposed to!
I wonder if they're mad at me for some reason. I was having breakfast in the kitchen and one of the kitties sat on my foot. "Oh...she loves me!" I thought. Then she pissed on my foot!
Anyway, this morning I baked 3 dozen chocolate chip cookies, a raspberry torte and made a shitload of rice crispie squares. I don't know why. I don't even feel like having sweets. Well, one cake with a file in it coming your way.
I never realized that there was a cat nation out there where pissing inappropriately was an issue. I am shocked and also have a better understanding of why some people hate cats. If my cats peed in my bed or shower, I would hate them too.
I think it's the confinment. My cats are more like renters- who pay no rent. They are allowed to go outside when they wish in the mornings or when I return from work. My only rule is that they spend the night at home. Much like boyfriends, cats that are allowed to stay out all night return home with cuts and scratches. No one wins.
i enjoyed reading your post.. never fails to put a smile on my face.
i had 2 guppies, someone told me they need sunshine (yes im ..uhh naive).. i put it right by the window.. woke up from my nap and the guppies were dead...sigh..
=:O( i sure could used that plug-in-hormone about now.
jonas,
Good choice. Your toilet or mine?
curiosity,
It's hard to be first here, even when the comment thing is working.
jocelyn,
I have always wanted to run away with the circus.
killer,
In your line of work, I'm sure that you can find something to stabilize your pheromones.
pool,
Hissy better get with it.
alicia,
He's trying to cut back.
natalia,
Where have I been?
chrissy,
I'm so impressed. I don't know how to turn my new oven on.
told you,
You're right. I should charge Hissy rent. Maybe he would feel a sense of pride about where he lives then.
Thanks for coming by.
gigi,
I've never been successful with fish. Except for salmon. I can make a mean piece of salmon.
Thanks for coming by.
I could've told Hissy that if you pee all over your house, you're going to be sent to boarding school.
It happened to me twice. And nobody bought my "I'm disgruntled" arguement.
I often have a need for a plug-in hormone diffuser, too.
I sure hope Sue doesn't read your blog!
todd,
How was boarding school?
pawlie,
I think Glade should make a diffuser for people.
dawn,
Don't worry. Sue can't read. She's too pretty to trouble herself with stuff like that.
This is why I don't own a cat. They think too much, they're too smart, and they pee everywhere.
steph,
Hissy's not smart. He is good at peeing in the wrong place.
we used to have a cat. it scratched my leg and now im traumatize by the experience.
we have a recently widowed guinea pig. i wonder if you can buy those things with gpig pheromones???
This is the first post of yours that I've ever read...
Love it.
Fantastic post. Hilarious. Well done.
jos,
Come over and breathe in the pheromones. Nothing will bother you at all anymore. I promise.
Thanks for coming by.
lettuce,
It is going to take me a moment to get over the phrase "recently widowed guinea pig."
peter,
Come back next week. I'll probably have something better.
Thanks for coming by.
sank,
Thank you. I have to give credit to the $50 diffuser for my inspiration and sense of well-being.
The best part of having a recently deceased cat is that a month later I'm still finding little hidden piles of half eaten regurgitated food behind furniture. It's almost like she's still with us.
michael c,
Sometimes I leave presents like that for myself.
I'll have to try that. I love surprises, especially when they involve food.
michael,
Not all surprises are created equal.
For some reason. that statement challenges me philosophically. I knew I should have stuck to more simpler types of comments ;-)
"so soft and supple." Are we talking about blogging (because I don't get that feeling) or parts of your anatomy? Still don't feel anything with the later, but I wouldn't be as confused.
This comment has been removed by the author.
michael,
Some surprises are more surprising than others.
essa,
I just like to remind people how soft and supple I am.
This is why I don't have an animal - I'm too poor to afford vet visits.
You are literally going to blow my mind with this stuff. It's by far deeper than any fortune cookie I have ever unwrapped. I think you would be very good at talking in riddle. The idea that are there are differing levels of surprise is well, surprising to me.
a million,
I think the vet offers a sliding scale fee. You can scoop litter boxes in exchange for payment.
michael,
Yoda, I feel like.
Wise about surprise, you be.
michael,
Who wants to throw the first comment about The Force? I'm willing to let you use it (The Force, that is) first, but I think I might be beating you to the punch.
Sorry.
Looking back at our little transcript here, I need to say that at 6:41 my time this evening, I almost used it, but alas, did not. Because I was foolish in my ways, I shall let you use it (the force, that is). Will you use it?
As Yoda would say...hmmmm, difficult to see...
michael,
I am your father...
Yep, it's official - you win. I can't top that...but wait, there is another...
THE FORCE IS WITH YOU
THE FORCE IS WITH YOU
THE FORCE IS WITH YOU
FORCE
FORCE
FORCE
(sorry, couldn't help myself)
I had a clever comment, but now I don't remember what it was.
Shit. It was really good, too.
michael,
I hope the Force looks good with these shoes.
nwjr,
I have a clever comment generator. I come up with one clever comment each day and leave it on everyone's blogs. Okay, I don't do that, but it would save oodles of time.
The cat we had years ago used to poop in my bathtub after everytime that we went on vacation. He wouldn't do it in my mom's bathroom... he knew who gave him his food every day. He was a jerk.
velvet,
I would really prefer it if Hissy would pee in my shower.
mm..mmm...not gonna do it. Have...to...resist!
kiyotoe,
You have tremendous self control.
Have you tried reverse psychology? Let him go outside and meet the stray, he'll love you forever then.
Puss
puss,
You know that I trust you. I'm letting Hissy out. You'd better be right about this.
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