To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Extreme Bumper Cars

I am always looking for a hobby. I have tried lots of things in my hobby quest. I have tried knitting and yoga and convincing my friends to break up with their boyfriends so that they can spend more time with me. I still do all of those things, but not enough to qualify as a hobby. In my mind, a hobby is something that I make time to do every weekend. I think I have found that thing.

Yes, it involves beer. But it involves so much more than beer. It showcases my skills. It involves driving while doing other sh*t at the same time. I am really, really good at that.

Whirlyball is a combination of basketball and bumper cars. While I have never considered driving or basketball one of my talents, it is clear that I am a natural at whirlyball. When the attendant at the whirlyball place explained to me that the sport involved driving while doing other stuff and crashing into other drivers, I knew that I had found something special.

I may have found my perfect pastime. I can do lots of things while driving and still manage to crash into people. According to my auto insurance company, I have a knack for running into moving and non-moving objects alike while putting on mascara, talking on the phone, touching up my pedicure, searching for My Anthem of the Moment on the iPod, tweezing, keeping an eye on two tarantulas in their cages, looking under my seat for the remote to my stereo, kissing, and trying to get the b*tch in the front seat to shut up. I find that running into a city bus is an excellent way to prove a point.

I finished my beer and climbed into my car. There are no seat belts and no helmets. There is also no stereo in the bumper car. Suddenly, I wished that I had ordered another beer for the road.

After the game, I asked the attendant how They think of this stuff. "Pot," he said. "Lots of pot." This pretty much synced with my thoughts. I wonder how many hybrid versions of bumper cars and other sports They tried before stumbling across whirlyball. I imagine that the creators of whirlyball scoured college campuses for volunteers in clinical trials of all sorts of extreme bumper car sports. "Dude, there will be beer and pizza," was all they had to say. They had my interest at beer.

I bet golf and bumper cars seemed like a good idea at first and probably made it to stage two of testing before someone got knocked out. Synchronized swimming bumper cars never made it off the drawing board. Billiards and bumper cars testing ended in injury and darts and bumper cars was all fun and games until someone lost an eye. Bumper hockey, while popular in Canada has yet to take off in the States. Archery and bumper cars only works if you have a certain skill level with bows and arrows. Anything with a net is out. I have seen what happens to the human body when it is hurtled through a net. The possibilities are endless; checkers, juggling, flame swallowing, bowling, swimming, and horseshoes all seem like plausible options. I am holding out for bumper polo. It would make me feel classy.

I totally killed my opponents. I am a gracious winner and insisted only that my bar tab be covered and that I be referred to as the Holy Queen of Whirlyball when spoken to for the next 72 hours.

I plan to play again soon. But, next time, I will totally stick my tongue down the attendant's throat for an additional 14 minutes of play time.

If only bumper cars had a back seat.

Mist 1
(Queen of Whirlyball)


At 8:38 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Dear Holy Queen of Whirlyball: Oh my God!!! They managed to combine basketball with racing and wrecking?

My life up to this point has now been rendered meaningless. I must find the closest family fun whirlyball center nearest to me or so help me, I will die trying!!

At 8:50 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Where have you been all 2007? This is like the new oxygen bar thing. Wait, that didn't really take off, did it?

At 8:55 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I don't know where I've been to have missed this. I guess I need to find new friends or something.

I have wanted to try the oxygen thing too but lightheadedness doesn't agree with me. Crap, I forgot to address you as Holy Queen of Whirlyball...

At 10:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your nickname is so much better than mine.

I'm the Whorely Queen of Hairy Balls.

Wanna trade?

At 10:12 PM, Anonymous mac said...

Is there anything you won't stick your tongue down an attendant's throat for?

At 10:18 PM, Blogger Not a Cookie Cutter said...

I have never heard of whirley ball...though it does sound interesting...the only drinking/ball games(non-sexual) that I have partaken in are skee ball...where as I am deemed the
Champion of Skee Ball...

At 10:31 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

The Holy Queen of Whirlyball, My Liege, can one be stoned instead or concomitantly to drinking beer in this contest?

At 3:15 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

This beats packing eh?

At 3:18 AM, Blogger Gyuss Baaltar said...

This proves my theory that if I had breasts, I'd never pay for anything.

At 3:34 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I have led such a sheltered life...

At 3:49 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

Queen is so regal then you add whirlyball and damn I am so jealous. I've never been queen of anything.

At 4:20 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

If you found a hobby we'd have no Mist, and that would make me a sad panda :(

At 5:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That sounds awesome. Bumper polo.....would make us all feel like Pretty Woman.

At 5:04 AM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

I like to be referred to as Queen of the World. I don't claim to be holy though.

At 5:34 AM, Blogger MJ said...

And all this time I have been missing out on this kind of fun?

At 5:48 AM, Blogger Jim said...

Hey Queeen of Whirlyball Misty -- this was somewhat educational. I'll bet your mom doesn't understand whirlyball, does she?

You wouldn't like playing golf, stick to whirlyball. In golf, the winner buys drinks.
Not too bad though, as there will only be four or eight generally players.

At 5:50 AM, Anonymous andy said...


Bumper? I barely remember meeting her. or whatever.

Being such a thinker, I would've thought you would've brought out the bumper quarters.

At 5:52 AM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

I saw this cow reading a freaking romance novel while driving down the interstate. I wanted to kick her in the ovaries.

At 6:13 AM, Blogger Susan said...

I'm terrified of bumper cars. I was in one at the state fair, slammed into a wall, someone hit me from behind and my collar bone hurt for days. Wait, maybe we were in a bumper car. There was lots of beer involved though and I remember something from beh...wait..nevermind.

Sign me up.

At 6:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I am a generous soul, I will still respond to your comment despite the fact that you didn't address me properly.


It has a nice ring to it.


Surely there must be something. I just can't think of it right now.


I challenge you to a drunken skee ball tournament.


You may partake in whatever makes you a better driver.


A girl does have to have distractions.


I hardly have breasts, but you really should see my tongue move. It is something.


Do you live in that shelter under the highway?


The important thing is to be a queen in your own mind. I am fabulous in mine.


Oooh, pandas are so cute. If I was a snuggling kind of girl, I would totally snuggle a panda.


I can't believe they cut the bumper polo scene out of that movie.


I can't be Queen of the World. It's too much responsibility.


You are filled with regret, aren't you?


My dad thought whirlyball was a great idea. He thought he'd even smoke pot again for it. I hung up on him and didn't call Mom.


I must not have been thinking enough.


Where the Hell are you that cows can drive? Where I live, we eat cows.

At 6:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I love the state fair. I like corn dogs.

At 6:22 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

You've seen the way people drive in Atlanta. Bumper cars is free.

I would buy you a chilli dog.

At 6:40 AM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

o queen of whirlyball, where doest thou suggest one find such a festivity in another land? (or "how the hell do i look up whirlyball in pittsburgh coz it sounds like something i would totally enjoy?")

i prefer to be the princess. queen has waaay too much responsibility. but congrats on killing all opponents!

At 6:49 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

i have a tee shirt that says "queen of everything" if you want it mist. i share my stuff pretty good...

smiles, bee

At 7:03 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Just throw in some cranberry juice and you've got one hell of a cocktail there, Mist1.

At 7:03 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...


The things I miss by living in a small town....

At 7:20 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

"My Anthem of the Moment" - I need this for a song title, I'll give you credit and a cut of the royalties. Brittney will make this her come back song. We will be eleventy millionaires. We can buy lots of pot and dream up even better games involving hitting people with cars.

At 7:21 AM, Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

Not sure if Whirlyball has made it up here yet, but I am SO looking for bumper hockey now.
I don't know how I've been missing it. Must not have gotten the announcement delivered to my igloo that day.

At 7:28 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


No onions. Thanks.


I think you have to go to Chicago. It apparently hasn't caught on there yet.


I try not to wear tee shirts with stuff written across my little boobs. It just makes me feel bad when the message continues all the way around my back.


I've always got one hell of a cocktail. Surely, you know that about me by now.


If you build it, they will come.


Anything Brittney touches turns to gold. Just look, rehab.

p of u,

I recommend wearing a mouthguard. Or is that mandatory in Canada all the time?

At 7:32 AM, Blogger maximo said...

[eyeroll, groan.]

from the inventors of nascar.

At 7:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I have a hard time believing that the inventors of NASCAR created this game. It resembles jai lai. Jai lai and NASCAR don't mix.

At 7:41 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

On your recommendation I tried to get a game of whirly ball going in the parking lot at work this morning. Nobody else joined in and they were really mad when I ran into their cars showing them how fun it is. When the police finally dragged me from the car I tried to let them know that there was beer involved, but that didn't seem to help things.

My bail bondsman sends his regards,

At 7:50 AM, Blogger Brooklyn Frank said...

or a sidecar

At 7:51 AM, Anonymous themuttprincess said...

Beer, pizza and bumper cars!

Sign me up!

At 8:10 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

Queen of Whirlyball,
That has a nice ring to it.
Congratulations on your victory oh great one.

At 8:14 AM, Blogger Tug said...

Bumper Dodgeball? Anything involving wrecking cars on purpose is for me!

Oh mighty queen


At 8:17 AM, Blogger Stacy said...

Hail Mist, Queen of Whirlyball. I just wanted to say it.

At 8:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


The people you work with are really uptight. It's called insurance, tell them to get some.


Nothing makes me feel like making out more than a sidecar.


I think they even have nachos.


I thought Queen sounded better than Grand Imperial Master.


Oh, that's the best idea ever. I want to play bumper dodgeball.


It hasn't gotten old for me yet.

At 8:39 AM, Blogger Lee said...

As an Asian driver, I think I could take you.

At 8:39 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Do they have wine?

At 8:46 AM, Blogger Uncivil said...

Hello Ms. Mist

I fell in here from Ms.mamma and Chrissy at Life on Manitoulin.


What a blast. Thanks for laughs!

At 8:53 AM, Blogger Uncivil said...

Oh sh*t.....I've already screwed up?

I meant to address you as Your Highness "The Holy Queen of Whirlyball"

Sorry about that! Guess you'll have to hit me in the nads with a whiffle bat?

At 9:01 AM, Blogger Fab said...

Holy Queen of Whirlyball. It has a nice ring to it. What to say, when all these comments have said it all? I'd definitely like to try this new found hobby of yours. Seeing you can combine the bumpy riding wih almost any sport save syncronized swimming ...

At 9:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Ethnic whirlyball is even better.


They were serving wine, but there was no cork, so I opted for beer.


What kind of shoes does one where when sporting a whiffle bat?

Thanks for coming by.


I have a friend who was a synchronized swimmer in college. I asked her to teach me the routine. She was the one everyone stood on. She could hold her breath for a long time.

At 9:29 AM, Blogger La Cubana Gringa said...

Funny. I was sure you were the Queen of something involving balls. Just didn't think they were whirlyballs.

At 9:52 AM, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

Queen of the Whirlyball.....that actually sounds quite exciting!

At 10:04 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I'd like to hear more about the traveling tarantulas. Are they, like, your floss dispensers or something?

At 10:05 AM, Blogger Fab said...

Waw, that syncronized stuff looks tricky, you know. People don't realize. Still, I guess whirlyball is for everyone. No training needed.

At 10:07 AM, Blogger Uncivil said...

"What kind of shoes does one where when sporting a whiffle bat?"

In your case, it would be 7 inch stilettos!

At 11:12 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

You are my hero

At 11:15 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I'm great at bumper sex.

At 11:18 AM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

ok, so they have it in cleveland, but not pittsburgh? that hurts. chicago i don't mind being one up on my town, but cleveland...ugggh!

and to think i was in atlanta last week. can't believe i missed such an opportunity. sigh.

At 11:25 AM, Blogger Tera said...

I'm pretty good at multi-tasking, but now you're telling me that (coming soon to my area) I might be able to LEGALLY wreck a car, and as a "perk," balls are involved??? Add some "sticks" and count me in!!!

At 12:03 PM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Your Highness, Queen of Whirlyball,

The attendant's answer makes me wonder what other games are the product of lots of pot.

At 12:18 PM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

Drinking, driving, shooting hoops and wrecking? I'm in if they have it here.

At 12:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Thank you for acknowledging my adeptness with balls.


I feel like I should have a tiara or something.


I'm not sure it's for everyone. Clearly, I have specialized skills.


For the record, you are the first person to ever mention a whiffle bat here. When people think of me, they rarely think of whiffle bats.


I expect a parade.


I bumped my head on the headboard, does that count?


It is probably our best kept secret. Well, until now.


It is almost too good to believe, isn't it?


Laser tag, the treadmill wall climbing game ($2 for seven minutes), and Dance Dance Revolution.

At 12:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


It's a terrific mix.

At 12:26 PM, Anonymous Slick said...

You have found your calling.

Start a petition for it to be in the Olympics. I'll sign.

I did say "Special Olympics" didn't I? ;)

At 12:53 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

Is Whirlball easier than shooting a basketball when standing still and no one is bothering you? Cause I sure as hell can't do that.

At 2:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I want Gold. Those Special Olympic kids better watch out.


I can't do that either, but if you add beer and bumper cars, I am an expert.

At 3:34 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

riding in your back seat would make me a better driver.

At 4:06 PM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Mist Queen of Whirlyball - How much do you pay in insurance rates every month? Quite a lot I would guess.

You do a lot for an additional 14 minutes of play time. He must be really cute too???

You are sick Mist...I love that, but you are. I have a t-shirt that just says QUEEN on it. It's in small lettering so you may be able to read it where your boobs are??? Let me know.

At 4:27 PM, Blogger historymike said...

Whirlyball is grand fun. I played it once in the 1980s. The 1980s were a decade of decadence, but not for me. My period of decadence occurred in the 1990s.

I do have one related anecdote about Whirlyball. One of my coworkers once convinced standup comedian Emo Phillips to join him in Whirlyball after a gig at a comedy club outside of Detroit.

I don't do the story justice here, in the genre of blog comments, but for those who know Emo's schtick, you know how incredibly funny that night must have been.

Oh, and there was LSD involved, too. So it was a funny and weird night, but not for me. My friend had the weird night. I was probably watching Moonlighting or some equally lame 1980s TV show that night.

And if Mist gets to be Queen of Whirlyball, I should at least be Smelly, Groveling, Noisome Peasant of Whirlyball.

At 4:30 PM, Blogger ~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I'm also very good at crashing into things. And I like basketball...where do I sign up?

At 5:13 PM, Blogger Nance said...

The most I do while driving is take off my bra. Then I wave it out the window.

At 5:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm not insured to risk other people's lives. Just my own.


I don't generally like them cute.


Why is your title longer than mine? I am the Queen.


I want you on my team. Let's not wear matching uniforms, okay?


Do you shout "Wooooo Hooooo!"?

At 7:17 PM, Blogger EE said...

Can you talk on the cell phone during the game?? If so, I'm in!!

At 8:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


You can do anything you want. That's the beauty of whirlyball.

At 8:13 PM, Blogger maximo said...

oh but they do mix, mist1, they do mix.

At 9:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


That sounds so persuasive.

At 11:22 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

I'm a self-insured thrill seeker. Really.

At 11:56 PM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

Wow, never thought about it -- beer and bumper cars sounds Sooooooooooooooooooooo fun!!!

You come up with more ingenious ways of spending time. I gotta try that one.

At 1:18 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Hmm. I thought I'd already commented.

That sounds like one hell of a fun game. And the beauty of it is that if you get into a serious 'bump' you'll be nice and floppy from all the alcohol you've drunk.

Its totally safe.

At 5:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Then, saddle up.


I am excellent at wasting time when I am supposed to be packing boxes with all my crap.


You won't even remember the bump in the morning.

At 8:41 AM, Blogger maximo said...

persuasive is my middle name. in fact, i'm fairly certain that i can convince you to sleep with me.

i estimate this will happen when i'm the last male human being on the planet.

so mark your calendar and save that date!

At 9:23 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Have you worked vodka into this equation? That usually helps.

At 12:36 PM, Blogger maximo said...

i thought about it, but i don't want to start the clock ticking on the six week countdown sooner i have to.

At 12:37 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


It is too late. The way you wrote "start the clock ticking" is wooing me.

At 2:03 PM, Blogger maximo said...


ok, well, in that case, fancy a shag?

At 4:32 PM, Blogger tallulah said...

Oh Queen of Whirlyballs, I feel like I have found a sister. I am Queen of Suckyballs. Have you tried that sport?

At 5:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Surely, by now you know that I like to be the assertive one.


I minored in it in college.

At 9:19 PM, Blogger Dorky Dad said...

My word, why have I not been informed of this game? Where can I get in on it? I need to play it. Now.

At 5:16 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I'm sticking to pole dancing. Balls scare me.


At 6:49 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


That's how I felt exactly.


Balls aren't so bad.

At 9:25 AM, Blogger maximo said...

hmm. this sounds like a bad idea.

i can already tell that we're going to fight like cats and dogs. all the time.

the only thing that will keep us together is the passionate, wall-thumping, heart-pounding, animalistic monkey-love make-up sex.

and then, a few hours later, in that sweaty, fleshy, exhausted heap of tangled arms and legs, in that brief moment of vulnerable tenderness, we'll fall in love with each other all over again.

and the vicious cycle will start anew.

At 10:59 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

i ever tell you that i was a whirly ball attendant?

just kidding.....

At 6:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm really good at fighting once I can work up enough motivation. I am much better at make up sex.


I have been a ball attendant too. We have so much in common.


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Name: Mist1
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