Extreme Bumper Cars
I am always looking for a hobby. I have tried lots of things in my hobby quest. I have tried knitting and yoga and convincing my friends to break up with their boyfriends so that they can spend more time with me. I still do all of those things, but not enough to qualify as a hobby. In my mind, a hobby is something that I make time to do every weekend. I think I have found that thing.
Yes, it involves beer. But it involves so much more than beer. It showcases my skills. It involves driving while doing other sh*t at the same time. I am really, really good at that.
Whirlyball is a combination of basketball and bumper cars. While I have never considered driving or basketball one of my talents, it is clear that I am a natural at whirlyball. When the attendant at the whirlyball place explained to me that the sport involved driving while doing other stuff and crashing into other drivers, I knew that I had found something special.
I may have found my perfect pastime. I can do lots of things while driving and still manage to crash into people. According to my auto insurance company, I have a knack for running into moving and non-moving objects alike while putting on mascara, talking on the phone, touching up my pedicure, searching for My Anthem of the Moment on the iPod, tweezing, keeping an eye on two tarantulas in their cages, looking under my seat for the remote to my stereo, kissing, and trying to get the b*tch in the front seat to shut up. I find that running into a city bus is an excellent way to prove a point.
I finished my beer and climbed into my car. There are no seat belts and no helmets. There is also no stereo in the bumper car. Suddenly, I wished that I had ordered another beer for the road.
After the game, I asked the attendant how They think of this stuff. "Pot," he said. "Lots of pot." This pretty much synced with my thoughts. I wonder how many hybrid versions of bumper cars and other sports They tried before stumbling across whirlyball. I imagine that the creators of whirlyball scoured college campuses for volunteers in clinical trials of all sorts of extreme bumper car sports. "Dude, there will be beer and pizza," was all they had to say. They had my interest at beer.
I bet golf and bumper cars seemed like a good idea at first and probably made it to stage two of testing before someone got knocked out. Synchronized swimming bumper cars never made it off the drawing board. Billiards and bumper cars testing ended in injury and darts and bumper cars was all fun and games until someone lost an eye. Bumper hockey, while popular in Canada has yet to take off in the States. Archery and bumper cars only works if you have a certain skill level with bows and arrows. Anything with a net is out. I have seen what happens to the human body when it is hurtled through a net. The possibilities are endless; checkers, juggling, flame swallowing, bowling, swimming, and horseshoes all seem like plausible options. I am holding out for bumper polo. It would make me feel classy.
I totally killed my opponents. I am a gracious winner and insisted only that my bar tab be covered and that I be referred to as the Holy Queen of Whirlyball when spoken to for the next 72 hours.
I plan to play again soon. But, next time, I will totally stick my tongue down the attendant's throat for an additional 14 minutes of play time.
If only bumper cars had a back seat.
(Queen of Whirlyball)