One Fork at a Time
I hate moving. I hate moving almost as much as I hate camping. I have acquired several years of shoes and accessories and candles and crap that I am now packing up and moving into a condo that as of the last time I checked, the internet still does not work. Unless it works soon, I am going to be the neighbor that comes over, not for a cup of sugar, but to ask for a wireless network password.Still, I have found a lovely condo on the right side of the tracks for a price that I cannot refuse. I tried to offer my blog as a down payment, but the agent just tilted her head to one side and asked, "what's a blog?" I informed her that according to Technorati, my blog is pretty damn valuable and that if she played her cards right, I was willing to consider incorporating an ad to her place of business on it. She tilted her head to the other side and told me who to make the check out to. My blog will remain ad free.
I am taking my time moving. There is no sense in living in just one place when I can have half my stuff in one place and the rest of it someplace else. In fact, this has solved all of my shoe storage problems. Open toe shoes and sandals are at the condo. Slingbacks are at the townhome, unless they are open toed, and then they are at the condo. It takes me a little more time to get dressed now, but in my wisdom, I have a full length mirror in both locations.
Yesterday, as I sat in one of my living rooms surrounded by boxes touting names such as Bacardi and Stoli and JD, I began to feel overwhelmed. I wrapped a fork in bubble wrap and placed it in a box next to a vase of marbles and an incense burner and a bottle of plant fertilizer. With a marker, I labeled the box, "Sh*t That I Don't Need, But I Own Anyway and Can't Seem to Part With."
Needing a break from packing, I brought the box over to the condo to unpack it. I was only able to score three boxes from the package store, so I have to unpack every box with each trip. I placed the items in a drawer in the kitchen. With my labeler, I designated this drawer as "Sh*t ThatI Don't Need, But I Own Anyway and Can't Seem to Part With." I printed six more identical labels for the rest of the drawers in the kitchen.
As I was leaving, a burgundy Cadillac pulled up. A man got out and asked me if I was moving in. He told me that his mother had lived in the condo until she died about eight months ago. He didn't say, "my mother lived there until I put her in a nursing home where she died." With that, he convinced me that the woman died in my new bedroom. Rather than ask him which bedroom she died in, I said, "I'm so sorry for your loss." He replied, "She was 75," as casually as he could have said, "What the Hell, let's go get some beers." I am pretty sure that he murdered her in the bathroom of my new condo. Her angry ghost is just waiting for me to take my first shower there.
He told me that I had a really good spirit looking over me there and that he still drove by every day in case I needed anything. I flashed him that smile that says You-Are-Creeping-Me-The-F*ck-Out-Dude. We shook hands and he drove away.
I went back to the town home and drank, surrounded by my three liquor boxes. I surfed the internet for exorcism practitioners and wrote the first draft of a novel in which the protagonist hits rock bottom in her town home surrounded by empty liquor boxes and decides to change her life one fork at a time.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:34 AM
88 Comments:
Hopefully you have a strong Neighborhood Watch group on your block.
I've always preferred plastic utensils as it doesn't cost me as much when I forget to take them out of my paper bowls before I throw them away. When I get low I just go down and hit up KFC for my next month's supply of sporks.
In my single days I passed on all dining appliances and ate over the sink while staring out the window. The heavy duty disposal was very important.
Nothing like having a good spirit around while you enjoy your good spirits.
Maybe you can get the old lady ghost to help you unpack.
1,
Just move the shoes to the new place. You can leave everything else. I can't wait for the book.
That novel sounds like an Oprah Bookclub pic, completely.
Maybe Maya Angelou could come on as a sidekick pundit during the show where you and your book are featured, and she could expound about why the caged bird sings, and you could mention the fork a few times, and then all of you could admire your Choos until commercial break.
Isn't it amazing how many people out there still don't know about blogs?
I need a few boxes at my house that says
Shit I don't Need But Can't Part With!
Hello, I popped over from Lettuce's blog!
Very funny writing! I know just what you mean about the 'crap I just can't part with' box. We have moved twice in past year and soon to move again - at the moment I am selling all the crap I thought I couldn't part with on ebay - it appears other people
want my crap!
(I have boxes of orchid fertilizer (never used) and citrus fruit tree fertilizer (also never used!) - they'll be coming with me the 'cIcpw' box.
Nice to meet you.
That's creepy. Guess that the ghost didn't get included in the home inspection report, did it?
You know...forks make pretty decent weapons, against the living and the dead. You should always keep on handy.
I recommend a stain search with the aid of a black light before moving your furniture into the new condo, but not if you have even the slightest tendency towards anal retention.
Hooray for ad-free blogs. They're worth so much more money than blogs with ads.
Shame you can't make any of that money without devaluing your blog.
Its a vicious circle.
Have fun moving. Call me when you have the housewarming party. I'll be getting drunk over here at the same time to celebrate.
Hi Misty, yes, I'll come to the house-warming party too!
We can all do the spirit thing while trying to conjure up the old lady's spirit.
I have a blog like your drawer ["Sh*t That I Don't Need, But I Own Anyway and Can't Seem to Part With."].
That blog is me, old blogs never read, and . . . at http://jimmiehov2.blogspot.com/
My disclaimer on that blog says: "I'm a saver, meaning I don't throw things away. I just put stuff in boxes or sacks until I might want it again. That's what this site is all about. Disclaimer: Much of this is not my original writing, a lot is humorous email that I've been sent. I don't copy any jokes here from magazines or books."
Don't lose any shoes in that move!
..
I'm with you, I HATE moving - prehaps it would be easier if I drank!
i knew you had the great american novel in you. all the components of a best seller including the culinary aspect which is pr sizzle.
Have a yard sale! Don't include the shoes in it though.
When you come to sell the Condo advertise it with a ghost, this will be an asset!
You know...it occurs to me that, living where you do, you might be one of my clients and I might not even know it.
Weird.
Congrats on getting that condo. Do you have a room for overnight gorillas?
I know what a blog is, but I don't know the difference between a town home and a condo.
Having just three boxes with which to move is a great idea. It forces one to unpack immediately.
Best regards.
I moved eight times in two years. It was hell. Now I class most of my possessions and shite I don't need but can't be arsed to unpack so I just lug it around to the next abode.
As to the ghost, make friend with her - she'll save you a fortune in pet sitting and can even water your plants when you're away. Cats like ghost; guinea pigs I'm not so sure about.
Puss
I have boxes labeled "Sh*t I don't need but too lazy to haul away."
I also have boxes with "sh*t I need but too lazy to unpack."
I buy lots of new stuff.
i'm either gonna paint 'sh*t that i don't need, but i own anyway and can't seem to part with' on the side of my house or tattoo it on my husband.... maybe just the sh*t i don't need part on the spouse. can you sell idiots on e-bay?
I tried drinking the entire time we moved. I even stopped using olives in my vodka as it slowed the process of the alcoholic intake. It didn't help. I had old people living in my soon to be house and even though I don't pray, I prayed daily that they would live long enough to move out first. Maybe you can get your deposit back and stick with your townhouse?
if you're like me, it'll take at least 2 years to unpack... i'm still not unpacked.
All things in good tine Mist.
Wrap yourself in bubble wrap, ghosts can't get through. Keep a fork handy when not wrapped to fork her if needed.
Nice boxes (and one of my favorites)!!! Drink much?
well honey i say make friends with her and the two of you can creep him out awhile. i bet she hated him. he sounds snarky. and let her try on a pair of your shoes, that'll cinch it!
smiles, bee
OK, that guy takes creepy to a whole new level. Have you changed the locks?
At least it's a old lady ghost. No pressure to look your best while naked for an old lady ghost.
I am moving out of my apartment soon. The land lord dude won't fix the AC and I hear the neighbor's sex all night every night.
I use to holler and be all like "get you some", but now I take it back. I want to be a cock blocker now.
I also want to liver under water.
I'm gonna be in town this weekend.
michael,
I can use chopsticks, but I've never been good with sporks.
blitz,
Do I have to share my wine with her ghost?
churlita,
I hope she can decorate.
0,
I'll let you read the draft.
jocelyn,
I'm boycotting Oprah until she lets me be on the cover of her magazine.
ee,
I'll print you a label.
rambling,
Please, don't send me any fertilizer. I don't want to have to double up on the pill.
Thanks for coming by.
velvet,
I got the cheap inspection. You know, termites, mold, etc. Ghosts weren't included.
lcg,
I'm going to sign up for self-defense classes at the Karate place. I want to take fork arts.
slag,
No. I don't want to know.
phishez,
The day a shoe company offers me free shoes to put an ad on my blog, you will see ads here. There is no such thing as tainted shoes.
jim,
I am parting with a pair of black wedges that make my feet look fat.
shadow,
Everything is easier when you drink.
rhian,
I love the way you said PR sizzle.
akelamalu,
I can see the charter buses of tourists pulling up in front of my sliding glass door (I don't have vertical blinds yet).
fab,
I won't be treated like clientèle.
av,
I even have a bathroom for overnight gorillas.
onkel,
Neither do I, but it was easier to keep track of than Place #1 and Place #2.
Thanks for coming by.
puss,
No one over the age of six likes guinea pigs.
mxi,
That's why my three box move is helpful.
heather,
What's the starting bid and do I have to pay for shipping?
olives,
I can't get my money back. She'll probably just offer me her new blog.
maximo,
I have rules. If I haven't used it in 18 months, it has to go. I give myself six weeks to use men before they have to go.
wreck,
Well played. Why didn't I think of that?
tug,
Wrapping myself in bubble wrap could be sexy. I will need somebody to pop it.
tera,
A little bit. Usually just when I'm awake.
bee,
No one tries on my shoes. Not even dead women who will make my TV turn on in the middle of the night.
jazz,
I thought driving a Granny Caddy was creepy too.
todd,
She had better admire my new a$$.
nolff,
I wish my neighbors would cheer me on when I'm "entertaining."
Let me know when you're in town. I will need a beer break before I start moving the spoons.
Granny Caddy: Yeah, um, I just wanted to stop by and introduce myself and let you know that I'm for the most part harmless (when I'm on my medication) but feel somehow connected to you in a deep, intimate way.
Well, take care!
matt,
Are you writing a novel about forks too?
I don't think I could part for my blog even for a condo. Hmmm unless the condo was in London. Then... yes.
-N
oh.
is our six week anniversary coming up soon?
Moving sucks, I moved from boston to Puerto Rico,had to ship all my stuff, it took 2 months to get here, on the bright side, am great with exorcisms (one of my many hidden talenst)so if you need help with the dead woman, call.
It's amazing how much importance we put on our crap. Thousands of pounds of useless junk that we dare not part with. I need a bigger house.
ok, first of all those black wedges are obviously defective and you should get a full refund. and an obscene amout of money for your pain and suffering.
speaking of refunds, once you take him there is no going back! none, i mean it. you can pass him off to the next in line but he won't be coming back this way. no shipping and the bidding is starting at one cent.
You categorize forks as "sh*t I don't need" ??
I think Maximo is concerned that you haven't "used" him enough before you chuck him...
I have to move in a few months, too, and I don't even wanna think about it....
natalia,
I was just trying to shoot for an appliance allowance.
maximo,
We haven't even begun yet. You will know when you've been used.
es,
Please come over to help get dead woman out. If you are not available, I suppose I could move in with you in PR. Thanks for the invite.
cyber,
A bigger house will not help. You will fill that up too.
heather,
Free shipping is hard to resist. I suppose you've taken care of the handling too?
p of u,
I don't stir my cocktails with a fork. What else can I do with them?
choo,
Just live in denial for as long as possible.
At least the moving and angry ghost inspired you to do something creative! ;)
I ran into somebody yesterday at the CVS that I used to live near in an apartment complex. I only passingly knew her and didn't immediately know who she was. She did recognize me and informed me that her nine year old daughter had died a few months ago. I said I was sorry for her loss then stood there not knowing what to say or if it was ok for me to leave.
Awkwardly Yours,
Dagromm
I have moved more in the past 2 years then anyone in their right mind. I hope yours goes a little smoother than my last one: I forgot a pair of my favorite shoes and had to go back begging. The new tenant swore she never saw them. I saw her two weeks later wearing said items. I nearly attacked her.
Mist you crack me up!!! Kind of reminds me of Karen on "Will & Grace" LOL!
You could move all your shit much faster with a catapult.
ignore him for a while and he'll 'handle' himself lol
*oh and dags, you need to stop going to cvs*
I have a box of "My Ex's Sh*t I Can't Seem to Part With" from my move one year ago. I broke everything in the box during a drunken rage. I think I'll mail it back to him, just for fun!
Just distract her with your shoe collection. I mean, I know she's a scary ghost, but she's still a woman.
Aren't there some impressionable teenage boys in the neighborhood that can be encouraged to do all the moving?
Or to beat up a creepy old man to drives by your condo every day?
Think how much fun you and Granny ghost can have f*cking with your beautiful but not so bright friends. :D
I hate moving, too.
I did it twice last year and I'm now heavily medicated because of it.
:)
Good luck, Mist1!!!
Heather,
I'm about to swear it off!! Going after dark definitely needs to be out. Thanks for stopping by!
Dagromm
I thought that we had a ghost once. Glass kept exploding in my house. I'd grab for a glass in the diswasher and it would just break into a million little pieces before I even touched it. Once I opened the cupboard and reached for a bowl and again, before I even touched it, the damn thing broke. I'd also hear lots of strange noises in my basement and my dog would stare into an "empty" corner barking and growling for hours at something I couldn't see in my living room. My husband thought I was nuts when I just started yelling one day for whatever was in my house to leave us alone. Shortly after my fit, the dog chilled out, the noises stopped and the glass stopped exploding. So, just go in your new condo, act like a fool and maybe you won't have any problems :)
There could be tax benefits you are missing by writing off angry dead woman as a dependent.
75 is not that old these days. He probably snuffed her for her life insurance.
I have several drawers filled with stuff I don't need but keep anyway. And two closets. They are not labeled, though. They KNOW who they are.
I'd help ya move but I need to work.
You never know, maybe the ghost will be all friendy and just want company.
Every one knows old women can cook...who knows, she might be useful.
karma,
I need something to inspire me to pack.
dagromm,
Next time, fake some kind of attack.
susan,
I would have scratched her eyes out.
tera,
My mom says I'm like Grace. But Karen has great boobs.
furious,
Can I rent one at The Home Depot?
heather,
Me too.
andy,
I am a donor, but I'm not sure who wants any of these used organs.
drunk,
I think you're supposed to burn that after six months.
123,
I don't want a dead broad coveting my shoes.
gyuss,
I am on the outs with the mothers of the impressionable teenage boys. Something to do with my pool attire.
scotts,
I hope they can see them too.
alicia,
Hmmm. Medication doesn't sound too bad. Can I get it before I move? Something to make me stay up all night and pack would be perfect.
dagromm,
What's wrong with CVS?
nina,
Did I mention that I am going to live right next to the cemetery?
miztris,
It's such a subtle look, but it conveys so much feeling.
wave,
Is that legal? I'm calling my tax attorney.
hearts,
I wonder if he's driving her Caddy.
slick,
Is ghost food lo-cal?
I would totally read that book.
I am not surprised he is stalking you...hopefully he just wants you for your shoes...in that case you can give him the ones at the townhome...or maybe he has a foot fedish in that case give him the ones at the condo cause they are open toed...
good luck with your new place...
chef,
Will you come to my book signing?
tellin',
I think he's stalking his dead mom.
Is there a fireman on your new block???!!!???
jali,
There are firemen where ever I go.
mist, if he drives by every day, he can certainly transport some stuff. i mean...he's driving right by.
Let me get this straight Mist...You bubble wrapped a fork? You are indeed in need of some serious help.
I have the same six drawers in my kitchen. I haven't marked them, but I know where all the s**t is. Keep them coming...
Congratulations on the new condo. Hopefully you have lots more room :)
Congrats on the condo- I would ditch the shoes entirely, but they are a necessary evil if I want to go shopping.
Defnitely. Who under 75 buys Caddies anymore, except for Escalades?
You're the only one who is sorry for his loss.
I am impressed. I love seeing the term "package store" in print.
I went back and re-read this post, replacing "condo" with "condom". It was still funny, but weird.
I think people who are in the process of moving all look slightly like alcoholics because most of their boxes are from a liquor store. I think that's why I can never seem to part with normal boxes so that when I move I won't look like a total boozer. Just a strange box lady.
Cool..hey i have to move too. Wanna come up here drink wine and pack my place?
nance,
You have a beautiful mind.
comedy,
I was swayed by the two pools thing. I mean, why should I stay here with just one pool?
weather,
I have two pair of shoes that are pure evil. But, they are worth the pain.
hearts,
Who has heard of Escalade in burgundy? It's definitely his mom's car.
stilt,
I love the term "package store." It makes it more mysterious.
silver,
A strange box lady is better than a strange bag lady.
nofear,
I am excellent at helping people move. I can always find something that I am happy to take home with me. That's one less thing to move.
nwjr,
I'm on the pill. They are easier to pack than condoms.
Please say you're not leaving that quaint little town where I met you!
hopefully she is only mad at the son and not the apartment!
enjoy your houses of shoes!
Well - if that vase of marbles starts disappearing or things get moving - you can tell that old broad to GET LOST.
you gotta get rid of that ghost before she starts borrowing your shoes.
You have a new ass? What'd you do with the other one? Is it on Craigslist? Are there pictures?
pissy,
Don't be silly. I'm just needed a better closet in my same zip code.
robin,
I may never sleep again.
karmyn,
I will have to lure her out. I'm better at luring people in.
claudia,
She can prepare to die again if she wants to wear my shoes.
todd,
The new and improved a$$ is so much bubblier than it's predecessor.
Congrats on the new place, even IF it is a little creepy.
I'm shocked at the non-chalance with which you casually mention the purchase of a new home... I was/am wracked with uncertainty and angst when I bought my place.
condo,
I threw up three times. Does that give you an indication of how wracked with uncertainty I was?
you should've went ahead and had a few beers with the momma killer in the caddy..........would've made a good character study for your novel.........that's what i would've done anyway........but then, i aint scared of much......except squirrels of course.........
stak,
That project has a huge potential to end in disaster.
Damn, those squirrels.
sure.........but think of all the beer you could've consumed..........
stak,
I haven't decided if I want to die drinking beer or not yet. Beer makes me have to pee. I don't want to die with a full bladder.
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