There Will Be No 2nd Date
Here is what I said to Sue (who is dating Robb, a TV producer):"Hey, you should have Robb hook me up with my own show. I want to be a star."
Here is what Sue (who is dating Robb, a TV producer) heard:
"Hey, you should have Robb hook me up with one of his friends. Let's meet at a bar."
In all fairness, Sue (drop dead beautiful, yet dumb as a post) has dropped her phone so many times that she has to slap it seven times in rapid succession and then blow three quick breaths into it before she can hear the person on the other end speak. This seems to be the magic equation. When I call her, I wait 20 seconds before holding the phone to my ear. I suppose, it's possible that she misheard me.
When she came over last night, she looked at me in my tank top, panties (sequined), and flip-flops (also sequined) and rolled her eyes. "Get dressed, we're going out" she said. Ordinarily, I would have squealed and made her sit on big chair in my bedroom as I got dressed. But, I have an ear infection and a cough that makes people cringe when I am around them, so I'm not in a squealing mood.
Still, I have a new pair of camel toe jeans that I have been dying to wear, so I got dressed. When I came down stairs, Sue looked at my jeans and said, "you're going to get a yeast infection in those." She always knows how to make me feel sexy. She had made me a cocktail (amoxicillin and vodka) so I couldn't be mad .
I love it when Sue drives me places. She is terrifying behind the wheel. In her head, she is a getaway driver. I am sure that she can see flashing blue lights in her rear view mirror as she weaves in and out of traffic. Sometimes, I feel like taking off my seatbelt, leaning out of the open window, and screaming, "you'll never take me alive, coppers!" I don't want to mess up my hair in the wind, so I fix my lip gloss instead.
I knew I was being ambushed when we walked in the bar and Sue craned her neck to get a look at who was there. She grabbed my arm and began walking toward the dart boards. Under her breath, she gave me the details, "31. Never married. He works in HR or PR or the ER...something with an R. Likes dogs. Can't remember his name. Smile."
I had been set up. I'm not sure why people continue to set me up on dates. I have a good time, but no one else does. I am obnoxious. I talk all the time and because tell how loudly I'm talking due to my ear infection, I talk too loud. I demand complements on my shoes. I do not care about baseball. I need a few dollars to play Golden Tee Golf. I need a few more for the juke box. I scratch my a$ in public. I am all for public humiliation, even my own. Instantly, I pitied the poor man. He had no idea what I was going to do to his bar tab. Most importantly, he had no idea that I was going to tell him how much I hated his shirt. Also, he was carrying an umbrella. It was not raining. I didn't know his name yet and it wasn't going well for him already.
After a few drinks, Sue suggested that he drive me home. I agreed because the pressure in my ears was unbearable and I could hardly hear myself talk. We walked out to the car and I said, "I really appreciate the ride. It's almost time for my next dose of antibiotic." I can turn sexy on and off, just like that.
We drove back to my house in silence. At least, I think it was silence. I really can't hear at all in my left ear. A block from my home, he drove through a red light and we were pulled over. The officer ran his license and returned to the car. My date was asked to get out of the vehicle slowly. Apparently, he was not aware that there was a warrant for his arrest. I think the officer offered to drop me off at home before taking my date downtown, but I'm not good at reading lips. I told him that I would feel uncomfortable with a fugitive of the law in the backseat. I wouldn't want him to know where I live. I asked if I could just take his car and drive myself home instead. I had a coughing fit and the officer thought carefully about the possibility of me spreading my infectious disease in his squad car. He gave me the keys.
Sue called me about an hour later. It turns out that my date had written a few bad checks in college at a local pizza place. He was broke and hungry and it was years ago and that I should totally go out with him again because he was really interested in seeing me again. I didn't mention that I still had his car and told that I was surprised that he still had a warrant from that offense. "I know," she said, "never f*ck with a pizza place. They're all tied to the mob."
Yes, Sue. Probably.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:28 AM
100 Comments:
Wow, can you date. I'm obnoxious too, but no one asks for that second date with me. Maybe I need to start wearing some camel toe jeans.
Just think of the great story you can tell the grandkids about your first date!
For the record, you don't sound obnoxious at all, you sound like a ball!
That so completely deserves it's own TV script.
Now I'm afraid to go to a pizza joint...
You my dear, are very entertaining.
Mist, have I declared my love for you lately?
He definitely worked in HR. People that work in PR, ER, and R&B can cover their checks.
Keep it Real,
Dagromm
Well, I'm dumber than a box of rocks. Can you fix me up with Sue?
Thanks in advance.
at least you gained a car out of the experience!
I hope you get your hearing back...oh, and Sue is NOT your friend!
PS Love the cameltoe look!
So, is it a nice car?
You say obnoxious. I say honest. They're the same thing. Almost.
If I can't f*ck with a pizza place, can I f*ck in one? That would afford all kinds of protection. But wouldn't be good for heath reasons.
'Thats our... "special" sauce'
Sounds like a love connection to me...
A date, a car, a cop, and pizza, sounds like a fabulous night
Someone said everything you wrote was funny. I think they were right, but I haven't read it all yet. I'll have to come back again and again to be sure.....
I have a pair of camel toe jeans that I last wore in 1998. I can't bear to part with them even though I will probably never fit in them again!
The date might have gone better if you hadn't been having trouble with your ear do you think?
Well, that explains stuffed crust anyway.
What kind of shows does Robb produce? America's Most Wanted?
Puss
Hey... I love to read your blogs... just discovered them recently, but can't wait read it everyday. It just starts the day off so much better when you have a good laugh! Thanks!
You know, to beat an ear infection, you just to put something in your mouth and blow really hard.
hi mist. it's me, bee. don't you like pizza honey? me, i like pizza. do you still have his car? he doesn't know where you live so you may as well drive it awhile. i hope you feel better now. hope you don't get another infection. camel toe jeans indeed. i think i have some of those too, not sure...
smiles, bee
I've mailed you my left over antibiotics and a bottle of vodka. It's a care package. At least, I think that's what they refer to them as..
Maybe the umbrella he was carrying was for protection from the pizza mob?
I had an ear infection recently. It caused my eadrum to pop in my sleep. I woke up with blood on the pillow. I think it was the first time I broke a hymen.
-oaky
I hate people who run red lights.
-N
churlita,
The jeans are the key to dating.
condo,
Grandkids? I think I just had a small stroke.
michael,
Pay in cash.
winter,
I am entertaining and infectious.
natalie,
That's a strong word. If you want a second date, you should say that we are strongly in like.
dagromm,
I was so busy talking about myself that I forgot to ask what he did.
jonas,
When can you move in?
kris,
I know. I'm going to drive it until the tank is on E.
ee,
She has been my best friend forever. She's just not that bright.
kungfu,
Lots of cup-holders. It's a gas guzzler.
phishez,
You can totally f*ck in a pizza place. I used to have a thing for a pizza guy.
fab,
They always are.
es,
A date that doesn't end with me sticking my tongue down someone's throat is a bad date.
melo,
I have off days too. Then, I talk about my panties.
Thanks for coming by.
akelamalu,
I'm not sure if hearing him would have helped. I don't listen well regardless of my hearing.
puss,
He has two programs. One is sports related. The other is political. They both put me to sleep.
anon,
I don't usually start my day laughing until I see my hair in the mirror. Then, I laugh.
Thanks for coming by.
av,
What whatever would I put in my mouth?
bee,
I hope he doesn't report it stolen.
susan,
You are practically a saint.
mj,
I think he was just very, very prepared.
anon,
I broke my eardrum riding horses for the first time in a waterbed when his parents were out of town. Yeah. That's what happened.
Thanks for coming by.
natalia,
I guess you don't want his phone number.
I don't know which I laughed harder about...your yearning for the Pilsbury doughboy to "visit" or the guy having the umbrella in no rain! You are just too much! I am always on tiptoes of anticipation as I drive to work to get my good, gut laugh from you everyday!!!
Absolutely hilarious!!! And oh, you're good...you talked a POLICE OFFICER into giving you, a complete stranger another man's car!!!! Unbelievable...hey, aren't there laws against that?
tera,
Seriously, my local PD is pretty familiar with me. We have lots of stories and we see each other in traffic court on a quarterly basis.
I hate stupid shirts too.
The ones with flames and dragons on them are the worst.
I wrote haikus about them.
nolff,
How do you feel about shiny shirts?
That sounds like my last date...I can't wait to hear about the aftermath- mine involved drunken, drugged up text messages and flowers left on my patio.
You've inspired me to write about it now...
I don't know, but I am a doctor.
As funny as this story is, it belies the more important question of how you are still single with such developed dating skills and tactics. I believe the kids call it skillzz??
i'm not a doctor, but i play one in the bedroom...........
seriously Mist.........do you ever have a dull day?........
You told him that you hated his shirt and he wanted a second date anyway? Maybe he's not that good of a listener either.
slap it seven times in rapid succession and then blow three quick breaths into it.
That's exactly how I perform oral sex.
p of u,
Gawd. That sounds bad. I was wise not to let the cop drop me off.
av,
I thought you were a gorilla.
michael,
I adore being single. I love everything about it except that I could really use someone who's handy around the house and doesn't send an invoice later.
stak,
I am rarely bored. Sometimes, when I haven't had any entertainment, I go places dressed inappropriately. Something is bound to happen then.
velvet,
Some men like women like that.
alicia,
I'm asking Sue about that. I bet she does too.
wow, that's one for the record books. if you had immolated him, think he still would have asked for the second date?
you totally crack me up! I'm so glad I found your blog ;)
You going to let a few warrants and a bad shirt ruin this poor guy's fun?
An Umbrella carrying masochist, creepy.
PLEASE please...what are camel toe jeans?? And where did you get the sequinned panties?
furious,
I think I sacrificially offered him to the Police Department.
friendly m,
Cracking you up is better than cracking you out.
Thanks for coming by.
slick,
It was a really, really bad shirt. And don't forget the umbrella.
stacy,
Okay, so it's raining today. I'm thinking he was just early. Punctuality is hot.
cg,
Camel toe jeans are um, rather tight in the crotch. And my panties were in the 5 for $20 bin in the slutty teenage girl store in the mall.
Oh, my heart breaks for you on this one, honey.
I had an internet dude whom I have only seen once ask for the next date to be a sleepover. Seriously. Right after he canceled the second date. "I can't make it tonight, but why don't we get together next week, and I'll stay over."
No. I don't think so.
123,
You are so strong to not give it up on the first date.
Shiny shirts are not for straight people to wear.
These are issues that affect Americans.
that exact same thing happened to a friend of ours and we didn't believe him when he got arrested... craaap.
I have a friend who is a getaway driver in her head, too. Anywhere we're going, we always get there in ten minutes or less
1,
you are a force in the universe. When do you get the TV show?
Armed and Drunk would be the perfect "copycat" to Charlie's Angels. I will be the vapid blond and you can be the vapid brunette, or whatever. We get GUNS! and BOOZE!
your blog always makes me laugh out loud, but i have to admit that you bring out some of the best comments i have ever read. great job!
i refuse to wear camel toe jeans. please, please be strong and give em up. pleeeeeze. (ok, i'm done begging. haven't done it in so long that i almost forget how)
What does a ball sound like Condoman?
I can turn sexy on and off, just like that.
Some people turn it off & forget. forever. You're GOOD.........
nolff,
I want to be your campaign manager.
jennifer,
Looks like you owe someone an apology.
choo,
I would be a great getaway driver except for the getting lost part and having to go back to where I started from.
0,
I'm thinking I'll have to push up on Robb myself.
scotts,
This week, I'd be the one whose highlights have grown out.
hello,
The people who comment here are the funniest people that I have never met.
I like my camel toe jeans. They feel good.
tug,
I do what I can. It takes lots of practice.
The things I loved:
1. "driving a getaway car..."you'll never get me copppers!"
2. Turning sexy off just like that
3. I hated his shirt and he had an umbrella..the night wasn't going well for him
Two questions: What was wrong with his shirt? color/style/wearing it wrong? what?
What are camel toed jeans?
For some reason I have shiny things on my mind hmmmmmm.
LOL! Oh, Mist! You and Sue are hilarious! What a fun pair...or at least the most fun partners in crime ever. I'm tellin' ya, you deserve a TV show or something. Or even bigger...how about a movie? "The Adventures of Mist" or "Mist Does the Dirty South". Err...those both sounded a bit too porno, didn't they? LOL!
BTW, I love your phrase: Still, I have a new pair of camel toe jeans that I have been dying to wear, . You crack me up! ;)
I have an eye infection and can't read anything today. I hope my tuping is okay.
wreck,
The stripes were all wrong. They said, "I took a charter bus with my grandma to a Tommy outlet and she bought me this shirt." Camel toe jeans are very, very tight. If the seam in the crotch was a bull, I'd be a champion rodeo star.
chrissy,
I think I already made those home movies.
blitz,
You're tuping is just fine. Get an antibiotic, that boogery-like thing stuck to your lashes is making me feel vomity.
Is beatiful but dumb Sue at all offended by your description of her?
Or is she too dimwitted to even read your blog?
Actually I was thinking wigs...then we could totally eff up the badguys. They'd be all "wait, isn't she BLONDE?" and we would laugh and laugh...and then we would do a shot, somersault, and shoot them.
Usually your dates give you shoes. A car is a big step up, don't you think?
If Paris Hilton goes to jail, there would be a big hole in the tv universe for your show.
I would sooooo watch the mist1 show.
Bwahahahah! This is too funny. Your friend Sue sounds like a real jewel. A few fries short of a full order. Your dating life is very strange, but then... See you tomorrow. You are so sick!!! Bwahahahahah!
My Uncle John (a Russian) owned a pizza place...and you are right, you don't want to screw around with them...hehe. Except in my Uncle's case it was the mafia, not the mob.
datings overrated.
Yeah, pretty funny but this actually happened to me in real life the first time I was arrested... ten years ago.
You're a good date b/c at least you were sober enough to drive his car home, unlike the woman I was with that night. Damn towing fees.
Hang on to any friend who will mix you a cocktail and will drive you places. Seriously.
mystic,
She doesn't read at all. Plus, she knows it.
scotts,
I can do a back flip.
hearts,
If she goes to jail, she'll just get a new show.
jali,
I would have to get cable to watch my show.
comedy,
Sue and I were meant for one another.
silver,
My checks are good.
mayren,
That sounds like there's a story to go with your comment.
So give the guy another chsnce, tell him you'll pick him up in your new car (-:
"camel toe jeans"
I'm dedicating this YouTube clip to you my dear!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgHZEUZdy2k
I probably shouldn't mention that I own a pizza joint.
I dont' get it. Were you turning sexy on or off? I'm willing to debate the issue on either side.
OMFG!!!! Girl, you already had a few strikes against you before you even left the house.....the ear infection & the yeast infection on the verge from your camel toe jeans!
I cold hook you up with a good friend of mine. He is single, has a job, owns his car, doesn't live in his parents' basement and loves comic books. Maybe I should have left out the part about comic books.
tom,
I hope he doesn't mind that I smoked in the car.
uncivil,
I am so touched. Thank you.
tallulah,
I swear, I hardly even know the guy.
othur,
Most people see an antibiotic as a turn off, however, if you think it's an aphrodisiac, c'mon over.
paula,
I like to live dangerously.
sornie,
Set me up with someone who still lives with their parents. I need a surrogate family.
That's it...i want Mist Boot Camp.
Reading about your date, I am reminded of the movie When Harry met Sally where Meg Ryan is telling Billy Crystal about how bad her blind date was when the guy plucked a hair from her head after dinner and flossed with it....sounds like you and your date had almost as much fun. Good Times.
Camel toe jeans?!!!
OMG, that was hilarious! :) :)
nofear,
It's not boot season. Would you settle for open toe wedge class?
glazier,
I would love a man who flosses. Okay, maybe not love, but I would sleep with a man who flosses.
dawn,
They are really that tight.
Keep the car. Demand he pay insurance. Doesn't he know you're supposed to wait until at LEAST the third date before getting arrested? Boys these days...
legal,
I never make it to the third date. I usually want to go home somewhere between cocktails and cocktails.
I don't know if this is true; in fact, I don't know if most of what you write is true, but I hardly care, because you're always entertaining.
Dr. Gorilla. Duh.
Okay Mist, so I was in a massive shoe store today (DSW at Union Square in NYC) It was massive. Shoes everywhere. You'd be orgasmic. Anywho, Fiancée had a question that nobody there could answer, but I knew someone who could! So here's my/our question: How do you measure how tall heels are? Where exactly on the shoe do you measure? Is it at the very back of the heel? Inquiring minds need to know!
jay,
I did hate his shirt and he was carrying an umbrella.
av,
Let me see your credentials. Last I knew, Gorillas were still learning to sign.
todd,
She knows how tall she is, right? Well then, put on the shoe and see how tall she is with it on. There you go.
Ah... Logic. I see your game.
Thanks!
todd,
I graduated at the top of my class. I was wearing four inch heels.
OMG, it is total hurlage when people leave the restroom and not wash their hands, AND do not use a napkin to open the door to get out! Oh and I loathe the ones which only have those little stupid blower-dryer-do hickies and NO PAPER TOWELS!! They can pretty much expect me to don their entire restroom with annoying, crumbled, wet toilet paper wads as my ritual entails much more than the dryer!!!
LMAO at the woman who thought you were "retarded," and even harder at the fact that you derailed by actually pointing to the sink!!!
And if anyone from Bacardi is reading this....
tera,
Amen to the Bacardi. I'm thinking that perhaps you've had some already. This comment was intended for another post. I find that to be cute.
it took me forever to finish this post because I couldn't get past the mental visualization of sequined panties and camel toe (though we refer to it as "camel paw")
do you think pizza is about the crust? or about the toppings?
because the mob pizza place i love is all about the ravioli... :wink:
cameltoe pants! lol!
I have a couple pairs of those. I'm mortified every time I wear them, yet I still keep on wearing them over and over.
Antibiotics are sexy.
kiyotoe,
Camels have paws?
melanie,
Pizza is about the beer that goes with it.
miztris,
I know. There is something about the toe.
seb,
Well, my phlegm isn't green anymore, so I guess that's pretty sexy.
You certainly can turn sexy on and off, just like that.
Wonderful date. Brilliant story.
Didn't happen to me.
Wonderful
That's a great story. And such a date to remember.
A friend like Sue makes life interesting. You'll never know what will happen next.
orhan,
Sometimes, even the sexy need a break.
grunt,
Why is it that so many of my dates get arrested?
fab,
She is absolutely the best. G*d love her and her teeny, tiny brain.
I think I am in love with you.
-brad
anon,
Can't we just be in lust? I am deathly afraid of love.
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