To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Friday, April 20, 2007


I didn't have a cell phone for a long time. Everyone, seriously, everyone had a cell phone before I had one. Now, I'm not quite sure how I lived without one. It's not that I didn't want the convenience of talking about the intimate details of my life to my mother while filling my prescription for birth control, it's just that she always told me that if a man wanted me badly enough, he would pay for my expenses. I never questioned her reasoning. I didn't even bring up that 15 year period in which Dad was a stay at home dad.

I got my first cell phone when I was in a long distance relationship. After a few weeks of being apart, he sent me a cell phone. I bought a furry case for it. I was in love. Of course, now that adorable furry cell phone case would be large enough to hold my laptop, but back then, it was divine.

I was responsible with my phone as He was paying all of my bills. I only used it in emergencies, like when I needed a tow truck or a weather/time report or needed the input of a friend about whether my toe nails should be pained Rich Girl Red or Merlot.

He broke up with me years ago. We had a big blow up about whether or not living hundreds of miles away from one another meant that I could sleep with the DJ in the bar that I frequented or not. It was complicated. I felt that it was only natural that I should sleep with him and He felt that it was only natural that He should call the DJ (since He got the phone bills) and curse him out. Turns out, I was wrong and He was right and so, He dumped me.

For four years, I have been living without a cell phone bill. Then, unexpectedly and without notice, my phone was cut off yesterday. I called the customer care line at Sprint because it was the only number that I could still call and asked just what the Hell was going on here. The customer care agent informed me that my contract had terminated and that all services had been discontinued.

At first, I was shocked that He thought that we had the potential to last four more years. A four year contract with a cell phone company is almost like a proposal for crap's sake. I almost teared up because it was the sweetest thing that He had ever done for me, unless you count the time that He violated the terms of his parole to see me. That was pretty sweet too. Suddenly, I wanted to call Him and tell Him how much I had been thinking about Him since my cell phone was cut off. I would be sure to mention that I hoped that He was doing well in all of His endeavors and maybe we could have dinner and maybe He could call me sometime. But, of course, that would require reactivating my account.

So, I called Him from my home phone. Okay, in truth I called one of His friends because He has changed His number in the past four years (Mom always said that He was unstable and couldn't provide for me). When I finally reached Him, we talked. We caught up. He is doing better than when He left me (read: not on parole). He has a girlfriend and so I backed down. I have had enough of complicated relationships.

Finally, the conversation turned to my cell phone. I played nice. Then, I argued. Finally, I begged. I am not proud. He told me that He doesn't feel that He should continue to pay for my phone bill as I am The Queen of Text Messaging and also a b*tch.

Still, I feel like I have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Surely, any judge can see that.

I am suing for cell phone alimony. At least until I get on my feet.

Mist 1


At 9:39 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Why is it that when relationships end the electronics are the ones that suffer the most? Don't forget to factor all that text messaging into your monthly alimony budget ;-)

At 9:42 PM, Blogger Dagromm said...

You must have a vengeful God as He doesn't seem as understanding and forgiving as mine, but then again I don't use Sprint.


At 10:24 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

I can't believe he had problems with you and the DJ. Some men are just so touchy. At least you got a cell phone out of the deal..For four years, anyway.

At 12:28 AM, Blogger Leese said...

All good things must come to an end. I hope this doesn't cut into your shoe budget. Just cut out something frivolous like food or electricity.

At 2:22 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Rich Girl Red. Always Rich Girl Red.

At 2:48 AM, Blogger Fiona said...

Of course, now that adorable furry cell phone case would be large enough to hold my laptop, but back then, it was divine.

There's no way you're old enough to remember the battery back that you had to wear in a full-size satchel over your shoulder, accompanied by a brick like 'mobile' phone that required very strong arms to hold it to one's ear for more than 2 mins. And damn those things got hot!!!

At 3:11 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

How very dare he!!!

At 3:38 AM, Blogger Jester said...

That's the shitty thing about relationships... they tend to get in the way of dating.

If you know anyone interested in buying me a house and paying my utilities, drop me a note. I'll share the wealth. :)

At 4:49 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

....whether my toe nails should be pained Rich Girl Red or Merlot.

Merlot, of course. Was it ever really in doubt?

At 5:02 AM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

I am shocked and appalled! What a horrible, horrible way for him to act! I can't believe he didn't renew the contract once it was up!! ;)

PS. I'm with nwjr on this one. Merlot is simply sexy...that and the fact that I've got no idea what Rich Girl Red looks like. Is it like Fire Engine Red? ;)

At 5:03 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Rich Girl Red every time. Flash those cute little toes around enough and you'll find someone willing to pay for your text habit. Find a foot fetishist and he may even throw in video calling and email.


At 5:40 AM, Blogger fringes said...

May I suggest T-Mobile? Dwyane Wade is hot. To get all up in his five, I'd serial kill somebodies.

At 5:43 AM, Blogger Jazz said...

Not everyone had a cell phone before you. I still don't have one. I am so still living in the 20th century.

At 5:49 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

Rich Girl Red, no question about it.

At 6:13 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

What if the judge awards him cell phone custody?

At 6:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


He should spring for unlimited text messaging.


He is very vengeful.


Everyone sleeps with the DJ.


I need electricity. Food is optional.


Well, of course.


My friend's dad still has one of those. No lie.


Finally, the voice of reason!


I suggest an online sugardaddy site.


What? Rich Girl Red. Always.


Fire Engine Red is pretty good too. But Rich Girl Red just screams class.


Why has no one honored you with a honorary degree. You are the wisest person that I sort of know.


My friend has T-Mobile. She can only call me when she is standing in her kitchen.


I feel so evolved now.


Exactly. I am going to call you the next time I'm having my toe nails painted.

At 6:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Well, he can't have my nights and weekends. Or holidays.

At 6:23 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Listen up, I have something important to say:

I am racist against "live DJ’s". Some of my friends would rather go see a "live DJ" than a live band.

"LIVE DJ"... oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz

A "live DJ" takes recordings of live music that occurred in the past and attempts to play those same recordings again in the present. They are trying to destroy the delicate fabric between space and time.

I once tried to get a "live DJ" to play me some Journey, but he did not. Instead he told the bouncers to kick me out, and they did... I am still bitter about it.

Why do girls swoon over DJ’s? They love DJ’s for some reason

Here’s a secret ladies: They are playing someone else’s music. Why don’t you swoon over a valet attendant?... They drive nice cars that don't belong to them.

At 6:24 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

sorry about the bitterness, Mist

At 6:24 AM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

You're a funny girl, mist.

The man I married pays for my cellie, but he refuses to pay for text messaging. Should I sue him?

At 6:45 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

So you capitalize anyone's pronoun if they pay your cell bill? Pronoun deification as a phrase is close to pronoun defaction...such a fine line between God and poop.

At 6:57 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Only a cold hearted bastard would leave a woman in this predicament.

You're right, any Judge would see that.

Go get'em girl

Let me know when the court date is, I'll be there for moral support and a few laughs.

At 7:10 AM, Blogger Omniscience said...

holy $h*t, mist. what kind of moron signs a 4 year contract with cell phone company? i think you could have gotten him to pay for a lot of other stuff.

At 7:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Swooning over live DJs is better than swooning over dead DJs.


Absolutely. Text message him now to tell him that he'll be hearing from your lawyer.


At one point, He was very important to me.


I want to be on Judge Judy or Hatchett or Joe Brown or Christina or that other lady from Divorce Court.

At 7:11 AM, Blogger Thy Goddess said...

Sue that greedy fucktard.

I'll write the amicus curiae brief in support of your cell phone alimony claim.

We'll fuck him up.

At 7:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


He did it out of love, I'm sure. Or stupidity. Either way, it's been great.

At 7:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

thy g,

Have I mentioned my pain and suffering over this issue? I can't live like this. Surely, there must be a way to compensate me for all that I am going through.

At 7:26 AM, Blogger STAK said...

i just don't get the whole text messaging thing.........can you explain it to me,Mist?......

At 7:29 AM, Blogger Thy Goddess said...


Cell phone alimony + punitive damages for IIED (Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress).

You'll be swimming in a pool of cell phones, babe.

At 7:32 AM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

is "rich girl red" like "i'm not really a waitress" red? coz that color is gorgeous & i have never had a man dislike my toes while wearing that color.

4 year contract on a phone? damn girl! if anyone had a doubt about you, they now know you simply must have it going on.

At 7:33 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I will need your phone number.

thy g,

My cell phone looks a little battered. Can we use the battered phone syndrome to my advantage?

At 7:34 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


My four year contract is the longest relationship I have ever had. And yet, it still ends badly.

At 7:39 AM, Blogger Thy Goddess said...

Hmm...let me get back to you on that one.

This requires heavy legal research.

At 7:46 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

honey i say cut him off. that's it! no more! and mean it this time!

smiles, bee

At 7:51 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

thy g,

That's code for: "I'll have my assistant get right on that while I have martinis," isn't it?


I just want to keep my number.

At 7:56 AM, Blogger Sornie said...

Good lord, a four year contract is like buying a goldfish and expecting it to live. It won't last.

At 8:00 AM, Blogger CG said...

That's so unreasonable of him. He should be eternally grateful you ever dated him; surely that's worth a crummy cellphone contract renewal?
I had a furry cell-phone case; it was shaped like a puppy - I blush to think of this!

At 8:01 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

You could soften him up by sending him pics of you in your dead coyote hat. It's probably not playing fair, but you might even be able to get a wireless ear piece worked into the deal after he sees them.

At 8:05 AM, Blogger Thy Goddess said...

How very cynical of you!

I haven't had a martini since.............yesterday.

At 8:06 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

I think Mistcommunications will soon be audited to make sure a Business Monopoly cannot be gained.
I mean you have practically Cornered the Market on Flossing right?

At 8:13 AM, Blogger maximo said...



At 8:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


The deal was tantalizing, I'm sure. With the phone company, not with me.


He was always unreasonable. He should work on it.


He wouldn't be able to resist me wearing a carcass. It wouldn't be fair to His new girlfriend (who pays her own phone bill).

thy g,

You must be thirsty. Me too.


Why can't I do commercials and non-celebrity endorsements for floss? Sigh.


You're not Him, are you? I didn't mean it. I hope I haven't offended you. I'd like to thank you for the past four years and tell you that you were totally right about the DJ.

At 8:21 AM, Anonymous andy said...


I have been known to put merlot on my toes frequently, yet I somehow think we are talking about different things.

I'm lying. It was gin. And the toes----my liver. (step 3 down.)

At 8:28 AM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

I need to tell my husband that maybe we can, at long last, get a cell phone, if only he'll let me starting dating the right guys.

At 8:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


If you called me from the nail shop and asked, "Gin or Merlot?" I would have answered, "Vodka."


Avoid the DJ, it will only piss your husband off.

At 8:47 AM, Blogger maximo said...

no, i'm not.

i was just trying to decide if i should comment on the last sentence. you know, getting back on your feet versus, um, laying on your, um...

i shut up now.

At 8:55 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

oh no he dihn't! he called you a b*tch? how do you pronounce that anyway? ;)

At 9:06 AM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

One of the guys I'm seeing doesn't like to talk on the phone. EVER. He says he prefers face-to-face communication. So, we do a lot of texting. Like $72 worth last month.

I don't think I can afford him.

At 9:16 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

Yah, I hate that when they lure you in with the absolute necessities of a decent life and then pretend they're doing you some kind of favor.

At 9:21 AM, Blogger Matt-Man said...

It's a shame that the phone isnt rotary becuase then you could ask the judge for dial support...

At 9:58 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm pretty acrobatic. I'm rarely on my back.


You have to make a clicking noise with your tongue.


I insist that "texting" is not a word.


I know. I feel swindled. He says that He feels the same way.


I went with my grandma to BINGO night at the Rotary club once. I didn't use their phone.

At 10:17 AM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

I can't believe he paid your cell phone for years after you broke up! That's committment. . . or stupidity.

At 10:44 AM, Blogger Kara said...

Wow! I can't believe he still paid the bill for 4 years lol :D Kinda odd.

At 10:58 AM, Blogger Diesel said...

As Michael said, it's a shame how the electronics always suffer. It could be worse though. These days there are a lot of cases of cell phone battery.

At 11:01 AM, Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

I still don't own a mobile phone

At 11:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm not known for surrounding myself with smart people.


I don't think he noticed.


Well played.


Call Him. He might get you one.

At 11:28 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Seems like you've got a lot of ex-cons on your staff.

At 11:39 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I have never heard of a 4-year contract for anything. Even 2 years makes me amazingly nervous.

Does He really expect us to believe that He was faithful from hundreds of miles away? Not buying it.

He needs to reactivate your account and buy you an upgrade, or we will send Him back to prison for breach of contract. You could probably get Him for some new shoes, too. And the nail polish they will require.

Sheesh. Some guys.

At 11:54 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I like bad boys.


Am copying and pasting in an email to Him. He will come around.

At 12:21 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

don't forget the collect calls from prison fees, they're expensive!

At 12:56 PM, Blogger Nance said...

Maybe if you offer to shop around for the best deal...on cell providers, that is.

At 1:05 PM, Blogger Tera said...

4 years huh? After THAT long what difference would another 4 make???

At 2:06 PM, Anonymous mac said...

What a tease. String you along for four years then cut you off like that. What a jerk.

At 3:30 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Doesn't he know he can get a better rate if he has more phones in his circle? And come ON, you need an upgraded phone after 4 years. Geez.

At 3:37 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

Dear Ms. Mist,

Could you please provide lesson plans for me on how to get stuff from boys. I personally would like a porsche 911.

let me know.


At 4:09 PM, Blogger brookelina said...

Mist, you are one classy broad.

At 5:58 PM, Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

Wow, cell phone alimony, I'll be...

Wonders..will this make Judge Judy? Will it be aired here in Australia..THAT I won't miss.

At 6:43 PM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

He called you a queen. Thats so sweet. Theres hope yet.

At 7:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I don't accept collect calls.


I love shopping.


That is a really strong argument. Remind me to use that one.


You understand how I feel completely.


Upgrading is what brought it to his attention. I just thought it might slip by like the other four years of bills.


Please buy my instructional DVDs.


Thanks for noticing.


Do you have Judge Judy in Australia? What time is she on? I always miss her here. If she's on a time when I am not napping where you are, maybe I will move.


There is no hope. There has not been hope in four years.

At 7:28 PM, Blogger Turnbaby said...

Holy crap--what WAS his early termination penalty?!?! LOLOL

At 8:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I think I was the early termination.

At 8:14 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

Dear Mist:

Are you currently being represented?

As your former paramour has this pattern of paying for your cell phone without question this should be considered an oral contract that was to continue until properly terminated. Did he give 30 days notice? Additionally, as you are "The Queen of Text Messaging", that would imply he is a former King and therefore financially capable for contributing to your cell phone support, texting included of course. If he indeed is not a King, I believe he has misrepresented himself and you would have a case there as well.

Further, is this guy by chance the other parent to your guinea pig (or any other love child you may have)? If so, I think we may be able to pull "child support" into the picture. After all, how is he to establish a relationship with this alleged "child"?

And finally, I believe this matter may have caused you extensive pain and suffering that can be eased with cold hard cash. Or a monthly extension to your shoe budget.

Should you have any questions or concerns, please call my office.


The Legal Eagle

At 8:24 PM, Blogger Superstar said...

UM I need to figure out HOW you got him to pay for that long!!! OMG I am the one who got stuck w/ all the ex bills...
I need lessons..
Do you have a hand book???
LOL ;o)

At 8:35 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

Matt is teaching mr to br badderer as we speak. A tattoo may be required. He suggests a piece. Your opinion, please?

At 9:02 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


He is no King. He has custody of the cat that was a kitten when we were together. I hope he doesn't leak the Baldwinesque message that I left for the cat last night to the press. It might hurt our case.


Really, he's not that bright. There's no big secret. Just don't get involved with smart men.


You are doped up on pain pills. When you come down, simply ask the tattoo artist to create an image of Holmes on your right shoulder.

At 11:32 PM, Blogger Yas said...

good luck with all that. be sure to throw in punitive damages... i hear it can get you good cash.. ;p

and maybe therapy bills. start dating a dr. it always helps.

At 1:48 AM, Blogger The CEO said...

Once again, your wisdom supercedes all, especially the pain pills, well played!

At 3:10 AM, Blogger Steph said...

What a selfish prick! I suggest you go there and steal his cell phone.
No jury would convict you, surely.

At 4:45 AM, Blogger maximo said...

once again i'm confused. not sure if i should bust a gut or pop a boner.

At 5:37 AM, Blogger Love Monkey said...

I believe the fact he committed to a long cell phone contract constitutes a promise. You have come to depend on this - where before he took out the contract you were happily living without it. He has aided if not instigated your dependency.

Any judge will see that he needs to continue to keep you living in the manner to which you have become accustomed.

Or pay for damages resulting from your dependency.

Or both.

At 7:17 AM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

Where you smart enough to get Firefly phones too? In situations like these, you need child support back up.

At 8:43 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I love how you just casually throw around the term punitive damages. I will remember not to piss you off overly.


I am totally known for my wisdom.


I have the perfect gloves for a robbery. They are red leather and oh, so soft.


You should learn how to multi-task. Why not do both?


I am committing that comment to memory.


No Firefly's for me. I'm on the pill.

At 8:45 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

I look to read about your plea for cell phone alimony in the papers as I am sure it will reach the Supreme Court.

At 12:08 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

i'm sorry but i probably would have done the same thing...minus the b&*#@ word. I don't use that one towards women. But a dude? That's the quickest way to insult another man....

I digress.

At 1:53 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

Dear Mist:

I am convinced our case is still strong, Baldwinesque message leak or not. Of course, said message may effect your shoe budget, at which point you may have to decide what is more important: Cell phone or shoes. I'm sure you'll make the right decision.


The Legal Eagle

At 4:15 PM, Blogger ~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I was about to be thrown out on my butt as far as cell phones go, but then my mother compared the cost to me paying for a single line vs. keeping me in the family plan and she couldn't bear the thought of forcing me to pay that much money for a stinking phone that I rarely use anyway.

You should try getting my mom to adopt you...but, we've already maxed out on the phone lines in our family plan.

At 5:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

q of d,

The Supreme Court will throw my case out. They're not really trying to help women out right now.


I agree wholeheartedly.


I am torn. Okay, shoes come first.


Is you're mom a celebrity? Because I totally am up for a celebrity adoption.

Thanks for coming by.

At 4:32 AM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

How dare he...what was he thinking...4 years is a long time, why your practically married to the phone...I would be having an anaphilatic reaction as I always do...I took a benadril.

At 10:26 AM, Blogger Todd said...

I bet you could auction off a "date with mist1" and pay for your cell for a couple years with the profits.

Just be careful, I tried to finance my first car with a kissing booth and wound up with mouth herpes.

Thanks a lot mom.

At 1:47 PM, Blogger Queen of the Mayhem said...

Good luck with your case! While I am not a lawyer, I have a really good feeling about your chances!

At 3:20 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I wonder if I slipped him a few Benadryl if he would be groggy enough to not cancel my contract.


I think the date is a great idea. I don't think herpes is such a great idea.

q of m,

Do you play a lawyer on TV?

At 3:37 PM, Blogger historymike said...

Nobody had anything to say about the feelings of that poor cell phone, stuck in the middle of a bitter custody dispute.

BTW - I vote for the Merlot. If Prohibition ever came back, you'd have something to tide you over until the backyard stills get up and running.

At 4:00 PM, Blogger Pawlie Kokonuts said...

So, he's neither a cellmate anymore nor on parole; leaves one speechless...or at least leaves you speechless (except for blogging).

At 4:51 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...


Four years are up, snap! Well, atleast you managed to keep your dignity in order during your conversation with Him :|

At 5:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I hope the judge puts the cell phone between the two of us in court and asks us to each call it. Then, we can see who has the better ring tone.

Of course, how will I call it?


I have only been speechless twice in my life. Even when I lose my voice, I still pantomime.


I lost my dignity a long time ago. I think it ran away with my virginity.

At 6:28 PM, Blogger Tracey said...

Oh, Rich Girl Red over merlot, any day of the week!

At 6:44 PM, Blogger Todd said...

I forgot to mention, you sound just as sexy on the phone as you do online ;)

At 7:21 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

You will SO win this case.

He created this situation and got you used to a certain "lifestyle".

He'll have to pay.

At 7:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Exactly. I don't even drink merlot, unless mouthwash is my only other option. Even then.


Thanks for noticing.


I cannot be expected to lessen my talk time. In fact, this has made me talk more.

At 8:12 PM, Blogger Janet said...

First of all let me say, 94 comments!? All about the visitation rights to a cell phone? Are they all part of your network?:)

As for cell phone I only have one comment. Text messaging can bite you in the ass, big time.

That is all.

At 8:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I must get a network. They will all be subpoenaed.

Thanks for coming by.

At 5:30 AM, Anonymous Jennifer said...

I felt sorry after reading your story. You had a good long-distance relationship with your friend and it shouldn't have broken because of a trivial issue.Long-distance relationships are time-tested and requires trust and lot of nurturing from both sides. Anyways, wishing u good luck so that u make more friends in your life.

At 7:09 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


That's the last time I have a long distance relationship. I wish he would move away again.

At 6:09 PM, Blogger Stepping Over the Junk said...

And to think, he's probably been tracking you and your calls all these years since he's been still getting the bills!

At 6:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


He has three cell phones of his own to keep track of. I'm not sure that he even noticed.


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Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

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