On the Clock
Last night, the girls and I went speed dating. I thought that I would be a natural at speed dating. On average, my relationships last around 28 minutes.
The first 12 minutes are excellent. I bat my eyelashes, coquettishly make sure that my g-string is showing ever so slightly, talk about myself, have a drink, play with a stray curl, suck the pimento out an olive seductively, talk about myself some more, and excuse myself to the restroom to reapply my lip gloss and practice the look that I do that says, "I am incredibly interested in everything you have to say and I swear I am not thinking about what I am going to wear with the turquoise canvas platforms with the cork heel that I just bought, which was the reason that I was late in the first place. Plus, they were on sale."
The remaining 16 minutes of my relationships are divided between sticking my tongue down his throat and trying to remember his name. If things go well, I might talk about myself a little bit more and give him that look that I do that says, "I am incredibly interested in everything you have to say, however we will not be going home together tonight. I'm sorry, what kind of car did you say you drive?"
Speed dating only allows five minutes to get to know someone. That's just enough time for introductions and to squeeze out a courteous, "it's not you, it's me" or "we can still be friends." At the end of the evening, we compared notes. We learned a lot about how to date in five minutes.
Courtney: Learned that it is hard to fake a career in real estate when face to face with a Realtor, but that faking an accent helps smooth things over.
Joelle: Learned that even if dressed conservatively, she can still leave the bar with a really, really attractive soccer player. She is about to learn that even if I promise not to leave her car in the parking lot over night, I am lying.
Karon: Learned that when she sees her ex-boyfriend's truck in the parking lot, it's a pretty good clue that he's close by.
I learned that telling men that I came for the speed and not so much for the dating, while picking imaginary bugs off my skin, isn't a good opening line.
I thought it was pretty good.