On the Clock
Last night, the girls and I went speed dating. I thought that I would be a natural at speed dating. On average, my relationships last around 28 minutes.The first 12 minutes are excellent. I bat my eyelashes, coquettishly make sure that my g-string is showing ever so slightly, talk about myself, have a drink, play with a stray curl, suck the pimento out an olive seductively, talk about myself some more, and excuse myself to the restroom to reapply my lip gloss and practice the look that I do that says, "I am incredibly interested in everything you have to say and I swear I am not thinking about what I am going to wear with the turquoise canvas platforms with the cork heel that I just bought, which was the reason that I was late in the first place. Plus, they were on sale."
The remaining 16 minutes of my relationships are divided between sticking my tongue down his throat and trying to remember his name. If things go well, I might talk about myself a little bit more and give him that look that I do that says, "I am incredibly interested in everything you have to say, however we will not be going home together tonight. I'm sorry, what kind of car did you say you drive?"
Speed dating only allows five minutes to get to know someone. That's just enough time for introductions and to squeeze out a courteous, "it's not you, it's me" or "we can still be friends." At the end of the evening, we compared notes. We learned a lot about how to date in five minutes.
Courtney: Learned that it is hard to fake a career in real estate when face to face with a Realtor, but that faking an accent helps smooth things over.
Joelle: Learned that even if dressed conservatively, she can still leave the bar with a really, really attractive soccer player. She is about to learn that even if I promise not to leave her car in the parking lot over night, I am lying.
Karon: Learned that when she sees her ex-boyfriend's truck in the parking lot, it's a pretty good clue that he's close by.
I learned that telling men that I came for the speed and not so much for the dating, while picking imaginary bugs off my skin, isn't a good opening line.
I thought it was pretty good.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:58 AM
85 Comments:
I guess it just depended on how hard you were picking at your skin. Perhaps you were too convincing...
michael,
Perhaps the bugs were just a little too real. You're so right.
ok,
courtney's lesson, good to know. may come in handy. joelle's lesson, no sinfully fun deed goes unpunished. karon, duhhh. did you at least get in a good bar brawl?
and mist dear. i am convinced that there was an inferior batch of men available that night. any man of quality would have recognised you and worshipped you accordingly.
lol, men are such pussys ;-)
Regardless, it was still pure, tortured comic brilliance! It makes me want to pick bugs off my skin at work tomorrow. Thanks for the inspiration! Things have been slow there lately...
Sounds like the Dukes of Hazard would have loved you.
Damnit, the bastards kicked me out of the college and I had to break into my house.
Speed dating would make me very nervous. I'm not good at faking things and if you only get five minutes, it seems like you'd have to fake it.
Hmmm... interesting. You could have made it really interesting for the men and said that you came for the dates and not so much the speed, (but that might be an Australian term only).
I could handle the bugs. It wouldn't be a deal breaker. I might even jump in and start grooming you. I try to be helpful.
Any guy who doesn't like that line won't appreciate your sense of humour.
You probably should have talked about yourself some more. That was clearly lacking.
While speed dating in the past, I find it incredably important to drop their pants before we talk so I am not waisting my 5 min.
How could you fail? How many dates you got?
Actually, that sounds like a pretty good opening line to me - you know how men like to fix things...
Puss
Some of those bugs weren't imaginary.
It does not sound fun to sit in front of a bunch of desperate men. However, I am getting near the stage where it might be nice to have a man look at me in any other way than the status quo.
Speed dating eh? I don't think us men would be too good at it....
I can't get past the turquoise canvas shoes with the cork heel, who needs a date with shoes like that.
I would have swooned.
"The remaining 16 minutes of my relationships are divided between sticking my tongue down his throat and trying to remember his name."
FWIW, I don't care if you remember my name if the tongue is good.
Does speed dating include quickies?
Those shoes sound divine. Don't waste them on losers.
i can't bring myself to speed date. as you mentioned, i also can do that just fine on my own.
would love to know more about karon's lesson, though...sounds interesting.
"I came for the speed, not so much for the dating".... Damn, I love that line.
Hey if they can't handle the opening line - then all they are good for is a quickie anyway.
Interesting. I might have to try this.
I dunno, some dudes are really into pillheads, so the speed joke might work. If you could take out a molar to enhance the act, it would be a slam dunk if there were any hunky meth addicts there.
I like speed dating. I need just 3-4 minutes to know if they're worth my while. Efficient!
Oooh! I just bought red canvas shoes with a cork heel!! Perhaps I should go speed dating in them!
Certainly 5 minutes is not enough time to let a man know that it is all about you. Bag the speed dating and tell Karon never to date a man with a truck.
heather,
We thought about a bar brawl, but I wasn't in my brawling shoes.
michael,
When in doubt, pick at bugs.
eric,
I never got kicked out of college. I've been kicked out of several other places.
churlita,
It's amazing what you can fake in five minutes.
sheila,
So did I. Apparently, we have finely evolved senses of humor.
tim,
I don't like dates. I do like figs.
capt. smack,
I am imagining our first date to be a little like the primate house at the zoo.
phishez,
Exactly. They're not ready.
sqt,
Next time, I'm going to hand out a tri-fold brochure about me for them to read later.
tellin,
Why didn't I think of that?
akelamalu,
I think I got a date in rehab.
puss,
Gawd. Maybe I'm lucky that I sucked at it so badly.
fab,
You see them too.
c,
I hadn't considered that they were looking me over. I thought I was checking them out.
paz,
You all would be perfect for speed dating. If you would just learn to sit there and look pretty.
es,
You really should see them.
av,
I would have told you that I can make a mean 1lb cheeseburger. Then, you would be mine. I would, of course, be lying.
nwjr,
What was your name again?
wreck,
No. That's real dating.
fringes,
Turquoise. I love turquoise shoes.
hello,
For the record, we have no idea who wrote obscenities in lipstick on his truck.
tera,
Confession: The shoes rub my heels just a bit. They are sit down shoes.
jazz,
I'm glad you liked it. It didn't go over that well.
cheeky,
And drinks. They're good for a drink too.
karma,
Speed or dating?
furious,
I am pretty attached to my teeth.
rhea,
That's impressive.
lcg,
Ooooh, red.
tallulah,
Do you understand how hard it is not to date a man with a truck here in the Dirty South?
Isn't an overnight parking ticket expected as like Karmic debt or something??
By the time I figured out you were lying, I'd already be in your clutches.
I had a speed date once, but I apologized and lasted longer the next time...
Yeah - PERFECT opening line.
And I'm truly surprised that you can't fake stuff with a real estate agent. But then, I'm a real estate agent who has had to fake a lot of stuff on a date...so now I'm all freakin' confused....
Must get more coffee.
Would you really want a 28 minute relationship with someone that doesn't have a sense of humor? Me either.
Some friends and I did that once. I didn't like it. I justed wanted to get drunk and rock out.
Most of those people at speed dating are too desperate and have kids. They are so busy trying to analyze to see if you're serious and mature they forget to have fun.
I'm having a rilly hard time picturing Av "Swooning"
k-a-r-o-n is an interesting way to spell a name. it reminds me of charon--in greek mythology, ferryman of the dead. if you were feeling particularly catty, you could call her "death warmed over". that would be hot. or a least warm.
britt,
I feel so at one with the Universe when you put it like that.
av,
Your lust for ground beef and melted cheese is your weakness.
his sin,
Let me guess, you said, "I'm sorry, this um, er...has never happened before."
tigger,
She didn't get the chance to fake much else with him. Five minutes were up.
mutt,
I can tolerate a lot in 28 minutes.
nolff,
I am totally serious and mature. Also, I wanted to get drunk and rock out.
scotts,
Av is irresistible when he gets weak in the knees.
maximo,
I am not one to judge names. I call her Kay-Ron. She doesn't love it.
I don't speed date but I did speed-marry. I got divorced after three months.
-N
natalia,
Did the divorce take longer than the marriage?
ha ha - speed dating sounds similar to any night at a local bar.
karmyn,
Oh, it is so much less amusing because you have to pay for it.
It's not a "good" opening line, it's GREAT!
But then again... it's not you, it's me.
You shall surely always be single Mist. You'll be happy, but single. What a twisted mind you have. Have a great day Mist. :)
I'm not very good at dating. Speed might loosen me up though..I should check into this..
mojo,
Wow, that was quick. Are you sure it's not me?
comedy,
Single Mist sounds like an adult beverage. You can also get a Blended Mist.
susan,
I've got lots more tips, just in case you need them. I can't say that they're helpful, but still, they are tips.
I think I would have only tried speed dating for a joke. The prospect of being saddled up to a table with stranger after stranger is awful. There is barely anytime to even overcome the awkwardness. Your idea was a brilliant way to do that though.
miss,
It turns out that people who are taking it seriously don't like the people who aren't taking it seriously. I did not meet my soul mate.
Did you blame the scratching and picking on the crabs? I find that talking about your past/present STD's helps get a guys juices flowing!
yes. i don't think i will attempt speed dating with out a back up plan. I would ask, so where are you taking me on vacation? How is the wife? :lol:
5 minutes is about perfect for my dating lifespan. I'm easily distracted by shiny things and would get bored easily if I had 10 minutes.
Floss?! Darn I always forget step # 2! ~ jb///
jenny,
I love seafood.
melanie,
You're so considerate to ask questions. I just talk about myself.
wg,
There was a guy with a shiny head there. I found him to be distracting.
lz,
I know. That's why it's on my list.
Let's be honest here; things were so weird because you didn't have on a shirt, did you?
I'm impressed. Your relationships last twice as long as mine!
b. port,
I usually wear a shirt in public. It's the pants that I have a hard time remembering.
danj,
I am thinking about going into relationship counseling.
I've never actually done speed dating, but I think I would learn that 5 minutes is more than enough time to determine someone is a douchebag. It is also enough time to play footsie under the table. I think I need to find some speed dating events...
mindy,
Maybe I went about it all wrong. I didn't experience douche or footsie.
can married people sign up for speed dating? because that sounds like it would be pretty fun. :)
miztris,
I don't see why not.
i would have loved that pick up line... bugs bugs...
Funny thing. I was talking to a friend of mine about speed dating today. Him and I decided that we should do it only to figure out that it may not be good for us to go in there together. We may give people the wrong impression
I love it!! I guess it was at least worth it if you got material out of it. Plus I can totally see myself back in the day thinking more about my shoes and how cute they were than any guy I was with. Tee Hee.
Hey - you can lie before the guy has a chance to even find holes in your story!
edtime,
So, it wasn't too much? Good. I was worried about pushing the limits.
misstress,
I think that would be ideal. I would tell people that he was my ex-husband and if things didn't work out with speed dating, we were going home together to give it another shot.
adw,
I can't help it. I even think about shoes during sex. I wonder if I am wearing the right pair for the situation.
monkey,
Five minutes isn't enough time for anyone to be finding any holes. Maybe 7.5 minutes.
I really want to try speed dating before I get married. I think it'd be a good ego boost :)
todd,
I think marriage is a huge ego boost. Lots of people want to spend five minutes with me, but no one, absolutely no one wants to be with me 'til death do us part.
Clearly I'm not doing enough with my life. Then again, i don't wanna. I'm just gonna sit back and keep enjoying yours :) lol
You do life better than anyone I know I think.
Speed dating is pretty super for those of us who, like me, pretty much jump to conclusions about people from the first minute of conversations. I kind of want to go with a group of friends, sit near each other, and spend the majority of the speed-dates winking across at my friends in a flirtatious way.
Well if he's not there for the speed too...wtf? right i mean you know he's not going to be worth your time! ;-P
echo,
I like it here.
constance,
I should have brought my really judgemental friend along. That would have been fun.
nofear,
Everyone is there for the speed.
I love shoe sales.
1,
Well done.
essa,
Me too. Me too.
0,
Thank you. I'm in no condition to courtesy right now, but I swear, if I could, I would.
Getting divorced was easier than getting married.
-N
natalia,
People should register for gifts when they get divorced not when they get married. The way I see it, someone's going to be out a toaster or a bread maker or gravy boat or something.
I think a great opener would be that little skirt trick you do, where you bend down to pick something up and the skirt gets caught under your heel. Show'em what you're workin' with... ;)
tammie,
I am trying desperately not to do that in front of anyone ever again. At least, not anyone with eyes.
It's so embarassing..i think. but it make sense a bit.
It's so embarassing..
patrick,
Sadly, I am rarely embarrassed. I've gotten numb to that feeling.
I could never do speed dating. You've got some balls ;)
orhan,
I like to talk and I have a short attention span. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Post a Comment