Herbalist
Yesterday, I wrote about my affinity for eating animals. I wasn't always like this.Once, I was much more in touch with the Universe. I was dating an herbalist (of sorts). He believed in the awesome powers of botany and loved all of G*d's furry creatures. He wore hemp jewelry and abhorred people who wore fur and leather. He bought unbleached toilet paper. He had a magic stone that he rubbed under his arms in an attempt to neutralize his natural pungent body odor, which was reminiscent of cat urine.
He began to encourage me to adopt some of his natural ways. I grew accustomed to drinking my water at room temperature. I cut refined sugars out of my diet. I bought cruelty free hair and body products. I even started taking the pill because I don't want to have the weight of contributing unnecessary latex to landfills.
Together, we gave up red meat. Then, we cut out poultry and later, fish. Dairy products were the next to be eliminated from our diets. We stopped eating honey, not wanting to exploit the labor of bees. We even stopped doing it doggy style so as not to offend canine beings.
All this was strangely okay with me. I recognized that his refusal to blow his nose so as not to disrupt a colony of bacteria in his sinuses was a bit odd, but I was blinded by malnutrition and high on his special herbal concoctions. We might still be together if he had not found a pair of snakeskin heels in my closet.
He was disgusted with me and the carcasses of animals that I wore on my feet. I argued that animals are natural and protective not to mention fashionable. He gave me an ultimatum; I had a choice, synthetic man-made shoes or he walked out in his Birkenstocks.
I chose shoes. He called me a murderer.
I reminded him that arsenic is natural.
We broke up. I went shoe shopping.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:20 AM
93 Comments:
I'm a carnivore. I've been vegetable and fruit free since 1998. Of course I'm losing my vision and I can't stand up straight, my arteries are clogged and I have an odd color to my flesh, but...what was I talking about?
I'm a vegetarian with vegan tendencies, but my karma is much more tainted than most - I need all the dietary cleansing I can get...
We have something over here (in Belgium) which bizarrly enough is called 'Steak Americaine' it's basically raw stek minced, the freshest and the best, alongside you add pickles, spices, a raw egg, mayonnaise, oh and chips on the side. It is delicious and it is comletly raw when you eat it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steak_tartare for a closer look, the picture top right is how it looks when served. If you ever get to visiting Brussels, let me know and I'll take you out for one.
I wear actual animals on my feet. I won't lie to you, it's a challenge.
Good choice Mist, Shoe shopping is a cure-all!
Even giving up honey from my breakfast...I can't imagine anyone going that far.
Being from Belgium myself, I do recommend the above mentioned steak. I'm not one for raw meat, but if it's well preparred steak americaine can be very delicious!
I'll bet he was hiding at least one pair of leather birks in the back of his closet ;)
michael,
You are welcome to worship the G*d of your choice here. I don't care if it's animal, vegetable, or tofu.
his sin,
I try not to do any dietary cleansing. I'm against it. Like ethnic cleansing.
honey,
Did you say pickles?
mr. fab,
I've seen you mount animals before. You are very talented.
akelamalu,
I already forgot why I was shopping for shoes. It must have worked.
fab,
How do you think the bees feel about you?
fiona,
I think his closet was the trunk of his car.
Men come and go, but a pair of beautiful shoes last until they die.
phishez,
I just lost a pair of sequined sandals to my cat. Sigh.
This post reminded me of just how hard it is to make love last in this crazy topsy-turvy world.
And it reminded me of how dirty hippies are.
You're a tolerant woman, Mist. I would have drawn the line at not getting it from behind.
Puss
Ah, now the whole raw meat thing makes sense! It started out as a subconscious sadistic cannibalistic revenge ritual, and now its just habit.
Awesome. Once again, you've confirmed your coolness in my eyes. Can I be you?
peter,
I am always good for a romantic post.
av,
No comment.
puss,
Tolerance is my middle name. Or is it vodka?
rachel,
I have never been cool. I have been cold.
Rachel can't be you; i want to be you! hope you bought lots of shoes :)
Rachel can't be you; i want to be you! hope you bought lots of shoes :)
Aaaaaaaah, shoes, your one true love. Retail therapy cures most ills.
Glad you didn't fight him for the Birkenstocks.
Ugh! He totally would have lost me with the bodily stench, and the smell of cat urine is fuc*ing hurlage!!!
Excuse me while I dry heave
I did the whole stinky hippie thing once... for about a week... then I got the sense beaten back into me by a group of wandering Hell's Angels... I still send them cards every christmas - thanking them for saving me from myself.
I thought you hated condoms?
You made the right choice. Man who smells like cat urine = bad.
-AD
I have tried being a vegetarian, but I missed medium rare prime rib too much.
One of the best jobs I ever had was as a waiter in a high-end steakhouse. Every day at 10:00 am the managers performed a taste test on all the menu items, and I got to gorge myself on prime rib, filet mignon, strip steak, and salmon as soon as they cut off the perfunctory tasting slice.
Hey - it's a hierarchy, and the wait staff must suffer some indignities to eat like a king.
This would be an Atkins groupee's wet dream, were it not for the fact that I also scarfed items such as buttered croissants, carrot cake, and fried calamari at the same time.
Plus the daily fish specials, soups, and anything else I could feed the ravenous beast that is my stomach.
I'm all for having sex with animals, Mist1.
Reminds me of this hippy girlfriend I had in college who also smelled like cat urine. That Thompson's Toothpaste didn't help her breath, either.
Btw, I'm an omnivore, people.
Mist,
The bees appreciate it when someone enjoys the fruit of their hard work. Why else would they work so hard? So I have something sweet to start my day!
Maybe you should have worked out a compromise with him. You owned the purse (leather) strings, money talks.
I'm worried about you and the cat urine thing. The first C.U. post you mentioned eat/tasting it, 'artificial sweeteners taste like powdered cat urine and bubble bath,' four (4) since back in March.
Shoes are supposed to be leather as a rule, that should have been the compromise. And they're your healthy thing (41 posts).
Besides those plastic shoes get to smelling like cat urine very soon.
..
cg,
You all can take turns. I'd like Wednesday's off.
wg,
I fought him over the alfalfa sprouts.
tera,
It would creep on him over the course of the day.
mr. g,
They don't call them angels for nothing.
amber,
Detest them.
mike,
No wet dreams allowed on the Fatkin's Diet. You have to watch your electrolytes, after all.
matt,
I don't know Thompson's. I do know Tom's of Maine.
fab,
And that would explain why they have stingers...to show appreciation.
jim,
I am sensitive to cat urine.
It's amazing to me that we seem to have met all the same people.
Yeah well, they have to be able to protect themselves. It's not like they can handle little tools or show their teeth to frighten others off.
What I'm I going on about? I hate bees!
...but I do love their sweet sweet honey...
i am so thankful you are free of that monster!
I would have kicked him to the curb when he told me I coudn't eat cheese anymore. No one f*cks with my cheese.
I would have kicked him to the curb when he told me I coudn't eat cheese anymore. No one f*cks with my cheese.
You know following the natural lineage here, doggy style is actually the most natural. Humans are the only animals that perform missionary position or reverse cowgirl for that matter...well, except monkeys, they love them some reverse cowmonkey.
There are few things in this world quite as awesome as a big ol' slab of red RARE meat sitting on your plate.
Mmmmmmmmm!!!
As I've said frequently, "If it's wrong to eat animals, why are they so darn tasty?"
I have no quarrels with vegetarians/vegans/herbalists, etc... but hey, there's something wrong with ya'll. :-)
I have a love hate relationship with bees as well..I love the honey and I hate that I'm allergic to bee stings..sucks being me :P
Hell, I'd eat people if they would let me.
Allergies are awful. In Michigan they are considering a law that will prohibit people from smoking in bars and restaurants. I know some people will yell at me, but I hope it passes. There is nothing like sitting in a restaurant "no smoking" section and looking over three feet at the smokers in the smoking section. If the smoke would obey the barrier, I would be okay with it. But...
As a confirmed carnivore, I applaud your pro-animal diet.
Shoes and deodorant: my final frontier. Oh, and mascara. Those are deal-breakers.
You made the right choice. I can only stand "those people" so long. I live with two vegetarians, but they're cool ones, not trying to force their ways upon me. Of course, I slip meat into their noodles when they're not looking.
The stone deodorant thing would have made me get out, but OMG, he had the gall to even THINK about criticizing your shoes?
NEVER get between a woman and her shoes.
synthetic shoes??? You gotta be kidding. Good choice.
I can tolerate vegetarians, I cannot tolerate vegans. I just can't.
I tried the stone deoderant for awhile. I quit when I decided it wasn't working anymore.
I also have tried being a vegetarian. Once for personal reasons, once because I was dating one and I didn't want to smooch on him with meat breath. I got over it quick when he stopped calling and the prime rib at work as $4.
I like my Toms of Maine toothpaste though. I can't help it. Living in So Cal, I have to have some granola tendencies.
historymike said "Buttered Croissants" and now I don't remember why I am here.
Ah, true love.
(of shoes).
I told the loving wife when our dog dies we should take her to a taxidermist, get her stuffed and put her next to the fireplace. We can make jerky from her meat and then she will be with us always.
Now we don't do it doggy style anymore. She is afraid what I might do is she passes first.
Note to self:
Check spelling of witty post before moving on.
I meant pork tartare. A-duh!
Re todays post:
I had a stinky guy once - he wanted me to lay my head on his shoulder and I gagged. Yuck!
Girl you are a trooper! I don't know if I could have hung in there for so long! The shoes sound like they were hot!
When it came down to it, I think you made the right choice. Just hearing what you have to go through, to not be disrespectful to nature, PISSED me off!
Am I a murderer as well?
- Trew Life
Okay, I'm will to give up a few things for a significant other... but soap is not one of them!
If I ever dated a girl and found a 'wash rock' I would just leave. Get up and walk away shaking my head...
Why is it you never see a healthy looking vegetarian? You made the right choice. Any man who would make you choose between him and snakeskin heels is obviously irrational, insane and stupid if he thinks he's going to win that one.
Hands down Men vs. Shoes...
Shoes will win EVERYTIME!!!
~claps hands~
I first misread it as your finding a pair of snakeskin heels in his closet. That would have brought you closer instead of driving you apart, I'd imagine.
karma,
I am following you.
fab,
I thought I told you never to call me Sweet Sweet Honey on the blog.
hello,
Also, you should see my shoes.
lcg,
I'll remember that if we're ever at a holiday party lingering around the cheese plate.
furious,
The monkey I slept with was total prude.
andy,
Let me guess, your favorite animal is steak.
schmoe,
How come you're not allergic to honey too?
stewart,
You can eat people, just don't keep bits of them in the fridge. That's how people end up getting caught.
nwjr,
Thank you. I only eat cute animals.
nance,
I have mascara rules. No one is allowed to borrow my mascara.
flenker,
My grandmother made me a salad once. She used a pork chop as the bowl.
tigger,
Apparently, if I had been wearing shoes made of magic stones, I would be a better person. My toes would also always be delightfully fresh smelling.
pool,
Not like Aqua-socks, like all man made uppers.
amp,
You're vegan intolerant. A lot of people are.
gina,
I used to save the tubes and mail them back to the company for recycling.
scotts,
Historymike buttered my croissants once.
jay,
You teared up a little, didn't you?
blitz,
If you need a good taxidermist, let me know. My uncle mounts animals.
stacy,
But, he was an artist.
jali,
I'd be afraid that my hair would absorb the smell.
paula,
Clearly, there could only be one reason that I hung in there for that long.
trew,
It depends on how many bodies are in the trunk of your car.
flynn,
What about a wash stick? Would that be okay?
legal,
I was on the healthy side of gaunt.
super,
I'm starting to feel bad for men. When I feel bad, I like to shop for shoes.
fringes,
No. Then I would have really used the arsenic.
Oh Mist... My first thought as you were giving up all that is dear to you (forgot about the shoes at first), is that this guy must be a really good lay. Smells, but a good lay. Apparently that wasn't the case. You were so right to kick him to the curb. Shoes are always more important than a man. Always! :)
Okay I might be able to give up meat (I did one time when I was asian for like a year, Deciding that no one really believe that I was Asian, I decided that I could at least eat chicken. I could even try to run herbs, stones, aluminum foil under my arms, but I could never give up condoms or doggy style!! It is against my relgion of sorts...
Just Bee sting venom...honey would be a different allergy..thankfully I don't have that!
comedy,
My shoes never drink the last beer.
tellin,
Your religion sounds like a tolerant faith.
schmoe,
I see. As you can tell, I'm not a physician.
I knew him, too. His body odors were beyond the ministrations of deodorant or toothpaste, but the mere suggestion of them offended him because they were not "natural."
It was then that I began to revise my uncritical love of Nature.
hearts,
Nothing like a little too much nature to help you to appreciate all things unnatural.
I'm amazed you didn't just kill him and use his hide for shoe leather. There's not a jury in the land that would have convicted you.
That asterisk is cute.
Yes, that crystal to the armpit stuff is such hooey. The stink, she remains.
I wanted a Birkenstock man, but not at the expense of my bacon!
HEY! I don't swing that way!
"He had a magic stone that he rubbed under his arms in an attempt to neutralize his natural pungent body odor, which was reminiscent of cat urine."
Ok, that would have been an absolute deal breaker for me right there. EEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!
Somehow it always comes back to the shoes. Always. Men will never understand that.
grunt,
Maybe I should call him. I could use a new pair of sandals. I think his tanned hide would really accent my ankles.
wave,
Isn't it?
jocelyn,
Who is the marketing genius behind that one?
lex,
I'm not sure that it's possible to have both.
fab,
The all caps part demonstrates your defensiveness.
attila,
I am a gracious individual.
nina,
My shoes and I are in a deeply committed relationship.
LOL....
I'm about to go on a detox cleanse again - that means I have to divorce my two vices: coffee and alcohol...
Maybe I should go meet the shoe shops at the mall...
Veganism is NOT the way to go.
Earthy Crunchy people can take it way too far.., but if we were cannibals...I bet they would taste good!!
1,
Regardless, it's good to have you back!
i would have drawn the line at giving up doggy style.
I applaud your love of shoes (and red meat). Nothing like a juicy Filet and some Manolos to get me goin'!
L.O.L.
That guy sounds like a consummate jagoff.
I'm trying to cultivate my judgemental side.
Now I feel bad for making my cats and my leather jackets co-exist.
I never wanted to intimidate them with my wearing of animal skins! That must have been horrible for them to have to adjust to.
Thanks for opening my mind a little more today. I'll go let the dust settle.
Yo man, that dude's a hypocrite anyway. Birkenstocks=leather, leather=dead cows. His smelly ass should be walking around barefoot- or would that disturb the bacteria on his feet?
I would be vegetarian if meat didnt taste so nice. And live without leather? Whats the point of wasting the cows skin when McDonalds was going to kill the cow anyway? I have an unnatural love of suede (the leather stuff, not the turnip) so that hemp wearing hippy would have to go
The best response I ever heard from a vegetarian who was questioned about her lifestyle choice was: I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. Those f**kers have had it coming for a long time.
I'm betting the guy in this post was some type of tantric sex master, because short of a 90 minute orgasm I can't imagine why you put up with the magical stone deoderant.
nofear,
Please send your alcohol to me since you won't be needing it.
silver,
I don't know. I wore gauntness well.
tom,
Too lean.
0,
Where did I go?
jen,
You are a woman who can stand by her convictions.
blonde,
That is what my fantasies are made of.
dawn,
I can laugh about it now too, but it was a really tough choice for me at the time. I couldn't decide between leather or croc heels.
lbb,
I don't have a nonjudgemental side.
eric,
I don't think your cats mind. Unless your jackets are made out of cat hide.
paz,
Why'd you have to go and make me think about foot bacteria? Now, I have to skip dinner tonight.
plump,
McDonalds should totally start a leather clothing line.
grad,
Oh, was he ever...
I bet that guy had the best weed though. ;)
I don't have any problem going vegan -- but if they mess with my shoes, out they go.
There are other men in this world. Don't sweat it. He stinks anyway.
No deordorant would be be a deal breaker for me.
Period.
miztris,
Weed and sex. That's about all he had to offer.
curiosity,
It took me four pair of shoes to get over him. I really felt strongly about him.
pissy,
I admire that quality in you. I noticed that you don't stink at all.
Arsenic's always been considered a decidedly lower-class and vulgar way to bump anyone off.
The upper classes always used cyannide.
Just thought I'd let you know
for the record & all that ...
g
gled,
You're right. I should be a classier murderer to throw the authorities off. They'd never assume it was me with cyanide.
Oh man. I just posted about my deodorizing angst and here you are! Yeah. Men stink. They definitely smell much worse than we do.
caroline,
Still, I kind of like their stink.
We stopped eating honey, not wanting to exploit the labor of bees.
If I had a time machine I would totally go back into the past and stab you, muchly. Then wait till the evening news turn up, plug MY blog(s) then come back to my awesome future. Unfortunetly you will be dead, so there will be those moments were I may shed a tear. But.. BEES? WTF. I hate P.E.T.A for the simple fact that they want to release all animals, inculding bees, freely into society. Oh, and they support eco-terrorism. True story. They're like Greenpeace with the Mafia know how.
orhan,
Would you really cry? You're so sensitive.
I knew men like that, but couldn't date them. I like meat and leather too much.
velvet,
So, did you eat them or just break their hearts?
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