My Left Eye
I keep four things of value in my car. There is a bottle of perfume in the glove box so that I don't smell like a bar when I get to the bar. I think it covers up the smell nicely, if only for a minute. I keep flossers in easy reach because I abhor stuff in between my teeth. I have a tweezer in the car for those pesky stray brows that pop up in between threading appointments and for that one hair on my chin that will not die (I blame the pill because, clearly, I am much too adorable to be growing a chin hair without the influence of hormones). Most importantly, I keep a lighter in my car. I use my lighter to sterilize the tweezers to prevent any hideous eye infection which could render me blind or horribly disfigured.I have learned a valuable lesson. Apparently, over the weekend, it was very, very hot here in the Dirty South. I left my car parked in full sun while I escaped to the lake. Yesterday, when I got in the car, I noticed my tweezers were on the driver's seat. Fragments of green plastic were scattered throughout the vehicle. Because I completed a correspondence course in forensics and also, sometimes I watch crime shows on A & E, I was able to put the clues together. My lighter exploded in the heat, sending my tweezers sailing out of their place in the pocket in the driver's side door. I am fortunate that no one was hurt.
I was in the right place at the right time. I'm not sure where I was or what time it was when I got there, but I narrowly avoided tragedy. I could have died. Even worse, I could have been maimed.
From the trajectory path of the tweezers, I was able to determine that I would have possibly lost my left eye. I am predominantly left eyed and this would have been disastrous for me. I rely on my left eye when I am drunk and I see two of everything. I simply close the offending right eye and all of a sudden, the world is back to normal. My left eye is the eye of reason.
Still, I think I would be sexy in an eye patch. I will not remove the matches from my car. There may or may not be bottle rockets in the trunk.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:00 AM
94 Comments:
I need to learn from your mistake. I don't keep tweezers in my car but I do keep perfume and floss in there (and there's a lighter as well). I need to be careful that the floss doesn't strangle me if that lighter ever explodes.
This is exactly why I keep only old hamburger wrappers in my car. They don't explode for at least six months, and the worst I can get is a paper cut.
Johnny Depp and the Pirates movies have really brought the eye patch back in style, so really just lose the right eye and practice going Arrrrgh after everything you say...oh and buy some rum Arrrgh
i say wear the patch even if the eye is fine. You can get sympathy from other women when you tell them your tragic story, and you can suduce the men with your wild side:)
airam,
Where do you keep your tweezers?
sheila,
I don't like you in that way. No offense. Maybe we could have some drinks first.
fringes,
I almost died from a paper cut once.
tom,
I don't say Arrrgh well. It's just not me.
kris,
I had to wear a patch once after an unfortunate incident with a diamond and a spot of rust. I didn't know how to work it back then. Now, I would be totally fierce.
You are insane. But at least it's the talented kind of insane.
Hey a pink diamond bejeweled eye patch would soooo be sexy.....and I know you could work it baby
Thank god you were spared from a lifetime of being blind drunk.
I never thought about which of my eyes was dominant until just now and I had to walk away from this experience reassuring my computer monitor that I'm not winking at it, and I'm really into women. Human women. Despite any "cyber" experience it may or may not think we've had.
Catastrophe averted! You should have another vodka tonic to celebrate.
So, you tweeze while driving? Last week, a girl sat next to me at LAX and began tweezing herself. She was still doing it when we boarded, but she was not the pilot.
One of my all time favorite movie characters is the insane Elle Driver from Kill Bill. You know, Darryl Hannah in an eyepatch?
Wouldn't it be great to wear an eyepatch like her and act totally nuts? Imagine how fun it would be to go to a bar and scare a bunch of free drinks out of everyone.
There's nothing sexier than a girl with an eyepatch. No eyepatches is ok, two eyepatches is just silly, but one eyepatch is sexy.
OOH, you live so dangerously!
When I get drunk I sometimes have the urge to read. Which is quite entertaining for everybody else because I have to shut my right eye (turns out I'm right handed, left eyed). But I can't read without poking my tongue out.
Its a pointless exercise anyway. Anything I read goes somewhere that is only accessible when I'm completely incapacitated and incapable of speech.
LOL
I had a similar experience but it was a glass bottle of orange juice lefdt to ferment all weekend. It exploded as I was driving, tearing a hole in the back of the driver's seat. THank goodness I'd stoed it in the back floorboard!
tee hee
not that I want you to get hurt but death by tweezer is pretty funny
Even more than eye patches, guys dig empty eye sockets. It's one more orifice.
Knowing my luck, it would have exploded while I was driving. Yup.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
OK, this reminds me of a joke one of my former bosses used to tell.
A guy walked into the local brothel, and approached the Madam. "I'm looking for something different," he said.
"What do you mean by 'different'? she replied.
"Well," the man said, "I've traveled the world. I've been with tall women, short women, fat and skinny, and every possible race. I've become somewhat jaded and bored, and I need some new excitement".
The madam looked at him thoughtfully. "I think I know just the woman for you," she said.
She yelled something unintelligible up the stairs, and shortly, down came a woman with an eye patch.
"This is Becky," she said. "She's a bit shy, but she'll show you pleasures you never knew."
So Becky and the man retired to one of the upstairs rooms, where she proceeded to remove the eye patch, took out her glass eye, and gave the man a sexual experience that redefined the term "giving head". Afterwards, as they lay in post-coital bliss, the man exclaimed, "That was the most unbelievable thing I've ever done! Can I come back and see you again?"
"Absolutely," Becky replied...
"I'll keep an eye out for you".
I learned that if you do not dispose of the the left over hair dye it will exsplode. Exspecally if left in direct sun, on your brand new keyboard, in the corner with two white walls and your fav teeshirt on the floor under the keyboard in the corner.
Ha ha, I am drunk right-eyed. And. I. Love. Eye Patches. Arghhh.
If you had an eyepatch, could I shiver your timbers?
Eye patches are very sexy....you would be adorable in one. Still good to know you avoided the tragedy.
Lucky they were plastic tweezers, metal ones would have penetrated your brain and left you in a cabbage like state, a fate worse than death!
Damn, you'd have looked so spiffy with an eye patch though!
Seriously, I'm glad you weren't in the car. The past few times I've been out and left my lighter in the car, I stopped to grab it. I thought "what if it explodes in the heat?" then thought I was being stupid. Still took the lighter with me. So glad I did since you've proven, those freaking things DO explode in heat.
I'm really glad you're okay. Get yourself some new spiffy tweezers :)
Just be glad it wasn't a bottle of vodka...what a waste that would have been.
My subconscious misread this "Even worse, I could have been maimed."
as ...
"Even worse, I could have been married."
Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke.
Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
Veronica Corningstone: I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.
Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker.
We're so lucky to still have you...although what a story if you had been in the car!
You must know your Math really good to be able to calculate the trajectory of the tweezers.
Anyways, I don't think just having 1 eye will dampen your fascination with shoes and looking good constantly.
Isn't it a requirement to keep a lighter, matches, and bottle rockets in your car in the Dirty South? The 'chick got stopped at a roadblock just the other day - the cops were doing inspections to make sure everyone was ready for the Glorious 4th with the abovementioned items stowed in improper manners. Even though the 'chick had all her explosives, she still got patted down.
Gotta love the Dirty, Dirty South.
Wow. How ironic that the things that help you stay beautiful could have been the things that maimed you for life. FAZ
Mist1 is going to be a cyclops!
Incidentally, what kind of cologne would you recommend the male drunk keep in HIS glove box?
Yeah, it did kinda freak me out when you started driving, smoking, tweezing, talking, and covering your right eye all at the same time. I thought for sure we'd run over a homeless person.
Then we'd have to get out and check for damage to your car. Such a bother.
-AD
I once tried to take my own eye out with the corner of the menu when I was drunk. All I did was scratch the cornea, and wasn't even given a patch to wear.
Holy Crap. I'd better start a strict regimen of Glove Box Maintenance immediately. It's going to be 94 today in NE Ohio.
b. portland,
So you're saying that being insane and wearing an eye patch is too much? I should just stick to insane?
cheeky,
No pink. Sapphire.
churlita,
Imagine the consequences.
othur,
I've seen your monitor. It's totally hot.
lcg,
That's a damn fine idea. Where'd I put the limes?
hearts,
It's easier to tweeze when I am driving than when someone else is driving because I can predict my sudden stops.
sqt,
I don't want to lose an eye that way. But, she was magnificent.
pie,
I had never considered two. That's over accessorizing.
spoon,
Life on the edge. Can you handle it?
phishez,
Be careful that you don't lose your tongue in a lighter incident. You wouldn't be able to read.
turn,
Do you have a new outlook on life? I do.
shadow,
I will try to document it for you in my last moments and post it as my final entry here.
fab,
I prefer getting it in the ear.
debbie,
Well then, let this be a lesson to you.
nwjr,
I love that joke.
honk,
They never put stuff like that on the package insert.
adw,
You righties are weird. I don't trust you.
av,
Please do. I have been shivering me own timbers for far too long.
karma,
I have pretty good insurance. Maybe I could fake it for awhile.
akelamalu,
No, they were metal.
echo,
I never once thought that it could happen. You must have taken extra science in school.
trish,
Don't even type stuff like that here.
furious,
That would have been much, much worse.
michael,
I would have needed someone to dictate my posts to.
venge,
Seriously, I am like crazy good at math.
chick,
I am so ashamed of myself right now. Yes, I have all the necessities to drive in the Dirty South.
c & faz,
That was profound.
matt,
That's my nickname for you. Every man should have a bottle of Axe in the car. Haven't you seen the commercials? Chicks dig it.
amber,
Please ignore the damage to the vehicle.
flenker,
I would have insisted on a patch.
nance,
Park in the shade.
Arrrrrr.....
Oh yeah, and my hook hand is detachable for other attachments.
Is it still all fun and games if you just almost lose an eye?
Wow that's right up there with the sound of one hand clapping and trees falling in the forest.
you should keep microwave popcorn in your glove box. one day you'll open your glove box to find a satisfying and nutritious treat!!
av,
I already have a vacuum.
wave,
I try to avoid the forest at all costs.
miztris,
I have a good mind to try that.
A bejeweled eye patch?
I recently saw a substance that resembled dried splooge on my rear windshield. I had a brief fantasy that some teenagers had broken into my car for some sweet loving.
I was very disappointed to find that it was just a can of Fix-A-Flat that exploded.
At least there wasn't enough alcohol in the perfume to ignite with the explosion. Fun times!
-N
peter,
Nothing to gaudy, of course.
123,
I have had more fun with a can of Fix-A-Flat than I am comfortable talking about here.
natalia,
I wonder if my auto insurance covers that.
You should be a tabloid journalist; your mastery of the conditional tense demands it.
Puss
puss,
Everything I do has conditions.
I don't keep tweezers or fumes in my car. Or lighters. I guess I need to find my purpose, as I am lacking in basic hygiene accessories while traveling.
Well, I have been volunteering to work for other people...I can't guarantee I would not rework your jokes though...
melanie,
What do you do when you drive?
michael,
Are you saying that I need some work?
How fun! Exploding lighters are cool! Good thing you didn't have hair spray as one of your necessities!
No, I should've just not re-commented, I guess. I think the job of joke reworker would be fun, don't you??
Afterall, 100 commenters can't be wrong!! ;-)
jenny,
This hair does not do hairspray.
michael,
I don't want to rework jokes. Anything with the word "work" in it doesn't sound like fun to me.
The fear of women with high explosives can be the beginning of all wisdom.
Being from the dirty south myself I have learned from experience to respect someone who can back-calculate the trajectory of a projectile in an explosion.
Do they make perfume for guys? I need something in a bottle. I've tried leaving a tube of speedstick in my car, but it melts so easily. I would put a can of Axe body spray in there, but those things go off like hand grenades.
Gee I only have had lipstick melt all over my cds in my glove box. Clearly, I need to reevaluate its contents to make it more blogworthy.
And oh yes, I'd better be on that short list for the DC visit.
"There is a bottle of perfume in the glove box so that I don't smell like a bar when I get to the bar." LMAO!!! You too???
I also have that one bastard ass chin hair...
I am so glad you're my new BFF...we see eyes to (potential) eye
OMG science talk is sexy.
I'd still hit it as long as you went "shiver me timbers" a couple times just for laughs.
I am a very low-hair person myself yet I also have one of those goat hairs that randomly grows out of my chin from time-to-time!
turner,
I hate to talk about myself, but I admit that I am really good with projectiles.
capt. smack,
I've heard that your natural pheromones are divine. At least, that's the word on the street.
lee,
Keep your lipstick in your handbag at all times. And yes, dear. You are on the list.
tera,
Have you ever tried to get the hair with your fingernails? Mine curled. I was horrified.
nolff,
My scientifical mind is like the hottest thing about me. My left eye is the second hottest thing.
danj,
For some reason, your comment makes me want to say, "not by the hair on my chinny chin chin."
I am so relieved that you are safe. Imagine what the headline would have said, "Girl killed by exploding tweezers, film at 11."
brooke,
I want my headline to read something else entirely.
Now that's the spirit!!!!!
I would suggest that you use rubbing alcohol to sterilize, but I'm afraid you might drink it if you are too far away from a bar and that wouldn't be good. You have such a complicated life. Have a great day Mist...Well at least try. :)
tera,
I love yelling obscenities.
michael,
I am like the anti-work cheerleader.
comedy,
I like my rubbing alcohol with a twist of lime.
I thought I was too, but I shall defer to you. You're probably better at it.
That's an amazing story, Mist. My uncle had a lighter explode in his car. He wasn't in it at the time. But I always wondered whether he was pulling my leg.
I guess not.
Oh no! A chin hair? I can totally identify (aside from my million chin hair army).
Guys get old, we get screwed up by gravity hanging on their parts, and we get hair on our earlobes.
I visited the old school barbershop recently (cause its cheap, baby!), and the old guy asks at the end of the hair cut if I want my ears trimmed, and I said no before thinking because they are just fine, or so I've heard.
But then I realized what he meant: I am getting old and disgusting, just as sure as a fat sunset, as sure as we all rot alive walking and are waiting to collapse into dusty bones.
So I said go for it. Better to cope than get a bigger complex over it. Nobody will ever know. Until I blab it on the internet.
But chicks do need to worry about things like chin hairs, too. Glad you survived to tell this harrowing tale of heat in the Dirty South.
Thanks for the laughs, Misty
Thanks for the directions on the side! Without those I would have been JUST LOST! :~)
jb///
When my car was impounded in Phoenix (115 degrees, black on black) a beer can went off in the back seat like a grenade. Good thing the rest of the case was already gone. Although, if it was still in the back seat, my car probably wouldn't have been impounded in the first place.
The eye patch, the chin hair--you'd be a regglar Bluebeard ('cause, um, you're blue-blooded, too, or something, and so then this would somehow have deeper meaning).
Glad you weren't terribly blistered on your right elbow in the explosion. Good thing you'd run into the bar for a gimlet just then.
Thank goodness you weren't in the path of those flying tweezers!
Tweezers are kept in my purse. It's one of the essentials.
Good thing B.O.B. wasn't in there at the time of this incident! Heaven forbid anything happened to him!
PS. I'm glad you weren't maimed and that you didn't lose your left eye, Mist.
You have provided a public service by posting this entry.
I'll be much more careful from now on.
Thank you.
My grandfather got a fish hook caught in his eye. Grandma, a nurse, tried to remove it instead of taking him to the local doctor.
She ripped the dang thing right out. He had some really righteous eye patches over the years, including a blue crushed velvet one.
Bottle Rockets in My Trunk sounds like a naughty song.
As for the eye patch, does that cost extra?
Dear Ms. Mist,
I will provide to you a solution to your problem - disinfecting the tweezer. Alcohol swabs. Mere cents a package, lasts forever, does more cleansing than a lighter, more discrete, and no explosion which would result in your death. And if you would die it would result in my boredom of not having your blog, which would result in my death by boredom. Death by boredom is much less interesting than death by tweezer or death by lighter.
Love you truly,
Ms. NFC
ps. yes it is all about me...
Dear Sweet Jesus! I am so glad you are up on your forensics. What if you had lost half a lip or an ear?
michael,
I'm not better at it. I just talk more sh*t.
lbb,
He speaks the truth. Is he single? Sounds like my kind of guy.
eric,
To date, my ears are hairless. I hope. Lemme go check.
lz,
I'm good for helping the lost. Okay, not really, but I like to think that I am.
perry,
That's why I don't drink beer in cans. You have so much to learn from me.
jocelyn,
I have to go check out my right elbow now. I wonder if it's my good elbow.
paula,
This blog would be so much harder to manage without my good eye.
airam,
Do you prefer the slanted tip tweezers? I think I like your style.
chrissy,
It is my every nightmare that I will get arrested or be hospitalized with (or because of) B.O.B.
pissy,
I do what I can for the good of the people. I do this for free.
bk,
That patch would match a pair of my wedges. I don't stand to inherit it, do I?
todd,
The eye patch always costs extra.
nofear,
I steal those from the doctor with every visit. I can never think of a good use for them. Still, I think I will take greater risks in life. I don't want to have to stop blogging.
tallulah,
Unrelated comment: I was at Tallulah Falls last weekend and thought of you. Thanks for thinking of my lip and stuff.
Who sang that song "I was in the right place, but it musta been the wrong time" It started playing in the background amidst my laughing.
Glad you weren't killed or worse yet maimed.
wreck,
I like it when people use the word amidst.
Okay - we both have love affairs with our tweezers and a hate relationship with one stubborn chin-hair. WTF with the doppleganger stuff?
tigger,
I like it when the meteorologist on the local news turns to the doppleganger radar. My favorite part is when he does the sweeping arm motions to demonstrate the high pressure front. I don't know what barometer means, but I like it when he says it.
.. I am predominantly left eyed ..
I don't know why this made me giggle so much, but it did.
Yes, I said giggle.
stfu ;p
orhan,
I didn't want to insinuate that my left eye is dominant. My right eye is not into that kind of thing. It's not like my right eye is lazy or anything, it just isn't my drunk eye.
For about the last three years my eyes would do the same shit when I was drunk or tired...
I'd just shut an eye and thought it was cool...
But now my left eye (im right eye dominant..) is almost permanantly turning inward and has developed amblyopia (well, to be precise its amblopyia and esotropic strabismus)...
So... dont be like me... and go to an opthalalogist.
ben,
If I ever have twins, I am naming them Amblyopia and Strabismus.
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