To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


I have a good relationship with my hp 3 in 1. I click print and he prints. I click scan and he scans. I click fax and he faxes. He even copies. It is beautiful. Really, we couldn't be happier unless he had a button for car detailing.

My 3 in 1 and I hit it off from the very beginning. I remember the day we met. I was in Office Depot. I was wearing blue suede platforms with tiny studs. He was on sale and I had a coupon. The sales associate was trying to set me up with a laser printer, but the 3 in 1 had already stolen my heart. He had all these little ports for my cables and chips. I don't know. I can't explain it. I had to have him.

We decided to move in together immediately. I never move this fast. Usually, I am more of a stick my tongue down your throat in the parking lot kind of girl, but I knew from the beginning, that this was no ordinary relationship.

I set him up and we networked. Installation was so simple. It was like he got me, you know? I still have the first test sheet that he ever printed. I bought him a few extra ink cartridges (name brand) so that he would be comfortable and put all his stuff in his own drawer. He suggested that I register him online and let everyone know that we were official. I agreed, without hesitation. When he recommended that I complete and return his warranty card, I balked. We didn't need a warranty to sully our relationship. That seemed like gambling against what we had. I told him that I believed in Us and threw away the card. It was a statement. Actions speak louder than words.

But now, we are having problems. I admit, there were signs. I had to reinstall his software once. But, everyone makes mistakes. We talked about it and he printed another test sheet for me and I forgave him. I told my girlfriends that if it ever happened again, he would be on eBay. Yesterday, I caught him in a lie. He told me that he was scanning to Word, but the document never popped up. I clicked and clicked and clicked. Each time, he looked me in the eyes and lied. Finally, I caught him in my email. He was all flustered and garbled and I couldn't understand him. If he wanted to read my email, all he needed to do was ask. I have nothing to hide.

I stopped talking to him and shut him down for a few minutes. He needed to align his cartridges and think it over. Finally, when I was ready, I asked him to print some directions for me. He thought about it. He placed them in queue, but he refused to print. He demanded that I check his connections or insert the CD that he came with.

I did what every girlfriend would do. I clicked print again and again thinking that he couldn't ignore me for long. I yelled. I withheld pdfs. Finally, I cried.

He has agreed to couples therapy. My therapist thinks that I am repressing my feelings and once I learn to appropriately express myself, he will print again. He just sits there silently.

I have given him an ultimatum. If he doesn't print, I will never put my a$$ on the platen glass for him to copy again.

I confess that I went Office Depot yesterday evening. We are not married, I can still look. I only hope that he didn't smell another printer's toner on me.

Mist 1


At 10:41 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I had something to say until it got to the a$$ on the glass part. Sorry.

My damn 3-in-1 just sits in the corner and stares. But My God can she print a vivid picture. Even though, I find myself jealous of the relationship you two have. Maybe it's because I bought a Canon. Damn slick Best Buy salesman...

At 11:42 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I have a Canon, too. We are happy together. He is Fisher-Price elegant and always ready, if you catch my drift.

At 11:43 PM, Blogger Jonas said...

I was once stalked by an 8-slice toaster...

At 12:06 AM, Blogger Fiona said... should submit that to PC today!!!

At 12:49 AM, Anonymous archie said...

I have a female hp 3 in 1. She always does what I ask. Even when I feed her "no-brand" ink. I think it is because I let her keep her original shoes.

At 12:55 AM, Anonymous perry said...

I have a Lexmark which, as you may know, is one of those girls that you barely tap your breaks as you pass her on the corner on a rainy night and say, "Get in."

You certainly don't tell your friends about her. Her remains have been in my trunk for too long and and I have plans to stuff what's left of her in a trashbag, work her over with a bat one more time for good measure, and dump her in the dumpster next door at the elementary school.

That's what you get for trying to save money with a cheap one.

At 1:50 AM, Blogger Plump Pigeon said...

My printer is far too expensive, it takes six cartridges and each one costs about £14. He is less of a companion and more of a diabetic labradoodle that i inherited from a bonkers auntie,and now i have feed it expensive medicines and special sugar free treats just so i can put it to work once a month. I could send it to the printerpound, but it does print a good photo when it has been bribed with posh inks.

Also, you shouldnt feel bad about moving on, and looking at other printers. Your 3 in 1 was the one that broke the deal, by going doolally and refusing to to any jobs around the house.

Maybe you could put him in a printer retirement home, and see him once a week with Werthers Original?

At 2:16 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

I once had a printer that was older than me. It didn't work out. I'm into stripes. He was into polka dots (soo last season). He was noisy. I couldn't have fun with him at night without everybody knowing about it. He was easy to turn on, but really hard to keep going. You had to hold here, and press there, and push that. He was too much work.

At 2:38 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I can't bear it when they go silent on you. It's such bad manners.


At 2:47 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Relationships are so hard...

At 3:06 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

I use the techie hardware, then leave it to hubby to pick up the pieces!

At 3:07 AM, Anonymous token said...

Absolutely brilliant!

At 3:20 AM, Blogger Uncivil said...

I like one on one myself. 3 in 1 is just to dang kinky!

At 4:06 AM, Blogger Vengelyne said...

At least he didn't cheat on you.

Can't say the same about you fishing out there behind his back. Shame on ya.

At 4:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's a beautiful and tragic love story.

At 5:03 AM, Blogger Lee said...

I'm still in yuv with my 3 in 1. Keep yer naughty one away from mine. Wouldn't want him learning any bad habits..

At 5:27 AM, Blogger K said...

my three in one lies all the time. he only prints when he overhears me on the phone with the pc technician.

At 6:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


The Canon's are smooth talkers.


Loud and clear.


Did it have slots wide enough for bagels?


I should. I suppose you want a cut.


Every girl wants new shoes. We are not cars.


I'm pretty sure I'll see you on Cold Case Printer Files.


The word Labradoodle is so underused. I applaud you for bringing that one here today.


I don't do printers with polka dots.


I haven't said a word to him all morning. I'm making coffee first.


Tell me about it, Sweetheart.


I have no hubby. I also have no hobby.


My therapist is good, isn't she?


I have a wild side.


He doesn't get points for that. He's mine and he's supposed to be here for me.


I will probably need to call you late at night when I'm drunk to tell you how over him I am.


It's only a matter of time before your 3 in 1 leaves you. I will never trust again.


See? That's why I chat with my techie.

At 6:12 AM, Blogger Tera said...

"I will never put my a$$ on the platen glass for him to copy again."

I feel better and better everyday about the photos in the cell phone that I lost...I am not alone!

At 6:13 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Toner lol

I'm married to Kyocera C-3130

At 6:31 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Just as long as you don't notice the ink on my fingers.

At 6:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe 3 in 1 was a bit too alluring to be trustworthy. Beware the bejangled sirens that lurk in the Office Depot.

At 6:41 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Yes Mist, they certainly are.

At 6:42 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

I heard rumors that my last printer got pregnant. Wow, I can't believe there might be a little p-touch out there that's mine.

Yeah, I might have just taken this whole thing too far, huh??

At 6:51 AM, Blogger Nance said...

They're all the same: just jiggle his cables. You'll see.

At 6:54 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

you know when you skip over the dry humping phase with any peripheral equipment, you're just asking for trouble

At 6:59 AM, Anonymous Kristin Fogle said...

I have one of these. The old style that doesn't have a place for my chips. I do love it! Mine better NEVER leave me!

At 7:11 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Oh honey, I lurve you.

I am having hole-puncher issues. Someone stole the "good" one, so I have to employ those sticker paper things to reinforce the holes.

Fortunately, the stickers kind of look like boobs, so it keeps me entertained.

At 7:29 AM, Blogger The CEO said...

We have the HP, and it is a work horse. What a champion! You must come over and bond sometime.

At 8:02 AM, Anonymous la cubana gringa said...

That'll teach you to turn down a Pre-Nuptual Warranty when it's offered to you!

That being said, though, unless he's been communicating wirelessly with another printer, I'd give him another chance.

At 8:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I hope my 3 in 1 doesn't get bitter and fax the images in a blast.


I said toner just for you.


You have inky fingers.


You would have fallen for him too. All those buttons...sigh.


I had plans to have a litter of 6210s myself.


I'm too angry with him to jiggle anything.


I dry humped the floor model.


Tell him how much you appreciate him every day.


I need a hole punch. I bet if I had one, I'd be punching holes in everything.


Are you setting me up?


You are so forgiving. I hold a bitter grudge to the very end.

At 8:24 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

i had a laser printer for years and years and it only needed fed once a year, but sadly it went to printer heaven. now these new ones are so cheap, almost disposable. you can almost get a new one for the price of the toner. pitch the damned thing and have at a new one honey! that'll show 'em! besides the new one won't have seen any of your shoes and it'll all be so new again. you'll love it, i promise.

smiles, bee

At 8:32 AM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

Mist, you are a tech's wet dream right now.

At 8:36 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Mist, this is awesome. Probably one of the best posts I've read yet. Yes, this is a winner and should be submitted to every contest out there. I'll bet you would win. Excellent. :)

At 8:37 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Would it be a litter or a pallet??

At 8:42 AM, Blogger ScHmOe said...

my dell color lazer is a nice dirty girl....bit chunky and noisy(moans a lot) but she does take her time and do a good job..built for comfort not for speed :)

At 8:49 AM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

this, my friends, was fucken funny.

i so needed this post today. thanks!

At 9:10 AM, Blogger Cyber D said...

I'm dying to know what your relationship is like with your washing machine!

At 9:16 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Can I borrow those platforms for a party Saturday night?

At 9:32 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

What a passive aggressive printer. I had an ex-fiance like that once.

At 9:54 AM, Blogger tammy said...

Keep withholding the pdfs (public displays of wha?). He'll come around.

At 9:55 AM, Blogger jennifer starfall said...


At 10:04 AM, Blogger heather said...

what perfect timing, i'm in the market for a printer/scanner. i'll have to keep you in mind and make sure i wear some really great shoes and send in the warrenty card.

At 10:06 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Laser this time, Mist.

At 10:06 AM, Blogger brookelina said...

This is why I stick with the young ones. They are always ready to go and rarely expect commitment.

At 10:07 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

You should just stop letting him plug into your port. That'll fix him up quick.

At 10:08 AM, Blogger Jim said...

Well Misty, this should be an award winning post!

I could do a 'find and replace' using my ex instead of your 3 in 1 and it would be a story of one of my other lives. All true and more!
I did have a nice mother-in-law, how are your 'in-laws?'

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Faz the Cat said...

After a very unpleasant relationship with my inkjet I decided we weren't meant for each other and put him in a cupboard. He's still there. I forgot about him. I wonder if perhaps I should think about letting him out and rekindling our on/off relationship? FAZ

At 11:00 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

Maybe there is something going around? My hp 3 in 1 is behaving in the exact same shady manner...

At 11:12 AM, Blogger ScHmOe said...

must be just the males..everyone knows men are the worst multi-taskers :P

At 11:30 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I swear I didn't touch your 3 in 1. I had my fingers in another printer.

At 11:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


That's it, I'm getting a new printer every time I have to change the toner.


All my dreams have just come true.


Be my agent.


I guess you're right. A pallet.


I need a little speed.


Go ahead, laugh at my shattered relationship.


I would like to be on top just once, but the dryer is already there.


No one ever wears my shoes.


Clearly, we need to talk.


You know what the f is for.


That's what I called him.


Personally, I am still against the warranty.


I always thought my first laser would be for hair removal.


Damn the 6210. He's clearly much to old for me.


Why do I have to suffer?


He never talks about his family, although I've heard that the series before him was bigger and slower.


My on/off relationship has been powered down for most of the day.


They are seeing each other. How could we have been so blind?


I am super good at multi-tasking. I am chewing gum and fidgeting right now.


Let me smell your finger.

At 12:18 PM, Blogger Sebastien said...

All I can say is I hope he isn't cheating on you. Because then, if he is, you are going to have to go all Office Space on him...

I try to maintain a work relationship with my printer, things tend to get a little tricky when romance is thrown into the mix.

At 12:41 PM, Blogger historymike said...

I used to think I was a monogamous sort, at least until I read this post. Now I realize what a dirty, love-em-and-leave-em heel I've been with my printers.

I discard them when I see a newer model, and I even hook up with free ones that get thrown in with a computer.

My 3-in-1 has been faithful in its long-distance wireless network relationship with my laptop, but this sleazy Compaq puts its cable in any old printer when the 3-in-1 is unavailable.

I am so ashamed of myself.

(goes to take a shower)

At 12:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I usually don't mess around in the company toner. I've learned a valuable lesson.


You give pc users a bad name.

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

lmao! clever post after clever post...I really don't know how you do it, mist!

At 1:36 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


It's the wine.

At 1:45 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...



At 1:48 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

I once loved a 3-in-1. Then I discovered my HP Laserjet 3050, and can never go back. I've divorced my 3-in-1. He still lurks around, begging for me to "insert paper", but I'm just not that kind of girl.

At 1:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You caught him in a lie. I am totally tickled by that line.

At 2:03 PM, Blogger Captain Smack said...

This is why I never get into long term relationships with electronic equipment. Who needs the hassle? I do have needs, though, so whenever the urge to print something becomes overwhelming, I just cruise the streets at night until I spot a Kinko's on some corner... and then just pay for it outright.

I guess that sounds kind of sleazy, but I'm only human.

At 2:18 PM, Blogger Lampy said...

If you want to do something entertaining go to hp's website and use the chat-help option. You can chat (like on msn, but not) with a helper (mine was Alex) and he taught me all about printer voodoo and how to fix stuff. I think I had to press the buttons three times and then swing chickens over my head. Try that and let me know how it works out. Then chat with Alex and see if he/she can help you out :)

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Peter DeWolf said...



At 2:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I've been called worse.


I enjoy a good paper jam.


I looked directly in his LCD display and he lied.

capt. smack,

Aren't you afraid of catching something?


I've experienced the joy of tech chat. He didn't use smileys.


Thank you. Thank you very much.

At 3:21 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

poor 3 in 1 at home slaving over your documents and you're out there in Office Depot looking for the latest, greatest upgrade.

poor 3 in 1.

At 3:47 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

Maybe he's depressed. Do they make printer Prozac?

At 4:29 PM, Blogger Flenker said...

Sorry to hear that mist. Although, I am proud to say that my hp and I have been together since my early college days, going on 8 years and counting. Granted I don't take her out as much as I used to, and we haven't had the same late night sessions we had in the early goings, but she still performs for me, and I try to take good care of her. I'm just fearing the day that her USB won't be recognized when I plug her in.

At 4:31 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I wouldn't stray if he would put out.


Now I feel insensitive. He has all the symptoms. He's not eating. He's not interested in the things he used to do. He just sits there day in and day out.

At 4:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Has she gained weight? I think my 3 in 1 is looking a little heavy.

At 4:39 PM, Blogger Tug said...

They are all so fickle...which is why I'll never sign papers with mine. Much easier to move on.

At 4:41 PM, Blogger Todd said...

You can fit your ass on your 3-in-1's screen? Damn. I can't decide if that's hot or scary.

At 5:15 PM, Blogger historymike said...

I never go near Kinko's, though. I hear it's a real sheet market.

(runs and hides in Bad Pun Corner)

At 5:21 PM, Blogger Dave said...

I didn't read the other comments, so I may be a bit late with the thought; but, how do you know your 3 in 1 is a he?

Given what I know about cartridges, and where they go, the plumbing seems to indicate the opposite conclusion.

Then there's the clicking and clicking and clicking and still nothing happens.

You sure?

At 6:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm just worried that if I upgrade, I will regret it. You know the saying, cheaper to keep her...


It's totally hot. Trust me.


I love it. Don't hide. That was fantastic. Thanks.


Are you insinuating that I'm bi-sexual?


At 6:53 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I think all the therapists who are learned in HPese are from India. I speak from experience.

At 7:32 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

Mist, that's what the 3-in-1 said too.

At 7:40 PM, Blogger tammy said...


At 8:17 PM, Blogger curiositykiller said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 8:43 PM, Blogger Airam said...

You're an absolute classic!! I love it!

At 8:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Are you a therapist or East Indian?


He's talking to you? Does he ever say anything about me?


I am pretty damn good at anything having to do with flies.


I'll take classic. It's kind of like classy. I am totally classy.

At 8:48 PM, Blogger curiositykiller said...

You spoiled him with your a$$ on his platen glass for him to copy. Now he's desensitized - and you'll have to find yourself someone better performer -- but higher maintenance.

I feel for ya.

At 8:49 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


The word platen makes me happy. It is better, even, than deplane.

At 8:54 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

Bastard HP....

At 8:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Shhh. He may be scanning this post.

At 9:04 PM, Blogger CS said...

I have broken up with more hp's than I care to think about. They are so freaking fickle.

At 9:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I don't have a type, but I'm not ready to swear off hps just yet.

At 9:50 PM, Blogger Steph said...

My printer ran out of ink ages ago and I haven't juiced it up since.

story of my life really.

At 10:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I had a printer run out on me once. I never spoke to him again. I still have his CD collection.

At 10:49 PM, Blogger Kentucky Girl said...

You never cease to crack my shit up.

At 11:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I do what I can.

At 2:41 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

That was simply adorable. I had a simliar relationship with a blowup doll once.

At 6:15 AM, Blogger Let's Pretend said...

That was excellent -- I needed that laugh today.

At 7:01 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Did it all end when she popped?



At 2:17 PM, Blogger ~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

Try his Brother(tm) next time.

At 10:42 PM, Blogger CondoBlogger said...

Wonderful post!!!

At 12:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Oh that as good.


Thanks. I do what I can.

At 2:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its because he does strange things in the night that you don't know about. Unplug him, from the wall socket (not from the power bar)wait a moment and plug in again. Voila, he'll be up and running again as good as new and waiting for your command.

At 2:50 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


How do you know what he does at night? Are you seeing him?


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

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