To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, June 14, 2007

Baby, I Like it Raw


People don't like to dine with me. I have food quirks that make it difficult to order a meal in a restaurant. I like food that is red or purple, I abhor overcooked vegetables, and I like my steaks really, really rare.

For years, I have tried to hide my preference for raw meat. I frequent dimly lit restaurants, so that I can eat my bloody meat in peace. Over dinner, I make jokes about the movie, Rosemary's Baby, insinuating that I have been impregnated with Satan's spawn. I use humor to deflect attention from my affinity for raw meat, but deep down inside, I am considering devouring my dining companions with a side of gorgonzola if my entree doesn't show up soon.

When I order a steak, I give explicit directions. I like it bloody, but not moving. I say things like, "shoot it before you serve it," or "I'd like it with it's nose freshly wiped with a side of roasted asparagus," or "no, really, the lightbulb in here should be enough to cook it thoroughly". Sometimes (rarely), my steak is prepared correctly and I watch it take it's last breath on my plate.

I have been craving red meat for weeks. I caught myself absentmindedly singing the Outback Steakhouse jingle the other day. Driving home, I slowed down to admire roadkill in an unhealthy way. The thing is, I like raw meat. Not rare. Raw. When I have cravings, I like to indulge them.

For three nights, I have eaten at bars. I go to bars to drink vodka, but my friends appear to have an appreciation for bar food. They know where to get the best wings and mozzarella cheese sticks. I try to avoid the sensation of gnashing my teeth on bone and I have a fear of frying and so generally, I avoid bar menus. This week, each night, I have carefully ordered raw red meat accompanied by some kind of vegetable. Each night, I have been disappointed.

Monday night, my steak was nicely peppered, but fatty. Tuesday, my steak was overcooked and much like sawdust smothered in some kind of mushroomy sauce. Last night, the steak tips on my salad were tough and sinewy.

Each night, I have requested a to go box. As I transfer the improperly cooked contents from my plate to the styrofoam box, I tell myself that tomorrow night will be different.

I have had it with these muthaf*ckin steaks in a muthaf*ckin bar.


Mist 1


94 Comments:

At 12:05 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

In your face Michael! First comment. Now to read the post.

 
At 12:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

phishez,

I'm pretty sure that's cheating. Michael pays me top dollar to guarantee that he has first comment here. I'll send you an invoice.

 
At 12:19 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

So long as you don't like your chicken or pork raw. That shit gives you evil diseases and worms.

 
At 12:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

phishez,

I assume that raw phishez are perfectly acceptable.

 
At 12:27 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Can I pay with monopoly money?

 
At 12:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

phishez,

I want Boardwalk.

 
At 12:35 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 12:39 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

1) Haven't you heard of sushi? Although nobody's eaten this phish raw lately :(

2) I'll email you the deed.

 
At 12:41 AM, Blogger SQT said...

I'm thinking you need to head to some of the trendier spots and tell them raw steak is the new fad. Come up with some creative names for raw steak salad (bare-back salad?)I don't know, I'm sure you could come up with much better names than I could.

 
At 12:43 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 1:56 AM, Blogger Pie said...

I thought I was the only freak who liked barely cooked meat. The outside should be browned so it looks cooked to the casual observer, and it should bleed when you start cutting it.

Mist1, you've made me drool.

 
At 2:01 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Wow, you WEREN'T joking about the meat picture. Go figure.

I really think we as a culture don't use the word sinewy enough.

If Phishez doesn't come through with the 1st commenter money, do I need to think of another comment for today??

 
At 2:02 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I think the best part about carrying Satan's spawn would be the knowledge that you totally nailed the Dark One.

 
At 2:20 AM, Blogger Fiona said...

Mmmmmmmm nothing like a hunk of beef oozing it's life's blood all over the plate!!!

I've also heard it referred to as - wipe its arse and put it on a plate.

Tell them to walk it past the grill, don't put it on it....or maybe ask for steak tartare (such a 70s thing that) or beef carpaccio.

Enjoy...and guess who's going to be sitting down to a juicy sirloin tonight :)

 
At 2:39 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

You'd make a cave man real happy :)

 
At 3:26 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

Are you part lion Mist?

 
At 4:28 AM, Blogger Lee said...

Just wondering why you bring it home then?

 
At 4:40 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

I like my steaks super rare too. It grosses everyone out.

 
At 4:46 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

There are few things in life more disappointing than an overcooked steak.

 
At 4:47 AM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

I learned a long time ago to order my steaks "blue". It's rarer than rare (basically what pie is describing) because it's cooked at an extremely high temperature for less than 45 seconds. When ordering, you can even use air quotes if you'd like.

 
At 5:29 AM, Anonymous chcochippie said...

Two words: Steak Tartare

And, according to Wikipedia: It is also often consumed, especially in Russia, with vodka.

:)

 
At 5:31 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

I think the main point is that bars are for drinking. a good steak house is what you need for a properly prepared rare steak. Otherwise, you're better off chewing on your dining companion's shoe... but for g*d's sake, not your own!

 
At 5:35 AM, Blogger stephanie said...

I order my burgers and steak "Bloody on my plate, please."

They rarely (pun not intended) get it right.

It so pisses me off!!!

 
At 5:38 AM, Blogger Nina said...

Are you a vampire?

 
At 6:00 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

You know. I like mine exactly the same way and people will really give you shit about it. We went to one of those Japanese steakhouses with a group of people a few weeks ago and I was FAR more offended by the person who ordered a filet WELL DONE than they should have been by my order of "unable to complete a full sentence".

 
At 6:05 AM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

i'll never forget being at the beach with my uncle when he ordered his steak by saying, "i'd like the cook to throw the steak on teh grill and as soon as it touches, flip it over. as soon as it touches pick it up and put it on my plate." the waitress said, "pittsburgh rare?" we both laughed and asked how she knew we were from pittsburgh.

tough and sinewy gags me. i can only do filet. mmmmm. perhaps i'm headed to ruth's chris tonight. that bitch can pick a good hunk of meat!

 
At 6:16 AM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

the best steaks I've had have been barbequed at home. I am "King of the Grill."

 
At 6:17 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Go to Japan. They have restaurants that serve only raw meat. It turned my stomach but each to their own.

Puss

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger Nance said...

"Well done" should be reserved for praising one's students only.

 
At 6:28 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

sqt,

I think I've had a Broke Back salad.

pie,

Exactly. That is perfection.

michael,

I like the word sinewy. I use it whenever the opportunity presents itself.

fab,

We totally did it in his car.

fiona,

Is Beef Carpaccio related to Leonardo DeCarpaccio?

orhan,

I would date a caveman. In fact, I have.

akelamalu,

Why, yes. I am a leo.

lee,

I keep thinking that it will be better the next day.

debbie,

Very few people will eat with me.

nwjr,

I think I disappointed my parents more than an overcooked steak.

legal,

I love to make air quotes.

chcochippie,

I'm moving to Russia.

wg,

I would never consume my own shoe.

stephanie,

What is so difficult about not cooking meat?

nina,

You should see my fangs. I am not kidding.

chef,

I judge people who order meat well done.

hello,

Should the grill be on or off?

arthur,

I am the Queen of not playing with fire.

puss,

I have no idea what I ate in Japan.

nance,

The same goes for "see me."

 
At 6:32 AM, Blogger ScHmOe said...

Lop off the horns...wipe its ass and drag it over the grill on the way to the table
Only way to eat beef..anything else is just burnt

 
At 6:37 AM, Blogger Fab said...

So you like your steaks raw? You should have dinner at my mothers! I like my steaks well done and for years she serves me 'bloody' meat, I swear their last heartbeat occurs on my plate! I think the two of you would get along nicely in the kitchen, cooking.

 
At 6:50 AM, Anonymous archie said...

My steak should be wafted past a candle - quickly, and at a distance of 20 feet!

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I want to post a youtube clip of you chewing on cows at pasture.

 
At 6:59 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

schmoe,

I let my steak say goodbye to the next of kin before I eat it.

fab,

I am sure that your mother and I would have a great time in the kitchen. Is that where she keeps the liquor?

archie,

30 if it's a warm day.

furious,

The PETA people would be all over me.

 
At 7:47 AM, Blogger jali said...

My sister once offered me port tartare - was she being a bitch?

 
At 8:10 AM, Blogger Karmalennon said...

Just go to France! I had a steak there that was still moving somewhat.

 
At 8:23 AM, Blogger melanie said...

Next time, bring one with you! or, go in the kitchen and show them how you want it done... make sure to not spit on the others food in the process.

;-)

 
At 8:23 AM, Anonymous MisstressM said...

I have the perfect place for you. you should come to Cali

 
At 8:31 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Take off the horns, wipe it's ass and put it on my plate.

That's how I like my steak.

I think i lurve you.

 
At 8:34 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Meh, Should have checked the other commenters before commenting

www.montis.com is where I will be going for lunch today. MMMMMMMMMM

 
At 8:41 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

So, do you get back to your darkened house before the sun comes up each morning. Out all night feasting on red blood (meat)?

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger Tera said...

Your title is misleading...I expected this post to be about your disdain for condoms

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger ScHmOe said...

Blue Rare is the way to go...but if the blood gets cold its no good...Not that I like it raw...Mike Tyson he likes his meat raw..just ask Evander :P

 
At 9:11 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

If you come visit me, you'll get your steaks the way you want them, and there won't be very many bones in your way.

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger Flenker said...

Just the way I like my meat, too. Especially on hamburgers for some reason. But while I will eat a non-rare burger, steaks that are anything past medium-rare are almost inedible.

 
At 9:28 AM, Blogger Let's Pretend said...

Whenever I see rare meat, it makes me think of the movie "Mommy Dearest" which then makes me think about wire hangers...

I am getting closer to your preference though--I recently switched from medium well to medium (but only so I can microwave the left overs without drying it out)

 
At 9:28 AM, Blogger Let's Pretend said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 9:32 AM, Blogger Let's Pretend said...

P.S. How much do you think Satan would have to pay in child support??

 
At 10:09 AM, Blogger Ms. Mamma said...

Poor Mist... come to the northern woods of Wisconsin where your can get a big ol' plate of "Wildcat" and quench your desire. Wild Cat for a WildCat, I think.

 
At 10:25 AM, Blogger Claudia said...

The only way to have steak is to have it bloody!! mmmm....why do people insist on turning it into leather?? it's just wrong!!

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger Captain Smack said...

All this talk of blood and meat... I'm picturing you eating a live animal, your fangs gnashing, the blood running down your chin as the poor creature tries desperately to escape from your clutches...

God, I'm so turned on right now.

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger Rachel said...

Medium well for me! Just leave a slight pinkness in the center, so its not quite cooked through. Whenever I see a rare steak, I think I can still see muscle memory beating in time to a heart beat. Its kinda offputting.

I'd rather eat my shoes than a bleeding cow. :)

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

Tell them you want a Black n' Blue steak, and next time you should be happy with the results.

The chef (or bar cook) should place the steak on a SCORCHING hot grill, sear one side, flip and sear the other side and then serve it asap.
The result is a blackened outside with a very rare, almost cold center.

Enjoy!
Alicia

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger Ros said...

Blood is flavor! When someone asks how I like my steak, I say 'warm.' That can be warmed on a stovetop, or warm from the kill.

Many an old hunting story ends with the hunter eating the raw heart of his prey fresh from the carcass. Sometimes I wonder what that tastes like a little *too* much.

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jali,

I like Port.

karma,

I'm not going to run after my dinner.

melanie,

But then, what would I complain about?

misstress,

I'll pack my bags.

scotts,

I let mine smoke a cigarette before getting onto my plate.

comedy,

Please. I wear sunglasses.

tera,

I do strongly dislike condoms.

schmoe,

Ears are tough. Too much cartilage for my taste.

av,

I like my steak with a side of vodka. A little bone is okay.

flenker,

I don't trust ground beef. It's too many animals all mixed up and shaped into a patty. I like burgers slightly warmer.

let's,

Mmmm. Microwave steak. Satan does not pay child support.

mamma,

Wild Cat is too gamey.

claudia,

Leather is for apparel.

capt. smack,

I hate when I get fur under my nails.

rachel,

Dead is dead. No muscle memory, no beating heart. Dead.

alicia,

Mmmm.

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

ros,

Meat fresh from the kill tastes like chicken.

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger tammy said...

I can really respect that. Try Florence, too (Italy, not Henderson), if you haven't already. And the other meat walking around ain't half bad, either.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tammy,

You know your meat.

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I'm a vegetarian. I watch carrots take their last breath on my plate all the time.

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger Wavemancali said...

Leagaleagle has it right. Any cook who hears the term "Blue" should serve you a steak the closest to raw that you are going to get.

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

How could you be so cruel?

 
At 1:55 PM, Anonymous metalmom said...

MMMM....steak!!Brand it and bring it!!

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger Nölff said...

OMG I like potatoes and beer and steaks and ribs.. nom nom nom

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger ~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

Bars and normal steaks don't really go hand in hand. Next time try your luck with a hamburger.

Oh, and I think the Outback automatically burns everything you order so if you want a barely dead steak, I'd skip the Outback.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger Jim said...

Misty, it's a good thing you are drinking vodka withat that raw meat. It might kill some of the evil germs hiding in impoperly cooked meat.

I found this, Google Toxoplasmosis.
www.cat-world.com.au/cat-worldbaby.htm

"Humans can also become infected by handling (and eating) raw or undercooked meat & vegetables. Ensure your meat is thoroughly cooked & that you wash your hands & utensils after handling meat. There is a greater risk of you becoming infected with from raw & undercooked meat than there is from your cat, if kept indoors."
..
That would scare me, I hope you might change. BTW, this is especially important for expecting mothers, it can cause loss of the baby.
..

 
At 5:01 PM, Anonymous Trew Life said...

I find it so strange that I love my meat burnt to a crisp... Heh, to each his own I guess.

- Trew Life

 
At 6:10 PM, Blogger jennifer starfall said...

raw meat, huh? that must be why you floss so much.

 
At 7:02 PM, Blogger Uncivil said...

My favorite steak is a med. rare to rare Ribeye.
Sometimes I have friends over who like their steaks well done. I buy the cheapest piece of meat I can find. I'm not wasting a ribeye or a filet by cooking/burning it well done! Give the damn cow some respect please!

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

metal,

I love that.

nolff,

I don't do ribs. I can't touch my teeth to bones.

silver,

Now I have the Outback song stuck in my head.

jim,

The dingo ate my baby. It was rare.

trew,

I won't judge you. At least, not for that.

jen,

I am naturally flossy.

uncivil,

Apparently, I do not respect cows.

 
At 7:26 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

One needs to keep hope in this world, so don't give up. Out there, somewhere--not in a bar--is a steak that will twitch on the plate for you.

Keep the faith.

 
At 8:57 PM, Blogger CS said...

I haven't eaten beef in about 7 years, but when I used to I liked my steaks almost obscenely rare. Just a bit seared on the outside. No more, but I do like steamed oysters and sushi, so tha raw meat thing hasn't completely left me.

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

I can do the vodka and the little bone. No problem! When should I expect you?

 
At 10:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jocelyn,

I pawned my faith a long time ago.

cs,

On behalf of the bovine population, we would like to thank you for limiting your meat consumption to other animals.

av,

I am not one to be expected. I am unexpectable.

 
At 10:38 PM, Blogger CondoBlogger said...

I'm a "Well Done" fan. Jerky isn't quite done enough for me.

 
At 12:14 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

condo,

I love jerky. I have thought about dehydrating a cow of my own, just to have jerky. Do cows come in teriyaki flavor?

 
At 4:32 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

That's better than being inexorable.

 
At 5:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

I used to be inexorable, but I have gained a lot of weight.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger Mike M said...

Great post! Great blog!!

I will be back!!!

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger Ms. Mamma said...

Mist- "wilcat" is raw beef mixed with spices, i tried to google a recipe for it, but it must be Top Secret...

 
At 10:47 AM, Blogger Stacy said...

A little under- prepared fresh meat is good for everyone now and then, the outback song, never good to digest.

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger Flynn said...

I usually order my meat blue, which I finally got in Texas... it was yummy.

I usually tell the waitress that "A good vet should be able to get it moving again". Sometimes they listen...

 
At 12:23 PM, Blogger Superstar said...

I'm a medium Rare gal myself...I do like the meat!
OH
*giggles*
Red meat.
*giggles*
*snort*

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mike,

I like how the number of exclamation points increases with each proclamation.

mamma,

I would eat that. I like Top Secret food.

stacy,

Raw meat never killed anyone.

flynn,

I am going to look for a defibrillator in the restaurant tonight when I go out for dinner.

super,

Slip of the tongue. Happens all the time when concerning meat.

 
At 6:36 AM, Blogger tallulah said...

Go to a fancier restaurant and order "Steak Carpaccio". It's a fancy name for RAW meat sliced thin. The 1st time I had it was in New Orleans. It was drizzled with olive oil and had parmeasan curls on top. Mmmmmm....delicious!

 
At 4:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tallulah,

That sounds so good right now. Do you think I could have it delivered? It's been a long weekend and I'm in no condition to go out in public.

 
At 4:33 AM, Blogger Nomes said...

It must be the Czech heritage: steak tartare on EVERY bar restaurant here, baby. Salmon too. Yummy!

Have had steak once in the last wee while, and was ashamed to realise that I've developed a taste for the cool gelatinous raw deal too.

Ever vampiric...

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nomes,

Oh, I love raw salmon.

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger Gledwood said...

eeww!

french people aparently like raw meat as well

so i'm told

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

gled,

I think lots of people across the globe like meat. It's just a matter of how much meat one likes.

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger velvet girl said...

My mom said that I liked really rare steak when I was a child and there would be little trickles of blood dripping out of the corners of my mouth when I ate it.

 
At 11:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

Adorable pictures, I'm sure.

 
At 4:56 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Go to a Sushi Bar
Order Kobe Beef or "Hot Rock" Beef
Its raw premium grade beef served on a hot stone to warm it a bit. Expensive as hell but truly worth it if you like it raw.

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Money is no object when it comes to my meat.

 

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Name: Mist1
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