To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Over Draft Beer Protection

I went to the bank yesterday. I had to actually get out of my car and physically walk into the facility and wait in line with old people and non-account holders. As I waited for the one employee who knew how to handle my transaction, I had plenty of time to think.

I like the bank. I don't know why I don't go there more often. They have a water cooler that has both hot and cold water with corresponding red and blue spouts. They actually have lollipops inside the bank. I thought that was a myth, like how doctor's are supposed to have lollipops. My doctor doesn't have lollipops, but I don't complain because he is pretty loose with the drug samples. I had four lollipops while I sat and waited for my name to be called. I liked the green and yellow flavored ones best. The purple tasted like kid's cold medicine and the flavor of the red lollipops reminded me of huffing gold paint. Not that I've tried gold. Bronze is pretty good though.

My bank has a lot in common with a bar. I get carded at the counter. I get VIP status which includes free hot or cold water. They know me by name. Sometimes, I lose interest at the bar and likewise, at the bank. At the end of my visit, I get an itemized statement. Most similarly, when I walk out, I either feel really good or like I'm going to puke.

I wish that my favorite bar would merge with my bank. That would make my experience even better. Tellers would dance seductively on the counter while helping me refinance my bar tab. I would steal the lighters dangling from the counter by a chain as the banktender accessed my account and served me a cocktail.

I would be admitted to the VIP section based on my previous tip history. A good tip rating would secure preferential treatment. No more of my precious time would be wasted standing in front of staff members performing other duties as signs reading, "Next Barteller Please" would be clearly posted.

Occasionally, there would even be clerical errors in my favor and I would get an extra shot.

Of course, the business hours need to be addressed.

Mist 1


At 8:30 PM, Blogger Steph said...

Holy shit, am I first? Hooray! Do I win something? Anything?

If my bank and bar merged I can tell you now, I'd be withdrawing all my money ($100) and asking for lap dances from the tellers.

At 8:35 PM, Blogger Constance said...

The downside is that bars tend to look horrifying in daylight. Unless the bank cleaning staff stayed at work, I don't know if I'd like the combo unit for anything while the sun is out.

At 8:42 PM, Blogger tim said...

It sounds all good as long as the boys remember to withdraw before depositing.

Sorry. Couldn't help it.

At 9:01 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

It really makes one think of 'over draft protection' in an entirely different way...though I really have no idea what I mean by that...

At 9:14 PM, Blogger tallulah said...

I would not like to see anyone at my bank dancing seductively while re-filling my drink. Ewww....I'm totally grossed out now.

Thanks for the repulsive thought.

At 9:17 PM, Blogger othurme said...

If you hit on the right guy, he could buy you a no fee, high interest savings account. Skip all that needless "Can I buy you a drink?"-crap and get straight the nitty gritty.

At 9:29 PM, Anonymous Perry said...

If they merged the two I would be driving with a hand over one eye away from the drive through.

At 9:30 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

You may be onto the next wave of financial consolidations. Go long bars and short banks.

At 9:38 PM, Blogger blog Portland said...

Considering I already equate my money with the amount of alcohol it will provide me, this doesn't seem like that big of jump. No less overdue though.

At 9:57 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


You can open up an account with free checking.


And that is exactly why the hours should be changed.


G*d bless the pill.


Over draft (or draught) protection keeps one from drinking too much beer.


You should come to my bank. The Eastern European teller is hot hot hot.


I like the way you say nitty gritty.


I would have already wrecked in the drive through. Better to go in.


I go long on drinks and short on skirts.

b. port,

I like your financial theories.

At 10:00 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I knew you'd bail me out with that. So, I get to be the comedy team's straight man, huh??

At 11:20 PM, Blogger Sheila said...

I really love your world, Mist1. I want to move in with you.

At 11:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I didn't ask about your orientation.


Seriously, I have a good time in here.

At 1:24 AM, Blogger spoon said...

I think I could handle clerical errors like that one!!!

At 1:53 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Clerical errors are always best when they are in your favor.

At 3:10 AM, Blogger The Sarcasticynic said...

I suppose the bar would have to contain video cameras in order to maintain that feeling of people checking you out anonymously.

At 3:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I always try to avoid looking directly into those cameras at the bank. I feel like if they catch me looking, they will know that I am up to something. Then, I feel like they can tell that I am purposefully not looking and so I have to glance up just to prove that everything is cool.

At 3:28 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

where would the old people go mist if the banks were bars? they would be forced to enter "other" venues. think about this before you make such a drastic change. it could be earth moving!

smiles, bee

At 3:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I see plenty of old people in bars. I expect to be one of them some day.

At 3:57 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Old people need lap dances, too.

At 4:30 AM, Blogger dirty said...

This is a great concept because I've never actually been to a real bar...unless the strip club counts but that's a whole different world...not a bar.

I just got a job as a bank teller so if your little idea ever pans out...I will be one happy camper.


At 5:15 AM, Blogger Jazz said...

I like that idea. It would be so much less boring at the bank if they actually provided booze.

At 5:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I think Snoop once said, "it ain't no fun if the elderly can't get none."


Never been to a real bar? I don't even know what that means. I wish there was some way that I could help.


I'm printing this post and putting it in the suggestion box at the bank today.

At 5:36 AM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

"sometimes i lose interest at the bar" has me confused. i don't think i have ever lost interest in any way at the bar!

funny only goes so far, mist. take it back.

At 5:41 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

That would be a great idea merging banks and bars. If you spent all your money at the bar the barman could arrange an overdraft so you could carry on drinking!! Fantastic.

At 5:53 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Not a bad idea but seeing as how I do not have the VIP treatment - I don't know if I want to stand in line for my drink......

At 6:24 AM, Anonymous Trew Life said...

I swear, Mist 1, your imagination is SICK (in a good way). From a business point of view, that would be awesome. But I think a lot of people would probably take out way too much money or something... I mean, they're drunk for Pete's sake.

You should patent it. Give it a catchy name, just in case some California resident thinks of it (and you know California would be one of the first states to do it... They're just ahead of America, I guess).

- Ask Trew Life

At 6:35 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Damn Mist, I just KNEW you were going to say something like that...oh well, I still wrote it, so I can only blame myself.

At 7:01 AM, Blogger captain corky said...

Did the old people smell like moth balls? God I hope I don't smell like a moth ball when I retire.

At 7:04 AM, Blogger His Sinfulness said...

My favorite bar would be greatly enhanced by the addition of velvet ropes, but I don't want to see my elderly bank teller dressed like the barmaids down town. Wet t-shirt contests in the loan department would be cool, though...

At 7:11 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

OMG they make me take of my hat when I go to the bank.

Old people like to hang out at:
* The bank
* The grocery store
* Hardees
* The post office
* Members only factory outlet stores
* Buffets

Old people enjoy:
* hard candy
* talking about the weather
* giving their grandchildren money
* talking about the weather
* drinking free coffee refills at hardee's till noon
* scaring children with their dentures
* talking about the weather

these are facts

At 7:39 AM, Blogger Amber Dalton said...

The first commenter said "w00t." I find that amusing.

Oooh ooooh I know. If you did have to wait around in line they could have a scantily clad bar wench bringing titty-shooters or jello shots around. Aaaaawesome. I would go to the bank daily and get change for a dollar. ("More nickels, I need to tip the wench!")


At 7:44 AM, Blogger tammy said...

Hot Eastern European teller, huh? Careful, even overdraft has its limits. You both might end up bouncing Czechs.

At 7:52 AM, Blogger Susan said...

I want to be a barteller!! The bar I work at is full of suckers, however, I don't think they're flavored.

At 8:09 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I would be an AWESOME banktender.

At 8:22 AM, Blogger Flynn said...

I went to a bank once...

It was cool.


At 8:24 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Oh Christ, Mist1.

I'd definately get hit with an "over your limit" fee.

At 8:34 AM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

If that merger goes through, I'll be broke.

And always drunk.

At 9:09 AM, Blogger Tera said...

*Soprano chimes* I already like the title and the picture!!! Okay, now I'll go back and read the post!

At 9:09 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

I think you have enough here to count as a business plan. Surely, among all your readers, there's a vc out there. They (he/she) would be a fool not to be your angel.

It's always fun to be a cheerleader for someone else's doomed business.

At 9:16 AM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

Misty, if you like it now, just wait till they show you the VIP room. >:)

At 9:18 AM, Blogger Tera said...

Mist...this is a genious idea, I fear I would get nothing done, but the bills paid and shit faced!

At 9:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I get disinterested in conversations at the bar pretty quickly. Unless they are about me, my shoes, my eyelashes, or the future of Social Security.


I bet bank/bar robbery rates would be pretty high.


Just wear something tight and short. It will speed your transaction up.


Maybe I'll call it First National Lush Trust.


You always set me up so nicely. Say goodnight, Gracie.

capt. corky,

I didn't even know that moths had balls.

his sin,

My bank has lots of artificial plants, just in case people get sick.


You certainly know a lot about old people. Did you live amongst them while you compiled your data?


Hey, I was a shot girl once. I retired because of the risk of repetitive motion injury.


He's delicious. I undressed him with my eyes and hoped that he would drop my deposit slip.


Have you tasted them?


You're hired.


Did your bank offer fine amenities such as chained up pens and air conditioning?


I'm sure they could increase your limit.


Yes, but you'll have lollipops.


I should go back and read the post too. I wrote it at the um, bank.


Doomed would be if I added a Hertz Rental Car office to the mix.


How little you know me.


What more is there?

At 9:57 AM, Blogger Jenny! said...

What can be combined next!

Do you think if I flash the barteller I would get a little sumthin sumethin put into my account???

At 10:08 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Huffing gold paint? Bronze is pretty good though? This explains so much Mist. So very, very much. Bwahahahah. Have a great weekend. :)

At 10:08 AM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

Misty -

True. I don't know. But I know that I don't know. There goes our platonic relationship. Right out the door.

I can't say anything more about the Bank VIP room, except that .. What happens in the bank, stays at the bank. Except for when its reported to the major credit agencies. And to the federal government. And to select federal agencies. And of course, whenever anyone with a fake business wants to find out anything about you.

Oh. And anyone posing as a merchant who claims to have a check written by you and calls to see if it will clear.


So., is the idea that someone with a degree in "mixology" is supposed to , um. have your social security number?

At 10:14 AM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

Jenny, how about neighborhood mixer parties, and nude baths??

Hey, it works for the Japanese. I always wondered what it would be like to get nude with my next door neighbors. They named all their kids after russian czars.

At 10:43 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

You are welcome...and Goodnight Gracie

At 10:48 AM, Blogger LarryLilly said...

private parties in the "vault"?

yeah, but just dont let the cash they dole out come from the dancers tip jars.

At 11:14 AM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

Why I think that is a fabulous idea, maybe you can market your idea to your bank, I am sure that they would have so many customers, they would be rich...wait a minute most banks are already rich hu?

well, I hear that the silver is the best paint to huff...actually we had a pt come into the er his face was coverd in silver paint, when we asked him what he was huffing...He replied nothing what would give you the idea that I was huffing anything?..seriously..what was he thinking...

At 11:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


That's generally the way those things work out.


It explains the metallic sheen on my face.


So, your bank is a coffee can buried in the back yard, right?




We've got to class things up a bit. No tip jars. Strictly paper money or bonds.


I can't believe you all just jumped to conclusions like that.

At 11:24 AM, Blogger Tammie Jean said...

I only frequent the places that know of my good tip rating. Preferential treatment is a must...

At 11:43 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

What's wrong with the hours? You could drink before noon.

Sounds like heaven.

At 11:48 AM, Blogger Susan said...

A few mist...a few.

At 11:49 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

The hours could work in your favour - think how much fun the rest of the day would be if you were drunk by lunchtime.


At 12:40 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

I'd like my bank to merge with the sperm bank so I can get my deposits done all at once.

At 12:48 PM, Blogger Natalia said...

I want a sugar daddy. Nahh. Changed my mind.


At 1:14 PM, Blogger Camplin said...

I am drunk on your idea. I like going to art gallery openings, lots of free buzz and you don't have to go home with anything.

At 1:46 PM, Blogger K said...

haven't tried bronze. i am used to thinner, it has a eucalyptus scent to it. clears the colds out.

At 1:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I can imagine you at the bar now asking men what their tip rating is.


I only drink before noon on Sundays. Or if I'm still up from the night before.


So, you can confirm that the suckers have no taste.


The last time I did that, I tripped and fell. Luckily, my upper lip was there to catch me.


You must have a waterproof wallet.


There are no Sugar Daddies. There are lollipops. Maybe a Hershey's Kiss every now and then.


Art openings are the worst for me. After a few glasses of wine, I am quite knowledgeable about art and I say things like, "Wow, that's like so minimalist and stuff. I like the yellow."


You're on that natural kick, I see.

At 2:12 PM, Anonymous MisstressM said...

You forgot to mention that should you leave to use the Little Girl’s room you will not loose your place in line aka your SPOT. Now that’s a Barbank I would frequent.

At 3:00 PM, Blogger melanie said...

excellent correlation. of course you forgot to mention the assorted fruit tray that is used to dress each drink. Snacks!!!

I think the hours for the bank and the bar should be afternoon hours. Some days, once you see your statement you would need to have a drink.

At 3:41 PM, Blogger My Reflecting Pool said...

If only that were how it was, I'd bring the deposits more often. I avoid lollipops as kids dig thier hands into the candy bowl. ick.

At 4:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


At my barbank, you would have to sign in and wait for them to call your name.


I hadn't thought of that. The only fruits that I like in my drinks are limes or olives. Olives are fruit right?


They are wrapped for crying out loud.

At 4:22 PM, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

ooh - having a barteller brings on a whole new meaning to "customer service"

At 4:46 PM, Blogger ~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

My bank is boring! I need to switch now.

At 8:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


But I suppose there will be no more drive up banking. The cocktails would spill in the tube.


Switch. I'll get a free shot if I refer a friend.

At 10:35 PM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

..keeps all his money in a big brown bag inside the zoo


At 3:46 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Glad to know you've delved into a bag or two of paint in your time :o

I certainly do like your idea of a bank-bar.

At 4:02 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


The last time I went to the zoo, they took all my money at admission.


Now, I only use acrylic paints. Okay, maybe I have a few cans of Krylon around here.

At 4:44 AM, Blogger Rayne said...

now if we could only slip some karaoke in there somehow...

i found your blog recently, and am hopelessly addicted...

At 5:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Rayne and Mist. That is adorable. We should probably be best friends.

At 7:30 AM, Blogger Rayne said...

lol count me in...and thanks for the charming comment on my blog.. appreciate your stopping by ;-)


At 9:22 AM, Blogger Stacy said...

(ooh, i love raynes picture)

And... when you fall off the barstool, you would bounce just like my checks. what do you think? i might have had something slightly funny to comment for once.

At 9:35 AM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

Where do you come up with this shit?

At 11:45 AM, Blogger Edtime Stories said...

mist I love my bank too, fresh coffee and homebaked cakes are there and piles of Hershey Kisses. I never thought of it like my bar, I have to think about that.

At 12:49 PM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

Mist I have built a magic cocktail napkin for you that evens up the score. You wanted to know what I was up to at the Jekyll Island club. Sorry I dissed you in the comments but never found a way to delete any post so I decided I just never will. Enjoy

At 3:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm sure my sleep deprived comment is completely nonsensical. I need a nap.


I'm fine with bouncing. I just don't want to jiggle.


There's a lot of stuff that swims around in my head.


Your bank is better than my bank.


I got dissed? How did that escape me?

At 4:12 PM, Blogger eric313 said...

Even restaurants aren't giving away mints as much as they used to. I thought all peppermint came from restaurants for quite a while. Little plastic wrapped red and white striped enemies of our teeth. I have half a molar that used to be my sweet tooth.

At 4:13 PM, Blogger eric313 said...

grasshopers and crickets are like the hottie and the skank in our culure.

At 4:15 PM, Blogger eric313 said...

they are so close for many wrong reasons. Guys are probably the samway. No favorites here. Women will be our oppressors very soon.

At 4:16 PM, Blogger eric313 said...

I've done my part to help you to a hundred. It's steak time on the bbq in the motor city

At 5:36 PM, Blogger Peter DeWolf said...

What would you be able to get out of ATMs?

At 8:05 PM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

mistr1ss -

i have decided that my bank will be an S+M bar like the one in "the matrix". This is a final decision.

Please forgive me, it was not my place to have recently replied to your comment on colorless with a question - this one simply did not know the answer.

At 2:31 AM, Blogger Yoffi said...

I don't want my bank and bar to merge.

I get fast service at the bar and a slow excruciatingly painful one at the bank.

The bar has hot boys in it, the bank has old women (who look at me like I'm an idiot).

The bar is helpful, and has alcohol with nice couches and a warm inviting room tempreture. My bank on the other hand is freezing cold in winter and boiling hot in summer.

End Rant.

At 2:34 AM, Blogger Yoffi said...

Peter D - I'd say stick the condoms, ciggies and tissues in the ATM's. That way all you have to do is stick your card in one slot and get the lot.

Hehe, I rhyme! Slot, lot. Hehehe.

At 4:02 AM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

How shameless of me to post here, just to see if misty-wan kenobi can blow through 100 posts.

I mean, this would be the 87th post and it would not add anything material to the discussion, it would be a shameless waste of electrons.

That would mean that there are exactly thirteen comments left to the 100 mark from this post.

Who will be Number thirteen..

At 4:52 AM, Blogger Love Monkey said...

I love this idea - drive through banking/drinking.

Maybe the atm's can be modified to accomodate nip bottles? (they're plastic - I think this could work)

At 10:03 AM, Blogger eric313 said...

hey, you. You can't be as hung over as me and my hungover hypoglycemic ass. That's the real secret to getting crocked. A medical condition, yeah, babay!

At 10:09 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

I'd love it if that guy across the bar could make a deposit into my account instead of buying me drink. :)

At 10:17 AM, Blogger KeesKennis said...

Hi Mist 1,

I would like to talk to you as a father or an uncle, but you blew that, knowing about duct tape, and all.
Please tell me more about my fallibilities (spellCHECK).

When to where Camel Toe yeans,

At 10:20 AM, Blogger KeesKennis said...

Where = wear

Even your doctor tells me it is your fault. OK

At 1:36 PM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

webmiztris in about three years there will be a day when that will happen.

a friend of of a friend of mine built a company once around this thing where the gps coordinate of a cellphone can be tagged out in a bar. anyone who wants to set their availability for that area, just picks the place where they are known and then when two cellphones are close to ea. other with matching profiles they text ea. other for the location and visual ID. I forgot the name right now because he got bought out by someone and I am not sure where it all is, but they tried it out in florida. in miami. I almost want to say it was called empathy or something but thats not it.
can't remember .. grr..

At 2:01 PM, Blogger Honey said...

new meaning to the noun "bottlebank".

have you thought of names for your new bank pub?

At 4:31 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I hate those restaurant mints that look like stale marshmallows.


I rarely use ATMs. I am a plastic kind of person.


I like the S&M bar. I would make a withdrawal and say "thank you Sir, can I have another?"


That's sort of my point. Merging with a bar would solve those problems.


You have been approved for an account.


Gawd, that would be fantastic.


Where I live, duct tape is G*d.


I need help with names. After this weekend, my brain can't think of anything.

At 5:25 PM, Blogger eric313 said...

agreed. Vaguely multi-colored chalk licorice-things. Hatem'

At 5:51 PM, Blogger eric313 said...

you know?

At 5:52 PM, Blogger eric313 said...

i might as well use my amazing

At 5:53 PM, Blogger eric313 said...

comment whore abilities to

At 5:54 PM, Blogger eric313 said...

help you get a hundred!

Andes Mints
love those

At 6:53 PM, Blogger Greg said...

These are all very good ideas, but I am the only one who finds the beauty and pleasure in just drinking at the house, alone, in the dark, crying quietly?

...Oh, I am.

Uh. Nevermind.

At 3:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Hate licorice things. Passionately.


No, Greg. I like that too. I especially like the part where I wake up in what I hope is my own vomit.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

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