To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, July 02, 2007

Wildlife


Sometimes, I watch porn. I like the dialog and the intricacies of the plot and the shoes that the girls wear in interesting positions.

Until recently, I was ignorant to the bestiality genre of pornography. Fortunately, Avitable has opened my eyes to a whole new world; a freakishly horrific, and probably illegal new world.

When Av shared his porn collection with me, I expected an artsy film, something that juxtaposed the allure of midgets with the complex anatomy of horses. Instead, he surprised me with a nauseating flick involving a man wearing animal print and a snake. After watching it once (and once again in slow motion), I knew that I would never be the same. I thought I could handle seeing a snake make tender, passionate love to a man. Unfortunately, I was not prepared to see the man make tender, passionate love (in several disturbing , passionate ways) to the snake. I had lived my entire life without ever considering that snakes have vaginas.

My therapist recommends that I limit my contact with Av, but did not say anything about contact with snakes.


Mist 1

PS: Melodyann told me not to write about fat people on her blog today. Have you ever noticed how hard it is not to write about fat people when someone tells you not to write about fat people? Me too.

PPS: At Av's suggestion, here's the link. If you are at work and want to keep your job, maybe you should wait until you get home to click this link. If you don't like your job, what are you waiting for?


96 Comments:

At 2:25 AM, Blogger Pie said...

Until today I had never considered a snakes vagina. Now it's all I can think of, curse you Mist1.

And you only sometimes watch porn? This morning I checked my porn before I checked my email.

 
At 2:48 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Everyone's therapist recommends that about Av. He is on several government watchlists.

 
At 4:11 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

I'm not accustomed to seeing snakes with teeth in my porn. In fact. I've never seen a snake with more than one eye.

 
At 4:11 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

In porn. I should clarify that.

 
At 4:16 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who watches porn for the shoes.

Puss

 
At 5:24 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

You should have given the direct link so that everyone can experience such wonders.

http://www.avitable.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/snaked_fucker.wmv

I'm glad that I've made such an impact on your life. Now, when I show you my snake, you won't be so horrified.

 
At 5:26 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

What is attracting about a snake?
Even any animal?

 
At 5:56 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

pie,

Sometimes, I lie about how much porn I take in.

fab,

At least I got some good meds out of it.

phishez,

I didn't notice the teeth on the snake. I wasn't really looking at that end of the snake.

puss,

Seriously, what else would you watch it for? The quality acting?

av,

I'm adding the link. Now, I will be responsible for disturbing people with snake porn.

wreck,

Koalas are pretty hot. I think it's the pouch.

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Welcome to the club.

 
At 6:08 AM, Blogger fringes said...

What took you so long to post today? Michael C is probably calling every emergency room in the country looking for you.

 
At 6:10 AM, Blogger Susan said...

I'm afraid to look even when I'm off work..

 
At 6:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

There'd better be perks.

fringes,

It turns out that the county jail does not have a computer lab.

susan,

You are a wise, wise woman.

 
At 6:12 AM, Blogger TOM said...

Imagine one of those spiked heels puncturing a water bed....I'm just waiting for that to happen!! I know it will so I'm gonna keep watching!!

 
At 6:13 AM, Blogger ADW said...

I don't watch porn for the shoes, I watch it for the balls. I like to compare them in size and texture to my own to see if I need to upgrade. I am thinking of trading in my brass ones for platinum.

 
At 6:15 AM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

i will not watch that snake porn, i will not watch that snake porn.

damn, i gotta go watch snake porn. i'm mad at you for this. we aren't talking for 10 minutes.

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tom,

Does anyone still have a water bed?

adw,

Platinum is nice, but the Franklin Mint offers a lovely commemorative pair cast in fine pewter.

hello,

You will never be able to look me in the blog again.

 
At 6:41 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

o.m.g. I thought I had better control of my gag reflex than I actually do.

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Well I'd leave a more charming (crap that makes me think of snake charmers) comment, but I need to slither (crap, did it again) to my therapist after reading this. She'll probably hiss (damnit!) at me for not being there since March...

 
At 7:03 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

Okay.

I'm gonna go watch it now.

If I don't come back....you'll know why.

 
At 7:09 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

SNAKES HAVE VAGINAS??!?!?

Excuse me while I go vomit and then use a clorox eye wash.

ICK!!!

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

wg,

There's nothing that you could have done to prevent that reaction. It's perfectly natural.

michael,

March?! If I was AWOL from therapy for that long, they'd send out a search party.

pissy,

I'm so sorry. I thought you knew that when I say that something is disturbing, I mean it.

 
At 7:24 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

I guess they don't care much about or for me. Time to seek a new therapist you think??

 
At 7:31 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Ew, perv.

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger blog Portland said...

That video is exactly the kind of pervery I would expect when you and Avitable join forces.

 
At 8:12 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

If I ever question the working order of my gag reflex i know I can come to this blog and have it tested.
*shudders* I don't even want to click the link.

 
At 8:13 AM, Blogger Beth said...

wait a minute...snakes have VAGINAS?!! who knew?

 
At 8:15 AM, Blogger maximo said...

i'm stunned. gobsmacked, even.

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

GOBSMACKED! God I love that word.

um...ok. Yeah. That's all I got.

 
At 8:49 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Except that I cannot see the word "snakes" without uttering the immortal words of Samuel L Jackson....

YOu know the ones.

 
At 8:57 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

No. The therapist is fine. You're not crazy enough. Keep practicing.

nolff,

Do you think less of me?

b. port,

That sort of makes me feel like we're some kind of evil degenerate super heroes. Cool. Av likes wearing tights.

mayren,

Av makes you that nauseous?

beth,

I know. I guess I should have figured that out. Where did I think the eggs came out?

maximo,

So was the snake.

scotts,

That was an excellent word. Bonus points to Maximo. And that phrase just sounds nasty to me right now.

 
At 9:11 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Um, what's wrong w/ having sex with animals?

 
At 9:18 AM, Blogger melanie said...

man, i haven't even had coffee yet. I am not ready for "wildlife". Much less sex with a snake.

now i have images in my head. Thanks for nothin.

 
At 9:19 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Not one bit, baby.

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

Even though you properly warned me of the disturbing images I was about to see... I wasn't prepared. I just wasn't ready for snake lady bits.

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger maximo said...

i didn't watch the entire video. but i have a few questions.

1. if a man were to perform a porno, wouldn't it make more sense to be reasonably well hung?

2. aren't people afraid of who will see these videos?

3. did they do something with the other end of the snake while he had his pee-pee up the snake's hoo-hah? ('cos that might make it sorta more ok for me but not really.)

 
At 9:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Oh, Matt...you don't have any pets, right?

melanie,

Coffee will not get you ready for that.

nolff,

I have always admired how nonjudgmental you are.

chef,

I think the only person prepared was the guy.

maximo,

1. Perhaps the snake's definition of "reasonably" differs from yours.

2. No. They are not afraid of us. We are afraid of them.

3. Clearly, you have never watched Animal Planet. Snake jaws can unhinge to allow them to consume an entire water buffalo in one swallow. You don't want to be on the other end of a snake swallowing.

 
At 9:37 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Just read CEO's report.

Mist: Marriage In Serious Trouble? There sure are a lot of Mists out there.

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

I'm pretty sure that any marriage of mine would be in serious trouble. Or at least in court.

And yes, Mist 1 has incorporated. I have a staff to read and comment on blogs for me. There are entry level positions open if you're interested, Matt.

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger Plump Pigeon said...

I know i dont want to click on the link.... but i probably will... what to do, what to do....

*braces self and clicks on link*

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger Plump Pigeon said...

I am disturbed beyond all reason. That is so wrong.

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger Mood Indigo said...

snakes smell. Like bad. EW.

 
At 10:09 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

I return from a technology forced hiatus and I get to read about snake porn. Ah, it's good to be back. ;)

The thought of snake porn is making my skin crawl more than any snake alone could.

 
At 10:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

pigeon,

If I warn you that cutting off your own hand is going to be followed by intense pain, will you only hold out for a minute before you have to test it out for yourself?

mood,

So do turtles. Av probably has some good turtle porn.

velvet,

Welcome back to technology. Enjoy the extreme disgust.

 
At 10:23 AM, Blogger LarryLilly said...

You can teach facts, but you can never teach taste.

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger CondoBlogger said...

I just don't get it... who thought of that the first time? It's like the guy who found out that licking certain frogs or toads will get you high... how'd they figure that out? Is snake fucking a common practice? Too - Many - Questions...

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

I want to be apart of a Mist Inc!!!

 
At 10:54 AM, Blogger Tera said...

Gross...okay what enjoyment was the woman getting out of that? And how in the hell does that poor snake feel about that? Utterly disgusting!!!!

I am a little less upset with my family memeber's friend from back in the day who used to have sex with sheep...

 
At 10:56 AM, Anonymous MisstressM said...

I am doing this sex thing all wrong. Where were you all my life, girly?

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger Vengelyne said...

So now that the video has established that snakes have vaginas, do the male species have penises? I don't watch Discovery.

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger Jenny! said...

I bet those snakes were the rejects from Snakes On A Plane...they were embarrased by their lack of talent and had to resort to porn!

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

I'm still traumatized from the last time I viewed that video. I gotta remember to show that one to my husband so we can share the trauma. Because I love him that much, ya know? :)

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger maximo said...

"They are not afraid of us. We are afraid of them."

oh you're right. why do i question the wisdom of the mist? (though... i might be more afraid of their offspring. call me a bigot if you must, but i'm viscerally opposed to the existence of mutant snake-human half-breeds.)

fyi, i believe it's a cloeca, not a vagina. (see? i do too watch animal planet--although i suppose that bit of info could also be construed as evidence that i watch animal porn.)

 
At 12:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

larry,

I heard that snake tastes like chicken.

condo,

I think that was a video of the guy who thought of that for the first time. Most people have more sense.

mayren,

Fill out an application and submit a writing sample. Please attach a picture of your shoes.

tera,

Somehow, it doesn't seem as wrong to screw sheep. Good point.

misstress,

I have an ear to the street. His name is Avitable.

venge,

I'm going to do my best to never know the answer to that question.

jenny,

That is so sad. She was probably all strung out too.

miztris,

I'm glad that I can help you and your husband share some special time together.

maximo,

Cloeca. That's the second time you've had a great word here today. I must try to work this one into my vocabulary. I have to see my accountant this week, I think that's an appropriate time to demo my new word.

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger karma lennon said...

This post just scared me and I've seen alien porn. Also I can't believe the thugs made you watch that Paula Abdul show as well. I would've drawn the line there!

 
At 1:20 PM, Blogger eric313 said...

Wow. Talk about being resourceful. You and the porn directors. I will skip that link, but check on fat people and their feelings about being documented.

PS-I tried to get you a hundred on the guinea pig tribute as well. Just a nice gesture.

And licorice is abane, but as with may rules of mine, I do like Jager and redbull. I can put up with that taste then. Sambuca or however you spell it is the clear super licorice liquor and tha's basty, too. Absinthe should be legalized and that stuff outlawed. That and ouzo. My god, as if licorice was appealing ever. I guess alcoholics like it.

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

That is just wrong...even in my curiously warped mind I can not even conceive this type of behavor..great now I think I need therapy...ohhh wait I probably always needed therapy but now I have a good excuse it was all...ummm AV's fault...at least my mother would be happy it was someone elses fault..

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger Tammie Jean said...

Oh, I won't be watching whatever that link leads to... I'm almost positive it would give me nightmares...

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger Ros said...

Did you ever see the one where the guy was 'with' a horse and died? Talk about disturbing.

Personally I think 90% of what gets these guys off is knowing just how taboo their activities are. So by glorifying it you are, in a peripheral way, participating in it.

Now I feel gross.

 
At 1:41 PM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

That is truly disgusting. Methinks I need to Clorox my laptop. Ughhhhh!

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger ShadowFalcon said...

ahhhhh too much information!

 
At 2:13 PM, Blogger Winter said...

No. No. No.

And No.

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger ~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

Yes, I am really gonna start sending my shrink's bills to you...

 
At 3:53 PM, Blogger tim said...

I... that is, I... um... but how do... er...

I have absolutely no words to describe how this post makes me feel.

 
At 4:01 PM, Anonymous Trew Life Advice said...

Mist 1, I am almost extremely terrified to watch the damn thing!

- Ask Trew Life

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger Lee said...

Ditto what Winter said.

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger Not a Granny said...

OMG..the best looking critter in the room was the snake..ugh...I need more wine...sh** I have to go to the store..maybe they will deliver. OMG is all I can keep thinking...

 
At 4:30 PM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

Paddle faster. I think I hear a banjo

 
At 4:35 PM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

---
hey karma lennon I think I've seen that same alien sex film! Wow, we're like. Bonding. Green foamy stuff all over, right? Sort of looks like St. Patrick's day cool whip? Or cheese whiz?

 
At 4:39 PM, Blogger turnerBroadcasting said...

r.o.fl.mao.
(tears in eyes)

arg. can't breathe...
uh oh.


... a light inthe sky...


what do they want wwith me?

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger Mystic Wing said...

Truly horrifying. Tormenting dumb animals is right up there with child molestation in my book—but that's probably on the ticket for Tuesdays and Thursdays for this fun couple.

The good news is that oral contact with uncooked reptiles often leads to salmonella poisoning. We can only hope....

 
At 5:53 PM, Blogger Lex said...

WTF??? That poor snake. WTF???

 
At 6:44 PM, Anonymous archie said...

I think the snake (I did not watch) probably felt short changed - He has only one?

"The male snake has two separate intromittent organs, the hemipenes."

 
At 6:51 PM, Blogger melodyann said...

Thanks for posting on my blog! I loved it!!!

 
At 6:51 PM, Blogger Tiggerlane said...

Oh. My. GAWD.

I have never seen anything like that before in my life.

I'm not sure I should thank you for the education.

Shoe-shopping, anyone?

 
At 7:06 PM, Blogger Amber Dalton said...

Mist, you and I are not speaking for a while.

The entire time I was thinking, "how does he know the snake likes it? Does the snake like it? How would one know!? When it doesn't bite your cock off?"

Ugh.

-AD

 
At 7:52 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

 
At 8:20 PM, Blogger C said...

Oh gag. he ate the snake out. Gag spit gross.

 
At 8:43 PM, Blogger Dan said...

I can see lonely guys rushing to the pet shop right now.

 
At 8:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

karma,

The one with Paula and the snake is pretty good.

eric,

I don't do licorice. I can't even eat fennel or anise.

tellin,

We all need therapy.

tammie,

It won't just mess up your nights. It will also mess up Animal Planet specials.

ros,

Your academic approach to the subject matter frightens me.

edgy,

I think the man should have to drink Chlorox.

shadow,

I don't think he had nearly enough information. He didn't have a brain to store information.

winter,

That's what the snake said.

silver,

I have already pawned my car title for my own sanity. I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do for you now.

tim,

Give me a hint. Is it warm and good or is it dirty and bad?

lee,

Ditto what I said to Winter.

granny,

I kept thinking that the snake would make good shoes. In this case, the snake probably would have preferred to die.

turner,

I've got to get that alien movie.

mystic,

Well said. Cheers to salmonella.

lex,

My poor eyes.

archie,

Remind me not to date a snake.

melodyann,

I was afraid that you were going to be angry.

tigger,

If you had, would you admit it?

amber,

Stop it. I am trying not to remember the details.

c,

I don't know how some of these people get released to the wild.

 
At 8:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dan,

I demand a portion of snake sales.

 
At 8:58 PM, Anonymous hedgehog said...

You were very kind not to include the cockroach porn I sent you the other day. I'm not that nice.

 
At 9:46 PM, Blogger tim said...

It makes me feel warm and dirty. As long as I let it lie on a rock in the sun for a hour or so.

 
At 1:55 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I like my porn without scales, fur or anything that had more than two legs and two arms.. so that doesn't totally rule you out, Mist ;)

 
At 4:12 AM, Blogger CG said...

OMG, SNAKES!! my life will never be the same..

 
At 6:43 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hedgehog,

Stuff like that is how I know that there is nothing wrong with me. I am just fine.

tim,

I prefer cold and dirty. Like a martini.

orhan,

If I admit that last winter I had a tiny scaly patch of dry skin on my arm, does that rule me out?

cg,

I'm glad that I could help.

 
At 10:31 AM, Blogger Plump Pigeon said...

Re; cutting off my hand

Nah, i probably wouldn't even wait the minute. Tho it depends which hand.

 
At 3:01 PM, Blogger jennifer_starfall said...

i've seen some pretty fucked up shit, but damn. at least he went down on her first.

 
At 8:50 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

pidge,

I couldn't cut off my hands. They are one of my best features. After my shoes and hair and eyelashes and neck, but before my shoulders and calves. That's my daily affirmation.

jen,

Ew, Jen. Ew.

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger Spellbound said...

I have just found a line I would not cross for man, woman, or animal. Lord, Mist, and I say this in a very non judgmental way, listen to your therapist.

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger Uncivil said...

I don't usually get grossed out to easy, but that shit takes the cake.

That dude needs to be in a maximum security prison.Or better yet just take him outside and shoot him in the head!

 
At 10:37 PM, Blogger tallulah said...

Like, I'm so hot right now.

 
At 10:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

how the heck did i miss out on this post??!!!

ok uhh.. i click on the link, i seen the....ohh fuckery.. i'm lost for words.

that's nasty!!! nassssteeee!!!

=:O@
theshygiraffe

 
At 1:02 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

spell,

This is a line that I didn't even know existed.

uncivil,

No prison system is prepared to rehabilitate that man.

tallulah,

I can probably get Avitable to hook you up with the snake.

anon,

Don't you sort of wish that you had missed this post?

 
At 3:28 PM, Blogger Uncivil said...

If ya walk out in the back yard and find a 200 pound female python wrapped around your favorite female sheep, and the first thing that comes to your mind is ménage à trois.........you might be a redneck!

 
At 4:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

uncivil,

That reminds me of prom.

 
At 12:21 PM, Blogger Sourendra Kumar Das said...

kewl one... i hope its a real python...its a new thing to learn...suggest some more websites where we can see snake sex with gay men...you can email at sourendra.das@gmail.com

 

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