To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Kitchen Stink



The kitchen sink (a.k.a. The Kitchen Stink/The Kitchen Swamp) situation was out of hand.

The drain has been sluggish for months (so have I, but I haven't done anything about that either). Periodically, I poured a bottle of highly caustic chemicals down it. This problem is just too big to be handled by homeopathic remedies.

I have invited people over, just to get their opinions on the kitchen stink/swamp situation. They always suggest something nice like baking soda and vinegar. I am not making a f*cking volcano for my science class. Something has died in my drain, been reincarnated, and is coming back to haunt me.

I tried the plunger. I have no control over a plunger. It slid around the greasy bottom of the stink/swamp and when I jerked it free, particles of salsa, grated cheese, corn, and an unidentifyable slimy substance hit the ceiling fan. It did leave a rather lovely spiral print on the ceiling which I admire every day.

I went to Ace Hardware and asked for advice. I didn't want Mike to know how disgusting I am and just how long I've let the situation fester. I pretended that I was shopping for Drain-o for a friend. As though that's perfectly normal. I even made pretend phone calls to my own voicemail to get the details for him. "What? You say it's pretty backed up? It's been that way for how long?"

I think he was convinced.

Mike sold me a bottle of "Liquid Fire." It had a picture of a skull on it, so I was willing to pay the $6. He placed the bottle in my hands like it was Holy Water and warned me to only pour a tablespoon down the drain. I looked him in the eye and gave him my word.

I knew that I would pour the entire contents of the bottle down the drain as soon as I got home.

I poured half the bottle down the drain. It began to smoke. I ran the cold water and stepped outside to make a phone call. When I came back in, the sink was nearly overflowing. I retched. Then I cursed. Then I poured the rest of the bottle into the stink/swamp. Nothing. The neighbors were grilling so I invited myself over. It smelled like eggs. "Are you boiling eggs?" I asked. They weren't. I ducked back in the house to grab my valuables. I waved goodbye to my neighbors, "Sorry, I can't stay...I erm, I just remembered that I'm late for something very important. If anything blows up tonight, I don't know anything about it." They looked confused, but they are used to me.

When I got home the next morning, nothing had changed. The kitchen stink/swamp was full. It smelled worse than ever. G came over for a cup of coffee and poured the grounds into the sink.

It has worked perfectly ever since. I bet my neighbors have a hell of a clog.

Mist 1


29 Comments:

At 4:12 AM, Blogger Mr. G said...

Ok..so what you're trying to tell us is that just the grounds from your morning coffee are more caustic than "Liquid Fire"???

Damn Girl...you've gotta' start making me coffee in the mornings 'cause that shit will start your day right! I'll even pay for your relocation.

 
At 4:16 AM, Blogger K said...

oh. my. goodness.

how about my garbage disposal didn't work for like two months and i would have to pour bleach down the drain about every two days to keep my kitchen from smelling like someone's asscrack after having diarrhea?

eventually, i would get my knife and turn the blades myself. the apartment complex conveniently fixed the drain the same day i moved out of the apartment. how ironic.

 
At 4:26 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mr. g,

It's not so much coffee as crack and toasted almond crackmate.

k,

Um, I'm not sure but I don't think turning the blades with a knife is approved.

 
At 4:37 AM, Blogger Gambo said...

I find a handfull of fishing maggots every few days does the trick.

 
At 6:10 AM, Blogger Mr. G said...

So that's what I'm doing wrong....I always thought that crack was for lunch - now you tell me it's supposed to be for breakfast...gotta' alter my plans for tomorrow...

 
At 6:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

gambo,

D*mn. I just flushed the maggots.

(gagging)

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

As a home owner I can say there's nothing nastier than having to clean a drain out. From experience I can say don't eat before doing this, and probably not for a couple hours after.

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger Dallas DYSfunction said...

I just laughed until I threw up a little in my mouth...then I swallowed it. Thanks for breakfast.

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

there's nothing worse than when it smells like something died down your drain. i guess i'm like you in the fact that i pour everything down there..ie bacon grease, food etc...(and I don't have a garbage disposal)i think things came to a head when the same thing happened to me and NOTHING was cutting thru. I now give the pipes a Javex bath once a week, whethere it needs it or not. This allow me to continue my "use the sink as a garbage can" lifestyle.

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger Trying2BMe said...

That is too funny. I can imagine the battle being waged in that kitchen. Glad you got it under control.

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mr. g,

You have so much to learn. You are in good hands.

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nerd,

Strangely, I was in the mood for nachos.

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger old lady said...

I think I might throw up.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger C said...

How vile. I can't believe coffee grounds made it work.

 
At 3:52 PM, Blogger Mindless Dribbler said...

Well, coffee grounds are good for something. Hell, at least coffee period is good for something.

And to think, G could've saved you 6 bucks.

Although, you did get a picture of a skull :)

 
At 4:25 PM, Blogger White Forest said...

hmm..ne other solutions ?

 
At 5:55 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

You know what's worse than the kitchen sink being clogged? The shower drain, I had that job last weekend, water wasn't going down so fast, I took it apart, big mistake, needless to say, lunch and dinner was out of the question.

 
At 6:13 PM, Blogger Echo Mouse said...

Well, you're lucky you didn't burn a hole in your pipes with that liquid fire stuff. LOL That's why they say only use a small amount.

Seriously, your life is a trip. I'm glad this worked out okay. And yes I'm laughing damnit but I'm trying to leave a profound comment for once.

 
At 8:04 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

Tablespoon? What the hell would a tablespoon do? You would have been better off just putting a tablespoon of your purse lube in there to get it to slide down!

 
At 8:07 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

When I have a tummy ache I try to holistically get rid of it by thinking I am a clogged drain. If I remove the clog I will feel better.

It never works, but if I take some Eno then it's like I'm treating the clog with drano. Give it ten minutes, a few gassy farts emerge and and I'm feeling good as new!

 
At 8:34 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

So you need your pipes cleaned, eh?

 
At 9:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dallas,

You are sick from your date. Not from my sink. Let's be honest.

darlene,

What the hell is Javex and where can I buy some? Is it cheaper than coffee?

trying,

That's about all I have under control.

karen,

Glad I could help with the new diet.

c,

Coffee makes everything better.

mindless,

$$ is no object. I also got a lovely scorch mark on the bottom of my sink.

white forest,

No need for other solutions. Clearly, my coffee is enough.

 
At 9:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anastasia,

I can deal with the drain in the tub. It's just my hair. I own a special pair of tweezers for the job.

echo,

I live dangerously. Also, it's just profound enough to me that you're here at all reading this sh*t.

nihilistic,

I was with you until you suggested that I sacrifice the lube for the drain. Be serious. We're talking self-warming, okay?

 
At 9:45 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

icl,

What the hell is Eno? Does it work on drains?

Not to repeat myself, but is it cheaper than coffee? Is it shade grown?

 
At 9:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

avitable,

I thought you'd never ask...

 
At 10:07 AM, Anonymous KristynMarie said...

Well, when in doubt I always turn to denial. I would probably run a lemon down the garbage disposal to hide the small and try to pretend there was nothing at all wrong with my sink. ;)

Kristyn

 
At 10:28 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kristyn,

Again...waaayyyy past the point where homemade natural fixes would be effective. Except of course for coffee grounds.

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger Carney said...

The coffee ground thing worked for me too. Many people say that they clog the sink, but I think it has more to do with common sense. Really how is something so small and organic going to clog your sink? Rather they get caught in clogs.

I think it has something to do with the abraisive quality of the grounds.

http://www.worldcoast.ca/node/582

 
At 5:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

carney,

And here I thought my coffee was caustic.

 

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