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Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.
Diet Plan
I've never been good at counting calories. It turns out that it's a really good way to ruin my day. Also, it really annoys other people when I count out loud.
I have developed my own personal system to monitor my caloric intake.
1. Begin with the number of calories recommended for a woman of my size/age/level of activity (how many calories does typing burn?).
2. Assign random numbers of calories to each item that I eat in a day (I prefer round numbers, never prime numbers).
3. Add up my daily total.
I always make sure that my total is a few hundred calories short of my recommended intake. Sometimes this requires tweaking the numbers a bit. Then I drink beer to make up the difference. So far, it's working really well.
Sunday got complicated. I had to subtract calories for the celery in my bloody mary. But I had to add calories for that little bit of toothpaste I swallowed. I decided that chewing gum burned calories, but then I swallowed the gum when I was talking on the phone. Complicating the issue; I still had to mail a thank you card and would have to factor in the calories from licking the stamp and envelope.
I decided that a late thank you card is better than no card at all. I will send it today.
Mist 1
"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut
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Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA
Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.
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65 Comments:
counting calories, esp out loud, burns more calories. i hope you factored that into all your equations.
christine,
You must be a dietician. Today, I will have an extra beer to make up for yesterday.
man,
I am lucky that I am not wasting away.
nerd,
It's very complex. I'm not trying to shed pounds, I'm trying to consume as much beer as possible.
I love the way you think!
Don't forget to subtract or add calories for the following activities or food consumed:
Add:
- Sleeping when you dream about food
- Food consumed outside of the 30 second limit when it's fallen on the floor - you need to add the
calories for the added dirt.
- ice chips consumed while pretending they are freezies
Subtract:
- When you have to exhert yourself for a really big poopy
- when you walk into a room and forget what you went there for
- wine that tastes bad even though it does the job
Thanks for waking up my brain this morning!
Ah, I've spent the last five years trying to consume as much beer as possible. Good luck with that.
Good luck with that, truly!
But I had to add calories for that little bit of toothpaste I swallowed. I decided that chewing gum burned calories, but then I swallowed the gum when I was talking on the phone.
I lol'd.
Mist -
To aid in your beer consumption quest - I ask that you keep in mind that breathing and blinking both burn calories...adjust that calorie count accordingly...
I'd sooner just not eat instead of count calories.
It might lead to death...but I am prepared to accept that fate. ;)
Steve~
Let's see, we got your dynamic computing, dynamic scaling and recalibration of ordinal indexes, and decision-making under uncertainty. You're up there with the three body problem in physics, or how to land a capsule on the moon. Get yourself a case of the Oktoberfest, kick back and drink up.
That was complicated.
I hope you didn't get any papercuts from licking too many stamps. But then again, if you had papercuts on yr tongue, you wouldn't be able to eat much. So that's already minimising your calory-intake, unless of course downing beer doesn't require your tongue's intervention...
icl,
Hate to argue...but, food that falls on the floor loses it's calories because you can't tell anyone that you ate it. Food that no one sees you eat has no caloric value.
karma,
Maybe we can start a team or a club.
mindless,
What did Jared ever do to you?
orhan,
Thanks for the well wishes. You know how if you swallow gum, it becomes a permanent part of you, well I am afraid that calories from swallowed gum stay with you forever.
mr. g,
I bat my eyelashes frequently. I am probably over-developing those muscles.
steve,
You are so brave.
ceo,
I had no idea how complex I am. No wonder people always stare at me blankly and say, "I just don't get it."
venge,
FYI: Each postage stamp is about 3 calories, depending on how well you lick it.
Hi Mist
Techincally speaking, as beer is brewed from barley or wheat, it counts as wholegrains, i.e. very healthy and vegetable! Drink five pints and you will have fulfilled your five-a-day requirement.
I'd still prefer gin myself, but we've had that conversation...
GP
I have nothing to add. It's all been said. I lost weight just reading the comments.....Thanks!
Peace
puss,
No wonder I feel great. I have conquered the food pyramid.
odat,
Richard Simmons and I are considering a partnership. Would you like to be in the video? You justhave to sit and type and tell us your success story.
good luck with that. I gave up on calories...sadly they haven't given up on me.
good luck with that. I gave up on calories...sadly they haven't given up on me.
dallas,
That is so sweet. My whole life, people have given up on me. Count your blessings, not your calories.
somehow you lost me after the first paragraph. can you tell i was never good at counting calories?
k,
Math is hard. I used to have a Barbie that said that when I pushed the button in the middle of her back.
I like to believe that I burn at least 50 calories by playing Backgammon on my cell phone while sitting on the toilet at work.
Then I lose all track of time and don't realize it until my right leg goes numb.
A long time ago I went on a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup diet...Didn't count the fat content, but it was about 375 calories for 2 - so I assumed I could eat them 3 times a day & still be under 1200 calories. I thought I was a bloody genius. I think tequila is carb free (or is it vodka?)...Your daily intake plan is cool - you should start a "Weight Watchers-like" program. I'll join.
I have always heard that gum sticks to the lining of your stomach and never comes out. Is this true?
Don't forget celery has negative calories because it takes more effort to eat it and digest it than energy content.
Come to think of it you could look at swallowed gum in the same way really...kinda like digestive aerobics.
Another little something I realised a few years back is that pizza (happily the perfect accompaniment to beer) is in fact a complete food - it contains all 5 food groups (Breads/Cereals within the base, Fruit and Vege with the tomato base and capsicums etc, Protein in the ham, salami, mushroom etc, Milk/Milk Products in the cheese topping and a little of Fats/Oil with the olive oil.
A non vege pizza will also contain representatives from all 3 Kingdoms - Animal, Plant and Fungi thereby making you one with the earth really...
Bah, counting calories! I just prefer not to eat. But, if it helps, I've heard food only has calories when you eat alone. ;)
Kristyn
Hmmm... I have thought for a good couple of hours on a witty comment however about all of the ideas I came up with have been covered by your bloggroupies. (of which I am a proud and upstanding member of).
I do have some questions about calories. Are farts just the ghosts of used and burned calories? How many calories does a good fart burn? And, If you should fart hard enough that it burns enough calories to perpetually feed itself till all the calories are burned, could we be on to a perfect farting weight reduction program?
Your thoughts please....
Later Yall...
I like it. I really really like it. Please consider the following:
a)any chocolate stored on top of the fridge is automatically reduced calorie, since it is a known fact that calories are afraid of height and jump if placed on top of the fridge.
b)eating food while drinking a diet drink cancels all calories out.
c)if cookies are eaten, break into small pieces so all calories can fall out
d)if a Snickers bar is put in the freezer, you exert as many calories gnawing on it as it has in it, therefore, zero net calories.
I will be adding the cheap wine subtraction and eyelash batting to my list of diet modifications.
I'm with Steven on this one.
I pretty much only eat so that I don't faint. Not that I'm endorsing that. It's very bad for you.
I used your name in a post on my blog about the bitacle bullshit. I hope you're OK with it. This isn't a post, please. Let me know if you have a problem. Please ditch this. Thanks.
That's why I had to buy diet toothpaste!
phoenix,
At least 50 calories. I would venture to say that it's closer to the number of calories in the chocolate that you have stolen from the bowl on your coworker's desk. It all evens out.
darlene,
I am working on a marketing pitch right now. Of course, there will be a free introductory period (cost of beer not included).
c,
Sort of. You see, when you swallow gum it remains in your body forever, but not in your stomach or intestines or anything like that. It finds a permanent home in your gallbladder or spleen or epiglottis or some other body part that nobody really knows what it's for. Thanks for asking.
meredith,
Please don't forget to blot the pizza on paper napkins, thereby removing almost all calories.
kristyn,
I believe that you are mistaken. Food eaten without an audience does not count. Always eat before dining with people. Never eat on an empty stomach. I'm glad we cleared that up.
melon,
Farting does burn calories, however when you smell your own farts (or those of others)you are re-consuming those calories. Handy fact: Farting in cold weather burns more calories. Thanks for asking. I am happy to share my tremendous knowledge of nutrition and gas.
wg,
I feel threatened by your understanding of my system.
kare,
I wear clothes so that I won't be naked. Not that I endorse this...
nihilistic,
Does it have that funny diet taste? Or is it really enjoyable like Diet Coke with Black Cherry and Vanilla?
There is another side to the equation that you haven't considered. If calories burned exceeds calories taken in, you can take more calories in.
So, cut the following deal with Ilya. You get to chase him until you burn off enough calories to be able to drink so a six pack of beer and dinner. He tries to avoid you. So, you do a lot of running, and burn a lot of calories fast.
Now, here's the good part. The stake. If you catch him, you get to have your way with him later that evening for two hours. If you can't catch him at all, he gets to have his way with you for two hours. And you don't have to speak a word of Russian!
Not a bad start to the future marriage, you have the perfect calorie counter, and you didn't sprain your ankle falling off the zamboni nor risk the rest of the ice hockey team. Everyone wins big
ceo,
I have had two glasses of wine. I may delete this comment in the morning.
I have been outsmarted.
You are far better at chasing men and watching my waste/waist than I am.
Facercise also burns calories. And so does saying, "NO, I DON'T HAVE TOURETTE'S! IT'S FACERCISE."
Check it out at facercise.com
sabilak,
Oh Dear G*d. I'm not sure if this is helpful or not. I am going to sign up for a facercise class at the gym tomorrow. I will, of course, have to shop for a facercise outfit.
Get yourself a dentist...sore teeth doesn't allow you to eat much at all but you can still drink beer through a straw!
spoon,
That is pure genius. Isn't there a way that I could have sore teeth without the expense of visiting the dentist?
Mist
I could never outdo you at anything. and if you don't know that, i am here to tell you. Go delete the last comment. It's wrong. You do not have to try again if you don't want. I am the straight guy here. I throw the ball up to the net, and you spike it with that amazing Hemmingway-like skill, speed, and grace. I am NOT the creative writer. I conceed that to you joyously. And thank you for playing! I'll stop whenever you say. If it gets to be too much, let me know. I do not want to kill a great thing. Thankyouverymuch.
Monty
You could chew on nails, that would make your teeth sore.
ceo,
I love the game. It's almost like talking to a real live person without leaving my house.
ceo,
I had a bad experience trying to swallow swords. I think I'll pass on the nails. Now flames, I'd be willing to try.
Mist
Great answer - you move on the next level. Players prepare for Double Jeopardy.
c,
Double Jeopardy sounds dangerous. Let me get my helmet. Oh wait, I'm already wearing it.
Curses foiled again. I'll take Premium Beers for $600 C/Alex How many Yuengling Black and Tans can you drink if a horney male guerilla in heat on roller skates is chasing you with NO condom for an hour? Hint, you can't roller skate.
C'mon Mist, you don't talk to real live people, just the artificial electronic kind like me. I am really a gigantic simulation program at the University of Waterloo in Canada that has run amuck with a permanent I/O error. I was designed to take over the phone sex trade in Thailand before the coup, and then corner the world market posing as the prittier of two Albanian twin lesbians who are cousins, with matching hare lips. I only speak Turkish, by the way. Right away you can see the I/O error, and my inability to generate a paragraph. Tragic Not the kind of girls you'd expect to meet in your living room. Bedroom maybe.
I sneer at Double Jeopardy.
(ce)o,
Premium beers for $600? Can you cover my tab? Thanks. That's why I like hanging out with the CEO. It all gets expensed.
You are remarkably intriguing for Artificial Intelligence. I usually just talk to myself.
You see the girls in my living room too? Thank G*d. I thought I was losing it.
Of course I see three or four of you. One's passed out in the bathroom, two in the bedroom, and a couple in the living room. I left that grain in one of these posts. Who ate my damn bread crumbs? C, did you eat my bread crumbs? I'll take Bread Crumbs for $400.
o,
You mean you can see all of us? I talk to all of us, but I can't see us. I hope we are all fashionably dressed.
You know how it is with the twin lesbian cousins, give 'em an inch....other than that, I never comment on women's fashions. Much safer that way.
1
On a more formal note, a wish for you to be inscribed into the Book of Life for this Year, along with a prayer for health, and subsequent success and wealth. And finally, a wish that I could read the word veification the first or second time more frequently.
Happy New Year
ceo,
We're lesbians?! Cool.
That is a compliment that I will remember for as long as I can. Word verification makes me feel stupid sometimes.
I do my best work with women when I think I'm butch. I was taught how to please a woman by two lesbians when i was younger. Great training, and the spankings weren't all that bad either! Gay probe!er pride! (I adore lesbians in real life, I have a gay god daughter I wouldn't trade for anyone)
Ha, Everyone comes here, and gives up early on a post. On my blog, they never show up. Go figure.
o,
Spankings: They're not just for birthdays anymore.
I am thinking of selling that catchy phrase to the US Dept. of Spanking and Paddling (USDSP).
Did you post today? Maybe my feeds are broken.
I am posting a little as the day goes by. I am making fun of all the people sitting holding their breath for the DOW to break it's old high. And the craziness that I get in e mail during the day, or the phone.
you can ditch this, it's a comment between you and me, and not a post. Should I ask for your e mail? That may be a tad forward, and I don't want to seem pushy, not when I am going for the record, whatever that is
1
Have you considered a poster boy yet?
Did you know that today is actually my birthday?
pant pant
I'm 347
0,
I may have to call in the recruits for support. I can't risk carpal tunel syndrome. I need to be able to blog for crying out loud.
1
I am so proud of you. You didn't automatically think that a machine could take the place of a human in this critical application! Well done. Well played.
0,
Mechanical spanking?
I'm low tech. I have a laptop, cell phone, and digital camera. That's it. I don't even have cable.
1
Puhlease, you are ultra high tech, you haven't bothered with the mundane, like cable (sneer). And, as an ex-gymnast, and obsessive compulsive, you would always prefer to administer a spanking yourself to assure that over-all evenly applied red glow assuring perfect motivation for the after event genital worship training.
Spankings, they're not just for birthdays anymore!
Now, you have an image to maintain here. Are you ready to go to the next level?
0,
Confession:
I once got a cramp in my shoulder from spanking myself.
1
Silly Mist-ress, you should have shrieked for me right away. I could have massaged the shoulder for you, let you switch, given you the perfect spanking, just the way you like them, then let you take a nap.
Afterwards, you could awaken refreshed, reassume your natural, superior role. You could have commanded me to worship your ass until it was pink again, then given me the beating I so richly deserved, and I could continue to worship your femininity.
But, no, you didn't use the SPANK-phone, and I didn't come running in the SPANK-mobile or the SPANK-plane and do you see how you suffered? Please don't EVER do that again. Pinky promise!
0,
I have Sprint. Apparently Sprint doesn't offer unlimited spanking and I would have to pay by the paddle. Damn. I knew I shouldn't have signed a two year contract.
1
I offer a much better deal
free spanking at discount prices
how can you go wrong?
aren't you glad i am sooooooooo patient? When you're ugly as sin, you need some edge! it might as well be patience.
0,
Patients? You're a doctor? This could be a lot of fun.
1
I can't believe I never told you. Ever seen a spleen?
0,
I think I threw mine up once, but with the help of the L*rd and a long-handled spoon, I got it back down again.
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