To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, September 15, 2006

My Brother Vinnie


I'm a little uncomfortable that Mom refers to her cats, Vinnie and Sadie as her children. That makes them my siblings. They have unfair advantages. I'm not saying that I want to live with Mom, but I wouldn't mind if she bought my food or paid for my haircuts or gave me drugs.

Mom sends me updates about my furry sibling's lives. Here is an excerpt:

"E brought over some catnip the other night which led to Vin becoming a complete crackhead. I gave him a little taste of it and put the rest away in a bag which I placed in the bowl on the entryway table. In the middle of the night Sadie woke me up to let me know something wasn't quite right downstairs. I listened and heard a bunch of paper rustling, snuffling, groaning and flopping about. I went down and found Vin totally messed up, drooling--catnip spread all over, bits of paper bag caught in his hair--disgusting. This tells me Vinnie is not capable of social using--has to be cut off."

I remember when Mom found me like that once. I was grounded and had to promise to never hang out with certain friends ever again. Their parents were called. I had to attend a weekly meeting for the duration of my punishment. I couldn't drive my car. I couldn't go to the mall. No phone calls that weren't related to school. Vinnie is getting off easy.

The real reason for her email was that she was shamed by the vet. Vinnie is too fat for his carrier. I imagine that Mom puts Vinnie's tail and hind legs in first and then must use her foot to stuff the rest of the 30 pound cat into the Kitty Kaddy. The vet made Mom feel like a bad mother for making her feline child obese.

I told Mom to march right back into the vet's office and tell her daughter is well below her BMI so it balances it out. Mom said she wasn't sure that was helpful, and also the vet was kind of mean. "Mom," I said, "she's a VET. She doesn't know anything about people!"

Mist 1




34 Comments:

At 10:35 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

Mom is pretty amusing!

Next time she goes to the vet, vaseline up the cat so it goes in the carrier easier...plus its a mess for the rude vet to deal with!

 
At 10:40 PM, Blogger mAn[S]o0r said...

tsk tsk!

all my sympathies to your mother! doting moms should not be blamed for obese children, its their basic right after all :)

howcome ur under ur BMI is still another question......

 
At 11:48 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Sounds like sibling rivalry?
The youngest always get off easier because the parents feel guilty for not having taken enough pictures of them.

I suspect that is not the case with Vinnie. Plus he's fat and she loves him more. You should be really freakin' mad right now.

I suspect more therapy is now required.

 
At 4:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nihilistic,

Mom cracks me up. I cannot give Mom advice about Vaseline. She will wonder how I know.

man,

Shame on the vet for making Mom upset.

icl,

Goodbye cruel world...

 
At 4:34 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Hey I like the vaseline idea.....

But I bet now the vet is really going to be upset - not only is Vinnie fat - he's a crack addict now.....she might want to be careful the vet may call child protective services....

 
At 5:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cheeky,

I can see Vinnie now, growing up in the system.

Maybe I can have my old bedroom back then.

 
At 6:20 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

Poor crackhead kitty. And to totally get away with it? So unfair. :) Your writing never fails to make me laugh my ass off.

 
At 6:36 AM, Blogger saurabh said...

This one time I commented to my roommate on how catnip was the feline equivalent of marijuana while standing in line at a PetCo. I think I horrified the ten-year-old blonde and her mother who were standing in front of me, because shocked silence replaced their previously robust conversation. I've always wondered if there was a follow-up conversation where Mum explained the double standard: it's okay for Lord Mousebatten to get stoned all the time because he doesn't need to maintain a steady job and eats out of a plastic dish on the kitchen floor.

 
At 6:49 AM, Anonymous KristynMarie said...

Furbabies get special attention around my house. I like them better than most of my human relatives. :P

Kristyn

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

Can that stuff in the photo be smoked? :P

 
At 7:43 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I bet if she gets a bigger cat carrier, the vet will back off.

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger Miss Britt said...

Your mom leaves stuff like "cat nip" just laying around the house?

What time is thanksgiving dinner there?

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

karma,

The first step is for
Vinnie to admit that he is powerless over catniip.

saurabh,

So if I started eating out a plastic dish on the floor, this kind of behavior would be okay for me too?

Sweet.

kristyn,

Do you give them drugs? Are you an enabler?

nerd,

I hope so. I traded my TV for that sh*t.

nwjr,

A bigger carrier...like a Volkswagen?

britt,

Welcome to the fam. You're gonna love us.

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger Mr. G said...

Look at it this way - yes, Vinnie has a problem...but it could be worse...he could be forcing Sadie to do unspeakable things for the money to feed his habit....

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mr. g,

Vinnie doesn't have the balls to try anything like that. Seriously.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Mr. G said...

No wonder Vinnie is an overweight Catnip Freak....

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger Dallas DYSfunction said...

I give Crack to my cat daily. Keeps that little SOB calm and quiet.

 
At 2:58 PM, Blogger Matt said...

Holy shit, that bag makes me want to call up my old boy for an "O." I must stay strong. God, what I wouldn't do for a couple of goofy friends and about eight deep, deep bong hits.

Excuse me, I've got a phone call to make....

 
At 3:04 PM, Blogger Matt said...

Can you smoke cat nip? I'm sure there are thousands of humans who have tried this over the years....

 
At 3:21 PM, Blogger Thumper da Champ said...

holy shit i made da list! peace

 
At 5:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mr. g,

Poor Vinnie, that is the core of all his issues.

dallas,

Ah, I can feel the love.

matt,

It sounds like you might have called the wrong connection.

thump,

You are microfamous now. You've been made.

 
At 9:23 PM, Blogger PhoenixHearse said...

"...Vinnie is not capable of social using..." Your mom is a riot! I bet she's fun when she drunk :)

 
At 5:09 AM, Blogger Nubian Nerd said...

One gander at your blog and I was instantly in love! Here’s to having me at hello.

 
At 6:30 AM, Anonymous the Laughorist said...

You told us very little about Sadie. Whatthefuck, is she in the Feline Witness Protection Program? What was her terrible crime, hairball grand theft? Or not letting the dog eat her shit?

NEKFOE = Native Ethnic Kenyans for Oxymoronic Entertainment

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger C said...

Good point - she knows how to relate to animals. I wonder what her sex life is like.

 
At 1:02 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

phoenix,

Mom is a riot. When she visits, I like to pour margaritas down her throat until we get kicked out of the fine establishment in which we have been drinking.

Thanks for coming by.

nubian,

I have never fallen in love with a gander before. I am afraid of the bird flu.

Thanks for coming by.

laughorist,

Very little is known about Sadie. She never gets in the Kitty Kaddy and refuses to see the vet. She lives mostly under the bed and plots Vinnie's demise.

c,

I assume you mean the vet and not Mom. I prefer not to think about Mom's sex life...even though she prefers to tell me.

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger anastasia said...

I'm jealous of that cat....if I come back in the after life....I want to come back as one of your moms pets...that cat has the life!!

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anastasia,

I would love to have you as my furry sister.

 
At 8:23 AM, Anonymous Dawn (webmiztris) said...

lmao! my cat found a bag of catnip on top of the washer once and went freakin NUTS too. now we know to keep it in a drawer. thank god he doesn't have opposable thumbs.

 
At 9:27 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

dawn,

If Vinnie had opposable thumbs he could hitchhike to the local catnip house. Sad place with all those catnip whores.

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Many of my best friends have been four-leggeds, but I don't understand people who are parents referring to their pets as their children. I think our language is just failing them for a more appropriate word. "Pet" really doesn't get it, at least in our house where humans are the humble servants of The Cat.

This is a great post! I'll be back soon.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

Best friends and companions, yes. Children--that's just creepy.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 7:06 PM, Blogger Matt said...

I still think that "shit" looks good. I swear to Christ I'd smoke it w/ the cat!

 
At 7:09 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Call Mom. She'll hook you up.

 

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