I Prefer to Live Alone
I had a roommate in college. We got along smashingly. The rules were simple. We got to school a week early and partied together. Then, for the rest of the semester, we completely ignored each other. It seemed like a good plan.Still, it didn't quite work out. I'm sure that I was fabulous to live with. I have some obsessive compulsive behaviors, but nothing that disturbing. Just the usual food hoarding and hair plucking. Here's what didn't work for me:
- Her boyfriend, who never stopped talking (and who also never saw a problem with discarding used condoms under my bed).
- Seeing her across the quad in my clothes from head to toe.
Being the more mature of the two, I decided that I should move out to be with my Delinquent Boyfriend (DB). It was a perfect plan. "But Mom, I Love Him! He repaid his debt to society." Thus, my parents disowned me and I moved in with DB. I was ready to begin living in the Real World.
I need to explain that I never had to share a room with my sister. Just as I discovered that I didn't enjoy sharing a room with my college roommate, it soon became clear that I didn't enjoy sharing a room with DB either. It started with socks, crumpled up and stiff on the couch. Then it was boxers on the floor of the bathroom. I was not prepared for what I found one morning.
Mom was visiting. Naturally, she couldn't be under the same roof as DB and was staying in the Wyndham Garden Hotel. I spent the night with her. I woke up early and had a brilliant idea. I would stop home and cuddle DB before I went to class.
I opened the door. DB was sprawled out on the couch, completely nude (next to a pair of crumpled, stiff socks). That was okay. A box of VHS tapes with titles like "Rimmerama" and "Stir Fry Snatch" was next to the TV. That was less okay. A bottle of my expensive, imported body hydrating cream with real silk protein was lying on its side next to his foot. That was it.
And just like that, I was back in the dorms.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:04 PM
43 Comments:
I haven't seen those movies, are they any good?
Later Yall.....
Good call.
When they start screwing with your body hydrating cream with real silk protein, it's time to see the um, writing, on the wall.
melon,
Super. Take my word for it. Also, Chicken Chow Mine is excellent. Good story line.
hearts,
But it was imported!
It must've been the stir fry that finally took it out of him!! he he! Thanks for the great visuals - I should have nightmares tonight!
... well what's a bloke supposed to do when his woman's away??
nerd,
Did I live with you?
spoon,
Read at your own risk. Author not responsible for nightmares.
gambo,
He's NOT supposed to use my expensive lotion.
But did your roomate bring home strange men and trade sex for pills? Or did your other roomate (the pregnant one) try to run over her bf? Oh, the stories I have about roomates....
karma,
Damn. I wish I had known that I could trade sex for pills. Think of all the $$ I've wasted.
Stir Fry Snatch?!?!?!?
You.Will.Inevitably.Get.Me.Fired.
Kisses.
I prefer classier pornography based on Academy Award winning movies. Some examples are "Good Will Humping", "Shaving Ryan's Privates", "Full Frontal Jacket", and "Apocatits Now". (On a funny aside, my word verification is kvfux)
hmmm...the lesser of the two evils...did you move back with the trampy, clothes-stealing roommate with the boyfriend who didn't know where the garbage can was, or did you get a room of your own?
Poor guy...walking around today with chapped hands no less!
Stiff socks beside him? Yeah you made a good call woman.....goooood call.
Did ya take the movies when you left?
I lived with a guy in undergrad. We had 2 rules, no peeing or masturbating in the shower.
Did you take pictures?
A woman has to have priorities...that would have been the last straw for me too...if you had said he was wearing one of your thongs then I would have said you had justification for murder...
And DB should have been DEported.
av,
kvfux? What a slut.
darlene,
Back with the roommate for a few weeks, then Mom coughed up the $$ for a single dorm. She was afraid I'd give living with DB another try.
odat,
That's not all that's chapped, I'm sure.
cheeky,
I left the movies and my damn towels. I'm still pissed about the towels.
phoenix,
Wow. That would shorten my shower time considerably.
dallas,
I am old. This was in the days before cell phone cameras.
meg,
I have a rule. You can dress up in all the slutty lingerie you want to as long as it's not mine. Thus far, only one man has violated the rule.
hearts,
DB used to be JDB (Juvenile Delinquent Boyfriend) but then he turned 18. He was lucky not to be incarcerated.
britt,
Always be prepared. You must live with Boyscouts.
maiden,
Almost missed your comment...
You're young and you've got your health. What the f*ck do you want your job for?
Listen wench. I'm 37. That's 60 in dog years in NY. My job and salary kick ass. I'm very comfy here. You can't evah miss my comments because I will stalk you like Jennifer J Leigh in SWF.
I have to say I'm surprised you were less upset by DB's method of starching his socks than you were by his use of your lotion. The latter is just good health - it's important to moisturize all over - but the former is just unsanitary. I don't think you're OCD enough.
maiden,
I'm so scared right now.
(Snot dripping from left nostril, Blair Witch style)
saurabh,
Moisturize all over with Vaseline Intensive Care or something that costs $2.99 a bottle.
The socks were so foul that I made him throw them away.
I've been lucky with roommates - and of course, they've been lucky too.
I did have an ex that wanted to use my Victoria's Pear Glace as a lubricant for some strange reason. He's done.
jali,
Pear Glace brings me back. I used to love that stuff. I bet I've still got some in a closet somewhere.
Hmm... I've never lived alone, sometimes I feel like I'm missing something. Other times I think I'd drive myself mad being alone. I talk myself into all sorts of mischief. Better to have someone around to keep me from doing stupid things. :P
Kristyn
Wow.
...That's all I got.
Stiff socks...Hmmm...is that where it goes after a rockem "sockem" whirl in front of the TV
Ah Pear Glace. But more importantly, feel you on the HATE for roomates. I love, adore, and enraptured by, living alone. I thank the gods every. single. night. The last time I found a crunchy sock at a boyfriend's was the last time I talked to him. Incidentally, the same guy who gave me like 80 bottles of pear glace. Ew. They make kleenex for a reason moron.
Ew.
Very entertaining tale.
kristyn,
Having a roommate just means that I have a witness to all the stupid sh*t that I do.
greg,
All I got was a chance to live in the dorms again.
nihilistic,
I never had rockem sockem robots. Just another way my parents failed me.
desiree,
Not the expensive name brand Kleenex in the pretty box. Use the cheap, rough $0.99 tissue from the grocery store.
Thanks for coming by.
orhan,
I do what I can to entertain you. Just wait to see what I do next.
Thanks for coming by.
My college roommate had masturbation issues. Unfortunately he was also either really slow or wanted me to catch him. I used to make a big issue of opening the door just to give him time to compose himself. Never worked.
I'm about 85% sure he never yanked off into any of my socks.
matt,
I wanna be honest with you. I have a degree in statistics. By your figures, there is about a 15% chance that he did.
Thanks for coming by.
Can I be honest with you too. I also have a degree in statistics. It takes about 30 ,inutes to change the locks on the doors. It takes about 30 seconds to crush both testicles with a pkumber's pipe wrench. Moving back to the dorms exceeds both. Statisrics can be so empowering.
ceo,
I see that you put your degree to good use as well.
I'm so lucky to have my own pad now. I'm too old for roommates and would never go back. I had one in college who slept with my ex-girlfriend (she was gonna tell me he was just giving her a massage) and another who's smoke in his room and urinate in a Coke bottle and then steal my drugs.
matt,
You sound like an ideal roommate. You have your own pad, huh?
Maybe you'll reconsider. You'll hardly notice I'm there.
What kind of drugs did you say you had?
anastasia,
I wouldn't touch that sock, even if it was to rub his nose in it.
ok I didn't get the sock thingy until I read Nihilistic's comment. I thought he was just a pig with dirty sox. Well he was and they were....oh ya that's just nasty. It would've been better if he used it as hair gel.
icl,
He was balding prematurely. No need for gel.
icl,
He was balding prematurely. No need for gel.
He couldn't have used vasoline or spit like a normal guy would?
cheet,
I didn't love DB for his brain.
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