Spinach & My Russian Lover
The other night, amid all the E. coli spinach news, I went out for chinese food. I ordered the tofu soup. When it arrived, I noted the green leaves floating on top. I tasted it and decided to order something else than risk rectal bleeding for the second time in a week.Always polite (yes, I'm still talking about me), I took the soup to go rather than send it back to the kitchen. I didn't want the kitchen staff to know that I was on to their attempt to kill me.
Last night, after the hockey game (Ilya Kovalchuk will be my husband, mark my words), I was hungry. I uncorked last night's bottle of wine and took a sip directly from the bottle (hockey makes me feel so girly). I scratched my ass and scanned the fridge. My options were:
- Water
- Carbonated water (orange and lime)
- Ketchup
- Wasabe horseradish
- Minty Clinique lotion (feels so good when it's chilled)
- Beets
- Beer (support your local brewery)
- Leftover tofu and E. coli soup
The skin on the roof of my mouth is falling off in large pink sheets, but still no sign of abdominal cramping.
I know that I should exercise caution and avoid spinach. I could have had beets and wasabe as a midnight snack. But then, what would I have to blog about? Nothing generates comments like rectal bleeding.
I am still waiting. Expect regular updates. Or maybe irregular updates.
As for the Trashers, Ilya played fabulously for me. He makes me so proud. Everything would be perfect between us if he knew my name. And that I'm alive. And ridiculously cute. Also, it would be nice if he was attractive. I am determined to ride the Zamboni this year to catch his eye. Coach Hartley knows I'm alive. At the end of Ilya's penalty, I stood up and screamed, "Let Ilya play!" He promptly put him back in. I am so influential.
No cramping yet.
Mist 1
P.S. If I die from the E. coli soup, tell Ilya that he was The One.
Posted by Mist1 @ 7:34 AM
91 Comments:
well, he's kinda cute...I had to check out who he was, because I'd never heard of him before. Maybe if you did get the E.coli thing while watching the game, you could have sent him fan mail saying, "My butt was bleeding when I watched you." Works everytime...
darlene,
It's okay, I don't love him for his looks.
I have never used the bleeding butt pickup line before. Will remember that one for as long as I can.
I don't know. Enough beets and wasabi, and you might get the rectal bleeding again.
Also, I think bourbon would kill all the e.coli. Remember that for next time.
alison,
Bourbon sounds too classy for me. Did you miss the part where I drink from the bottle and scratch my ass?
Will try the beets and wasabi thing if I run out of blog ideas. Thanks.
No, I got that part. I still think bourbon will do the trick.
alison,
Will have to try to class myself up a bit. Also, will have to by new barware.
Not ONE thing in your fridge that I like...Remind me to bring some Cupcakes over when I stop by!
You could try a more direct approach to meeting ole Ilya. There are several in fact. Go to the locker room after a home game. Get a press pass. Walk right over and introduce yourself. I am Mist 1 and I write the Hockey Column for The Morning Meeting. Your famns want to know what you're doing after the game tonight? What you like to eat, your dating preferences, your susceptiblitiy to amazingly attractive and receptive reporters who are the true one for you. I think you can take it from there.
nihilistic,
You can bring cupcakes, but I don't like that frosting that tastes like Crisco and sugar, okay?
ceo,
You know, I never thought of the direct route. Instead, I had planned to fall off the zamboni and twist my ankle. He would rush out onto the ice, pick me up, and skate me to safety. He would look into my eyes and...
Maybe you should go in and sell something of a custom nature. If you fall off the zamboni, and three guys are closer, and you turn on the eye kleeg lights, three more guys helplessly in love with you, all armed with hockey sticks.
Now, you refine your affected target area with something like customized atletic support with insertable ceramic protection. This way, "when you got them by the balls, their hearts and minds are sure to follow." I believe that was Robert McNamara, DoD, 1968
Another proven technique, field tested! And, you don't have to forge a press pass, not that it's a big deal
I am curious, in football, they use a football. In baseball they use a baseball, Why then, isn't this game called "pucky"?
Just wondering
Later yall....
ceo,
I never thought about the prospect of like half the team gazing into my deep brown eyes. They are pools of mystery, I tell ya.
Ilya will get jealous then for sure. Then he will definately love me.
melon,
Are you making fun of the only sport on earth that I understand?
Yout got me . Your nuked soup and hockey beats my cold chicken and Dancing With the Stars everytime.
Crap, did I just admit to watching Dancing With the Stars? Crap, I just typed it again. Oh well, good luck with your pursuit.
michael,
I am very competitive, and while I did not realize that this was a competition, I am pleased to beat you nonetheless.
So, who's on DWTS?
I have a thing for accents as well, except my weakness is a scottish accent.
I swear I will someday con.. ummm... charm..... a scottish dude into marrying me just so I can live in Scotland.
OH, and P.S... Your fridge sounds like mine. Except for the wasabi, that stuff is seriously nasty.
For the love of god, don't twist your ankle. Break a leg, fracture a wrist, but trust me, don't mess with the ankle.
And if you do the direct-route thing... a)you're a better woman than me, I'd have an aneurysm if I actually had to talk and not stalk, and b)make sure he's still in his towel.
Perhaps they call the baseball the baseball b/c it's round. Doesn't work to call it puckball, 'cause there's no puck!
If you are still alive today, I heard that the majority of the E. Coli cases are amongst women - about 77%. Please don't die because then my blogging world would crumble. he he
nerd,
It looks like I'm a winner after all.
just,
Wasabi and turkey sandwiches are incredible.
Thanks for coming by.
wandering,
Ooooh, the towel. I need a moment.
c,
Still living. No cramping. No bleeding. All is well in your blogging world,
Hey Mist
Am getting the whole Russian thing - shame I didn't meet one really fit bloke the whole time I was in Russia (ok, I met one, but had drunk far too much vodka to do anything about it). The whole sportsman thing is beyond me - give me a ladies man over a man's man any day - are communal showers really necessary in this day and age?!
And Just D, it always rains in Scotland and unless you are Scottish, the majority of inhabitants are incomprehensible to non-natives. They are also famously tight with cash and deep fry everything - pizza, snickers bars, small furry animals. Unless you want a coronary and to always pick up the tab for your date, I would recommend you stick to the south of our little island.
GP
PS. Some of my best friends are Scottish... no, really.
Minty Clinque would have given DB a bit of a suprise. . .
Heh, heh. She said "rectal". Heh, heh.
"Rectum? Hell, it damn near killed him!"
puss,
Mmmmm, vodka.
lori,
Yes it would have. I wish I had thought of that.
nwjr,
Always gets a good response from the crowd.
He's cute, very cute. Too rediculously cute people might just be too much! As for the roof of your mouth, that sounds serious...maybe flesh eating bacteria. :P
Kristyn
Mist
Mmmm, vodka. Mmmmm Mmmmmm, gin.
Gin rules. And it's got fruit and herbs in so it counts towards your five a day. Lost three days on my last G'n'T diet.
When I work out how to do the little list thing down the side of my blog that says whose blogs I read, can I put yours on, please?
Ta muchly.
GP
kristyn,
That's worse than E. coli. How will I ever kiss Ilya if my mouth keeps falling apart?
puss,
Haven't explored gin. Will add to my to do list.
Of course. I'm happy to be added. I'll update my links too.
May I suggest Ex-Lax. Yup, that should clean you out. The chocolate kind works best. Party for one back there! You can blame it on "Nerves!" Mwah.
Bless you.
Mother's ruin of all gin? Bombay Sapphire
Best runner-up? Plymouth Dry
Lime not lemon.
Plenty of ice.
Tall glass.
3 fingers of gin.
Do not drive or operate machinery whilst drinking; spillage = sacrilege.
Must work.
GP
maiden,
I believe that you are working with the cook at the Chinese restaurant.
It is much harder to kill me than a box of Ex-Lax.
BTW, what other flavors does it come in besides chocolate?
puss,
I'm on it. I can't follow a recipe, so I will have to experiment a bit.
What is this strange "work" that you reference?
To do.
Find restaurants that deliver all night.
Glad you found hubby. When does he find out?
E coli spinach soup? At the restaurant here in NY that is known as a Number 2.
jali,
Hopefully he finds out before I am arrested in the lockerroom. That's not how I want him to remember our first date.
odat,
I am wayyyy above making any #2 jokes.
UPDATE: No cramping, no bleeding.
Rectal bleeding hey!!! I gotta try that - NOT!! Course the soup I've got in my fridge is Spinach and blue cheese which has been there for a while now...maybe the pencillin growing on the top will help my cold or maybe I'll be rectal bleeding right alongside you!
Good question! From what I can make out, it is this place where I have to sit and blog so that they give me shoe and rhinestone nipple tassel money. Figure the fewer questions I ask the better...
GP
I can make said EL pink or green, I'll just use food coloring. Poison you? Bah, you're a homey.
So how IS Clinique lotion on the rocks?
Does Ilya still have teeth? Most hockey players don't. You may have to chew his food for him.
Will you guys be living in Russia, then? If so, you'll need to buy a cute babushka. (Put it on your llist.)
spoon,
We will have so much fun together.
puss,
Suddenly, I am very, very jealous of you.
maiden,
Whew.
hearts,
Mmmmm, no teeth.
After the line about... rectal bleeding... the first word that popped into my head was: details!
matt,
You are a cl-assy guy.
Ex-lax is phenolthalien (sp.) the stuff you used in basic chemistry class to tell if you had an acid or not, and chocolate. You skip the chocolate and just put it in your vodka.
While you're on the john, you can be ordering equipment to make your own grain alcohol. Copper is nice. You need a condenser. Corn or potatoes. Do a good job, and you could squeeze out maybe 160 proof stuff. How could Ilya turn that down. No teeth required! And I don't think the e coli is going to survive hat kind of assault either.
I smell a deal here. I'd be glad to go meet ole Ikya and tell him about my 'sister' and offer to introduce him at dinner. I'll bring him over. You can pour the drinks, and I'll get the 'emergency phone call' and have to leave immediately. You can take it from there.
You got to remember one thing with these brown eye limpid pools of endless mystery well thought out stalking theorys. Men have lizard brains. The thought process doesn't go beyond "can I twist it off or do I need an opener?" and you are asking for a lot of brain process. Patern recognition. They call it a puck because it's a single syllable. Come on, give the species a reasonable chance at a lasting gene pool. Make it easier, damn it.
I think I'm ready for my nap now.
Your fridge sounds like mine. If it was aperson it would be malnutritioned and starving. Then Sally Struthers would show immediately.
ceo,
If you're not busy, I'm thinking maybe you could plan out the rest of my life for me. Thanks in advance.
dallas,
You just described me. If Sally Struthers rings my doorbell, I am hiding under the rug.
My friend's roommate and I were watching TV one day when a commercial came on for some prescription fat pill.
It said, "Side effects may include...gas with an oily discharge..."
We just stared at each other in shock before we busted out laughing. I think I'd rather be fat!
Sure, how much longer do you have to live, and how much insurance do you have? I feel so good when i can be helpfull. Gives meaning to an otherwise decadent life. And would you consider ghost writing a second blog, cheap?
Any rectal bleeding yet?
phoenix,
All I can think about are the stains. Thank G*d for Shout Wipes.
anastasia,
Maybe I should join forces with Jenny Craig and market my weight loss program.
ceo,
Fairly healthy. Great insurance. Would love to guest star. I am not cheap. I am affordable.
david,
Not yet. Thanks for your concern.
romerican,
How is Romanian beer? Does it make me a better dancer and more attractive, as does American beer?
Send your e mail, I'll send the contract
ceo,
Contract? This sounds serious. I had better call my lawyer. I had no idea that this was going to be so complicated. I've donated a kidney without these formalities.
Send me your goats milk stuff at claudascribe@yahoo.com
Does Ilya know about the kidney problem yet?
ceo,
Is that blackmail?
Never, I have ethics. But I am influencable!
ceo,
I am too. I also can succumb to peer pressure. Once all my friends jumped off a bridge...
I hate to admitit but Alison won't let me swill cheap white zinfandel because it's sweet. And I used to love it with a big Hershey bar with almonds. That was food. Now, I thibk I should have jumped with your friends.
Even though I'm in a shitty mood today, I prefer not to comment.
ceo,
Be sure that you leave a letter if you're going to jump. Try to start it with, "Goodbye cruel world." Then blame everyone else for your problems.
icl,
Well played.
Good advice about the note, but not my style. I like taking responsibility. I still swill the zin but I have learned to upgrade the chocolate to a Lindt bar. Gives one balance. Stand like a moutain, run like a swift river; or some shit like that.
ceo,
Suit yourself. Balance, what's that? Isn't that some kind of health bar?
There's a bar that serves that? I'd like a double, please! And give the lady one too, please.
ceo,
At a bar, I usually order what the gentleman on the floor is having.
I knew this was the right bar. Two more doubles down here, and not so much ice this time, please, it makes my bridge too cold and we can't talk.
ceo,
Talking after doubles is uneccessary not to mention nonsensical. For other people, I mean. Everything I say while consuming large quantities of alcohol is fascinating.
Bartender, just keep them coming, we're getting healtier, and I'm taking notes. We're drinking as long as she's talking. And a couple of pbj with ginger slices sandwiches on toast, please trim the crusts off. And maybe a couple of bloody marys to go along with them, and a filet mignon, with some friend potatos, and some beans. She's getting hungry.
Now, you were saying about the appropriate way to unify the people of the world....
ceo,
I'm only gonna repeat myself a few times, so pay attention.
You see over here we've got modernity and science/technology. But on the other side of the coin is tribalism. What I'm suggesting is post modern neo tribalism. Get it? It's brilliant. Dazzling even.
Also, can I have my pbj open faced (half the carbs)? Thanks.
I am bowled over. I can barely breathe. I am humbled in the face of such sweeping greatness, as it has never been seen before, and in someone so young. I am so completely dominated, NO ONE has EVER fused post modern with neo tribalism before. BRILLIANT.
You want 7 grain or whole wheat instead of white bread for your toast to cut the calories even more? Of course, you're so skinny, I wish you'd let me cook for you.
ceo,
Wait until I get all metaphysical. That's when I'm really deep. I love physics and cosmetology and stuff.
You can cook for me. I'll help. By help, I mean that I'll tend the wine while you do all the work.
I am so glad that you can give me the deep insight I have been so missing into metaphysics. I kept trying enemas to no avail. had i but known that learning to tweeze my eyebrow and lay down a sufficient base would lead to Nirvana....what can I say, I have so much to learn. Will you cover manicures, pedicures, and the Special Theory of Relativity too? I just love the part where light bends towards physical objects in space as it gets closer to them. Makes you think of the old Aristotilian days when rocks cried with joy as they got closer to home, namely Earth. Here, take this bottle for me, I could never get the corks back in these damn narrow neck bottles. I really got lucky when I met you. Please, too much dazzle and I can't see to wash the dishes. Thanks
ceo,
Why on Earth would anyone want to recork a bottle?
Please study up on string theory and highlighting.
Recorking of wine bottles is a theoretical exercise, like computing pi to 100 decimal places. Something to keep a graduate student quiet for 15 minutes.
My favorite string is hemp for it's 'properties'. I learned that one from Georgie Washington! He knew a good smoke when he burned one.
As for highlighting, I prefer the yellow for the more intense cosmotological work, particularly the pedicures. The pink works fine for cook books, and the blue is OK, for blogging.
ceo,
You are so well versed in the ways of my world. Although, I prefer G-String theory. We'll just have to agree to disagree.
I got into Hemp to study the G's, up close and personal. Screw the highlighting, let us inspect the differences varefully, closely, and revel in them before disagreeing. I mean, we are SERIOUS SCIENTISTS aren't we? Pass the bong please.
o,
"Science probes; does not prove."
Gregory Bateson
Yes, let's probe this matter.
O hands 1 the strap-on for probing.
Anthropology was not my sport, sorry. I was into a different end of science, again, you need to lead here.
o,
Did you ever notice that "strap on" is "no parts" backwards?
Social sciences are what I do best. I also do social anxiety pretty well.
I have been laughing for 15 minutes about the strap-on backwards bit.
I have social anxiety by the bucket. I generally only understand simultaneous differential equations, otherwise, I'm just a social blotto. You noticed I couldn't do a heiko to save my life. And social graces. Ummmm, er, no, see, I'm not very much of a social scientist, much more adept at social anxiety.
Where's the couch?
My mother hated me.......
o,
You are in excellent company.
Now just relax. Take two of these, you'll feel better.
Take a look at this photo. I want you to tell me how it makes you feel.
oh, such a nice picture, look, it's a whole story, there's these two girls and the boy, and the girls are teaching the boy. What's this, the one girl has take a large purple no parts; did I tell you that they are all naked?
0,
I remember the purple one fondly. The replacement red one is nice too.
1,
I just quiver with anticipation. I just love variety. But I grew anxious, I saw no paddle in the picture. I tremble at the lack of true intimacy.
note bene
not a post
why aren't we writing a romance novel and making money out of this? I am not a writer, but, I can see women in the future bidding for the trophy husband who was broken in by two lesbians as a teenager. Maybe a series. What do you think? Is it time for e mail? You are definitely the writer, and i am clearly laughing at convention. please don't post this
montyparker@gmail.com
0,
I love it when you quiver. Quaking is good too.
Little fact about paddles...the best ones are vented.
1
I think I swooned
I think this post will too when you post your next brilliant insight. Such a loss. Such is life. It has been such a pleasure being spanked by you. We must do this again, more frequently!
I so wanted to see us break the 100 mark. Sigh. It's an endurance kind of thing, you know, a matter of pride.
0,
The word pleasure reminds me of my local grocery store, where "shopping is a pleasure." I hope it has been better than that.
I have never lasted this long before. Usually, I am asleep and drooling by now. Call Ripley's.
1
This, more than anything else, has been the sanest, safest, funniest, most enjoyable thing for me to do in the middle of more, let's call it stress, than I wwant to think about. Let's not call it pleasure. Let's call it mental health.
Hell, don't post this, this is the truth. Change the names to protect the guilty, me. Then give yourself a doctorate. I write about having lunch with Siggy (Sigmund Freud) Blog yourself a degree as a psychiatrist. I faked that on one post back there.
NOT A POST
1
This is like having lunch with Siggy in a German brewery, where they don't charge you for all you can drink. Is there anything better than that?
0,
I have a Siggy action figure on my desk. Every once in awhile, we have a moment.
1
You have the ultimate!
Siggy,
I have this dream. there is running water, and i am laying on the bank, and there are these two women, and one is sitting on my face masturbating, and I hear myself screaming, come in my mouth. Siggy, I want her to come, because I want the second woman to take her place. What does this mean Sigmund. i read your book, and you don't say bupkis. They didn't have 3 way lebian slut dreams in 1870 Vienna? Penis envy, it's not just for women anymore!
0,
Siggy is a specialist and you need a referral. Insurance reasons, you understand.
However, Siggy does come with a cigar in his hand and if I adjust his arm just right, I can make it look like he's sticking it up his own a$$. Keeps me entertained for hours.
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