Meat Market
I have a lot of rules about food. Mostly, I make them up as I go along, but some have been with me for a long time.
1. I never eat anything larger than my head.
2. I only eat cute animals.
3. Anything I eat standing up doesn't count.
I used to be a vegetarian. It started with eliminating red meat. Then chicken. Then fish. Gummy worms were out due to the connective tissues required to make them gummy. Eventually eggs and dairy products had to go. I avoided honey because I didn't want to exploit the labor of bees. I was reduced to water and vitamins.
That's when I fell in love with the Butcher.
My favorite snobby gourmet grocery store was just across the street. I stopped in everyday to pick up items for dinner (ice chips, water, carbonated water, flavored carbonated water, water with added vitamins, etc.). Every evening, I passed the meats and seafood. I imagined what the ice would taste like after a day of absorbing the flavors of all those animals.
He was dressed in white. He seemed dangerous. Mostly becuase he was always splattered in blood, but also because of his gold tooth. I avoided eye contact, but I fantasized about what it would be like to meet him after work. He would bring a bag of fishy flavored ice to me and tell me not to hug him until he got out of his bloody clothes. I would peel off his hairnet and run my fingers through his locks.
One day, our eyes met over the glass meat counter. I was mesmorized. I bought lamb chops. The next day, a salmon filet. Filet mingon. Ground ostrich. Quail. Scallops. It went on for weeks. At last, when there was no more room in my freezer, I decided to talk to him.
"I just can't decide what I want for dinner tonight. What do you recommend?" I asked.
"Well, the tuna has been a big seller today. I don't really know, I'm a vegetarian."
I have been devouring animals ever since.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 5:49 AM
52 Comments:
You know, if I had to use a cleaver to butcher carcasses all day, I'd probably stick to vegetables too. I haven't eaten red meat in 13 years, but the only way I can eat chicken is to have the mentality that it was always wrapped in plastic or was created in a KFC box. If I had to think about beaks & feathers, my diet would consit of ice chips as well...However, I'm still trying to determine if Kevin Bacon falls under my 'no red meat' rule...Ask the butcher next time you see him.
Found you via Phoenix Hearse...hilarious post!!! I have now seen 2 veggie friends fall owing to the smell of roast chicken!!
darlene,
The woman who got a fried chicken head in her nuggets scarred me for life.
nerd,
Exactly. Cleavers are sexy. Except for June and Ward.
spoon,
The all-powerful and corrupting chicken.
Thanks for coming by.
The romance, the adventure! You should turn this into a Harlequin romance called RAW MEAT.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says
"Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
You have subtly managed to work in a pirate to your post during Talk Like a Pirate Day. At least, your butcher sounds like a pirate to me. Well done!
lori,
The steamy glass counter, the cleaver, the blood stains...you're right. It's sexy.
gambo,
I can't believe I actually laughed at that one. (rolling eyes)
man,
Suit yourself.
av,
Arrrrr, me hearty.
Ahoy Matey Mist! I see ye've already plundered the "Meat Market" now i suggest you gather all your cute booty and head to the Farmers market for yer next tasty meal. Ahhh the treasures you can hornswaggle into your basket of wenchly goodies will abound there.
Don't be fretting the shopkeep or i'll have you walk the plank as ye've already drawn the quarter for not speakin' like yer Piratey self today!
mayren,
Avast! Ye pirattitude is astounding.
Meat guys are sissies. Produce guys are destined to rule the world. Meat aint nuttin without the veggies to go with it. What's a roast without potatoes and carrots, Whats a pizza without sauce, what's a BBQ without beer?
Shit.....
Maybe the Liquor store folks will control the world. Dammit.
Later Yall....
so does this mean if you dated a farmer you would convert back?
k,
I look adorable in coveralls.
melon,
Package store guys get all the chicks and produce guys have E. coli.
britt,
You're scaring me. Hint: Incineration gets the stains out.
You are a pisser. I sort of operate the same way as I'm sure you've been reading. Ever in NY? Look me up -- I'm sure we will have much fun.
maiden,
You can have the butcher. I'll take your internet boyfriend. I love a man who hates.
I want a man with meat. Maybe I should start cruising my local grocery store's meat department.
dallas,
Wear heels. Works every time.
You're right, eating standing up totally means it doesn't count. I have a rule where I don't eat in front of people. Restaurants are hard.
karma,
Hmmm, that would be a problem. Clearly there is only one solution. Carry plastic bags in your purse. Create a distraction (i.e. "Look over there!") and dump your plate into the gallon sized bag. Then excuse yourself to "make a phone call." Step into the parking lot and rapidly consume your meal.
No need to thank me for my heartfelt advice.
Mist, you make me laugh - thank you.
Butchers make good lovers if you're happy having your hams hauled aloft, otherwise, I wouldn't recommend it; to a man with a cleaver, everything looks like a rack of ribs. (Apologies to the population of China for bastardisation of old Chinese proverb.)
GP
puss,
Maybe it could have worked out after all. Dad's nickname for me is "Ribs" due to my protruding ribcage. Yeah, that's hot.
Thanks for coming by.
Great post!! I'm a vegetarian with an overdeveloped olfactory sense and sometimes have to avoid passing the meat counter altogether.
Which cute animals do you eat? Lambs and piggies qualify, but I haven't had enough contact with ostriches to evaluate their cuteness factor. Cleaver-wielding butchers dressed in blood - NOT cute. Unless you have a secret fantasy for Jack the Ripper.
You have a most interesting mind and I love your blog.
Mist1 -- I may love you but back off sista. There are plenty of haters on line. Mwah.
hearts,
Lambs are cute. Chickens are not cute. Rabbits are cute. Pigs are not cute. Cows are cute. Turkey are not cute. It's easier than Atkins.
maiden,
Damn. You two are meant for each other. Hater.
Mist1: I have a crush on you now. Usually a challenge does me in. Ha ha.
maiden,
Packing bags. Moving to NY. Willing to crash on couch until our romance blossoms.
Please note: I do not cook or clean (unless you consider moving piles of crap from one place to another "cleaning").
This reminded me of the Brady Bunch and Alice the housekeeper who was in love with the butcher...what was his name again?...I think he slipped her some extra meat now and again...Mist, hang onto your butcher....
With chemical lemon no doubt.
meg,
I am dying right now. Sam. Wasn't his name Sam?
On the other hand, Alice was kinda frumpy. I don't want to be like Alice.
david,
I do enjoy the flavor of Lemon Pledge. Orange is tasty too.
Mist, don't sweat it -- I have OCD and am co-dependent. You're in luck. I think.
Lemon Pledge...LMAO
I did once have to stand in a freezing meat locker, surrounded by carcasses, videotaping a livestock judge while he pointed out things like their "marbling".
maiden,
Am falling deeply in Like.
phoenix,
There's a story there somewhere...
You...you...you...
Eater you.
Yeah - that would drive me to be a carnivore too......
jali,
I've been called worse.
cheeky,
See? I had no choice.
Aw shit, i forgot to talk like a pirate today. We used to do that all the time as college freshman. Course, the dope-smoking legitimized it. If I tried that at work today, I dunno....
matt,
Tomorrow's another day. You can talk like a pirate whenever you want. Of course it will be harder to explain when it's not Talk Like a Pirate Day...
Irony...I like that. And was was he of the light or dark meat flavor?
"I fell in love with the Butcher." C'mon, can you make him slightly more palatable by, um, dressing him up and marinating him with a splash of spicy euphemism?
c,
He was a perfect golden brown. *Sigh*
the gml,
I would have loved to marinate him.
Thanks for coming by.
Reporting for duty, ma'am. I heard that you were a meat eater, and I was looking for kin. Permission to come aboard, ma'am? It's that pirate thing, you know.
ceo,
Avast. Let me check out your blog first.
Thanks for coming by.
Mon plaisir, Mist. Thanks for checking out my pole dancing shenanigans.
Will drop by again soon... If youhaveno objections of course (that's me British politeness coming out there).
GP
puss,
I thought I detected an accent.
I didn't know that about Gummy Bears.
orhan,
I am here to inform you.
anastasia,
Yeah, a hairnet and gold tooth get me every time.
A butcher ay? That doesn't do it for me. But a baker or even a candlestick maker ... wowser ... baked goods with scented candles in bed ... I'm in heaven.
icl,
The baker and I didn't hit it off. I'm not into carbs. As for the candlestick maker, he tried to drip some scalding wax on me in bed one night. That was it. Never saw him again.
I am a vegetarian, and I work in the deli...I say that to people every day! It's almost as good as the SEVERE diabetic (we're talking severe...like, he has a little machine attached with an IV type thing on him at all times) in the bakery! Mmmm....sugar! Meat!
twila,
I can't work around food. Or heavy machinery. Or people for that matter.
Post a Comment