I have a lot of rules about food. Mostly, I make them up as I go along, but some have been with me for a long time.
1. I never eat anything larger than my head.
2. I only eat cute animals.
3. Anything I eat standing up doesn't count.
I used to be a vegetarian. It started with eliminating red meat. Then chicken. Then fish. Gummy worms were out due to the connective tissues required to make them gummy. Eventually eggs and dairy products had to go. I avoided honey because I didn't want to exploit the labor of bees. I was reduced to water and vitamins.
That's when I fell in love with the Butcher.
My favorite snobby gourmet grocery store was just across the street. I stopped in everyday to pick up items for dinner (ice chips, water, carbonated water, flavored carbonated water, water with added vitamins, etc.). Every evening, I passed the meats and seafood. I imagined what the ice would taste like after a day of absorbing the flavors of all those animals.
He was dressed in white. He seemed dangerous. Mostly becuase he was always splattered in blood, but also because of his gold tooth. I avoided eye contact, but I fantasized about what it would be like to meet him after work. He would bring a bag of fishy flavored ice to me and tell me not to hug him until he got out of his bloody clothes. I would peel off his hairnet and run my fingers through his locks.
One day, our eyes met over the glass meat counter. I was mesmorized. I bought lamb chops. The next day, a salmon filet. Filet mingon. Ground ostrich. Quail. Scallops. It went on for weeks. At last, when there was no more room in my freezer, I decided to talk to him.
"I just can't decide what I want for dinner tonight. What do you recommend?" I asked.
"Well, the tuna has been a big seller today. I don't really know, I'm a vegetarian."
I have been devouring animals ever since.