To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Paper & Cuts


I used to subscribe to more magazines than anyone I knew. All that changed a few weeks ago when I put my wine glass down on top of a stack of unread magazines creating an avalanche and spilling wine all over all of my tax documents. As I sucked the last drops of Shiraz out of my receipts, I swore that I would not be renewing all of my subscriptions. I also swore to start drinking wine from a cup with a lid.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with the gynecologist. Ordinarily, I am not impressed with the magazines at her office, but due to my recent decision to cancel my subscriptions, I was happy to sit in the waiting room and pour through magazines so old that the perfume samples had all been rubbed onto the wrists of other patients.

As other women arrived, I found myself feeling territorial over the magazines featuring what to wear last fall and how to get the best beach hair. I hoarded a pile of magazines. I ignored the nasty looks of the women in the waiting room. I gestured to the nurse behind the desk. I wanted her to keep an eye on everyone in the event that they staged an uprising. I discarded an old Newsweek onto the table to distract the masses.

Finally, the nurse called out, "Ms. Mist." I scooped up the magazines and brought them back with me. I followed her down the hallway and stepped onto the scale. "Ms. Mist, I'm going to have to ask you to put those magazines down while I weigh you." The nurses know that I don't take off my shoes to be weighed. They don't even ask anymore. I calmly told her that by my precise estimation, she should subtract six pounds to compensate for the additional paper weight.

She left me in the room to change. I kept my shirt on because it was chilly, but I stripped from the waist down and draped the paper sheet over my lap. I sat on the end of the examining table and continued to read about what drives men wild in bed.

The February 2003 issue of Elle slipped from my lap and landed on the floor. I leaned over to grab it. I slipped. I plunged face first off the table, still clutching a stack of magazines. I caught myself with my jaw on the stirrup. I dangled there, with my bare a$$ and everything else in the air for a moment trying to catch my breath. That's when the doctor walked in with a student.

My doctor helped me back onto the table while the student picked up the magazine. I didn't snap at her even though she had lost my page.

After the exam, my doctor smiled and said, "everything checked out okay, now let's take a look at your jaw."

It's not the first time I've left the doctor with a sore jaw, but usually there's anesthesia and a subsequent law suit involved.

Mist 1


93 Comments:

At 9:13 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Ouch! For some reason the doctors I usually have to see only carry the AARP Magazine and 4 year old versions of Sports Illustrated.

Did you do the informative cup and straw diagram yourself? You may have a future in drawing patents.

 
At 9:18 PM, Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

How many posts is this now describing you with your bare a$$ in the air?
That seems to be you on a normal day.

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

micheal,

You need a new doctor.

I would work on drawing patents, but I am currently starring in a medical office safety documentary.

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

p of u,

I make sure that I expose myself publicly about once a week.

 
At 9:40 PM, Blogger maximo said...

'tis a floppy butt, innit?

 
At 9:51 PM, Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

Lucky. My gynecologist only has baby magazines and pregnancy magazines and prepregnancy magazines. No magazines actually help you with the sex required to make these babies in the first place.

 
At 9:56 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

I used to work in an ob/gyn clinic and one time during a breast exam, the patient said, "This is the most foreplay I've had all year." I felt so bad for her. Maybe I should have sent her home with some of the waiting room magazines.

 
At 10:10 PM, Anonymous bice said...

Nuttin' hotter than an arse floppin' in the breeze. Nuttin' I tell ya.

 
At 11:19 PM, Blogger Claudia said...

I love how you transition from sucking wine from receipts to visiting the gynecologist...

 
At 11:55 PM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

I can't go to a male gyno. I don't want some random stranger judgine my poon tang.

I am, however, quite comfortable with some random stranger judging my oral skills. Hello, Papa Roach roadie circa summer of 1999.

 
At 12:06 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

I've left places with a sore jaw, but there were usually alcohol and hormones involved.

 
At 12:25 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Four words: Pottery Barn magazine holder-thingie. Magazines are not for stacking. They are not coasters. You are here for the shoe advice, let others guide you through the rest of life.

 
At 1:10 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

They must have thought you were a little confused, sitting there with your ass on display.

Did they check that out too?

 
At 1:52 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

Have you patented the cup?

PS I voted for you in all categories in the Blog Awards, and I tagged you for a meme - one good turn deserves another? :)

 
At 3:10 AM, Blogger CG said...

I came here because akelamalu tagged you; I just sat here CRYIng with laughter; thanks for brightening my day!!

 
At 3:22 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

I always drink from a sippy cup, it's safer. I use to hoard magazines just for the perfume ads, much cheaper then buy a new perfume each week.

 
At 3:36 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

My doctor keeps the good magazines in racks in the examination room. I always ask if room 3 is available. It has a nice view of the local landfill and a copy of DDI magazine.

 
At 3:46 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

See, I got you another reader!

 
At 4:51 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

I could (almost) feel your pain! What's worse is think of those feet that have been in those stirrups. I hope you stopped for facial wipes after.

My post today is of a gyny nature too. I'm hoping you have some suggestions.

 
At 5:11 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

On one notable visit to a consultant at University College Hospital, I was told to strip and get behind the screen. Before the examination below the waist began, the doctor told me to stand, saying 'we might as well check out everything while you're here - make sure you get your money's worth'. He then proceeded to fondle - sorry examine - my breasts in front of the nurse, who said nothing. I left feeling soiled, and wondered just who had got their money's worth out of the HNS this time.

Drop me the name of your lawyer would you?

Puss

 
At 5:30 AM, Blogger Matt-Man said...

If I were I an ob-gyn I would make certain to have the latest issue of Spelunker's Digest available..."Dr. Matt-man at your cervix."

 
At 5:48 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Usually my jaw and ass hurt, so you're one up on me.

 
At 5:49 AM, Blogger het (aka quickfit) said...

its another top post by mist....thanks for always making me smile

ciao4now x

 
At 6:01 AM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

The time comes when each of us must confront our obsessions.

 
At 6:14 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

what kind of wine was it?

smiles, bee

 
At 6:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maximo,

Clearly, you have not seen my butt.

h & b,

My gynecologist has long range plans.

churlita,

I would have demanded dinner and drinks.

bice,

They didn't mention how hot it was.

claudia,

It all revolved around magazines.

123,

I prefer a female too.

velvet,

I've been there too.

fringes,

Why didn't I think of that?

phishez,

Why, yes. Yes they did.

alelamalu,

I'm still trying to find patent leather wedges before I work on patents. Thanks for the votes.

cg,

I feel like crying too. You should see my face. I can't believe I hurt my face.

Thanks for coming by.

es,

I just like to smell them first.

blitz,

I don't even know where my local landfill is. I bet we send our trash to your landfill.

icl,

I didn't even think of the feet. Now my face burns. It broke the skin, you know.

puss,

You'd never believe her name if I told you.

matt-man,

That's excellent.

av,

I bet you're very popular.

het,

It was really more of a bottom post.

nick,

I have a doctor to help me with my obsessions. I have a lengthy list.

 
At 6:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

bee,

Shiraz. Or maybe it was isopropyl. I can never remember.

 
At 6:25 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Thank god for Brazilians or you really would have been embarrassed.

 
At 6:30 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I get invites from doctors and dentists all over.

 
At 6:33 AM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

The doctors are supposed to knock before entering a patient's room. You should have at least stolen the magazine when you left.

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cheeky,

I suppose it could have been worse.

av,

We have so much in common.

yvonne,

She knocked. It was the gratuitous knock followed by barging in.

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

You know Elle's version of the what drives men wild in bed is much better than the story Ranger Rick published.

 
At 7:33 AM, Blogger Robin said...

Hilarious! Hope your jaw is o.k.! My sister, Melanie, led me to your blog. I needed a good chuckle today. Thanks!

 
At 7:41 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

I usually take an assortment of pens and magazines home with me when I visit the doctor. It's like the soaps and televisions at a hotel, you're expected to take them.

 
At 7:53 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

furious,

I used to get Ranger Rick. The horoscope sucked.

robin,

I have a small scabby thing on my jaw. I will be wearing a veil if I have to leave the house. My snatch is fine. Thanks for asking.

Thanks for coming by.

dagromm,

I take alcohol swabs and tongue depressors.

 
At 7:55 AM, Anonymous andy said...

M,

Please tell me your stack included but was not limited to a Highlights... I love looking for those crazy hidden objects! A FISH IN A TREE! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger tallulah said...

That is exactly why I drink my Chardonnay in a large tumbler with a lid and straw.

 
At 8:00 AM, Blogger Ariel said...

We get magazines at work. I don't get them at home. They wonder why I can't focus.

At least the paper thingy covering the table didn't get stuck in any inappropriate areas.

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I have always called those stirrups "Tools of the Devil".

And I would have said something to you about "scooching down" enough already!

 
At 8:49 AM, Blogger melanie said...

i subscribe to quite a few rags myself. and when in the doctors office, i keep an eye on the other patients, so that they don't cut in front of me in line.

that pisses me off. no one wants to see my ass. not even my doctor.

;-)

 
At 8:53 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

andy,

I totally need my highlights done. I can almost tell what my real hair color is.

The fish in the tree part confuses me, but I would like to have whatever it is that you are drinking. In fact, I would like two.

tallulah,

Chardonnay doesn't stain, although I appreciate that you err on the side of caution. I cannot switch to white wine because I like it when my head isn't pounding in the morning.

ariel,

Then I would have had paper cuts to deal with.

scotts,

I hate the scooch down. You just killed me with that one. "A little more and...just a little more. Okay, now just let your legs fall open."

melanie,

I'm pretty sure the doctor didn't want to see my a$$ like that.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

My shoes weigh 40 lbs, atleast.

 
At 9:09 AM, Blogger Matt said...

I hate getting the doctor w/ the student.

It's like, "I'm going to do things to you and this one's just going to... watch."

 
At 9:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

alicia,

I'm serious that I don't take my shoes off. That way, I never think about the number. Any fluctuation, I blame on the shoes or any large accessory that I may be wearing or if I used more lip gloss than usual. All of these things add up.

 
At 9:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

I try to put on a good show for the students.

 
At 9:14 AM, Blogger Tera said...

It really annoys me to have the student present too...it has a strange, kinky, medical voyeurism tone to it???

I wonder if they were thinking, "What the hell is she doing???"

 
At 9:25 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tera,

I freaked out on the student once. They know now not to send the student in without the doctor.

 
At 9:29 AM, Blogger Mississippi Songbird said...

lol.. OMG I hope your jaw is okay. Glad everything else is too. I think I have that issue of Elle magazine....

 
At 9:34 AM, Blogger Cindy said...

I found your blog via Catch. She advised not to have a mouthful of anything before reading...I'm glad I took her advice because I surely would have sprayed said mouthful all over my computer screen- thanks for the laughs. I'll be back for more for sure...

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

miss song,

Please scan and email the horoscope page from that issue. I just want to know how accurate it was.

Thanks for coming by.

cindy,

That's a good rule here. Either it will come out your nose or you'll feel vomity, depending on my mood.

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger River Rat said...

Now I just can't seem to stop laughing from having that image in my head! Hope the jaw is better!

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

river rat,

I seem to have eaten a little bit of my cheek when I feel. I am sore, but too proud to put ice on it.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

I like Highlights For Kids.

I don't like those Bible Stories books though. Nobody reads those and some kid always draws with crayon on Jesus's face.

 
At 10:30 AM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

i totally hoard the damn magazines also. don't want to. try not to. but completely do. thankfully i am not alone!

great post as usual. thanks for the smile. when i was in atlanta over the weekend i had a big ole coke for you. with plenty of maker's mark, but still.

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger Ariel said...

When I was younger without healthcare and poor (wait, that's now), I used to go to the clinic for those exams. The doctor there only had one arm and always had an "assistant" with her. Once they brought a student in with them. It was like an odd orgy.

or a porno...I did have my black heels on so I can understand where people could get confused.

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nolff,

That makes the Baby Jesus cry.

hello,

Sometimes, I skip the Coke part.

ariel,

Please, don't tell me stuff like that. My mind will never let go of that image now. Was the assistant a midget? Because that's how it happened in my imagination.

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger mojotek said...

Its weird, I had the same experience at the doctor's office once. Although you'd have to substitute women's panties for magazine's, and the county jail for the doctor's office, and the armpit of a guy named "Feisty Frank" for the stirrup. So other than that, it's like we're living the same life.

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mojo,

Oh, that is so weird. My psychic/herbalist totally told me that I had a twin in a parallel universe. I can't believe blogging brought us together.

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger Ariel said...

The assistant was actually a giant. The student was a midget. We had a regular three ring circus going on.

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

ariel,

Now I feel like my insurance is cheating me out of experiences that will last a lifetime.

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger Thy Goddess said...

Image. Burned. In brain. Aack.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

thy g,

Sorry about the burn. But what about the bruise on my face?

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

If you've left the docor's office with a sore jaw before, it leaves me wondering why you are not a dr's mrs yet.
YOu will have to let us all know what high qualifications you have for the future Mr. in your life.
With your wit, moxie, and siren like sexiness, you are a catch.

 
At 11:41 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Mist - Oh my...You don't play will with others do you? You left all those women with a Newsweek. How sweet of you.

I had a visual of your spill from the exam table. I just bet you are entertainment for just about everywhere you go.

Let me go dry my eyes now and I'll see you tomorrow.

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

wreck,

That whole fear of commitment thing really gets in the way of taking vows.

comedy,

Not only do I not play well with others, but I am not a team player either.

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Every 5 years or so, I subscribe to those magazines so I can see what women are up to. This is that year, and I have several issues of Vogue, Bazaar and Lucky piled up. still in their plastic wrappers, until I can donate them to the launderette.

But anyone walking in here would be impressed with how girly I am, until they noticed that I haven't read any of them.

Good intentions can only go so far.

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger Dallas DYSfunction said...

I love magazines. I have lots of issues. Thats why I am sleeping with my therapist.

 
At 1:20 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

I would wager that the med student now has a clearer understanding of the perks of being a doctor.

Views of your a$$?

Naw.

Free magazines, provided he/she can out wrangle you for 'em.

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger maximo said...

no. i haven't seen your butt.

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger Em said...

This might be the most entertaining account of a dr visit I've ever read. And I'm sure they enjoyed the vision of your ass as you clutched the magazines, leaving your dignity to fend for itself. LOL

 
At 2:20 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Yes! GAH! I had one doctor put his hand where he wanted my ASS TO STOP. I about shot outta that contraption when my bare ass hit his cold hand. Asshole.

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I didn't snap at her even though she had lost my page.

How kind of you :)

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Ah, it's always convenient to have a stirrup chin-strap to catch you. That's why I attached stirrups to my bed-- um, you know, so I don't drunkenly roll out in the middle of the night.

Please pass along the "beach hair" info... bikini season approaches...

 
At 3:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

I cleverly disguise my magazines between issues of political magazines.

dallas,

I need you to do a cost analysis. Which costs more, your copay or the subscriptions?

jocelyn,

I bet the students skim off all the good magazines.

maximo,

Stay tuned. I'm sure I'll expose myself publicly.

em,

What's dignity?

scotts,

Ew. You're kidding right?

orhan,

I am known for my manners.

mystery,

One word: scrunch.

 
At 4:32 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

Sometimes,I like to play Dr. GYNO and nurse with my boyfriend.

I usually leave his house with a sore jaw, and usually have difficulty walking after a marathon sexual chocolate session if he has been out of town for a week or so...
I suggest drinking 2 bottles of wine tonight...It has great anagistical effects and if it doesn't take the pain away?? at least you won't remember most of your jaw pain...

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger Todd said...

It's not the first time I've left the doctor with a sore jaw, but usually there's anesthesia and a subsequent law suit involved.

The trick is not to use anesthesia. No lawsuits from the willing. But that's totally hypothetical. I would never* have sex with a patient.

(* - unless they are really hot)

 
At 5:04 PM, Blogger Todd said...

You left this comment somewhere else: I'm calling my doctor to get immunized against Celibacy.

Honestly laughed out loud with that one.

My response: I can give you an injection for that. I'll even do a house-call.

 
At 5:08 PM, Blogger Nance said...

You're so brave. In my fat days long ago, I used to remind the nurse who weighed me that I wore contacts.

 
At 5:11 PM, Blogger Fiona said...

A friend of mine, a natural blonde, went to a local family planning clinic for the pill. The nurse got her 'in situ' and told her the doctor would be right along.

Well, he did appear a few minutes later, along with the entire nursing staff and, she reckoned, more than a few of the people in the waiting room. Being anything but jet black in that region, in these parts so to speak, garners more than a little attention.

Strangely enough, I don't believe she ever went back.

 
At 5:19 PM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

No lawsuit is good, right?

I got in trouble yesterday for ripping recipes out of a copy of Food & Wine in the lobby of my daughter's endodontist. Unfortunately, it was my kid who left with a sore jaw, but that's another story.

 
At 5:36 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tellin',

So, I should cut down my wine consumption to just two bottles? Hmmm. That's going to be hard. I'll have to supplement with vodka.

todd,

Everyone is willing to initiate a lawsuit.

nance,

I heard that contacts add at least 10 pounds apiece.

fiona,

I seriously wished that I had a bit more hair for a moment while she was down there.

edgy,

How did you get caught? You need to learn the art of creating a distraction.

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger Tug said...

FUNNIEST.POST.EVER.

Sippy cups - I hear they're all the rage!

 
At 6:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

I want a sippy cup that doesn't have Winnie the Pooh or some other crap on it.

 
At 6:10 PM, Blogger heather said...

obviously my mother hasn't been anywhere near your doctors office. she ~looks~ like a sweet little oldish lady who speaks with a midwestern accent (we live in upstate ny), but in reality she's a damn thief! she carries this ~huge~ purse and even steals the magazines from my house! i always yell at her about that cause once i'm done with them i give them to her anyway.

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

I send my tax documents to my accountant in a liquor store bag...wine for me documents for him...see...

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

heather,

I steal them too. My therapist has let me know that if I just asked, she would give them to me. Where's the thrill in that?

nofear,

That's a great plan. I will have to remember not to drink with the bottle in the bag while my tax stuff is in there.

 
At 7:02 PM, Blogger Library Mama said...

I once dislocated my kneecap doing the can-can while cheering at a football game. When I described how the injury happened to the doctor, he had no idea what the can-can was, so he had the two observing students demonstrate. It was the most surreal doctor's visit I have ever made in my life.

 
At 7:33 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

He he! You ended up ass up at the gynecologist's office. Isn't that a position for the proctologist's office? Kidding. I hope your jaw is OK.

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

library,

Where was your camera?

james,

It is but a mere flesh wound. Nothing that an ice pack, Neosporin, and time can't heal. My pride will probably take more time.

 
At 7:12 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

I'm slightly disappointed....you describe a visit to the gynocologist and not one person makes a crack about VD.

I don't take my shoes off either for two reasons:

1. The extra heights allows for some of the extra weight; and

2. I figure my shoes weigh at least fifteen pounds....each.

 
At 8:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

legal,

According to my shoes, I am emaciated.

 
At 6:03 PM, Blogger kat said...

HAHAHAHA. That is so funny! Thankfully you didnt really hurt yourself.

 
At 7:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kat,

I almost wish that I had a more serious injury. I can't deal with the humiliation.

 

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Name: Mist1
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