I am not allergic to nuts. I've had a lot of nuts over the years, but so far, I have not had any adverse reactions. At least, not anything severe. I have been irritated by the man attached to the nuts, but it was a mild reaction; nothing that a little "space" couldn't cure.
A few years ago, I developed an allergy to bananas. I have never liked bananas. When I was a kid, my dad believed that bananas were the cure for cuts and scrapes. If I asked for a Band-Aid after skinning my knee, he would give me a banana instead. I am beginning to think that either we didn't have health insurance or that he was just too cheap to buy Band-Aids.
My banana allergy was a bit of a shock. I had a friend staying with me for a few days who decided to stock my home with food. Food goes bad in my home, so I rarely buy it. On the day that she left, I stared at all the food in my house and decided that I had better eat it all so that my kitchen didn't turn into a large, indoor compost heap. My intent was to start with the produce and then to continue my way through the fridge eating cartons of stuff in order of the expiration date.
I ate the bananas after eating everything in the crisper drawer and consuming the half ripened avocados in a brown paper bag with an orange on the kitchen counter. The reaction was instant. I wheezed and itched and continued to eat the bananas. By the time I got to the emergency room, I had hives from head to mid-thigh and my tongue was the size of a small Volkswagen. The attending physician declared that I had a food allergy and shot me full of something which made me shake worse than the time I ran out of wine on Sunday. I was asked to list all of the foods that I had consumed that morning. The list resembled the menu for a hippopotamus at the zoo. The doctor made a note in my chart and referred me to a dietitian and a therapist to deal with my abnormal eating patterns. I learned a lot from that experience. I can still hear my therapist saying, "fat is not a feeling."
A few months later, I had a cranberry smoothie when I was shopping. Cranberry smoothies used to be my favorite kind of smoothie, although the peanut butter and jelly smoothie ran a close second. I wheezed and gasped for air in the shoe store, but refused to seek medical attention until I had purchased the shoes (pink snakeskin, open toe, silver buckle, 25% off). The lovely woman in line ahead of me let me go first. My eyes were swollen shut and snot ran freely down my chin. I still wear those shoes.
That's how I discovered that bananas were the offending food. I have avoided bananas ever since. People discover allergies in all sorts of ways. You just never know when you might have a reaction to something.
Last night, I discovered that I am allergic to coyotes. Maybe I have always been allergic to coyotes. As I haven't had many opportunities to be face to face with a coyote before now, so I have no way of knowing. I may also be allergic to grizzly bears and peacocks and sloths. I fear these animals now, because I don't know if I am allergic to them or not.
My friend's dad fancies himself to be a hunter. He is always dropping off carcasses of various animals that I wouldn't ordinarily eat. Sometimes, he brings me gifts of snake rattles because once I admired his rattlesnake boots. This time, he dropped off a hat made from coyote. The entire coyote. The head of the coyote sits directly on top of the hat. The front legs drape down near my shoulders. The hind legs hang close to my neck. The tail nearly reaches my butt.
It is stunning. I wore it for quite some time last night. I had Jamie come over and take pictures of me wearing the coyote on my head. I posed proudly with a glass of wine in front of the fireplace. I felt dignified in that outdoorsy way that one can only experience with an entire dead animal on one's head.
Suddenly, I wanted to get naked. Apparently, nothing makes me feel like getting naked like a dead coyote. I asked Jamie to take nude photos of me in the coyote hat. I could see the scene perfectly. I would sit demurely on my knees with the paws of the coyote covering my nipples. These were to be tasteful photos. I imagined the look on His face as He opened the attachments and saw me looking coyly full of wanton lust at the camera with roadkill on my head. Surely, He would be aroused. Men like naked chicks and dead animals.
I slipped into my robe and repositioned the coyote on my head. I looked into the mirror and touched up my lip gloss. I pouted. "You sexy b*tch," I said to my reflection. And then I saw my red, puffy eyes.
Tonight, I will take a Benadryl before I get all sexied up in my dead coyote hat.
P.S. I would post a photo of the hat, but I seem to have hidden the My Pictures file from myself. Anyone who can help me find it will receive a photo of the hat via email. I may or may not be wearing it, depending the level of customer service provided. Thanks in advance.