Wiley Coyote
I am not allergic to nuts. I've had a lot of nuts over the years, but so far, I have not had any adverse reactions. At least, not anything severe. I have been irritated by the man attached to the nuts, but it was a mild reaction; nothing that a little "space" couldn't cure. A few years ago, I developed an allergy to bananas. I have never liked bananas. When I was a kid, my dad believed that bananas were the cure for cuts and scrapes. If I asked for a Band-Aid after skinning my knee, he would give me a banana instead. I am beginning to think that either we didn't have health insurance or that he was just too cheap to buy Band-Aids.
My banana allergy was a bit of a shock. I had a friend staying with me for a few days who decided to stock my home with food. Food goes bad in my home, so I rarely buy it. On the day that she left, I stared at all the food in my house and decided that I had better eat it all so that my kitchen didn't turn into a large, indoor compost heap. My intent was to start with the produce and then to continue my way through the fridge eating cartons of stuff in order of the expiration date.
I ate the bananas after eating everything in the crisper drawer and consuming the half ripened avocados in a brown paper bag with an orange on the kitchen counter. The reaction was instant. I wheezed and itched and continued to eat the bananas. By the time I got to the emergency room, I had hives from head to mid-thigh and my tongue was the size of a small Volkswagen. The attending physician declared that I had a food allergy and shot me full of something which made me shake worse than the time I ran out of wine on Sunday. I was asked to list all of the foods that I had consumed that morning. The list resembled the menu for a hippopotamus at the zoo. The doctor made a note in my chart and referred me to a dietitian and a therapist to deal with my abnormal eating patterns. I learned a lot from that experience. I can still hear my therapist saying, "fat is not a feeling."
A few months later, I had a cranberry smoothie when I was shopping. Cranberry smoothies used to be my favorite kind of smoothie, although the peanut butter and jelly smoothie ran a close second. I wheezed and gasped for air in the shoe store, but refused to seek medical attention until I had purchased the shoes (pink snakeskin, open toe, silver buckle, 25% off). The lovely woman in line ahead of me let me go first. My eyes were swollen shut and snot ran freely down my chin. I still wear those shoes.
That's how I discovered that bananas were the offending food. I have avoided bananas ever since. People discover allergies in all sorts of ways. You just never know when you might have a reaction to something.
Last night, I discovered that I am allergic to coyotes. Maybe I have always been allergic to coyotes. As I haven't had many opportunities to be face to face with a coyote before now, so I have no way of knowing. I may also be allergic to grizzly bears and peacocks and sloths. I fear these animals now, because I don't know if I am allergic to them or not.
My friend's dad fancies himself to be a hunter. He is always dropping off carcasses of various animals that I wouldn't ordinarily eat. Sometimes, he brings me gifts of snake rattles because once I admired his rattlesnake boots. This time, he dropped off a hat made from coyote. The entire coyote. The head of the coyote sits directly on top of the hat. The front legs drape down near my shoulders. The hind legs hang close to my neck. The tail nearly reaches my butt.
It is stunning. I wore it for quite some time last night. I had Jamie come over and take pictures of me wearing the coyote on my head. I posed proudly with a glass of wine in front of the fireplace. I felt dignified in that outdoorsy way that one can only experience with an entire dead animal on one's head.
Suddenly, I wanted to get naked. Apparently, nothing makes me feel like getting naked like a dead coyote. I asked Jamie to take nude photos of me in the coyote hat. I could see the scene perfectly. I would sit demurely on my knees with the paws of the coyote covering my nipples. These were to be tasteful photos. I imagined the look on His face as He opened the attachments and saw me looking coyly full of wanton lust at the camera with roadkill on my head. Surely, He would be aroused. Men like naked chicks and dead animals.
I slipped into my robe and repositioned the coyote on my head. I looked into the mirror and touched up my lip gloss. I pouted. "You sexy b*tch," I said to my reflection. And then I saw my red, puffy eyes.
Tonight, I will take a Benadryl before I get all sexied up in my dead coyote hat.
Mist 1
P.S. I would post a photo of the hat, but I seem to have hidden the My Pictures file from myself. Anyone who can help me find it will receive a photo of the hat via email. I may or may not be wearing it, depending the level of customer service provided. Thanks in advance.
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:27 AM
101 Comments:
"My eyes were swollen shut and snot ran freely down my chin. I still wear those shoes." We women have to have priorities.
Ok now I can't get that image out of my head. Dear god woman you can rock blogland with a dead coyote. I think you have severely missed your calling in life.
Propmistress!!!
You are definitely going to get a lot of help with this request. I feel pretty sure in saying that ;-)
I used to have a cat that would bring me dead things too. That's how cats and men show affection. I gave my wife a squirrel that I found by the road for our anniversary. I think she found it pretty hot.
I'll check the sofa cushions for your My Pictures file.
Vaya Con Dios,
Dagromm
cruiser,
Well, it's not like I'm allergic to shoes. I would kill myself.
fiona,
It's pretty hot, in an outdoorsy sort of way. I have never said that sentence before. It will probably never happen again.
michael,
Really, where is the damn file?
dagromm,
My dad made a mobile from shellacked squirrels once. I think I've mentioned that my parents are divorced.
Well, you can start with the Start Menu or My Computer icon and search for, wait a minute, I don't want to ruin this for anyone else.
your friend's dad will love that pic.
michael,
The My Pictures icon no longer exists.
maximo,
He will not be receiving a photo. Please. Not even if he brings over anymore venison tacos.
Seriously, if you have Windows XP, you could try and change the computer back to an older recovery date and that might bring it back. I have to use that sometimes when I think something has gotten screwed up. Hope that helps.
i'm officially confused.
At least your nipples didn't get all swollen. Does Benadryl help with that?
michael,
That scares me. Can't I just reboot first?
maximo,
Me too.
churlita,
I am trying to find a product that will make my nipples swell. Are you kidding me?
Yeah, you know, I generally think it's a good idea to take Benedryl before wearing a canine hat.
Maybe it wasn't the coyote after all. Maybe bananas are on the list of ingredients for your lip gloss.
I abhor bananas....and that damn song about them....but at least we all know she can spell the word...
You may not be able to eat bananas, but you stil have appeal.
Do puns work as text?
Wow. That's some adventure. Nasty and funny and not to mention snakeskin shoes.
Does your photo have a file name? You can search for it via file name or date.
Pink snakeskin, open toe, silver buckle, size 6.5, right?
You really know how to hurt a guy.
I personally love the peanut butter jars which state that the product contains peanuts.
I have no idea where you come up with this stuff. I DO know I am always in awe of where you go with it.
BD
I was deathly afraid of bees until I finally got stung and found out I wasn't allergic.
Now I fear spiders.
Okay people, Mist is too modest (go figure) to mention this so I will do it for her.
This blog is nominated at the bloggerschoiceawards.com
-Best blog about stuff.
-Best humor Blog.
-Blogitzer.
-Best blog of all time.
(use the search box and enter "hobby")
Go vote! NOW! (please?)
My worst fear would be becoming allergic to seafood, now THAT would suck big time!!
I work in the emergency department, I see people come in with all sorts of allergic reactions. Some to Suchi, some to egs and the weirdest was to red capsicums. I guess it is not that weird, not in the World we live in currently.
I was off bananas for years. Probably because my mum made a curry with lamb and bananas in it. Not a good combination...
I find that wearing a dead carcass of any animal is always a turn on, and a little swelling in all the right places just adds a certain extra excitment. as for the picture, try looking under some of the swollen parts.
oh darling THANK YOU! my next painting has just lept from my brain in full birthed glory (or is that gory?) "Mist1 with Coyote" - it's a vibrant colorful piece done in cubist style; Mist with a banana bright smile and coyote with his teeth latched to her head. It's gonna be a masterpiece.
That would suck to be allergic to bananas. I love them. Banana samich! Yum!
Dead coyotes on my head or neck I could give up for Lent.
Please my I have the picture? How's that for customer service? Oh you expected me to help you with your computer woes? I'm a hands on person. I'll be over to see the hat in person.
Oh and I'm going to vote you shy- shy-coyote-hat-wearing-allergic-to-and-also-bananas-gf
I'm allergic to guinea pigs. Just thought I'd share.
I'm allergic to oranges. But bananas are pretty horrible, too. In fact, let's just forget the fruit and give me a Bloody Mary.
Puss
I'm allergic to 6 different kinds of antibiotics and soy.
I've never even seen a coyote.
Those shoes sound divine, can post a picture of them instead of the coyote hat please?
dorky,
I didn't think it through.
library,
I'm going to check the label in a moment.
kris,
I love songs which involve spelling. They make me feel S-M-A-R-T.
condo,
Well played.
curiosity,
The My Pictures file is back. The coyote photos have vanished.
hearts,
You really should see them. They are delicious.
claudia,
That cracks me up too.
brilliant,
This one is all true. Especially the part about nuts.
sqt,
I fear spiders too. I am trying to conquer this fear.
mxi,
Thanks. I'm honored to be nominated. I voted for myself in every category because I'm not that modest.
cazzie,
Are you the one that gave me that shot of crack in the ER?
*,
What a perfectly good waste of lamb.
es,
Maybe my eyes are so swollen that I can't find the file.
rhian,
I'd like to hang that over the fireplace.
icl,
Lent is over, that's why I wore the hat.
choo,
So, do you want Wiggy or not?
puss,
I like my Bloody Marys with V8.
debbie,
I had never seen one either. There is one less coyote to see in the world.
akelamalu,
I will need a new pedi before I take pictures of the shoes.
okay i am going to vote for you, but then you have to vote for me, we then cancel out each others votes, but we get a warm fuzzy feeling in the meantime, right?
smiles, bee
I admire your tenacity in the face of adversity. Getting those shoes despite a huge allergic reaction. You have your priorities straight!
I believe you have my email
other animals skins that would also look good:
Lions
Pumas
Zebras
Polar Bears
Tigers
That's all I can think of right now
Would you take naked photos with a gorilla on your back and paws covering your breasts?
You've been nominated for a (few) RFS Blog Award(s)
Heathen. I like mine with port. And blood ice cubes.
Puss
Just think - with all that swelling you will never need collagen injections......now that can save you $$ for extra shoes and wine....
I'm allergic to bananas too. They make my lips swell like bad collegen injections. and once they turned my tounge grape laffy taffy purple. I think they are evil fruits. It's a good thing I never liked them all that much.
According to my wife, you are supposed to rub the banana on your body, not eat it Mist.
So the coyote ice cream with banana sundae won't be a good dessert to bring to the fictitious dinner part I'm having with you?
Somehow allergy makes it sound like a bad thing when I'm thinking it's a nice and pretty cheap alarm system. But I can say that because I, myself, am not a banana fan. The taste, yeah, but not the texture and anything else about it.
Thank you for calling the Mist-One Hotline.... for disturbing stories press 1... for funny yet relevant posts press 2....If you are Mist1 calling to get customer service press 3, then 2, then hop on one foot without the new silver shoes, then check to make sure you are wearing the correct day-of-the-week panties, press all the buttons at once, then email your picture to Mayren Abashed....
It would be even sexier if you asked others "Would you like to pet my Canis Latrans?" Cheers...
I take nude photos all the time but never have I done it in a dead coyote hat. I should try that....
MMMMMM Mist 1 coyote pictures.
I am hoping you have Windows XP.
Go to your start button, then to your my computer icon and click it. In the new Window that opens hit Tools and then Folder options. On the view tab there is a little box. Second folder down there is an option to show hidden files and folders. Once you choose this, you should be able to see your hidden stuff.
I think we were also on that health plan. My dad made me these cement shoes once when I broke my foot. Those Crazy Italians!!
bee,
I love that warm fuzzy feeling.
jazz,
I couldn't have left them for someone else. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.
nolff,
But where am I going to get a polar bear hat in the South?
av,
As long as the gorilla hasn't been eating bananas.
christie,
I will need a date to the ceremony. Thank you.
puss,
Mmmm. Port. You are so classy.
cheeky,
I wish my boobs would swell from the reaction.
gina,
You are the only other person who's ever admitted to having a banana allergy.
blitz,
No bananas.
furious,
Wine is a good thing to bring to the fictitious dinner party. OMG! I have nothing to wear!
tug,
I know men.
booda,
The texture is bad. Surely, they can modify it to be crunchy or something.
mayren,
Do that in your best phone sex voice.
matt-man,
I think I went to school with a kid named Canis Latrans.
karma,
Seriously. You will feel sexy all over. Then, you might itch all over.
wave,
Printing out instructions. If this works, where can I email you the photos? Also, I will need you to sign a confidentiality agreement.
andy,
Clearly, you are a good swimmer.
FIND THAT PICTURE, GIRL!!
Now you can say that you are unequivocally, categorically, "dead sexy." I'd argue that no one makes anaphylactic shock look as hot as you do...Congrats!
miztris,
You know how retarded I am with technology. I can hardly flush a toilet.
lcg,
The word anaphylactic seems funny to me right now. It didn't have the same ring to it last night.
There are so many things that just crack me up in your post. Every other line seems to have something sarcastic or cleverly written. I kept wondering how Wile coyote was going to fit into the story. What a story. I am thinking of what a hell would be to you. A dry (nonalcoholic) place where shoes are not allowed. Coyotees and banana trees everywhere. Celibate or frigid people to cohabitate with. Not trying to scare you or anything, just a wierd thought that crossed my mind.
On Macs there's a handy "find" feature under the file menu when you click on the desktop (when you have no other programs open). I use it to find things I've 'ahem' hidden from myself. Maybe Windows has it too? Then you could just search for "My pictures".
Oh yeah-
"Men like naked chicks and dead animals."
Hmmm...I may have to test this theory myself.
You need to know that you have a good friend. Anyone that would come over and drink enough with you to take naked pictures of her friend and a dead animal...good stuff!
wreck,
Please, don't worry about my Hell. I have seen it. I'm in therapy now. Thanks for your concern.
yvonne,
I found the folder. Still, no photos. Naturally, I deleted them from the camera.
leese,
My friends know that if they are to love me, they are going to have to drink with me, which means that eventually, they will see my a$$.
"I have been irritated by the man attached to the nuts, but it was a mild reaction; nothing that a little "space" couldn't cure." CLASSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it! LMAO!
tera,
"Space" cures all.
so what kind of shoes do you wear with coyote hat? snakeskin?
i loathe bananas. just so you know. ;-)
That's way hotter than my turtle-shell bra.
It reminds of when I was little, I would put my Mom's pink fur coat over my head and pretend I was Rapunzel.
It didn't give me hives or anything, but I got some welts when my Mom caught my sister climbing up my pink "hair." The poor coat has bald spots.
melanie,
I'm thinking something metallic that ties up the ankle.
123,
I had a pink nightie that I used to pretend was my hair.
The thought of eating coyote meat makes me want to vomit....so, yes, I guess I'm "allergic" too.
I think I developed an allergy to nuts later in life ... when more and more of them seemed to enter it.
(How are you able to post every single day like you do? You are amazing!)
karmyn,
I should have asked him what he did with the meat.
dan,
The secret to posting 5 days a week is:
1. Wine.
2. Be willing to drop your pants in public.
3. Wine.
4. Know some really interesting (maybe not in a good way) people.
5. Wine.
I'm allergic to administrative work and Bill O'Reilly. I did not develop these allergies until later in life, when I realized people that like to do administrative work also liek to watch the O'Reilly Factor.
I have a cousin who's "allergic" to anything she doesn't like. For example, she is allergic to all vegetables except potatoes and corn. She has never actually had a reaction that anyone can see to vegetables, but she maintains it's true.
I'm allergic to George Bush.
So I was reading your old blogs yesterday and was very excited by the one about vibrating panties. I dreamt about having a pair last night. As soon as the kid goes to sleep tonight I'm searching the adult stores online for some.
I had to give one of those shots to my son when he was three. He didn't complain about the shakes, though. Maybe I'm not giving him enough wine.
mojo,
Do you have to carry an Epi-pen?
jocelyn,
I am allergic to sensible shoes.
yvonne,
I just bought some candy panties. I'm very excited. I will probably watch a movie tonight and make popcorn and eat my new panties.
velvet,
The wine is probably a crucial factor in that equation.
Nekkid chicks and roadkill.... Hmm....
Never thought of combining the two before, but I'm willing to try anything.
(At least ONCE).
;-)
OH! And I'm glad I didn't read this post at work, but instead waited until I got home... I was laughing so hard I snorted Pepsi through my nose.
Yeah, I'm a classy guy.
where are the buckles?
andy,
I blog from the home of Coca-Cola. Please snort Coke products while reading my blog. That is not a drug reference. I swear.
nance,
Across the toes. Tiny and totally without function.
So diggin' the pic!
So get this. I thought I was "lactose" intollerent..Turns out that I am only intollerent to the hormones in milk. I switched to the "organic" mil and I am fine. Not one IBS flare up...
HMMMMMM ~puts finger to nose~ Makes me wonder what ELSE I should be buying "Organic"...LOL ;o)
Oh those candy panties aren't very good. I've tried them and was disappointed. Better to take a fruit roll up and make it into panties.
Why can't you just post a photo of the hat when you find it? If you don't, I think I won't believe you ...
I think I'm allergic to spiders. I know this by the completely irrational depths that I go to to remove them from my presence. Normally I'm a semi-rational person - I think it's all those legs waving around- creates a reaction kind of like flashing lights to an epileptic.
(See my blog from last night...)
Im allergic to avocados - i eat them throw up get dizzy and pass out for 6 hours...
Bananas are not that bad but are pretty bad as are raw raspberries...
Supposedly these types of allergies also may cause a person to have an allergic reaction to latex. huh...
Start Menu. Search. Files and Folders. My Pictures. Best of luck.
Okay I think that I have thoughs same shoes..why wouldn't I?..
Last week my father made racoon chilli and tried to talk me into eating it..."no, ITS NOT RAcoon chill...it's deer meat"...Oh yeah like that is any better...I'm on to you brother...No he is not my brother too...
Your not on Ace inhibitors are you?...cause today this guy came into the ER with his lips swollen, shortness of breath, and pink snake shoes at the bedside...
Who knew he was allergic to Ace inhibitors...
I'm allergic to Demoral !!!
Just rub vaseline all over yourself to provide a barrier between you and the hat..then reshoot the pictures and post..WA LA
I had an allergic reaction to sushi today, then I come home and read this.
Mist, I'm only going to say this once: Keep stalking me. It's a huge turn on.
How about just posting a picture of the pink shoes?
thank you.
I was really, REALLY worried that your allergic reaction was going to involve your nipples. Allergic reactions + nipples = no fun for anyone.
PS - this blog made me giggle out loud. I love your blog. I officially have a girl crush. You may have even taken the place of missdoxie.com ;)
I recently became allergic to crab (specifically crab legs) and I cannot express the pain and anguish this has caused me enough. It does not keep the Prince from wanting to go to Red Lobster and ordering 3 lbs of snow crab legs RIGHT. IN. FRONT. OF. ME.
Dickhead.
Yeah My Pictures file? no clue. solly chahlie.
Killer will be sad to hear that you are considering developing a nut allergy.
I think I'm allergic to one of my coworkers. When he's around me, my skin crawls and I'm itching to get the hell out of his proximity. I'm self-medicating, but it's still not working.
CLick Start and Search and search for .jpg .gif when it finds them, it'll tell you what folder their in. You can probably right click on one and open the folder.
The picture would be nice, but maybe without the dead animal. (Guys gotta have his standards.) Hey, maybe with Margaret Mitchell??
Pink snakeskin? That must be from snakes in the village part of the desert...
When I had a cut my dad would always give me raw hamburger...
I want to see this picture! What a hat, I'd love to wear that. I'm sure it'd help me befriend all my coyote neighbors. They always seem a bit frightened of me, but with me wearing this hat, friendship would surely ensue!
Damn! I was going to make you a special banana-and-coyote smoothie as a symbol of friendship, but I guess there goes that plan. :(
super,
Where can you buy organic coyote?
yvonne,
Tell me more about tasting your panties.
mal,
How am I ever going to write another post to go along with a photo of a coyote hat?
p of u,
I used to own two tarantulas. It only reinforced my fear of spiders.
nofear,
I was just going to lecture you about the latex-fruit allergy, but you are already in the know.
dave,
Already found the photos in the My Videos file. Thank you.
tellin',
I am rarely inhibited.
tom,
I like Demoral.
todd,
Sure, it's cute at first. Just wait, it wears off.
pissy,
They'll be back in rotation again soon. But, I just switched to my red purse.
me,
Is a girl crush better than Orange Crush? I don't really like Orange Crush.
av,
Then, gorillas are out.
scotts,
How can you be allergic only to the legs?
liz,
You may need to increase your self medication dosage.
willie,
You are too late. You are much smarter than I am.
jessica,
My dad was into ground turkey. I'm sure that would have killed me.
seb,
They would rip you to shreds.
mystery,
I'm so glad I posted this. Can I come over for cocktails instead?
Your friend's dad sounds like Mit Romney. He hunts varmints, if you will.
matt,
I think he hunts critters.
After reading this post, nothing I could comment, would seem even close to clever. You are too damned funny!
stacy,
Hives make me laugh too.
I love banannas. I became allergic to them seven years go and have not touched one since. I miss them...
let's,
I only miss banana bread.
It is impossible to be allergic to coyotes because they are shy and therefore inoffensive. I know what happened: the coyote had eaten a toddler that was eating a banana just before your friend's dad shot it. When you placed the coyote's abdominal cavity on your head, the microscopic banana bits got in your eyes, causing an allergic reaction. Hose the coyote down, and wear it with impunity. And don't eat toddlers.
dawn,
That totally could have happened.
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