To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, April 16, 2007

Nomenclature


I love my parents. They are funny and quirky and very clever folks. They also live very far away from me.

I talk to them all the time. Sometimes, I call Dad more than once a day. I call him in the middle of the night. He almost always answers. So, when I couldn't get in touch with them all week, I got worried. I called Mom's attorney and made sure that I was still her primary beneficiary. He assured me that I still stood to inherit an assortment of dead houseplants, two cats, and her collection of refrigerator magnets. My sister gets the ottoman although, I am pretty sure that I can swindle her out of it. I have always been good at taking her stuff. I thanked him and got a good night's sleep for the first time all week.

Last weekend, Dad finally returned my calls. It seems that they went to Vegas. Apparently, cell phones don't work in Vegas and hence the saying that whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. I think it's awfully clever of the Vegas Bureau of Tourism and Convention Sciences to use the dismal telecommunications system as a brilliant marketing tool.

I think I should mention that my parents are divorced. I don't remember them vacationing together when they were still married. Even when they got arrested at a hippie boycott, they didn't share a cell. When they visit me, they stay in an adorable B & B together. They have dinner together several nights out of the week. I am starting to think that they lied to me about the whole divorce thing. I am having flashbacks of when I was 12 and Dad was taking Sociology and Psychology classes. He probably based his thesis on the effects of divorce on adult children. I hope he gets his PhD soon, because I am starting to feel confused by this all.

After I talked to Dad, I called Mom to get her side of the story. She didn't mention the trip at all. I happen to know that she came home with considerably more money than she started with. I'm not dumb. Someone is lying to me.

She didn't talk about the trip to Vegas, but she did mention that they had gone to an auto show together. They came up with several clever names for new automobiles. I wish that my parents were in charge of naming cars. They weren't so good at naming kids (I have a hippie name, my sister has a hillbilly name), but seriously, the automotive industry has no idea what kind of a creative force my parents are. I would probably drive the Suburu Slut, but the Jeep Libido is good too. I wouldn't even test drive the Dodge Gigolo. Please, I am way classier than that.

"Mom," I said, "what kind of auto show was this? It sounds like an auto-erotica show."

"What's that?" Mom asked.

I couldn't tell her. It was worse than the time she asked me what 40s and blunts were.

Mist 1


97 Comments:

At 8:51 PM, Blogger maximo said...

hmmm. a hippie name?

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger Echomouse said...

LOL My parents were informally separated for the last 17 years. But they still talked everyday, sometimes several times; went for coffee together, out for lunch, shopping. It worked for them. Nice to see I'm not the only one with weird parents like that. :)

 
At 9:10 PM, Blogger Leese said...

I wish my parents would have divorced. I think my dad would be a lot more human at this stage in the game. He might have even been able to do something and not get yelled at. Wow...at 70, he could have actually been an adult. Mindblowing!

 
At 10:10 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

I can't imagine going anywhere with my ex-husband - especially not to an auto-erotica show.

Is your real name Sunshine?

 
At 10:10 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I'll have to catch that auto show next time it's up in Vegas. I've been looking for the Chevy Courage or GMC Get A Life.

Now I am really curious about what your parents named you and your sister.

 
At 10:36 PM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

I have a friend who lives in Darwin, who's parents are doing the same thing. Its confusing for everybody.

 
At 10:56 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1,
You are my Sunshine,
My only Sunshine,
You make me happy,
When skies are grey,
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you,
Please don't take my sunshine away.

 
At 11:17 PM, Blogger briliantdonkey said...

Hmmm hate to scare you but what WERE they doing to come up with names like celebrity slut and the Jeep Libido?

BD

 
At 12:34 AM, Blogger Bice Sagan said...

If your mom has a tattoo that says "Thug Life" across her stomach she is lying to you about the 40s and blunts.

 
At 2:45 AM, Blogger abhnv said...

What are 40's?

I don't think they make guns of that caliber. Is it something drugs related?

*scratches head

 
At 3:29 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

I love vegas, there is an erotica show for just about everything. Odd things happen in vegas, it's not called sin city for nothing.

 
At 3:44 AM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

Jeep libido sounds like a winner.

My parents didn't tell me they were divorced until dad died. Now that's confusing.

 
At 3:55 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Yeah, my parents have a similar thing going on but I have given up any hope of understanding that particular dysfunctional dynamic. I'm test driving the Ford Ignorance next week. Bliss.

Puss

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Agnes Dumbletruck is not a hippie name.

 
At 5:18 AM, Blogger C said...

Parents are odd creatures but I am one now so I am growing more odd by the day.

I would drive an Audi Clit. haha

 
At 5:23 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

I've never had that much fun in Vegas. It's probably because I kept my cell phone on.

 
At 5:33 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Henceforth you shall be known as Goldenrod Hairyarmpits.

 
At 5:48 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

the myserious ways of parents!

 
At 5:57 AM, Blogger Tera said...

Hmmmm...very intriguing! Why is mom keeping it a secret???

 
At 5:57 AM, Anonymous Miss Brit said...

It is killing me trying to figure out which part of this post is true!!!

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Reminds me of the time my fad, a stroke survivor, advised me to take caution when re-starting my exercise program at the gym.

"You don't want to over-do it," he says, noting that he could still bench more than me AFTER his stroke.

I'm 31.

 
At 6:07 AM, Blogger Matt said...

That's DAD, not fad.

 
At 6:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maximo,

They liked that whole nature thing. Mist is very natural, don't you think?

mouse,

I just need to know if I'm going to be a flower girl in their second wedding.

leese,

I hope I am an adult before 70. It doesn't look good.

churlita,

No. It's not Sunshine. Although with my sunny disposition, people totally feel like calling me Sunshine all the time.

michael,

Those are both gas guzzlers.

phishez,

We need a support group.

0,

What is it with you people and Sunshine today?

bd,

I will not accept comments like that here. Now, I feel sick.

bice,

Are you sleeping with my mom? How did you see her tattoos? My dad is going to be pissed.

abhnv,

Please send me you PO Box so that I can send you my entire collection of early 90s rap music on cassette.

es,

Stoppit. They were there for work, I'm sure.

curiosity,

Good Lord.

puss,

The convertible?

av,

How did you guess?

c,

I love the Audi Clit, but I have to warn you, some people have a very hard time finding one.

debbie,

You mean your cell phone worked in Vegas?

fab,

I am waxed.

wreck,

Very Misterious.

tera,

It can't be to protect my emotions. I'm in therapy. I can work through it.

britt,

The Suburu Slut part I might have made up.

matt,

I am a fad survivor as well.

 
At 6:21 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Aw, your mother and father sound like pure gems :)

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

orhan,

They are the best parents that I have ever had.

 
At 6:51 AM, Blogger La Cubana Gringa said...

Come ON! Even I would drive a Dodge Gigolo.

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger Tug said...

Yep, I'd do a gigilo too. But I never claimed to be classy.

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

mist what is a 40 and blunt? or am i too old to know?

smiles, bee

 
At 7:10 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Hey your Mom and Dad sound like my kinda peeps!

 
At 7:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lcg,

Okay, maybe I would drive it if it had really nice rims.

tug,

Now, all of a sudden everyone wants their own Gigolo.

bee,

Please call my mother for an explanation.

cheeky,

If you all start hanging out, I will never forgive you.

 
At 7:49 AM, Anonymous themuttprincess said...

Your parents are hilarious. Some things they are better to find out themselves.....

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mutt,

My parents are hilarious. I adore them. I also like living so far away from them.

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger fringes said...

How long have your parents been dating?

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

fringes,

I'm not sure. I asked my dad if Mom has a drawer at his house yet. Apparently, she never completely moved out of the bureau.

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Because you call out your own name during sex. I just paid attention this time.

 
At 8:16 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

let me guess.....is your name Moon Unit???

 
At 8:30 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Wow. I like that your folks refuse to follow societal constraints in their relationship.

I dig it. I hope that when I get married, I will have an amicable divorce followed by friendship and occassional sex.

 
At 8:34 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

The fundamental insight being correct that biology as a wave must embed. Sadly it is based on a less than rigorous approximation of what might be a sacred scaling factor in biology. The sentences before this one makes me sound like I know what I’m talking about, but in actuality I don’t. I am the president of Jibba Jabba. My parents are hippies too and I am a scientistist.

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

I see you have been listening at my bedroom window.

miztris,

Is it so hard to believe that Mist 1 is my real name? I said my parents were quirky.

123,

My parents don't have sex. They have never had sex. Not even with other people.

nolff,

I don't believe in science. I live in the South. We banned science a few years ago. Please, take that kind of talk to science-friendly blog.

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

Congrats on being the primary beneficiary!! Hopefully your mom will keep winning and build you up a sizable winnings when she goes.

Happy Monday,
Dagromm

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger stephanie said...

If your parents never had sex, than are you an immaculate conception?

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger Nina said...

maybe they got re-married by Elvis and are trying to figure out a way to break the news?

I've wanted a Jeep for years but the husband doesn't like them. Maybe if I call it the Jeep Libido with LL Cool J's Back Seat of My Jeep blasting in the background I'll be more successful!

 
At 8:52 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

At least Mom is wanting to be educated anyway.

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

dagromm,

I can't handle her cats. I hope my sister doesn't mind when I drop them off in a cardboard box on her doorstep. I will have to find out where she lives.

stephanie,

Isn't that pretty obvious?

nina,

My family has some strange connections with Elvis. You are probably right.

slick,

Every one is my family is real smart. We don't need no more education.

 
At 8:58 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I have always believed that if Ford had named its Mustang the Gelding, no one would buy it.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

I would buy a VW Gelfling convertible. It would be the cutest thing ever.

But a Ford Gelding, no. Probably not.

 
At 9:05 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

I'm not going to ask what 40s and blunts are, I don't think I'd like them!

What's auto-erotica, I might like that?

 
At 9:05 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I would totally drive a Dodge Dildo or a Honda Dirty Sanchez (off road SUV)

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

akelamalu,

I would show you, but I really think you should learn it on your own.

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

furious,

I'm not sure about the Dodge Dildo. I think it was recalled, but they are coming out with the Dodge Dong, it's a slightly larger model. It only comes in white or black.

 
At 9:09 AM, Blogger maximo said...

you know... if mist really is your first name, and if you and i got married, and if you took my last name, then there would be a very good chance that you would leave a trail of confusion and broken hearts in your wake... also, many laughs.

but that ain't nothin' new.

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger Lyrically speaking said...

This post about your parents is too cute, your mom not knowing about 40's is just like when my mom had no idea what 69 was, lol, thanks for sharing...you're so right, what happens in Vegas does remain there :)

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger jali said...

I soooooooooo want to tell folks the hippy name!!!!!

(Both hand covering my mouth to stop an outburst)

I'm skurred to get on you bad side.

 
At 10:04 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Listen hun,
All I was trying to was this: cos(2x) = cos^2(x) - sin^2(x) = 2 cos^2(x) - 1 = 1 - 2 sin^2(x)

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maximo,

I wish I could accept this offer. However, I love my last name. I can't change it now, I'm not sure I'd ever learn how to spell another last name. By the way, what is your last name? If it is Onassis, I will probably think about marrying you.

lyric,

Tell me that you didn't explain to your mom what 69 is.

jali,

Wise, wise choice. You wouldn't like my bad side.

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger melanie said...

in the perfect world, parents wouldn't get divorced, they would just split the house in two, and live separately.

that is the only way to co-exist after a certain amount of time. although I have heard a lot of contrary evidence recently.

I have a decidedly "gone with the wind" inspired name. weird since I tend to be more of a nomad.

 
At 10:33 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

Despite the fact that I live a stone's throw from Margaret Mitchell's house and gravesite, I have not seen the book or read the movie.

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

Wow, your parents are awesome. Sounds like a good time was had. :)

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Oh Mist, I almost peed my pants. You are the funniest person. Do your parents read your blog? See you tomorrow :)

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

So you are Starshine and your sister is Ruby.

My mom asked me to explain to her what 69 is. I asked her if I could just draw a picture. I'm good at stick people. And sticking it to people.

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

karma,

They are awesome. Confusing, but awesome.

comedy,

Sometimes, my sister reads a post to them. I used to blog with them, but sometimes they slip up and tell the world personal details about my life and my braces and how I wet myself at the school for retards (true story).

jocelyn,

Please, please, please G*d, don't let Mom ever ask me that. Amen.

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger Matt-Man said...

I test drove the Acura Orgasm. It felt as though the cylinders kept firing pre-maturely. Cheers!!

 
At 11:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt-man,

That sounds a lot like the Infinity Ejaculator.

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger maximo said...

that wasn't an offer. it was a hypothetical. what were you thinking?

(um, i'm sorry. i cannot divulge my last name here.)

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maximo,

Clearly, it's Onassis. Or Rushdie. I'll have to think it over.

 
At 12:29 PM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

My grandmother once asked my aunt what oral sex was and was totally grossed out by the answer. I just felt bad that her and grandpa missed out on so much fun.

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

yvonne,

Oh, that's so sad.

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger Kirsten said...

I live in Vegas. There is exactly one spot in town where cell phones work. It's only known to locals, and there is a line to use it. Regardless, I still wonder why my cell phone bill is so high.

I hate not being able to explain something to someone. Reminds me of the time my 10-yr old nephew deep throated his ice cream. My sister and I were on the floor laughing our asses off, but we couldn't tell the poor kid why, because he wasn't legally old enough to know. Someday we'll tell him, probably at his wedding during a toast.

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger Brookelina said...

Your last line was going to be my comment. Damn you Mist. Damn you to hell!

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kirsten,

I knew that I was onto something with the whole cell phone coverage thing in your fine city.

And, as for your nephew, don't let him near the ice cream in public.

brooke,

Many, many people have damned me. You are going to have to take a number.

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

I still maintain my original stance- Maximo is stalking you. He's even upped the ante to marriage proposals now...

 
At 2:48 PM, Blogger mysterygirl! said...

This reminds me of a funny conversation that my mom and I had about an episode of House, where one of the patients got bacterial vaginosis in his mouth. My mom couldn't figure out how a man could get a lady's infection... we had a good laugh at my fumbled explanation. Ahh, good times.

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger Pookie Sixx said...

I live in Vegas too. The spot Kirsten is talking about is no where near the strip and you have to have a secret code to work the phone in that area. You know, the whole Area 51 thing.

At any rate...It's a good thing they didn't visit in November during the porn convention. Then you REALLY wouldn't want to know what they were doing.

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger maximo said...

1. before you think to ask, i should inform you that i cannot disclose my first name either.

2. do not listen to potu. she sounds a bit batty.

3. assuming your real name is something other than mist, i can only conclude that it is, in fact, arwen. so whaddaya think? arwen mccracken... sounds caliente to me.

 
At 3:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

p of u,

I am hoping that he will boil my guinea pig in a fit of rage.

mystery,

Striking House of my list of TV programs to watch with my parents.

pookie,

You and Kirsten are in this together.

maximo,

1. You're name isn't Maximo?
2. We are all a bit batty here. It's a prerequisite.
3. I'm so happy my parents didn't have the internet to assist them in naming me. It's pretty bad, but it could have been worse.

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger Williebee said...

Mist -- Ask your parents if their responsible for naming the Hummer.

You live a stones throw from Miss Margaret? I love that cemetery! Especially the old guy in the chair.

 
At 4:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

willie,

It a great place to take pictures and practice being Goth.

 
At 5:02 PM, Blogger Jessica said...

You talking to your dad almost every day is adorable. My dad was an unreliable player. Such a charming man though...

 
At 5:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jessica,

If you want to call my dad, he's pretty cool.

 
At 5:38 PM, Blogger Nance said...

I would work a deal for that ottoman.

 
At 5:43 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

Wow. Everyday?!?! you speak with them everyday....huh...if you would like I'll time share my mum with you - that way you give your's a bit of a break! ;-)

 
At 5:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nance,

It opens up for extra storage.

nofear,

I've got lots of stuff to say and very few people who will listen.

 
At 6:04 PM, Anonymous Dawn said...

I think it's awesome that they're close...but Vegas. Something leads me to believe there was some lovin' goin' on.

 
At 6:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dawn,

If you mean that my parents sat around the hotel bar and exchanged fond memories of my childhood before retiring to their separate rooms, then yes, I'm sure that lovin' was exchanged.

 
At 7:52 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

The Auto Show? If that is all your mother will admit, then rest assured what happened at the auto show, will stay there................

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

Batty?! I prefer eccentric...

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger Todd said...

Jeep Libido huh? I bet it'd talk. Every morning it'd bitch that I expect it to start right up and go just like that. It'd nag about how I never pay attention to it except when I want to drive and how I never just take it slow and press the gas gently. And of course it'd complain about how often I go look at the Suburu...

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger maximo said...

i'm thinking about how to make un-lame a lame comment about rumpelstiltskin or mxlplx. i don't think i can do it. even so, i am quite confident that you would never guess my real first name.

i was actually trying to flirt with potu. it doesn't seem to be working. i shall try telling her that i suspect she has a floppy butt.

 
At 8:19 PM, Anonymous tom said...

I'd like to get a Volkswagon Vulva and take it for a test drive...lol Now you have me thinking of all sorts of erotic names for automobiles like the new mini van the Ford Pornstar...

 
At 8:23 PM, Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

I think that's really cute. My ex boyfriend's mom and her ex husband (who is also one of my favorite professors of all time) have a similar arrangement. They are divorced but are still best friends and got houses on the same street so they could always hang out. Oh my gosh. What if they're the SAME PEOPLE.

Are you my ex boyfriend?

 
At 8:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

gucci,

Well, I'm sure they went to dinner too.

p of u,

Me too. Good choice of word.

todd,

You can look at the Suburu, but no test drives.

maximo,

The floppy butt thing generally doesn't work. I suggest trying something about birthing hips. Chicks dig that. For the record, I have never seen her hips.

tom,

My friend leased a Ford Pornstar for a year. It wore out really quickly.

h & b,

I'm not sure if I'm your ex. I do have a miscellaneous key on my key fob. Is it to your house? Can I come over one night when I'm really drunk and tell you that I was wrong and you were right?

 
At 8:36 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I'd let your parents name cars.

They did a great job with your name.

....as for the "hillbilly" name they gave your sister....she should change it.

 
At 8:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

pissy,

But what else goes well with 1?

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger spoon said...

I drive a beetle strapon...im scared to ask but i have to...cause i'm lost like your mom was, what's 40's and blunts?

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

spoon,

40: 40oz. of malt liquor, favorited by rap stars.

blunts: marijuana (medicinal or otherwise) rolled up neatly into a cigar-like casing (also favorited by rap stars).

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger velvet girl said...

So, was the Mercury Cougar a car before its time? I don't remember them marketing it to middle aged women.

 
At 2:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

Everyone knows that the Mercury is way ahead of it's time.

 

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