Jacob's Dentist
I can do lots of things with dental floss.I can make a tripwire just outside my front door. This provides endless amusement for me. I set the trap and then I go inside and call people and invite them over for a glass of wine and a Tarot reading. Then, I stand with my eye pressed to the peephole and wait. The other night, Jamie walked unsuspectingly up to my door. I threw open the door to welcome her. When the cat ran out, I expected him to trip and fall on his little whiskered face. Of course, he is much too graceful for my clever prank. I darted out after him and naturally, fell flat on my face. Jamie laughed at first, so I made her go to the drugstore to buy Neosporin for my scrapes.
If Jamie had fallen, I would not have laughed. Or at least I wouldn't have laughed for as long as she did. Rather, I would have offered to suture her wounds with floss (unflavored, unwaxed). I am pretty sure that it wouldn't leave a scar.
I am so good with floss that I can reach my teeth way in the back of my mouth without gagging myself even once. I leave nests of used floss on the table next to the couch. This practice repulses many of my guests, but when I show them how all my cat's little craps lift neatly out of his litter box like pearls on a string, they see the genius behind my slovenly habits.
I love floss so much that I have stopped getting my eyebrows waxed in favor of having them threaded. Every few weeks, I stop by my local Pakistani beauty salon and Abida shapes my brows to perfection. She always asks if she can do my upper lip. I decline, but it is starting to give me a complex. Other than that, I love having my brows threaded. It reminds me of going to the dentist only I can talk while I recline in the chair. Abida holds a length of floss in her teeth and weaves the other end into an intricate Jacob's Ladder. She moves her fingers like a puppet master and plucks my stray brow hairs. We talk about my pores and the best place to get Pakistani food and and the many, many uses of dental floss.
Abida is different than my dental hygienist in so many ways. She has perfect brows and also she is never pregnant. My dental hygienist is always pregnant. I call her Pregasaurus behind her back because she likes to wear scrubs covered in tiny dinosaurs. She's never slightly pregnant. She is always very pregnant. She can't get close enough to me to reach my molars due to her round (and remarkably adorable) belly and the last time I saw her she burst into tears because I told her that I am never going to part with my wisdom teeth. She thought that was beautiful and told me that she feels the same way about three of her seven kids. My dental hygienist never mentions any trace of my alleged upper lip hair.
The last time I saw Abida, I asked her if she only threaded facial hair. She informed me that she is available to thread all sorts of body hair by appointment only. I promised to make a bikini appointment soon.
Yesterday, I had a dental appointment. Apparently, after a little nitrous oxide, I dropped my pants and asked Pregasaurus to clean up my bikini line.
I have been asked to find a new dentist.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:13 AM
110 Comments:
You are absolutely killing me. I laughed out loud. I guffawed, even. Chortled well beyond accepted social standards.
My ribs hurt.
(Note to self: spark up the spliff AFTER you visit Mist1)
Since there is apparently something in the water in that office which Pregasaurus keeps drinking, it's best that you find another dentist before you are swapping your porn star panties for maternity scrubs.
I read a story a few days ago about a dentist in Britain. It was so impressive I almost had to blog about it. However, I will save the gem for you. The dentist was found by his dental assistant or teeth secretary, if you will, (for a 2nd time mind you) urinating in his dental sink and cleaning his ears and finger nails with his dental tools.
Moral of the story: keep flossing and be very, very selective when choosing a new dentist. Things to apparently look for: no foul stench emanating from the dental sink and stripping is allowed. This should make it pretty easy to narrow down the list...sorry the comment was so long but I felt I had to warn you.
You might want to mention that lack of a gag reflex on all your first dates...Well, if you want them to stalk you forever after, that is.
1,
I have a horrible gag reflex. Could you help me floss? I'll get a tank of nitrous for us. Stripping is allowed here, and I have never been pregnant. And you can control the radio.
jonas,
I can't believe that I am still funny. I am wearing all black in honor of K. Vonnegut. Thanks.
fringes,
I am adorable in scrubs. Really.
michael,
I am adding the foul smelling sink to my criteria of dentist's not to choose.
churlita,
Trust me, I do.
0,
My gag reflex is selective. I gag when brushing my teeth. Never while...um, flossing.
"...she feels the same way about three of her seven kids..."
Am I a bad parent because I found that very funny?
Someone already mentioned the gag reflex, but I thought I'd reflect on my admiration of it too.
I love the whole 'by appointment only' thing. My massage parlor has the same policy!
velvet,
I am sure that some of your children are precious.
todd,
The back room is a scary place, Todd.
My mum flushes her used dental floss down the toilet. Then the innocent tree roots are blamed for blocking the drains.
So do you do the tarot reading or do they?
With your flossing ability - we should call you Mistgyver
After twelve years on a submarine, my gag reflex just dissapeared one day. Guess that's why I need to lose some weight, I have no purge button.
I can't reach the back of my teeth. But because I want to be just like you, I'm also keeping my wisdom teeth. My doctor says it's important, therefore, to floss them diligently. I know that you're supposed to buy things with very little packaging to save the rainforests or something like that, but now I just use those little disposable flosser gizmos that have a handle and all that. My teeth have never been happier. I actually look forward to flossing now. My non-pregnant dentist would be so proud.
You don't have a Korean on your payroll somehow? I'm shocked.
Finding a new dental hygienist can be hell. Especially a pregnant one.
(Oh yes, I am still alive - almost)
I am always so impressed by how quickly you drop your pants on most ocasions. I don't like Pakistani food.
Oh floss, I like the Minty kind best...and re comment, Kurt helped us see funny in the darkest places!!
Is there any occasion at all where you won't drop your pants?
I hope not.
You had my heart at your cat's poop on a string. Yummy.
Scrubs with dinosaurs on? I'll bet she wears 'novelty' slippers, too.
Puss
Having found what could only be strands of my long hair holding together pieces of poo when cleaning my kitty-litter, I applaud your innovative thinking.
I get my brows threaded too. Its more accurate than waxing. Loooove ittt. I'd rather have the bikini area waxed though. the pain is over faster and I don't have anyone lingering too long in an area they aren't making very happy.
lonie,
I'm sure the trees aren't that innocent.
phishez,
Me.
karmyn,
You should see what I can do with saran wrap.
blitz,
The absence of a gag reflex can work in your favor.
fab,
Why? What have you heard?
h & b,
I keep those flossers in my car. My number of fender benders per year has dropped significantly since I switched from regular floss.
matt,
C'mon, Matt. My payroll is colorblind.
archie,
I am sort of hoping to find one who's been fixed this time.
Welcome back.
es,
Usually it involves alcohol, but nitrous is good too.
tom,
Minty is good.
brooke,
I woke up next to my pants this morning. I apparently didn't drop them out of bed.
debbie,
You can picture it, can't you?
puss,
I swear, I didn't go to a children's dental clinic. She just likes them.
yvonne,
Thank you. I do what I can for the good of the cause.
olives,
I'm willing to try it.
You can also use floss (unflavored, unwaxed) to cut cake layers in half so you can sneak in extra frosting layers (dentists love when you do that). Because, personally, I prefer to floss with frosting.
BTW, your poop-on-a-string approach to litter box management is brilliant. I would never have thought to accessorize like that.
Very funny post.
That nitrous oxide sounds like potent stuff. Quite the love gas!
Can I get a tarot reading? I'll pay you will floss & lemocello.
We must have the same dental hygenist because mine is prennially pregnant. I've formed the theory that she only wears a fake prenant belly for attention. Kind of like that there is always a loud one in the office, the gossipy one, the "strange" one, and she is the pregnant one. She's found her niche, and she's sticking to it.
LOL at "Pregosaurus"! You are hilarious!
tammy,
I'm not a fan of frosting. Unless I'm in a really dark place.
Thank you for validating my brilliance. I need more people like you in my life.
winters,
I wish I could remember it. I'm pretty sure I was hot.
p of u,
What time can you be here? Mind the tripwire.
rice,
Confession: I stole the pregnant pillow belly from a fitting room in the maternity section of Macy's. I wear it sometimes. I like to give my exes heart trouble.
Thanks for coming by.
kara,
Shhhh. Don't yell it. She'll find out that I call her that and then she won't send my x-rays over to my new dentist.
Thanks for coming by.
Hee hee....I love a good chuckle.
I swear to you that getting "down there" lasered will change your life. Although, you wouldn't be able to enjoy the floss on a regular basis.
My 1st grade daughter mentioned to me last night that one of the girls in her class has a unibrow, but is a very nice girl. At what age should a girl begin plucking or waxing her eyebrows? What about in an extreme case like the 1st Grade Cyclops?
Oh my God! I think I just asked you for advice!!!!! I better go hide the children from the CPS.
Have a Great Weekend,
Dagromm
Oh Mist, again! I think you're doing it to be funny and it's working.
The Jacob card, as above so below? awakening? which card is it? or is it not a card? I get so confused
tallulah,
I keep thinking about that, but what if I want to grow hair someday? Do they make a crotch toupee?
dagromm,
That's the thing about me. You know that you shouldn't ask, but you feel compelled.
I think it's too early to start waxing. The poor child should probably start wearing some sort of ethnic veil. I will ask Abida if she has a catalog of fashionable burkas for the little hairy one.
oh, sixteen angels on the head of a Jacob, Tower, hows that guess?
stacy,
I'm not sure about the Jacob card. I don't think it's in my Tarot deck. Perhaps, I'm not playing with a full deck.
ohmygod you are a genius!!! I am going to use your dental floss cat poop remover technique too!
Ever think of doing an infomerical???
LOL!!! OMG, you KEEP me laughing! Doesn't your (ex)Dentist know that one can't be held accountable for anything said/done once they've administered NO????
monkey,
I am still trying to come up with a good name for the product. Test markets didn't respond well to Poo Pearls.
tera,
I think the problem was that I had sort of helped myself to the gas. I guess that's considered rude or something.
I went in for a simple filling awhile back at my dentist. Due to this odd fear I have of smoke coming out of my mouth, I was sedated. I woke up missing my wisdom teeth. I'm pretty sure they've been sold on the black market.
All your uses for dental floss are genius!
ariel,
I would sue.
mutt,
I have designed a bikini too. You should see it. Adorable.
Careful messing with pregnant ladies, I had a petname (Pregnito) for my wife when she was knocked up with child...doesn't that make it sound a little nicer than "knocked up", the "with child" part really Alan Aldas it up a bit, don'tcha think?
furious,
I like to say "expecting." When I buy cough syrup (can't get wine here on Sundays), I avoid the expectorant.
I wonder if my dentist can help me with my hair problem?
av,
You don't have a hair problem. I think you have very shy skin. It's hiding behind all that hair. You should work on your skin's self-esteem. And that has to come from within, not from the dentist.
You are so sick Mist. So very sick, but in a likable sort of way. All my makeup ran off with this post! My husband thought I'd lost it...and I did.
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Good heavens - you dropped your pants in front of Pregasaurus? Don't you know that pregnancy is catching??
As for the dental floss/cat ass experiment, we had the same type of experience with curly string. Except the turd and string didn't fully leave the cat ass, and kept smacking her in the butt as she ran to get away. NOT fun, chasing a cat dragging a turd from a string in her ass...but MUCH fun removing it and listening to the howls.
You have to find a new dentist just because you dropped your pants in front of the hygienist?!
You do need to find a new dentist, Mist. That office is just way too prudish for you!
By the way, Pregasaurus should try dropping her pants more at work and a little less at home. She could earn herself a new nickname.
Uh oh. Now all the boys know about the nitrous oxide panty dropping trick!
comedy,
You do understand how much I hate signing up for stuff, right?
Nonetheless, I am willing to stuff the ballot box. Now, go fix your mascara Tammy Faye.
tigger,
I've seen my sister wind a piece of yarn up on a spool so that Leo didn't drag it all over the place.
library,
I wish that I had had the good sense to tell Pregasaurus that.
lcg,
Sweet. That was sort of my plan.
My dental hygenist wears grape-flavored gloves.
please tell me you don't really allow your kitty to eat dirty dental floss. yuck.
What colour is your moustache?
Have your thought of writing a book "101 things to do with dental floss"?
Pregasaurus...lmao! i MUST remember to use that one in the near future!!
There are so many uses for floss that it's hard to keep them all straight. I would have done the same thing. Also, because I hate wearing pants.
If Abida will thread cats, you can pretty much say goodbye to your lintroller.
Oh Mist, "like pearls on a string" - that is pure genius.
Flossing in front of the TV is the only way to go. I have my little flossers on the table next to the couch. But unlike you, I have no good reason for them to be there.
Mist1~You are a riot!!!
Okay the "pearls-on-a-string" visual with regards to the cat poop is starting to make me dry heave!
I will tell my skin that it's okay to be itself! Will you rub it and make it feel better, too?
123,
I don't like grape flavored stuff. Do they have wine flavored gloves?
nina,
I cannot control that animal.
akelamalu,
You are making my facial hair complex worse.
miztris,
You might get slapped. Say it from a safe distance away.
mystery,
I only wear pants when I have to.
nance,
I would save a fortune on masking tape.
tammie,
I liked the image too. When those pearl tampons first came out, I bought a box just to see. They are not at all what I expected.
tera,
I make myself dry heave all the time.
av,
I'll rub you, but I'll have to charge.
I pay in shoes. Is that okay?
av,
Perfect. I like your business style.
no gag reflex huh? try no uvula.
lux,
My vulva reflex works just fine, although I think that's a rather personal question.
yas,
There is a certain amount of pain that I am willing to accept for beauty.
Nice reference to Jacob's Ladder.
You are a master of dental floss, maybe you could open an academy where you train people to master the art of wielding dental floss.
I'm sure there are also many ways to use dental floss as a weapon. I'd love to see the day where dental floss is outlawed because it is such a dangerous weapon.
I miss you!
seb,
I am like a ninja with dental floss. I am that deadly.
jali,
You know where to find me. I'm at the bar.
LOL ;o) OK so every time I see a prego lady, I can't help but think, "Better her than me"!!!!
I swear the older I get the less and less I want to reproduce a spawn of my own!
~shivers~
Puts water glass down and looks for the bottled water.
super,
But, do you floss?
Dental floss trip wire? With my beauty and your brains we can rule the world!!!!!
jessica,
I'm not used to being the brains of any operation.
Thanks for coming by.
You should write the "1000 things you can do with dental floss" - it would be a best seller.
Are you sure Pregasaurus is permanently pregnant - could just be a fatarse
Why are dental hygeinist's so sexy?
dawn,
Don't you hate that?
grunt,
I think I should make instructional videos.
mal,
Pregasaurus must be very sexy to her husband.
Your floss use gave me some ideas. But I like my hygenist much better than yours. [I think mine is like the lady in the shoe, she knows what to do.]
I hate to spend my own precious time flossing. So I just about always never floss except when I'm driving. I can't do much else except drive anyway. My son brushes his teeth while driving, I can't do that because I spill water all over myself when I rinse. He spits out the window.
I am trying to help with that clean up job you and your friend are doing on her father's house.
Follow this link and you should do away with the cat urine problem forever.
http://www.catfaeries.com/feliway.html
..
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jim,
I have brushed my teeth driving. The key is to be very careful on the brakes.
anon,
Thanks.
You remind me that I need to get some dental floss. I wonder: could dental floss be used to shave a bikini line?
nick,
Go to your local Pakistani beauty salon.
Hell I have to get here earlier--LMAO at cat poop on a string and pregasaurus!!
HAHA! Mist, you crack me up! when I show them how all my cat's little craps lift neatly out of his litter box like pearls on a string, they see the genius behind my slovenly habits. This entire post is just too funny!
BTW, does it hurt to get your brows (or anything else) threaded? I've been partial to waxing, but man...that hurts like a biotch!!! Guess my threshold for pain isn't that great! LOL!
Hubba Hubba
turn,
There are no penalties for being tardy.
steph,
Mmmmm. Tingly. Actually, I did a post about body floss a while ago.
chrissy,
I don't experience physical pain like most people. It's uncomfortable, but I don't mind it at all.
crack,
You should have seen me. I had that little paper bib on and some spit in the corners of my mouth. It was pretty sexy.
I have done my eyebrows by threading...I've also had parts of my nether region threaded. I have not done a brazilian threading however - and wonder if it is 1. practical 2. possible.
nofear,
I think Abida will need an a$$istant for that.
I find novelty scrubs irrationally irritating. Dinosaurs, wha? It's...it's like plush toys in the rear window of a car.
pregasaurus?!!!!.........you are by far my favorite loon.....i wanna buy you dinner....come to Aiken and i'll take you to Davore's......
I hate to beat a dead horse, but then again, it wouldn't feel anything,now would it?
I thought the picture on this post was from a deck. You are definitely playing with more than a full deck, you are quite decktarious.
Why I am flossing right now, I even drive and floss at the same time. I come from a long line of what I like to call the "pickers" my family would try and floss for me if I let them...I never leave the house with out flossing, why I even have a floss pack that I wear around my waist I use pull it would like I would my 9 gun (if I had one) and pull the floss and begin my daily regiment no matter who is around...however I think my patients have been grossed out some what...I tell them no worries I am wearing gloves..universal pre-cautions du???
That was a little choppy..I ment I pull out my floss just as gracefully as I would pull out my 9 glock gun if I had one...there I think I fixed it...either way you know what I ment cause we are like re-lated once removed or something she'it like that...
kelley,
I second the no plush toys in the car rule.
stak,
Why didn't you say this when I was in Aiken?
stacy,
If I replace the word "deck" with "dick," your comment is really, really funny.
kat,
I go to great lengths to remain hairless.
tellin',
I want a floss pack. Do they come in different colors and styles to coordinate with my shoes?
you talking about that place off N. Druid Hills and Briarcliff? If not the Indian restaurant next door is off tha mufukkin chain...
Just thought you'd like to know.
stilt,
Why? Did you see me there? There's another one off of Scott.
you know, there was a point in my life when I paid a woman to spread hot wax on my wobbly bits and rip out any hair that may be there and the pain was tremendous. Then I discovered if you're incredibly drunk, it doesn't hurt so bad. Funny, that's true with most relationships too...
Your mind is amazing! The ideas you are giving for the use of dental floss! Being pregnant must be a requirement to be dental hygienist ......mine is always pregnant too.
The old "cleaning up your bikini line" is exactly the line Pregosaurus' husband has used on her to keep her knocked up, you know.
Bahahahaha!!!!
I hate floss but i do love your blog
legal,
Why didn't I think about going to my appointments drunk?
sunny,
Do we have the same dentist? Tell him I'm sorry and will keep my pants on if he'll just take me back.
jocelyn,
No wonder she was so upset.
ee,
Do you know a good dentist.
shadow,
How can anyone hate floss? I have to go floss right now.
what?..........you only get to visit Aiken once?......I was playing a show in Augusta the last time you were in Aiken.....just come to Aiken........Davore's is great tapas-style dining.......
CAt poo on a string, that is imagineering, Mist!
I don't see what's so wrong with what you did. Your bikini line is a total disaster and it really NEEDS cleaning up--maybe even with power tools. She overreacted to a very reasonable request. Uptight pregnant bitch.
Well I'm used to being the beauty of any operation either. Screw it lets just take pictures of your shoes.
I meant "not used". My brain is against me today...
stak,
I went for a horse thing.
mamma,
Sometimes, I have to sit down after I have an idea like that. I get all weak in the knees.
karla,
Do you think you could write a compelling letter on my behalf to my doctor? Tell them that I am willing to meet with Pregasaurus and make a public apology.
jessica,
I just bought the most adorable little wedges. I have to go look at them again.
Don't flush your dental floss. It will clog up your plumbing.
Seriously, not enough people realize and/or understand the wonders that is threading.
My eyebrows (and yeah fine, my upper lip and chin) look amazing and there's no nasty pore blocking wax getting in there to completely f*cking things up.
swampy,
It is clogging up the cat's plumbing.
heather,
Exactly. I will never wax my brows again.
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