I'm Here To Help
I encourage people to reach out to me when they need help. Mostly, because I like to talk about them behind their backs. But, also because I am a caring and deeply compassionate person. My favorite kind of phone call to get, is the one that starts with, "Mist, I have a Situation." I love Situations. I can be sure that whatever follows that sentence will be good.I am not a helpful person by nature. The last time that I was helpful it was by accident. I still feel like the Mayor should have recognized me for single handedly stopping a purse snatcher by almost running over the guy with my car. Yes, I was putting on mascara while driving, but he had no business snatching purses and not looking both ways before crossing the street.
I wish that I had listened to the entire Situation before I offered to help. Now, I have a Situation of my own. I have promised to help my friend clean out her father's house. He'll be away until next March unless he is released early due to good behavior. This, according to my friend is the perfect time to get his house in order.
I was warned in advance that the condition of the house. The police removed several of her father's belongings as evidence, so we wouldn't have move anything heavy. She failed to ask me if I like the sensation of cat urine burning my nostrils. I could smell the house from the driveway. "How many cats does your dad have?" I asked. "One," she said and headed for the door as though she couldn't detect the smell.
I decided to roll up my sleeves and start helping clean out the house. I started in the liquor cabinet. Once I had cleaned that out, I decided to take a break.
I found a trash bag and spread it out so that I could sit down. My friend was steam cleaning the curtains. Always helpful, I told her not to waste her time cleaning them. It seemed to me that the only thing to do with the entire house was to burn it. And then, burn it again. Surely, her father has insurance. She ignored me. I whined that it was hot. Naturally, all of the windows had been painted shut years ago. I begged her to turn on the air conditioner in the window. "Trust me, you don't want me to do that," she said. "He got it from his neighbor, it smells like cat when it's on."
I was going to ask how that would make the situation worse, but I was overcome with the need to puke.
The toilet bowl had a delicate fringe on the inside. It fluttered like eyelashes when I flushed.
I am supposed to help her again on Sunday. Clearly, I cannot back out without a bigger, more important thing to pull me away. Someone will need to have a heart attack. But who will it be?
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:31 AM
93 Comments:
I love hearing about other people's situations too, and for the exact same reason. That's why I got into HR, so I can get paid for it. And of course because chicks totally dig a guy in Human Resources.
Set the Fire before it's too late,
Dagromm
dagromm,
Chicks dig HR guys? Am I missing out? Why did I not know this?
Well hang around me kiddo, I am down two people in less than a year....seriously, I really should start taking out life insurance policies on friends...
Just remember -- use a natural accelerant and a lighter (matches never burn all of the way), pay for all of your supplies in cash (don't you dare leave a paper trail), and have an alibi involving nuns. Nobody suspects someone who has an alibi involving nuns.
Good luck!
I've smelt cat pee... When our cat pee'd on our bed. Whele we slept in it.
So I will volenteer to have the heart attack. It will be a win-win situation, I get out of doing the dishes that have pilled up..Did you know we ran out of clean..uhm. Everything? It's sort of ok, I have a stash of plastic utensils on hand..
Anyway, I feel your pain.
Please don't talk about me behind my back... ;-)
I used to be able to have a heart attack on command, but it's not as easy now as it used to be, sorry.
If you were going to puke, you should have skipped the toilet. Maybe it would have covered up the piss smell.
You say "We should just be friends" and skip town...no wait..hang on..that's the pregnant girlfriend excuse...I think you're stuck with cat piss.
It sounds like that kind of situation where there isn't enough Febreze in the world to get the funk out.
Maybe you could mow a friend down with your car while applying mascara. That way, it wouldn't look fake - since you have priors and all.
Mist - I think chicks dig HR guys coz it's supposed to be a discipline that requires our 'soft skills' - or maybe just because it's such a rarity?
Is an HR chick ;)
I'm not feeling too well - my heart seems to be skipping a few beats now and then. I sure hope it doesn't act up on Sunday....
(there is NOTHING worse than old cat urine soaked carpets and drapes)
I'll pull you away from that if you come help me clean my apartment. No cats!
Mayhaps yourself?
The smell and general filth seems enough to stop anyone's heart.
Just tell her you have Cholera. Under those conditions, it is totally plausible.
Well, you've brought me close to death on more than a few occasions, when laughter leads to hyperventilation...which leads to palpitations...really, it's just a matter of time, I figure. Go ahead. Post another entry. See if you get lucky.
I think I'm going to have a heart attack just from reading that.
Bet the liquor cabinet wasn't even that dirty.
A subtle Eliot reference?
"And here is Belladonna, Lady of Rocks, lady of situations"
"April is the cruellest month"
I suggest you tell her you've been overcome by a spasm of melancholy...
"You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;
'They called me the hyacinth girl.'
—Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
Looking into the heart of light, the silence."
*gets ready to give Jonas CPR*
I have a rash that seems to be contagious. am willing to share. or perhaps this would be a good time to go back to giving wiggy a bath, can't help clean, am giving wiggy the "whole experience".
Follow Legaleagle's advice and burn that sucker down on Saturday night.
The 'fringe'--- oh my god I have 'seen' that LOL
mist, I have a situation. I can't figure out which of these would be best for this weekend. Can you help?
(word verification: dongk. Heh.)
I have to tell you... I think you were right on the money with the whole arson plan...
dallas,
Suddenly, you don't seem as trustworthy as I used to think you were.
legal,
I never have cash. I guess that option is out.
blue,
But seriously, how are you feeling?
michael,
I was sort of hoping you'd come through for me on the whole heart attack thing.
blitz,
Yes, because puke smells way better than cat pee.
mxi,
I just got a text message in which she referred to me as her bff. I think I am forced to help on Sunday.
churlita,
The cat laughs in the face of Febreze.
fiona,
Where do HR guys hang out?
karmyn,
Your lips are turning blue. I am totally here for you.
h & b,
What kind of animal do you have?
lyze,
I'm not the heart attack type. I'm more of the mental breakdown type.
slag,
Cholera before swimsuit season is like what every woman wishes for.
jonas,
For some reason, the way you typed palpitations, it seemed sexy to me.
phishez,
I was able to overlook the filth in the liquor cabinet.
dawn,
I had no idea that I was so poetic.
fab,
That's pretty damn close. Does your arm feel numb?
fiona,
I don't think I'm certified.
es,
I am anti-rash.
turn,
It's sort of beautiful in a disgusting way, isn't it?
nwjr,
I need to know more about the Situation before I can pick out a color scheme. Work with me.
chef,
I'm still trying to persuade her.
i am so glad that my level of situations have never reached this point, although i am sure you have shared some of my shenanigans with others, lol.
do people not know that their house smells like a cats twat when they don't take care of them?
Maybe Wiggy can have a heart attack. You said you were waiting for her to die.
Mist1~I thoroughly enjoy your posts, ALWAYS evoking a good gut laugh when I need one!!!
This is DEFINITELY a situation!!! GROSS!!!! Don't let the bff thing fool you...she just knows that no one else is crazy enough to go in a house that you can probably smell from the corner store! She's going for emotional appeal!
Wow. You're in a cat-stanking house helping someone CLEAN?
I guess you can always get super drunk. Time passes by quicker, and you'll feel like you're actually being productive. She'll catch on when you're staggering and kick you out to the curb. Done and done.
Kurt is dead.
How about convincing her to have a cleaning party, kindof Tom Sawyerish like. You are in charge of the invites, organizing, etc. Now instead of the focus being cleaning, it is on the partying. You know who to invite for this to happen. throw in a few sponges for effect. Then when the party is in full effect, there could be a careless smoke left unattended and viola'-no more cleaning problems or rancid smells!
Other than that I would suggest bringing some incense sticks with you. this will fog out and over the smell long enough for you to hold true to your word and friend.
k,
It is only a matter of time before you have a Situation that requires a capital S.
reba,
I'm going to draft a DNR for her now.
tera,
I've been manipulated via text message.
curiosity,
I will have to restock the liquor.
anon,
I know. I am distraught. I've already looked for a new, more appropriate quote for the day.
wreck,
Please create an evite for me. Thanks.
Wow, I want to thank you for making the streets of Atlanta a safer place, accidentally.
Well, I won't have a heart attack hopefully but I will lend you some of my work gloves....
Arson seems to be the best alternative. I tried to clean my college dorm room at the end of my freshman year that way - they frown upon that.
My friend Valerie got me out of a bar fight by telling the other dude my dad had passed.
My dad has died at least three times.
slick,
Are they over the elbow work gloves? Because that might be too formal for this project.
av,
Perhaps I shouldn't have blogged about arson. If this post comes down this weekend, mum's the word.
matt,
I can't utter those words about my dad.
oh gag (on cat piss smell)! if i find any willing heart attack victims, i'll send them your way so you can quickly form a lasting friendship before Sunday.
You won't have to fake anything...by Sunday I'm sure you'll be manifesting symptoms from the hepatitis you caught on the toilet (and only made worse by cleaning out the liquor cabinet). Surely, you'll at LEAST be jaundiced.
The friendship is over. Trust me. Come to terms with it. Now.
LOL! Ohhhhhh, Mist! You have the most interesting bunch of friends :) No wonder you always have good stuff to write about! Oh, and ick...I can't stand the smell of cat pee! Totally makes me want to gag!
BTW, a former co-worker of mine once told our boss that she had to go to a funeral and that her husband's uncle had died. Ummmm...she ended up going to Boston for St. Paddy's Day! LOL! I'm sure you can come up with a good excuse to get out of helping clean this weekend! LOL!
I volunteer - I can pencil in a heart attack for ya Mist. It's what a good blog-friend would do.
make sure to pencil in the EMT crew to bring me back k?
la cubana you make a good point...Mist1 didn't you say you were a hypochondriac? That shouldn't be a hard one to pull off!
Very impressed at how well you avoided the great irony of asking for help. In fact, your 'who will it be?' had a kind of menacing note to it. Friendly, but menacing. That's sweet. Award winning and all that.
Ew. Tell her you can't make it. You have to get a tetanus shot.
spoon,
I don't bond with people easily. We'll have to fake it.
lcg,
You know, my eyeballs do look a little yellow now that you mention it.
nance,
But we are bffs. I have the text to prove it.
chrissy,
I will use the husband's uncle excuse. I will have to get a husband before Sunday.
mayren,
Oh, I'll pencil in the EMTs. Mmmm. EMTs.
tera,
I suppose my doctor's saw my heart attack coming.
booda,
Sweet and menacing are words that kind of sum me up. Except maybe not the sweet or friendly part so much. Or really menacing for that matter.
pookie,
I'm up to date on my shots.
real friends don't ask you to hang out in cat piss. break up with her. NOW!
Mist! I am having a situation, come quick! I am experiencing a death of my ego and I have a wine cellar full of red wine. I need your help.
nina,
but then who will call me with Situations?
stacy,
Why didn't you call on the hotline? I'm there.
Hi Misty -- you've got a problem here. What I would do?
1st get rid of the cat. Make a story up about it.
2ndly do wear gloves, maybe heavy rubber ones.
3rdly burn the curtains and everything the cat's been peeing on.
Once I left the back window open in my truck and the cat got in for the night.
She peed on my jacket, I had to burn that. It was one that needed to be cleaned, cleaning wouldn't make it not smell.
Pine-Sol with lots of soapy water finely rescued the interior.
Thanks for the comment, you are correct.
For several years now I have been asking a fellows at our table to go to the rest room with me.
I've never had a taker.
..
I'm having a situation, Mist..a shoe situation. What could be more important? You are the only one who can help me.
jim,
It's not a problem. It's a Situation. I'm thinking about faking amnesia and forgetting about the whole thing.
ariel,
I f*cking live for Situations like that, Ariel. Don't mess with me. You should see what you've done to me now. I'm all excited.
Aw, Mist, you KNOW I'm indebted to you for your keen insight and perspective.
I can't promise a heart attack, but maybe I can whip up some rickets. Or typhoid fever. Holla atcha girl.
All the steam in the world isn't going to help that house unless it's the result of firemen spraying water on the flames.
OMFG!!!! I am laughing so hard & disgusted at the same time! Ewwww! Girl, get out of it any way you can!
An air conditioner that smells like a cat when it's "turned on" - we must be twins. FAZ
you better start drinking heavy now. maybe you'll be in a coma by Sunday! *crosses fingers*
123,
Don't get anything contagious. It has to be believable that I would come rushing to your side.
velvet,
I'm sorry, I got distracted by the firemen. What did you say?
paula,
How's your heart?
faz,
Not that kind of turned on. C'mon Faz, this is a family blog.
miztris,
Good thing I stocked up last night.
yvonne,
What sucks? The cat pee, the fact that his house is now free of liquor, or his prison sentence?
I'm sending your name to the Vatican to be considered for Canonisation.
I'm not a good enough friend to help clean someones house. I am a good enough friend to offer to pay for a cleaning service while we get lunch.
oceans,
I think my picture is on the wall in the Vatican.
olives,
Brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?
My silence comes at a price.
But Mist, you have one; you must hot foot it (in your prettiest shoes) to NYC to pay tribute to the great Kurt. Sad news. Sadder than cat wee.
Puss
I hope you're sitting down. I have given you a Thinking Blogger award. Check out my blog :)
av,
I will let you borrow my snake for the weekend.
puss,
I felt really bad about writing this and then seeing the headline in the morning. Almost as though I had caused his death.
skittles,
I'm not really known for my thinking. I am more well known for my hair, which is on my head, which is where my brain is, so I guess I can see the logic there.
You could tell her that you've broken out in a terrible rash. Apparently you're allergic to cats. Or cat piss. Or whatever comprised the "delicate fringe."
Oh my Mist, yet another mess you have gotten yourself into. You need to do whatever is necessary to get out of any further trips to this nightmare cleaning project. You are a hoot.
I once believed that helping a friend move was one of life's worst experiences.
I now suspect that your Situation is even less conducive to a happy life than moving a friend.
You are one damn good friend! I would have been so not helping after the po-po was involved...But Cat URINE?!?!?!
OMG your friendship must be derived from BLOOD!
we all know that is thicker than water!
bird,
I want to throw up again just thinking about the delicate fringe.
comedy,
Mess sounds worse than Situation.
history,
You're so right. I should move.
super,
I hope there's no blood in the basement. Surely, the police have cleaned all that up.
Wow. Last time I helped clean a house, it was my great-uncle's place. We found a few thousand bucks hidden away in the silverwear drawer. It was a good day for loose morals and big pockets.
There...palpitations...I typed it again...the end is near...
shameless self indulgence............you should read my latest post...........it's right up your alley..........it's about the mentally ill.......
todd,
I have totally loose morals. My jeans are too tight to have big pockets.
jonas,
That was good for me. Was it good for you?
stak,
I am sure that you didn't mean to infer that I am mentally ill. The people at my insurance company have assured me that I am just fine and won't be needing any more time in the Quiet Room for at least 30 days.
Your loose morals, my loose morals, your tight jeans, my tightening jeans...
Well, that was predictable.
todd,
All men should really consider wearing tighter jeans. I approve of tight jeans.
diarrhea, just tell em' you got diarrhea...I think that's the most common illness people call in sick to work with...no one wants to be around someone with diarrhea...I don't even like talking to them on the phone!!
All of it. Every last bit, even the liquor. I'd be very hesitant to drink liquor that came out of that house.
tom,
So far, I have diarrhea, allergies, and a broken arm. I'd better get on WebMD and research my symptoms.
yvonne,
I'm never hesitant to drink liquor.
I don't have any animals, technically. I have been somehow the unwilling host of ants the past couple days, but they're beginning to grow on me. So cute.
Only if you play with mine. And I promise not to squeal.
h & b,
Ants make great pets. You never have to walk them and if you get sick of them, a little spray is all it takes.
av,
I've been told that you squeal like a guinea pig.
I hope you rescued the cat atleast.
Only if you pull my tail too hard.
elaine,
I didn't see the cat. Not even once.
av,
Please send photo of said tail.
I'm still waiting on photos from you first. A gentleman never offers the first photograph.
av,
Stop playing coy. Or koi, whichever you prefer.
Nobody needs to die. Just tell her you have to prevent someone from committing suicide. That trumps every other obligation a person might have. I would think anyway.
Hope this idea isn't too late to safe yourself. I would have walked in and right back out again.
mouse,
I'm more likely to be the one shouting, "jump!"
LOL Sadly, there's been a person or two in my life who I gladly would have said that to. I'm so going to hell.
mouse,
I'll see you there. I'm planning a blogger meet-up in Hell.
did you manage to find a victim? i suggest a hammer and chisel to get those windows open.
save the world... one window at a time.
melanie,
I stayed in a hotel and avoided phone calls.
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