To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Grocery Shopping


I am usually the picture of patience.

I don't mind waiting in line at the bank. I like to watch the people in line with me. Waiting in line is awkward. People never know what to do with themselves. I watch them fidget and shift from foot to foot. I talk to them. If they are short with me, I make up stories about them in my head. My stories are so entertaining, that I hope to never know the real details of their lives. Sometimes, when they are leaving, I am tempted to reach out to them and say things like, "keep skating, you'll make it," or "I know what's buried in the backyard." I have tremendous self restraint and I so I look down at my hands and pretend to be really interested in my cuticles.

I like the camaraderie that I find with other people waiting in line with me. When the cashier has to change the roll of paper in the till, we sigh and share a moment because we know that we are so important that we cannot possibly be asked to wait the additional minute and a half that it will take to insert the new roll. We love to hate the cashier who fumbles with the paper. We know that we could do it better if it was left up to us. I love communal hatred. It feels so good.

Last night, I stopped by the store for toilet paper. I also picked up a few bottles of wine, an air freshener, sushi, dental floss (unwaxed, mint), replacement blades for my razor, cigarettes, and grapes. As I was shopping for impulse purchases, I yapped on the phone with a friend. She asked me to pick up a pack of size 4 diapers. Confidently, I strode down the diaper aisle. Diapers are like baby panties and I am practically a panty shopping professional. With the diapers in my cart, I went to wait in line to check out.

I leafed through a magazine while I waited and ate several grapes. To keep from eating all of them, I picked up a pack of gum from the rack and chewed a piece. Finally, the cashier began ringing my purchases. I swiped my card and punched in my code and waited. Not Authorized. I swiped again and slowly entered the code. Still, Not Authorized. I watched the people in line communally hate me. They sighed and craned their necks to look at the other lines. They cleared their throats and hated me.

Fingering through my other cards, I heard a woman's voice say, "Looks like we chose the wrong line." I felt them judging my purchases. What kind of woman buys diapers and razors and wine and cigarettes? I wanted to explain to them not to worry, I'm an astronaut. In the end, I did the only thing I could do. I pulled out my phone and answered a phone call. I spoke loudly as I made my plans for the weekend.

Then, I slowly wrote a check.

If random strangers are going to hate me, I want them to really hate me.

Mist 1


86 Comments:

At 9:03 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

You forgot to argue the price of the floss, which of course would have created the necessity of a price check, thereby ensuring that everyone in line would feel total and complete hatred towards you. You know, the type of hatred reserved for Nazis, murderers, Richard Simmons and Pauly Shore.

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger EE said...

LMAO...oops, I think I peed my pants a little:o

 
At 9:27 PM, Blogger Lizza said...

You are one brave soul. I would've melted under the waves of hostility.

 
At 9:39 PM, Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Diapers are like baby panties and I am practically a panty shopping professional.

practically?

 
At 9:40 PM, Blogger Captain Smack said...

I hate you...

OH, how I hate you...

 
At 9:43 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

I like to go to bars and make up stories about all the patrons and who's going home with whom. If the guy is a dog and the girl is really hot, I just assume the guy has a lot of cocaine.

 
At 9:52 PM, Blogger fringes said...

That astronaut line should get you elected to some writer's hall of fame. Retire now, you won't get any better than that.

 
At 10:09 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

They still make cheques? Damn, if I was a cashier at a store serving someone who couldn't get their plastic to work, I'm sure I'd be a bit leery about taking a cheque from them.... Just sayin', is all.

 
At 10:35 PM, Anonymous la cubana gringa said...

And during that phone conversation presumably you also spoke loudly about how your asshole baby daddy ALWAYS drains the bank account when he gets out on parole?? Gawd, I hate that...

 
At 11:19 PM, Blogger Squid said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 11:21 PM, Blogger His Sinfulness said...

I love to pay for my purchases with the change I scavenge from the poor boxes here at the Black Vatican. You have not felt the full withering scorn of the line until you have paid for $37.24 worth of vegan meat substitute with pennies, nickels, and dimes - while wearing a utilikilt - in a grocery store in Wyoming. I walked out with my head held high, while every carnivore behind me silently wished heart disease and anal rape upon my faggy, herbivorous ass.

 
At 11:28 PM, Blogger Sheila said...

Ah, if you're going to do it, you might as well do it right! Good job!

 
At 11:41 PM, Blogger MXI said...

Ah, communal hate, I love when society comes together!

 
At 11:51 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

They smoke in space?

 
At 12:02 AM, Blogger SQT said...

They smoke in space?

And drink wine while wearing diapers to avoid potty breaks. Those astronauts sure know how to party.

 
At 12:09 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

What shoes were you wearing? I find it easier to hate people if their shoes are way hotter than mine.

 
At 2:18 AM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

I would like to step into your head just once... and greet all your personalities.

I don't know if I'll survive it/them/she/he, but I've always enjoyed experiementing.

 
At 2:53 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

That happened to me once, I blushed so hard the place almost caught fire!

 
At 3:27 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

I love being hated by strangers, just another past time.

 
At 4:51 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

I love irritating strangers too. Impatient strangers are the most fun.

 
At 5:00 AM, Blogger captain corky said...

"If random strangers are going to hate me, I want them to really hate me"

I like that philosophy a lot!

 
At 5:06 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

communal hatred, weather you're enjoying it or feeding it it's great.

The astronaught bit was about as funny as shopping for impulse items.

 
At 5:24 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

"What kind of woman buys diapers and razors and wine and cigarettes? I wanted to explain to them not to worry, I'm an astronaut."

*sigh*

I never saw that coming. Brilliance, mist. Sheer brilliance. I bow in the presence of your superior blogging skills.

 
At 5:39 AM, Blogger mrsmogul said...

I risk going through the drive through part of the bank. I think putting paper in a tube to send it out is so cool. Anyway, my husband is always looking at the shortest lines and we always get the old lady with the million coupons!!!

 
At 5:42 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

When I have to do that, I find out how much I can write the check "over" for. Then I try to do math in my head... except I say it out loud to keep the line informed of how smart I am. Then I screw it up at least 3 times. Because I'm blonde, they have to overlook it. Then I decide to just write it for the exact amount.

It's a great game. Good to know someone else plays!

 
At 5:53 AM, Blogger tammy said...

You're right. There's no sense half-assing hatred.

 
At 6:22 AM, Blogger Susan said...

I can't stop laughing from the astronaut line. You could have looked at them and pointed out you can't help it if your baby is a smoking drinking shaving wonder of time.

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

If I hadn't already directed my hatred of the day toward the woman who almost ran over me on her bike this morning, I would totally hate Pauly Shore right now.

ee,

I've got diapers.

lizza,

I am used to hostility. I wear it well.

blue,

I almost edited out the word practically, but I thought I'd sound to whorish.

capt. smack,

Your hatred only strengthens my sense of grandiosity.

churlita,

I will remember that the next time I am in a bar. I'll be looking for the dog.

fringes,

I'm not stopping this writing thing until I have the adoration of millions, or carpel tunnel syndrome.

arthur,

The cashier wanted me out of there as much as everyone else.

lcg,

Were you standing behind me in line? Because that's totally what I was talking about.

squid,

Thanks for coming by.

his sin,

The description of your a$$ has me all hot and bothered.

sheila,

No one can say that I didn't apply myself.

mxi,

I do too. I get swept up in the excitement.

hearts,

After sex, yes.

sqt,

I want to party like an astronaut.

phishez,

Red. Wedge. Ethnic looking embellishment at the toe.

curiosity,

We are oodles of fun.

akelamalu,

I rarely blush. I am nearly immune to embarrassment.

es,

I do too. It makes me feel important.

debbie,

It's like a game, isn't it?

capt. corky,

I have lots of philosophies. I can't remember any of them right now, but they're all good.

wreck,

I always shop for impulse items. I even ask the sales associates for help and if they can recommend something.

nwjr,

You people love the astronauts, don't you?

mogul,

I love the tube.

wg,

I'm starting to think that everyone does it on purpose.

tammy,

I never half a$$ anything. Except for working, cleaning, and returning phone calls.

susan,

Everyone in my community knows that the dingo ate my baby.

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger Kara said...

I had my card declined the other day and people were not happy, especially when I just left all my stuff sitting there in the self checkout lane for someone else to deal with. If they are going to be impatient and snotty they can move the stuff out of the way and save me the aggravation, since they are already aggravated it shouldn't make much difference right?

 
At 6:45 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

yeah, if you're gonna be hated get your money's worth.

wait a second..."replacement blades for my razor, cigarettes, and grapes"

your grapes have blades?

that's awesome

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

And of course you had everything individually double-bagged, haggled over a coupon, and tore the tag off of something so the cashier had to do a price check, right?

 
At 7:10 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Playing a bunch of lottery tickets at the register makes 'em mad too.

I like your philosophy, though. Don't do something half ass, do it right.

 
At 7:17 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I write checks all the time.

Everyone in Hell does.

...and yet one more reason why it's Hell.

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I knew there was a reason I always use the self checkout line. Plus I get to handle my own bag.

 
At 7:55 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

As much as I like being the provocateur In Line, I'm just as happy if everyone's happy. And they'd BE happy if they took better advantage of those little television sets. I LOVE being on television in line. I do show promos best. I'd like to see a few weathermen and talk shows.

Don't TELL me the world wouldn't be a better place.

 
At 8:01 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kara,

I can't believe that no one offered to buy your stuff for you.

furious,

The razor blade in the apple prank is old. Grapes are where it's at.

av,

Dammit. I'm going back to the store today.

nolff,

I have never bought a ticket. Maybe I should start.

pissy,

Tell me that you have all of your information pre-printed on the check.

blitz,

I'm not sure I know what handling your own bags means.

booda,

TV in line? Where do you shop?

 
At 8:02 AM, Blogger Just A Girl said...

you crack me up.

 
At 8:19 AM, Blogger Tug said...

Better to hate you than the minimum wage checker with ugly shoes. You're quite the humanitarian.

 
At 8:24 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

I used to get embarassed buying condoms, and invariably my card would be declined. But now it's like, "Yeah, folks. I'm getting some. Jeluz?"

Because they really should be.

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger jali said...

Unwaxed? OMG - the horror.

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

It's the old men that stand THISCLOSE to you in line that make me insane...like automatic weapon discharging insane.

 
At 8:46 AM, Blogger Nina said...

I've learned to be patient in lines. I used to just leave the store if the lines were too long and I wasn't buying much. But now I find it fun to yell at the people in line who are hating me for some unknown reason. Its also fun to yell out curse words and pretend to have tourettes.

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jag,

I did not crack up the people in line. I bet they are laughing about it now.

tug,

I think I just teared up because I am deeply touched by my actions.

123,

That is the kind of attitude that I adore.

jali,

Waxed is for amateurs.

scotts,

I find that everyone stands too close to me. I blame my magnetism.

nina,

Remember to add a facial tic, otherwise it's not believable.

 
At 10:46 AM, Blogger ~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I used to cashier...people like you made me want to jump over the counter and strangle you. No offense. ;)

 
At 10:48 AM, Anonymous themuttprincess said...

I did not know that any stores still accepted checks.

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

silver,

I have wanted to strangle lots of cashiers. No offense.

mutt,

I think I'm going to start writing checks there all the time. I have a box of 20,000 checks and no place to keep them.

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger Tera said...

I wonder how many germs were on those grapes that had not been rinsed *rubbing chin in wonderment*

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tera,

That's why I got the wine. It kills germs. It doesn't do anything for the pesticides.

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger Jazz said...

Is paying by cheque as ridiculously hard in the US as it is in Quebec? Here you need about 50 different IDs and 45 approvals from the stock boy on up to the president of the company.

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jazz,

In the States, when you write a check, you just grab your stuff and run out so that they don't have any choice but to accept it. Sometimes, we use other people's checks.

 
At 11:37 AM, Blogger Tera said...

Oh yeah, forgot about the wine...PHEW!!! No harm inherent in that! Carry on, carry on *In the Grey Poupon commercial voice* ;)

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tera,

Wine is like Neosporin as far as I'm concerned.

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger The CEO said...

1,
Are you available to shop for me? I need pointers.

 
At 11:59 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I've got plenty of pointers. I give them away.

 
At 12:02 PM, Blogger Tera said...

Yes, so is Rum!

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tera,

I like you more and more.

 
At 12:57 PM, Blogger Comedy + said...

"I am usually the picture of patience". Bwahahah. I am not buying this one, but you had me rolling on the floor with the first sentence.

Yes, I have been in line with you and it was just last week. Same person that went through about three cards and then wrote a check. There was diapers in the basket and wine. It was you... I did hate you so too. Bwahahah. Great one Mist. :)

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

I was blushing for you.

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger maximo said...

you only pretend to be really interested in your cuticles?

because i'm actually really interested in mine. "the girl" thinks i'm weird and possibly queer for always complaining about my dry cuticles.

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

lmao! i agree - if you're going to do it, do it right!

one time at Walmart (go figure) the people in front of us just had all of the shit in their overflowing cart scanned, bagged and ready to go. then the guy whipped out a check to pay for it all (a government check, I'm assuming) and walmart wouldn't accept it. the people left empty handed and we had to wait for the cashier to unbag everything. I was definitely saying, "I guess we picked the wrong line" that day!"

but you're going to love this - they forgot to unpack one of the items and left it in the bag...and guest what it was?

DENTAL FLOSS! yee-haw!!

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

comedy,

Did you notice my shoes? Cute, huh?

stacy,

Stick with me, we'll acclimate you to public humiliation together.

maximo,

My cuticles are perfectly lovely. I never push them back because I am afraid that germs will enter my body via my nail bed. Get a good moisturizer and wear gloves to bed if you must.

miztris,

What is a government check?

 
At 2:14 PM, Blogger Gina said...

Er, should I admit that the woman who said, "I guess we picked the wrong line" would have been me?

I'm all about the hating.

 
At 2:26 PM, Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

Why "unwaxed?"


I'm thinking up a story about your wax aversion right now. What a great idea on how to kill time.

 
At 2:27 PM, Blogger maximo said...

do you think apricot scented moisturizer will make me smell unmanly? and if so, how much aftershave do you suppose it would take to cover it up?

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

At least you had a check! I once went to target, stood in a long line, put my purchases on the belt 2 bottles of wine, condoms, tampons, pads, Ky jelly, and hot massage oil only to look in my purse and find that I did not bring my wallet. I told the people in the line look over there...a fire the I ran...

 
At 4:05 PM, Blogger Constance said...

It always seems to happen when you have a bizarre assortment of groceries. Heaven forbid you have difficulties with flour, milk and eggs. Nooo...it has to be the diapers, wine and razors. That's when I'd glare at the other people in line with one beady eye and claim that I hate my children. Perhaps while slurring.

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

It's obvious that you're an overachiever Mist. :)-

 
At 7:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

gina,

It's okay. I don't blame you.

michelle,

I like unwaxed. I feel closer to the string. Floss is the only thing that I prefer unwaxed.

maximo,

No amount of aftershave can cover that. Embrace the apricot smell.

tellin,

I recently started carrying my checks because I got a new wallet that's so large that I can keep an extra pair of shoes in it.

constance,

What the hell would I do with flour? I don't allow milk or eggs in my home.

yvonne,

Everyone is always telling me that.

 
At 7:36 PM, Blogger Alicia said...

Sometimes I make up stories about other people in my mind, too.
Usually I just try to guess what color underwear they're wearing.

 
At 7:40 PM, Blogger Todd said...

I like eating food from other people's carts.

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger Nance said...

You should have also asked the cashier to ring the diapers separately. Then asked her to re-ring them because you found the coupon. Oh, wait. It's expired. Never mind, then.

 
At 9:02 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

alicia,

You should hear the story about the waitress in the Greek restaurant near my home. She used to be an ice skater. The story has everything. Romance, scandal, injury, defecting to the United States...

todd,

Sometimes, I put food in other people's carts.

nance,

I have never successfully used a coupon.

 
At 9:55 PM, Blogger essa said...

I so wish I was in that line with you. I love the committment.

 
At 6:31 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

A woman after my own heart. Did you ask her to hang on while you ran to fetch a forgotten item? I love that move...

Puss

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

essa,

I take things like this very seriously. One day, I will probably be recognized for my work in human social behavior.

puss,

I almost went out to the car to get all the change from the cup holder. But, I remembered that I had done that last time.

 
At 7:36 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Really, Mist1? Unwaxed dental floss? That's hard core.

 
At 7:38 AM, Blogger Matt said...

I enjoyed telling one English-style "equistrian" behind me in line at the grocery store to "hold his horses."

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

I take my flossing seriously. I also take the equestrian pretty seriously.

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger melanie said...

I thought I was the only one that did that kind of strategy. I also juggle a small child, and make inane conversation as to distract me even further from completing the transactions... Last week the Junior manager scolded my child. I almost went over the counter to cap on his pimpleeeeeyyy a***.

Shopping is one of the only times they let me out.

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

I should have had a baby as an accessory. Dammit.

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

In the good old days I would have taken that opportunity to get your number.

diapers don't scare me.

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiyotoe,

Sometimes, I buy diapers just to pick guys up. They say, "I'm not opposed to premarital sex."

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

That post made my night. Albeit, my night consits of sampling the new organic wine stocked by systembologet and dying my hair, but really it was a funny one.

 
At 4:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lux,

Organic wine is health food.

 
At 6:43 PM, Blogger A Million Paths said...

My card getting denied at the cash register. Like, my total nightmare. Really. And it's happened to me twice. once because I accidentally deposited my checkbook in someone else's account. Another time because my bank canceled my card for fraud (someone else's).

 
At 8:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

million,

There's a story explaining why my card was denied...but isn't there always?

 

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