To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, May 21, 2007

Sick Duck


It has suddenly become clear, that I am not responsible enough to manage animals.

After last week's episodes with felines and hormones, I thought that I'd spend the weekend blissfully at home. I would drink wine and smoke catnip and talk about Issues. You know, stuff that really matters like why my favorite hair care company has stopped making my favorite product and like, about how much I hate improvised explosive devices or something.

I should have done everything that I could have to stay away from animals. Instead, I went to the pet store. I picked up all the baby guinea pigs and thought about buying a friend for Wiggy. I held the bunnies and giggled at the fur growing between their toes. I even picked up the ferrets. I love ferrets, but I hate the way they smell. I wish that I was cute and funny enough that people would forget about how badly I can smell when I'm not properly groomed.

I exercised self control. Instead of buying a guinea pig or a bunny or a ferret, I purchased a cat leash and bird seed. I knew that the leash wasn't a good decision, but I couldn't resist. The cat in the photo on the package, was so damn cute. He was happy and proud of himself and he had such love in his eyes for his owner. I thought, "yes, that could be Hissy and me," and so I bought it. Hissy didn't appreciate the gesture. After losing most of the flesh on my hands and my entire left eyelid, I decided to return the leash. I am happy that the pet store accepts returns, even when they are covered in blood.

After a blood transfuion, I went to feed the ducks. Spending time with my ducks always makes me feel like a good person. They don't judge me. They don't care who I bring with me to feed them or if I come alone. They don't care if I dump out all the food away and walk away or if I stay or awhile and fawn over them. They never expect me to call in the morning. I like that about ducks.

When I got to the pond, the ducks were chasing each other. They were playing a version of duck tag that seemed to end in some kind of mounting game. Although, it looked like fun, I yelled. I waved my arms. I whistled. The ducks ignored me and humped in the mud. I shook the bag of seed. The ducks came running over. They smelled of sex and pond scum.

I guess I should have known that ducks have sex. I wasn't ready to see it.

Duck sex is not exactly romantic. It's mostly like eating a beakful of food and then chasing after the first chick you see. I have taught them nothing about dating. Sometimes, other ducks watch. They let people watch. No vodka. Two on one. No lube. Ducks, quite simply, do not care.

I gave them my blessing.

Then, I spent the rest of Sunday searching the internet for duck sex. If my computer is seized by the authorities anytime soon, I will probably be busted for animal porn.

Still, I can't hate on anyone having fun.

Go get 'em, chicks.

Mist 1


82 Comments:

At 12:07 AM, Blogger Kevin said...

So, I bet the phrase "Go fuck a duck!" will have new meaning for you now.

 
At 12:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha ha...duck sex. I knew it would be worth waiting all weekend for your post!

 
At 12:46 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

You're gonna be a gandma! Or would you prefer to be called "Aunty Mist"

The way I see it, those ducks have the right idea about sex. Go for it, who cares who sees and what is or isn't socially acceptable?

 
At 2:02 AM, Blogger ShadowFalcon said...

Worse then ducks are geese! Its something no one should have to see

 
At 2:33 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I like to go down to the pond and watch them and masturbate.

 
At 2:49 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

improvised explosive devices? I had no idea you knew my old neighbour.

 
At 3:39 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

I like crispy peking duck and pancakes!

 
At 3:59 AM, Blogger historymike said...

I'll bet someone nearby has a diffuser that dispenses duck pheromones, and thus those ducks have been artificially hornificated.

 
At 4:18 AM, Blogger Uncivil said...

Duck sex! That's funny, cause I was googling spider sex on the internet this weekend. Spider sex just seems no fun at all, especially for the male.
Now about that duck sex.
I had a friend who used to have duck sex. No, no....not with a duck, he used to fill the sink up with water and put his girlfriends head underwater during the act. He would let her up to breath occasionally.
It's good to be the male during duck sex, a heck of a lot safer than spider sex! Just ask Diesel! Te he he!

 
At 4:43 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

They can't even get good birth control because duck doctors are a bunch of quacks.

 
At 4:53 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

living on a golf course all winter i have the opportunity to see ducks all the time. there are lots of ponds and stuff that they seem to like. the thing i like best about them is the little ones in a line behind the mama. so cute. my kids never did that, they went hither and yon, no matter how hard i tried to get them to follow me in a line. brats...

smiles, bee

 
At 4:55 AM, Blogger spoon said...

I feel dirty just reading this. Did you mean to say pond scum, 'cause i read Pond's Cum...?

 
At 5:24 AM, Anonymous token said...

We need to take you to a farm, girlie. You need to see way more animal sex...

 
At 6:09 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Does Daisy Duck have Duck Sex or Daffy Sex?

 
At 6:20 AM, Blogger Paula D. said...

Haaaaa!

 
At 6:41 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

O.M.G. I witnessed duck sex this weekend, too. It turns out if you try to stop 4 male ducks from gang-banging the girl duck, they all head for the water, where they will nearly drown the girl duck trying to gang-bang her in the water.

I am scarred for life.

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger CS said...

Those duck ruckuses are a little disturbing. There has ot be a better way.

 
At 6:47 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kevin,

Sick my duck will also have new meaning.

anon,

I'm glad that you are as aroused by this topic as I am.

phishez,

I am not going to be a grandma. I am not ready for grandma shoes.

shadow,

The gees have some decency. I haven't seen them doing it.

choo,

I have people everywhere.

akelamalu,

Me too. Don't tell the ducks.

mike,

I'm going to get one of those diffusers. Then, I'm going to sell the eggs and retire.

uncivil,

Suddenly, duck sex doesn't sound all that great. No dunking my head under water. I prefer not to muss up my hair in the act.

av,

The ducks are on birth control. I've got great insurance. They're on the shot. Ducko Provera.

bee,

Did your neighbors throw bread crumbs at you and the kids?

spoon,

Take it however you like.

token,

I watch plenty of porn. There is no need for me to see the actual outdoors.

nwjr,

It depends on her mood.

paula,

That's sort of the noise they make.

wg,

That's exactly what happened. I'm glad my ducks aren't abnormal.

cs,

I'm thinking about teaching them about romance. First, I will have to figure out what it is for myself.

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger Tera said...

Hissy has a bad temper...he should be punished. My my, you must love him, because if my pet were to do anything like that to me, he would mysteriously end up as roadkill!

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger essa said...

Well, at first, I thought, "Why is this crazy smoking catnip?" Then, after finishing the post, I've decided I need the number of your dealer.

 
At 7:00 AM, Blogger essa said...

"hornificated"... HA! I nearly peed.

 
At 7:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tera,

I am in an abusive relationship with him. I want to leave him, but I am scared to go. If you hear hissing late at night, please, just don't ask me what it was.

essa,

I've got a cat nanny who grows his own. I'll hook you up for free the first time. And hornificated is an excellent word.

 
At 7:07 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Yeah, but isn't there a big bill?

 
At 7:19 AM, Anonymous archie said...

I was going to make a wise and witty comment here - But I saw "hornificated". I am so stealing this word. So no comment from me today. I'm not even here. I'm out stuffing turkeys.

 
At 7:24 AM, Blogger Laurie said...

Were they playing duck, duck, gray duck? ;)

 
At 7:34 AM, Blogger His Sinfulness said...

It makes sense that your ducks are rough and rowdy at sex - they are extremely gifted in the penis category.

I wish mine was shaped like a corkscrew...

 
At 7:38 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

the key to duck fucking is all in the male getting the female convinced that he'll help walk the ducklings acorss roads, even the busy ones to get into her duck pants

 
At 7:47 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

Some day, some time, in some future, you might run into ant eaters. Those? Stay away from. Please. I beg you. Believe me.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Funny, this past weekend I overheard two bar flies talk about how much they like to duck sick.

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

We fed the ducks this weekend, too... and OUR ducks are getting very aggressive.

They need to connect with YOUR ducks to release some of their pent up sexual tension.

Duck porn... that's hot.

 
At 7:59 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Well, after reading this, my appetite isn't quite what it was. Now I won't be able to cook Turducken tonight. That duckin' sucks.

If Disney ever brings backs their nature/animal show, I'm nominating you for host.

 
At 8:12 AM, Blogger fringes said...

So much for family day at the park...

 
At 8:26 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

When the loving wife and I go out to dinner, I always ask her if she wants some duck sausage. She'll say sure and I'll say, "Well duck under the table and get you some.

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

Do you think that ducks may be the new Jenna Jameson?

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

Damn. I hate it when you're this much better than I am.

archie,

I've had my turkey stuffed.

laurie,

Hey! I thought I was the only person who played duck, duck, gray duck. Everyone else plays duck, duck, goose. Where are you from?

his sin,

I wish yours was shaped like that too.

furious,

That only applies to chickens.

booda,

I wouldn't know an ant eater from a possum.

nolff,

Who doesn't like to duck sick?

alicia,

I'm not pimping out my ducks. How much are you paying?

michael,

Turducken is just wrong. It's not okay to shove animals up inside of one another.

fringes,

It's never family day when I'm in attendance.

blitz,

You are a charmer. I bet you have to pay the bill, don't you?

q of d,

No, they were pretty plump.

 
At 9:05 AM, Blogger maximo said...

oh av, that's just daffy.

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger brookelina said...

If I had a dime for every time I've smelled the scent of sex and pond scum...

 
At 9:11 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

It has SUDDENLY become clear?

Mist, didn't you kill a hampster and molest a lizard or something already last year??

 
At 9:24 AM, Blogger Tera said...

Your secret is safe with me "Luka"

 
At 9:25 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Well heck Mist, when you put it that way...OK, no Turducken. Is Cordon Bleu still acceptible.

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

Really, the ducks don't seem any less romantic than most of they guys I've dated lately...no foreplay...no drinks...

 
At 10:18 AM, Blogger Susan said...

Now I want to see duck porn. Thanks for starting a new addiction for me.

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger Tug said...

They smelled of sex and pond scum

Are you sure you weren't at the bar?

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I once dated a guy who had a farm with chickens. Chicken sex was over so fast I wasn't sure what I'd seen.

Then I realized where my friend learned about love.

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maximo,

Av is on a roll today.

brooke,

How much would you have in total?

britt,

Why are you always bringing up the past?

tera,

Thanks. I knew I could trust you.

michael,

Cordon Bleu is approved.

p of u,

Drinks are foreplay.

susan,

Clear your internet history.

tug,

I did get goosed. Maybe I was at the bar.

hearts,

That is so sweet. I am staying clear of farms and farmers.

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

my cat loves going out on his leash. ESPECIALLY when the ducks are having sex in the back yard. :)

 
At 11:26 AM, Anonymous Misstressm said...

Just think in no time your pond is going to have cute and fuzzy little chicks. Maybe you can adopt one and just maybe Hissy will be happy because he now has a friend.

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger Superstar said...

DUCK SEX!?!?!?!
Forget the "get a hobby" lets talk about the hobbies you currently have!

WHOOO HOOOT!

I find that a regular dose of antidepressants and vodka do the trick.
~tips back Xantini~
Kepps the voices in my head QUIET!!!
*giggles*
I'll vouch for you at the SVU Unit when your computer gets taken! LOL ;)
OH interesting fact...Beastiality is ok in some states, as long as you have the permission of the owner...sick?!?!?!
I think so...

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger ~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

Duck porn huh? Sounds like an interesting, ah, hobby.

To each her own I suppose.

 
At 11:59 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

I should have coerced Hissy with the promise of duck sex.

misstress,

I can't wait for the babies. This summer, I won't be raising them indoors.

super,

For the life of me, I can't figure out what my hobbies are. Pretty much everything I do ends up being an obsession and therefore not a hobby.

silver,

I didn't film it or anything.

 
At 12:29 PM, Anonymous perry said...

Putting a cat on a leash is probably the funniest thing I've ever seen. Especially when they try to run up the stairs to get away.

 
At 12:30 PM, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

I always thought that duck sex was more like a gang bang. The female is always chased by about 4 males.

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

perry,

He flopped around like a fish until he blacked out. I dragged him back inside so that the neighbors would think he was just really good on a leash and not unconscious.

 
At 12:33 PM, Blogger paz y amor said...

"Sex and pond scum" That must be the duck version of badussy? Ewww.

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

Oh, don't go getting all down on me and feeling like you're under water. We're the same, you and me, and birds of a feather flock together.


Ok, I'm spent.

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Lobster tails sutffed with crab meat??

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

paz,

You know the smell I'm talking about. It's like when you're in college and living in the dorms and you walk in on your roommate and the guy who works in the little deli on campus.

av,

I was sure that you were going to come back with something about "fowl." Please, don't give up now.

michael,

Definitely not Kosher, but certainly sounds tasty.

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger karma lennon said...

Wow, the ducks where you live are pornographic and the ducks where I live have formed a mafia of sorts. Ducks have interesting lives.

 
At 1:20 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

karma,

Your ducks intimidate me.

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Twice baked stuffed potato? Oh wait a minute, that's a vegeta....
never mind. Sorry.

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger othurme said...

Mist. You are a trend setter. I think there will be a new fetish booth at the Folsom Street Fair this year. Duckers. Guys in flippers, assless chaps, and cupid wings are going to be running all over the streets of San Francisco this year.

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger Comedy + said...

You are so easily entertained. Watching ducks f**k sounds grand. Well, maybe not. Pretty violent too, but you probably like that as well. You are a very sick, funny woman! Hope you are healing up okay. :)

 
At 2:43 PM, Blogger Nance said...

Ducks are not very evolved. The female never gets to be on top.

 
At 3:21 PM, Blogger MXI said...

Even the frickin' ducks are getting more than me!
You don't have to buy them drinks, you say?

 
At 4:06 PM, Blogger kat said...

Hahhaa.. I've never watched ducks doing it. I've seen dogs doing it though and that's pretty hilarious.

 
At 4:46 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

I think your computer is safe unless you yourself start having sex with the duck...use the terms "Mating Rituals with Ducks" or something like that in google....not "Porno for Duckos" not so good.

 
At 5:39 PM, Blogger paz y amor said...

Sorry, never had that experience (thankfully!). Although I did walk in on my roomie jackin' off, and if I remember correctly, I think the room did have a bit of a bologna d' pond foul smell to it!

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger velvet girl said...

I've seen duck sex. It reminded me of some guys that I've known but didn't want to remember.

 
At 6:46 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

I thought that making another yolk would indeed be fowl. But I goose not.

 
At 8:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Potatoes do not prefer to be twice baked or stuffed.

othur,

I hope they at least credit me with starting the trend.

comedy,

I could use some new skin.

nance,

I am very evolved.

mxi,

Just bring seed.

kat,

A dog did my leg. Hilarious.

nofear,

Thanks for leaving the search terms here.

paz,

I never did care for bologna.

velvet,

I know some of those guys.

av,

I knew you'd come through at least one more time.

 
At 8:13 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Potatoes don't like that? Well, that ducks! Has that already been used?

 
At 8:55 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

I kind of got hung up on what your favorite hair product might be and what company stopped making it.

And then there was something about duckies, right?

 
At 9:12 PM, Blogger jos said...

duck sex? now that's something i havent seen before.

there's a couple of chickens in my backyard. maybe i should watch and see if it's any different from duck sex.

 
At 9:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Tarred and feathered. You and Av.

jocelyn,

Aveda. Elixir. I may never leave the house again.

jos,

You have a camera, don't you? Let's trade notes.

 
At 12:09 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

I worry more about granny panties!

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

phishez,

Let's never speak of those again.

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

i can't say that i've been privy to the sight of a duck orgy.

thank goodness for small blessings. ;)

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiyotoe,

Come on over. They're probably doing it right now.

 
At 6:36 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

What the heck?!? This is, believe it or not, the second duck sex tidbit I've read in the past week! Is it the year of the duck sex?

 
At 8:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

I feel better knowing that all the ducks are having sex.

 
At 6:45 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Yeah, I tried the leash thing with Mitzi Sparkle. It wasn't pretty. But it was painful - for her dignity and my ankles.

Puss

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

Why do we do this? You knew it wasn't going to work out from the beginning, didn't you?

 

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