To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Sponsorship


This post is for a good cause.

I know that the people who read and comment here are philanthropic. You share with me every day in your comments and with your words of encouragement, and your LOLs. Today, I am asking you to help out a blogger who used to read my blog. I am certain that if we all pull together, we can make a change in one man's life. Together, we are powerful. We can make a difference.

Recently I got the following email from this man:

Several weeks ago I suggested that we meet up on my way from [state]. That was wrong, dead wrong. I'm firmly and deeply in love with another woman, the love of my life, and even just having conversations like we did was totally wrong. To do otherwise would totally destroy whatever trust she has left in her, and that would devastate us both.
I can never have any further contact with you either through our blogs or any other means.

I responded politely and told him that I was weirded out by his email and wished him the best of luck in his relationship with the love of his life. Then, I got an email from the love of his life. Please see segment of her email below:

...in order to believe him I asked him to write that email to you and to everyone else he had such conversations with, so if you're truly "weirded out" and your intentions were also innocent, I apologize for causing you concern. I just wanted to assure you that he's not a weirdo, and that he wrote that email at my urging.


And that's how I found out this poor man's plight. Apparently the love of his life has removed his testicles and is holding them hostage. My sources tell me that they are in a jar in her Curio cabinet. This is a crime against humanity and should not be allowed to continue in this day and age. This is the United States of America. How can we turn our backs and pretend not to see such heinous acts of cruelty? Not on my watch, I say.

Won't you consider joining Save the Testicles, Inc. and me in our campaign to retrieve this poor man's balls from a terrible fate? Your contribution will not only go to rescue this man's nuts, but will support thousands of emasculated men worldwide. You may even know a man who is living a life without possession of his own testicles. The National Association for Ball Reclamation states that in 2006 four out of every 12 testicles may be in this situation. That is like a third of all men unless some of them only had one testicle to start with, so really, it could be anyone's guess. Experts at Save the Testicles, Inc. feel that this figure is a gross underestimate.

Fortunately, men like this are not without help. That's where you come in. Your donation will support a Testicular Reconnaissance Force comprised of volunteers who will take back entrapped balls, by force if necessary. Your contributions don't stop there, education and awareness are a cornerstone of Save the Testicles, and our efforts have brought bright futures to testicles in countries like Malawi and Iowa.

Please, take a moment and show your support by becoming a nut sponsor. Every time someone becomes a sponsor, two balls are forever changed. With your monthly contribution (less than the cost of a cup of coffee), you will receive regular letters and photos from your sponsored testicles. The special relationship that you can develop with your sponsored balls is something that you and your balls will cherish forever.

Mist 1

PS: I wish the happy couple all the best. I give it a year.


182 Comments:

At 9:28 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Uhhhhh, ummmmmm, wow. I just gave at the office. Ok, now that just didn't sound right, dangit.

 
At 9:31 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Chick oughta just get the pair bronzed and wear 'em as earrings.

Tain't right. Does she want to be his wife or his babysitter?

 
At 9:46 PM, Blogger Todd said...

Wow. I thought I had it bad before, but now I feel a lot better! My Fiancee doesn't even read the comments on my site, let alone check my email!

You just made my night :)

 
At 9:48 PM, Blogger VegasGirl said...

LMAO! Oh my goodness!! that poor guy. I hope he has done something seriously wrong in the past to deserve that kind of babysitting. hehe.

 
At 10:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Thousands of balls were depending on you.

123,

You said taint. That word makes me laugh.

todd,

What's her email address? I just want to make sure it wasn't her.

vegas,

Whatever it was, it was bad. You should have seen her last post.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 10:06 PM, Blogger Lizza said...

But do the ball reclamation people and similar groups have all the logistics in place? Do they return the testicles to their rightful owners, making sure there's no mix-up? And can they restore pickled testicles to their original state?

 
At 10:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lizza,

All of this information is public knowledge. You are free to inspect the balls at any time.

 
At 10:33 PM, Blogger EE said...

I'll sponsor half a nut.

 
At 10:36 PM, Blogger Lyze said...

I do believe that was your finest work yet.

Brilliant.

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger othurme said...

We should have a nut-a-thon.

 
At 11:52 PM, Anonymous hedgehog said...

Some of us start with extra nuts in case someone wants to hold one or more hostage. I recommend it. It also helps with various drinking games.

 
At 11:52 PM, Blogger ShadowFalcon said...

I don't know there are a mulitude of men out there who have testicles but are missing their balls and they seem to get on just fine...

 
At 12:07 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

I can't afford a contribution. Is there any other way that I can support the NABR?

Or should I begin my own campaign to show nuts just how loved and cherished they are?

One more thing - can I still laugh at them? Cuz they look fucking ridiculous!

 
At 12:12 AM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

I am a very lucky man. Thank you Save the Testicles. Without your support, I would be less than half the man I am today.

 
At 12:43 AM, Blogger The Muser said...

I would only send in money to Save the Testicles, Inc. if they could guarantee that they could send me my ex-boyfriend/fiance's testicles. I would be happy to provide an address where they can be collected.

 
At 2:44 AM, Blogger Love Monkey said...

that woman has no pride. you never speak to the other woman. you simply put the required postage on the guy and mail him to her house.

not sure who gets custody of the testicles in this case though...

 
At 3:05 AM, Blogger doctor chip said...

you know, Adolph Hitler
only had one ball.

B-\

------

 
At 3:07 AM, Blogger mime fuhrer said...

THAT'S A LIE!

 
At 3:29 AM, Anonymous token said...

OMG, the hilarity!

 
At 3:29 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

If possible, I would like to become the treasurer of the charity and spend my time creating accounting irregularities.

I know a good thing when I see it.

 
At 3:38 AM, Anonymous tom said...

Until I heard I was gonna get regular letters and photos from my sponsored testicles I was right there with you,,,but that's, that's just NUTS

 
At 3:38 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

Sorry I'm alergic to nuts!

 
At 3:41 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I keep losing mine to people who just want to "borrow them for a sec". Do I qualify for assistance, too?

 
At 3:47 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

I refuse to participate, am too freaked out about the whole thing.

 
At 4:02 AM, Blogger golfwidow said...

Can't I just buy sparkly earrings and claim I contributed to a pair of family jewels?

 
At 4:22 AM, Blogger heather said...

mistm you know i love you but i'm afraid i'm gonna sit this one out. see, while i allow j to keep his balls, his penis is mine. how long before some of the more militant members of save the testicles inc. decide to splinter off and save the dicks too??? i wish you well but won't be donating at this time.

 
At 4:24 AM, Blogger heather said...

ps, thank you for not offering to send a picture of nuts in need along with the welcome package.;-)

 
At 4:41 AM, Blogger Meloncutter said...

Alas, my little buddies have been missing in action for 27 years now. The may have been left behind during one of our various moves or they may have just been lost in the fire. I don't know. My spouse had a pair that looked suspiciously like mine among the 30 or 40 pairs that she possessed when we got married. But I am now used to having no balls now. I grew out of the stage of testicle withdrawl many years ago.

I would not now know how to act if I had them.

I shall support you in my mind and heart. Since I have no balls due to a spouse, I also have no money due to a spouse.

Later Y'all

 
At 5:09 AM, Blogger Peter DeWolf said...

Wow. That is amazing.

It does make me wonder, however, about how many of these e-mails he had to send out to female bloggers?

Did her e-mail make you feel a little less special?

 
At 5:29 AM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

well join the crowd. I get hate mail as this all the f-ing time. In real life and online.

 
At 5:34 AM, Blogger Constance said...

It always surprises me when I hear a girlfriend lay claim to balls. I think that, were I a man, that would cause me some distress. Maybe we should just release the balls? Then, with a herd of free-range balls, men would be able to hunt down a new pair and reclaim some level of masculinity.

 
At 5:35 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Good God, if the Sigo did this to me, I'd email every person whose blog I've been to , whoever had ever read mine, and probably go purchase an email spam list so I could send them all an email about how WHACKED she is and please, no more cybersex, because the Whacked One has MAJOR control issues.
Let the beeeotch track all those addresses down.

 
At 5:35 AM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

Seriously, there are men out there who email women who post on line anonymously, believing they will meet? He deserves to have a dominatrix like he does.

 
At 5:57 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Despite my complete and utter lack of a witty comment, I do need to say that this post was brilliantly genius and even geniusly brilliant...take your pick.

 
At 6:25 AM, Blogger Laurie said...

I love how Iowa is classified as its own country. It truly is a place all of its own!

 
At 6:33 AM, Blogger My Reflecting Pool said...

I would love to help, really I would. It's just that I have Poor Bills testes in my own jar. It would seem too hypocritical of me to participate.

 
At 6:41 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I work with many "men" who are members of this club. I have attempted many times to get them to grow a pair to replace those the wife has stolen.

Seems they just like having a high voice.

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger Tera said...

I guess "sometimes you feel like a nut...sometimes you don't!"

 
At 6:46 AM, Blogger WNG said...

Sorry, but I think 'use it or lose it' applies here. If these men acted like they had a pair then they probably still would. Balls can only be given away...

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

ee,

Thank you for making a difference in the life of one horribly disfigured man.

lyze,

I had to rest after I wrote that.

othur,

I'm all about a nut-a-thon. What will I wear?

hedgehog,

I have been called extra nuts before.

shadow,

Inside they are hurting.

phishez,

There are many other ways that you can show your support. Just spending some of your precious time with nuts can make all the difference.

arthur,

Thank you for your testimonial.

muser,

For requests like this, we will need a sizable contribution. We will also prominently display your name on the nuts that you rescue.

monkey,

I would hate to see his balls tied up in an ugly custody battle.

chip,

If someone had contributed to saving his nut, things might have turned out differently for him.

mime,

No. Everything I write is almost entirely true. Sort of.

token,

So, can I count on your support?

fab,

We are always looking for volunteers for the board of directors.

tom,

You will also get artwork that they have created.

akelamalu,

There's nothing we can do to help you with that. I'm sorry to hear about your allergy. Nuts are great.

av,

Please fill out the application in triplicate.

es,

Many nuts will suffer due to your refusal. How can you sleep at night?

golf,

I'm not a tax attorney. I'm sorry, you'll have to take that up with your financial manager and the IRS.

heather,

I can respect that.

melon,

Thank you for sharing. The Recon Force is coming for your balls.

peter,

Very few things make me feel less special. My sense of specialness is a medical problem.

stilt,

Hate mail makes me feel loved. I'll be checking my inbox in a moment.

constance,

I want to hear you shout, "Release the balls!" That would make me laugh and laugh right now.

michael,

You know, that's pretty much what she did. She read all the comments that he had left on blogs for several months. Even from the time before they met.

gucci,

Yes, Honey. That's what people do. Would you like to meet me?

michael,

In the spirit of balls, I would like to pick both of them.

laurie,

Traveling in Iowa is pretty easy. The language and currency are remarkably similar.

pool,

We can help you overcome this. Try letting his balls out just for 30 minutes a day.

blitz,

Contrary to popular belief, you cannot regrow balls. You have to take them back.

tera,

I pretty much always feel like a nut.

wng,

Go ahead, victimize the victims.

 
At 6:54 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

This affliction affects millions of men worldwide. They forget what channel ESPN is located, they turn on the TV and go right to Lifetime or HGTV, their honey-do list is their only means of knowing what they will be up to on the weekends, they have to tell their softball teammates they can't play this year because it interferes with their significant other's "me time", they get no sex.

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger Kara said...

Wow, that is one insecure controlling woman. My hubby gets to keep his balls, though I usually keep one firmly in hand ;) hehehe

 
At 7:06 AM, Blogger Peter DeWolf said...

"Very few things make me feel less special. My sense of specialness is a medical problem."

Ha! Lady, you and me both.

 
At 7:07 AM, Blogger Susan said...

The check's in the mail. Men minus balls terrify me.

 
At 7:26 AM, Blogger Tug said...

I don't have any spare change, but I'd be willing to fondle some from time to time to massage their ego. Can I keep them on my desk just to let the "boss" on his toes?

 
At 7:35 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Perhaps he can borrow yours. Because you've obviously got a pair girl!

(also, I might be convinced to loan Avi's out on occasion...)

 
At 7:35 AM, Blogger Dazd said...

He needs to be thankful that she doesn't keep them in a freezer...and then come home one day and she sold the freezer and all of its contents.

Not that I know anything about that, mind you, just something I've heard.

 
At 7:36 AM, Blogger His Sinfulness said...

I think I lost Lefty in the Hiroshima-style cataclysm at the end of my marriage - either that, or he went home in the backpack of that redhead at Burning Man... At any rate, I miss him sometimes; he hung lower.

Since then, Righty and I have a pact. I promise to never let anyone take him away, even just for a visit, and he promises to never produce any viable semen.

 
At 7:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

furious,

What's ESPN?

kara,

That's perfectly acceptable.

peter,

It's treatable, but I prefer to feel this way. Do you have the grandiose sense of self to go along with your specialness? I do. Or can you tell already?

susan,

Mimes terrify me.

tug,

Fondling is okay, but if you're going to keep them on your desk, I must insist that they are not caged. We support free-range balls.

britt,

He can't borrow mine. They go perfectly with my purse today.

dazd,

Who would keep anything besides ice and vodka in the freezer? That's crazy.

his sin,

If only more men had anti semen trusts with their balls. You are a role model.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger maximo said...

hey mist... i've been meaning to ask... would you consider a threeway? no strings attached.

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

No. It's do-gooding gone bad. She didn't take the testicles. He gave them willingly and even eagerly. I will give money when the cause goes to the source. I don't know what that is, but the Testicular Sacrificing is just a symptom.

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger Claudia said...

Free the cojones! Sounds like hers were bigger than his!

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger MXI said...

Having recently rescued my "boys" through divorce I know how bad this affliction can be, however I have no interest in anyone's balls but mine. Although I am available for boob inspection 7 nights a week.

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger Pie said...

I would make a donation but my wife has taken control of my credit card and bank account. Gotta go before she sees me on the computer...

 
At 8:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maximo,

I had a threeway phone call this morning.

booda,

You can steer the research committee.

claudia,

Personally, I didn't think she wore them all that well.

mxi,

Why? What's wrong with your boobs?

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

pie,

Just leave the credit card where I can find it. I will make sure that your donation goes to a good cause.

 
At 8:22 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

My balls aren't encased in a mason jar but they are up for sponsorship.

 
At 8:26 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

slick,

You will have to go through the application process, just like everyone else.

 
At 8:28 AM, Blogger Ms. Mamma said...

I say what's gone is gone. Maybe money and time is better spent teaching and forming a "Ball Awareness Task Force".

 
At 8:37 AM, Anonymous themuttprincess said...

I am all for men having balls.

I would hate for them to ALL become pussies.

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger othurme said...

Mist - to a nut-a-thon, the appropriate attire is the most stunning but least comfortable shoes you can find and a bib. That's all.

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

ms. mamma,

I imagine that the Task Force will be a grassroots effort. I volunteer to go bar to bar every weekend to spread ball awareness.

mutt,

That's why I do this kind of work.

othur,

OMG! I have nothing to wear. I've got to go bib shopping.

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger Susan said...

The only thing worse than a mime is a ball-less mime.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

susan,

Do mime balls make noise when they slap against you?

 
At 9:04 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Yep, this sounds right. I'll pass on the sponsorship part. If a guy can't take care of his own balls, it's just not my problem.

You are giving this relationship a year...I think six months is closer. Okay Mist, what woman wants a guy without balls? Hello!

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

comedy,

Let's start a pool. I'll put you down for six months.

 
At 9:19 AM, Blogger Faz the Cat said...

Dear Mist, this is why we love you, always thinking of others. FAZ
p.s. I personally think it's probably best, once removed, not to return them but each to their own.

 
At 9:34 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

faz,

I am a deeply giving and caring person. I'm usually too humble to admit it.

 
At 9:45 AM, Blogger Pookie Sixx said...

If we join, do we get one of those magnetic car ribbons? I think it should have the logo on it.

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

What a great post! I had such a ball reading it; I was laughing like such a nut! Then I kind of felt guilty, and when I was done feeling cocky, I was just being a dick. In the end, I felt sorry for this guy, who's clearly getting the shaft.

 
At 9:52 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

I didn't take Chris' testicles hostage when we met. I claimed them with a branding iron so he is reminded who's boss every time he scratches them.

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

lol...you are wrong for that. See what you did, you're unknowingly tearing happy homes apart all over the country with your sexy, witty, hysterical banter.

poor testicle-less dude.

 
At 10:01 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

pookie,

What color is the ribbon for free balls?

nwjr,

Do you think I was too Hard On them?

alicia,

In some cultures, branding is a sign of beauty.

kiyotoe,

I used to be a mean girl. These two almost brought me out of retirement.

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger Lee said...

I know a guy like this...actually I know a couple guys like this. If you give them their balls back, they'll give them to someone else. Some men are terribly uncomfortable with having balls. It's like that game Hot Potato, but Hot Balls.

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Wow, the unfortunate bastard. Sounds like she's got them in a vice, not a jar.

He probably gives it only a year, too, but I'll bet she makes sure it's for life.

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

Hot balls sounds like a Milton Bradley game.

velvet,

I have lots of vices. So far, I don't think I'm pinching any nuts in them.

 
At 10:36 AM, Anonymous themuttprincess said...

Thank you for your giving nature.

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger kat said...

This is totally and completely insane. You are so funny. I love this blog.

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger kat said...

This is totally and completely insane. You are so funny. I love this blog.

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mutt,

I am an agent for social change. Especially when it involves testicles.

kat,

This may be totally and completely insane, but the love of his life is totally and completely psychotic.

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger captain corky said...

It's funny that you wrote about this very subject today Mist, because I've been eyeballing you from across many blogs for the longest time... I just didn't know how to profess my love for you. I love you Mist 1. There I said it. I hope you're not to weirded out.

PS. God is forcing me to write this to you at gun point. I don't really mean any of it.

 
At 10:56 AM, Blogger Peter DeWolf said...

Do you have the grandiose sense of self to go along with your specialness? I do. Or can you tell already?

Well, I do find it shocking that you don't already know this -- and everything else -- about me.

And by "you," I mean EVERYBODY.

 
At 11:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

capt. corky,

The first rule of this blog is that we do not use the word love in terms of the author. Unless you are stating that you love my shoes. Which, is perfectly acceptable.

G*d does not use guns. G*d uses natural disasters and plagues and whatnot.

peter,

I couldn't have put it better myself. I think I resent that.

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

So his coming on to women online is a regular occurrence?

The guy is not only missing his balls, he has no brains either.

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

It seems that he left naughty comments for lots of ladies.

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger mojotek said...

I'm picturing her standing over him as he writes the email to you, correcting his grammar and punctuation. How in the hell did he not think while that was happening how much of a pussy he was turning into?

On the flip side though, I'm thinking there's some internet porn addiction, online dating rendezvous or some such that makes this woman so un-trusting.

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

What a eunich, oh I mean, unique story!

 
At 11:26 AM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

I'm weirded out just reading this post.

What's wrong with men these days?

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger Just A Girl said...

ha - I prefer to keep Al's nuts in my constant possession. I have a lovely travel case with a silk liner so that they don't sweat or itch.

 
At 11:33 AM, Blogger essa said...

Is it a nice curio cabinet? Lit and all? At least he can look at them daily.

 
At 11:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mojo,

I think it would be hot to stand over a man and correct his grammar. I would wear my highest heels and spank him every time she should have used a semi-colon.

wreck,

Well done.

curiosity,

What's wrong with women?

jag,

What color is the silk? It's not okay to keep nuts in a pink lined case.

essa,

I'm sure her taste is divine. It's probably lovely.

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger Ginamonster said...

Mist, I will gladly donate to this cause. I also have a friend who may not know he needs an application. And some therapy. He gives them away. I will also gladly sign up to be a counselor. This must be stopped.

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger Susan said...

I don't think mime balls can slap against you. They're kept in a little invisible box.

 
At 12:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

gina,

You are a saint.

susan,

That's tragic, but very funny.

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger fringes said...

Were you really planning on meeting that guy in the first place?

I have 1,000 other questions about the whole encounter, but I'd like you answer that one without distraction.

 
At 12:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

fringes,

The whole exchange was very G rated. I had no plans to meet him for nookie in a hotel bar.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger fringes said...

I knew it was just a meetup, not a hook-up. I just wanted to know if the plans were real or imagined on his part.

I think we should start a blog pool. Considering the apparent instability of both parties, I give them two months.

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

fringes,

I don't consider, "Hey, I'm going to be in your town in the next quarter" to be plans.

I'll put you down for two months.

 
At 12:57 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

Your kindness has me in tears.

 
At 12:58 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

I have to admitt that I have been asked when are my balls going to drop??...to my defence I really do not have any testicals (except for my boyfriend's), but sometimes I can be a little bitchy..no harm done right? However I would never cut off my boyfriends testicals, sure I might role them though my fingers ever so gently, I might lightly bush my finger across them, but I kinda like it that he is a strong man..and I kinda like his balls....
Sheesh... I wonder what it's like to be with a bal-less guy?? I hope I never find out...

 
At 1:03 PM, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

Hee Hee!!! You only give their relationship a year? Oh come on now - you know it will last longer than that. She obviously has him completely by the nuts so he won't EVER be able to get away.

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

alison,

I leave many people in tears. I think people are just overwhelmed by my caring spirit.

tellin,

I was with a ball-less guy once. His name was Ken. I don't know what that b*tch Barbie did to him before they went separate ways, but talk about emotional baggage.

karmyn,

So, you want in on the pool? I'll put you down for 18 months.

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger Superstar said...

OH
MY
GAWD!!!!

OK I heard that said e-mails are "fishing" for bank account info and are in fact "hustlers" from Africa looking to Seal your IDentity....HMMMMMM
~waves hand~
~covers the other eye~
That jar is just WRONG!
UGH*gulp*

 
At 1:20 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

super,

I love that the jar actually says Ball. That made me smile like an idiot.

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger CondoBlogger said...

And THAT is why I don't tell anyone in the "real world" about my blog.

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

condo,

You are a smart man. I thought Condo was your real first name.

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger jali said...

I'll save a ball...or two. What do I need to do?

 
At 2:34 PM, Blogger Uncivil said...

It's bad enough this guy lost his balls, but he probably wakes up every morning with a sore a$$ too. Cause I'm sure he's the one gettin bent over like a shotgun! She's probably got a strap-on with a wiffle bat mounted on it!

 
At 2:49 PM, Blogger Mystic Wing said...

My, you do lead an interesting life. But it is perhaps useful to know that this fellow had something different in mind before everybody got embarrassed.

For the record, a soy latte in my book is exactly that.

 
At 3:04 PM, Blogger othurme said...

So, Mist, next time I'm in town, I'll have a quarter. Whatta you say?

(Did I say that right?)

 
At 3:10 PM, Blogger melanie said...

balls make men ignorant and sassy... they are better off without them! :lol:

I may be a tough to get along with, but i would never stoop to making a man do that stupid shit! how degrading.

 
At 3:15 PM, Anonymous Misstressm said...

Poor bastard....I bet even if we got his bals back he still wouldnt know what to do with them. He might have to consult with her first. There is no hope for him.

 
At 3:16 PM, Anonymous misstressm said...

bals= balls

 
At 3:42 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

Before I make a donation, I have some questions:

Can I get a receipt? Is it tax deductible? Is this considered a "charitable contribution" on my taxes?

These are things I need to know before spending the money in my charitable contribution budget that is usually used when my shoe budget is exhausted. Please advise.

Sincerely,

The Legal Eagle

 
At 3:43 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

P.S. -- my shoe budget has been a little lean lately...do you think you can set up a fundraiser for that?

 
At 3:52 PM, Blogger Andy said...

For some reason, this post made me cross my legs out of pure instinct.

 
At 3:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jali,

Please, just do what you can.

ucivil,

I saw one of those. It vibrated.

mystic,

Everyone knows what a soy latte is code for.

othur,

Meet me at The Varsity.

melanie,

I'm sure he didn't feel a thing.

misstress,

It works much like the zoo. After being in captivity, the balls are given an acclimation period before they are released into the wild.

legal,

No worries. Your donation is going to a highly credible 501(c)3.

I will be right to work on your shoe benefit.

andy,

Good for you. Safety first.

 
At 4:07 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

He sounds like quite a bargain. I can see why the love of his life would work overtime to keep him "faithful."

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

The man needs help...in so many ways. But he must find his help from within himself...otherwise he will make the same mistake again.

 
At 4:29 PM, Blogger Sebastien said...

Damn! Can't believe this, it always makes me sad for guys like this... but ya know, ultimately, I don't offer them help, they can only find the means of salvation within themselves. That is the only way they will find the strengh, spirit, and courage to overcome a psycho bitch. Or alcohol, alcohol helps with strength of spirit too.

 
At 4:42 PM, Blogger Captain Smack said...

I guess I can spare a ball. Thank god I was born with three...

 
At 4:46 PM, Blogger othurme said...

The Varsity is a date I'm down for. And the food is phallic enough so that I don't have to make inappropriate suggestions, I can just wave my chili dog at you.

 
At 5:00 PM, Anonymous la cubana gringa said...

I bet you could get Jerry Lewis to abandon the muscular dystrophy telethons to help you in your great cause. I'd be happy to donate my surgical skills to help out with the testicle relocation program. Someone's gotta put these puppies back in!

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

If you only knew how charming he is. I snooped through his blog for further evidence of charm. I found it. Lots of it.

nofear,

That is so holistic of you.

seb,

I attribute my strength of spirit to alcohol.

capt. smack,

Please let me know the fair market value of your testicle for tax purposes.

othur,

Make it a slaw dog and we're on.

lcg,

I was sort of thinking that super glue would work, but I think your idea is much better.

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

a year? why, are YOU optimistic? ;) that is HYSTERICAL.

 
At 6:33 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

A year without testicles? Isn't that, like, seven people years?

 
At 6:49 PM, Blogger Sornie said...

Given the choice of being watched over or being lonely forever, I would choose a life of solitude. My balls are my balls, we belong together.

 
At 6:53 PM, Blogger ~Tim said...

On average, everyone has one testicle. I guess you could say I'm holding my own....

 
At 7:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

I give everyone a year. I don't give anyone wedding gifts.

crank,

I don't know the half life of a testicle. I've never been with one that long.

sornie,

How can you be lonely with balls?

tim,

I think I'm going to argue with you on this one. I certainly don't have one testicle. At least, not tonight.

 
At 7:31 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I have to make an SNL Schweaty Balls reference here. I can't believe it just now occurred to me. I think you just topped the 130 comment mark...wow!

 
At 8:52 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I only vaguely remember the Schweaty Balls. Refresh my memory.

 
At 8:57 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Picture NPR radio and they (are interviewing Alec Baldwin, who has recently in my mind become the King of subtle comedy. Did that help?

Oh heck, try this ;-)
http://thetravisty.com/Saturday_Night_Live/wmv/Schweaty_Balls_(Alec_Baldwin).htm

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger Captain Smack said...

"Please let me know the fair market value of your testicle for tax purposes."

Oh, I don't think it's worth that much, as it has quite a bit of mileage on it. Although I do wax it very regularly.

 
At 11:52 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Could you email me his URL? I'd love to check it out.

 
At 3:12 AM, Blogger Fiona said...

Hell Mist 1, I just want to know what "such conversations with" you were having - go on, give us a peek ;)

If you're going to point hearts in his direction, may I follow her, I'd love to see your definition of 'charm'!

"Whatever trust she has left in her" sounds like that woman needs to run, not walk, from this guy.

 
At 6:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Thanks. Good ol' Alec.

capt. smack,

It may not be worth much to you, but it means the world to someone in need of a nut.

hearts,

I'd be happy to. I'll even send you that of the love of his life.

fiona,

Seriously, they were entirely rated G, although he did use the word throttle once. I'm not sure what he meant by that, but it sounds scandalous.

 
At 7:27 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Your are welcome.

PAULY SHORE
PAULY SHORE
PAULY SHORE
PAULY SHORE

sorry, couldn't resist. Are you redirecting your hatred yet? No, not towards me ;-)

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I only have so much daily hate to give. Now if the group would get behind you and focus on Mr. Shore, I might be able to muster the strength.

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Well, I could rally the troops at work. It would be nice to have them hate someone other than me for a change. Have a great day.

 
At 9:01 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Variety is the key to keeping hate fresh.

 
At 10:31 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

It's almost like we can achieve some form of peace through hate.

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

What are you smoking?

 
At 10:56 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

It sounded clever at the time. Maybe clever isn't my thing. And I hit my head on something this morning.

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

It's okay. I was dropped as a baby.

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

I guess I could always blame it on the extreme oxygen deprivation I experienced as a baby. I use that here at work all the time.

I think we might just get you to 150 comments...

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

There you go, throwing out the extreme oxygen deprivation card again.

It's not fair.

Once, I held my breath until I almost turned blue.

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Sorry, I really don't have that many cards to throw out so I gotta go with I got. I turned blue once, then spent the next 6 months in and out of the hospital. Sorry, I should not have thrown that card either...I'll play fair.
;-)

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Once, I wore blue lipstick. I am ashamed to admit it.

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger Leese said...

Yes, I would like to know how much it costs to become a Gold Ball Level contributor. I don't think I can afford the Blue Ball Level at this time. Maybe my next paycheck.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Wow, blue lipstick? What the heck was the occasion? That's a card I would have held close to my vest. I once tried to comb my hair like Mr. Spock, if that makes you feel better...which it most definitely should.

This should put you at 150 comments...Wow! That's about 10 times my daily count...
;-)

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

leese,

We'd love to have you in our Blue Ball circle, but I understand that the price of gas has cut into everyone's charitable giving.

 
At 12:50 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

A dated a man who called me the Ice Queen due to my tiny little hardened heart. I went to his bar dressed like an icicle. It required blue lipstick.

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

You rock! Will you be doing green for the Grinch anytime soon? I'm still waiting to see my cardiologist about the possibility of a heart growing in one day. There aren't too many big hearted costumes I can think of. Well, there's Mother Theresa, but I don't want to experience the wrath of the church by dressing as her. Though I don't believe she wore much lipstick.

Oh yeah, thanks for signing up for my Carn-E-Vahl/beach party...

 
At 1:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

While I do look good in green, it's much too warm for fur this time of year.

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Honestly, I would have no clue about when fur is in or out. It's shorts year round for me. I was told I looked good in yellow once and promptly went out and purchased 5 yellow t-shirts...

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

...no one has told me I look good in yellow since.

 
At 7:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

You would look good in yellow fur shorts.

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Really? That's a whole angle I never thought of. I am worried about itching in hot weather though, but I guess I would be warm when it gets cooler. Hell, it could just be the perfect garment!! Do you think its fanciness would make it appropriate for work?

 
At 7:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Just make sure that they're lined.

 
At 7:29 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Oh, is that important? I was only aware of the importance of lining trash cans and stuff like that. Fur chaffing sounds like a terrible fate.

 
At 8:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Paper, clothing, and panties are frequently lined.

 
At 9:02 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

A little slower please, I'm taking notes.

 
At 2:45 AM, Blogger Woogie said...

Im with the "ain't worth much, too much mileage" comment..LoL's!

 
At 6:35 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Remind me to never, ever get on the wrong side of you.

BTW - there's only ever room for one pussy in a heterosexual relationship.

Puss

 
At 6:41 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I wish more people would take notes when I dispense my knowledge.

woogie,

That one killed me.

puss,

You're right. I should get rid of my cat.

 
At 7:23 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Well, maybe I'm just a little better at knowing talent when I see it. Did I tell you I discovered Jordan Sparks?

 
At 7:46 AM, Blogger Matt said...

I think once your woman starts making you sit to urinate, you've clearly lost the battle of the sexes.

Man, I have a supervisor at work; I don't need one at home.

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

How did her parents feel about that?

matt,

I dated a guy who sat to urinate. He also shaved his arms and legs. I found this out the hard way.

 
At 8:03 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Perhaps I have once again said something I should have kept to myself. I also discovered Clay Aiken, but stopped telling people that a long, long time ago.

 
At 8:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Can you discover me? I am practically bursting with untapped latent talent.

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Ok, I just finished looking up 'latent' in the dictionary and now feel I am qualified to respond to your comment...

Yeah, no kidding you've got talent! Seriously, why do you think hitting your blog is on my permanent daily to-do list or why I've left like 30 comments in the last few days!

When you hit the big time, just remember me. Although if I discover you, the 60% cut I take from your earnings will probably not let you forget me.

 
At 9:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

60%? Not even if we got married and divorced. No one gets 60%.

 
At 9:58 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Damn you drive a hard bargain....ok, 5% and you mention my name to the powers that be once daily. Final offer.
Thanks for the Hazzard info, btw.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I think the Hazzard info counts as 5%.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

I gotta stop thanking you for stuff!!

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

You can thank me if gifts if that would make you feel more comfortable.

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Gifts? Like plants and little happy meal figurines and stuff?
;-)

 
At 12:33 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I'll email a list of preferred gifts.

 
At 1:53 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

That's fine. I just need to know what the money limit is so I can get another line of credit if need be.

Thanks, oh nevermind, I gotta stop saying that! That's what got me into this to begin with.

 
At 2:37 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I certainly don't wish them any luck. And sadly enough I don't believe it will be over in a year, if my close mates are anything to go by. They seem to need and want a woman like that. F*ck that. I want a woman who will be a lady in the street, threaten to stab me during an argurement and give me the kind of sex that makes every other female on the planet inferior.

 
At 6:41 PM, Blogger Broad said...

Ok, but what will you do with all the liberated balls? Aren't they kind of useless at that point?

 
At 7:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Let's start reasonably. I just need my car detailed.

orhan,

I think I am falling for you.

broad,

I have had the great fortune not to have run into any completely useless balls yet.

 

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