Facts of Life
I have a soft, sentimental side. Usually, I try not to show it. I have a good back and a bad reputation to think of.
Almost a year ago, I adopted ducklings. I'm not sure why I did it, it just seemed that everywhere I looked, there were no ducks.
There is a man in Idaho who sells ducklings. You have to buy them in groups of ten. It seems like ducks should be sold in dozens, like eggs. If I was more frugal, I would have just bought the eggs.
It's exceedingly difficult to raise ducks in a town home. They didn't follow me around in a straight line like I expected them to. The duck crap on the floor made the feathers stick to my feet. Tarring and feathering is so Antebellum. It became clear, that the ducks had to find another place to live. Also, it is apparently against several local ordinances to raise livestock within the city limits.
Now, the ducks live in a lovely pond. I visit them every day. They climb all over me. I emailed pictures of my ducks and me to Mom. She replied, "You are going to get the bird flu. You don't have the sense you were born with. You never did have the sense you were born with." She is a gentle and loving woman.
Last week, I noticed that one of my ducks had laid two eggs. I should have had The Talk with the ducks a long time ago. I just thought that they would know all about the birds and the bees, on account of them being birds and all. At first, I thought that they couldn't be real eggs. I inspected them more closely.
I reached out and scientifically poked one of them with my index finger. It was definitely an egg.
It only took a second to realize what I had done. I hate eggs and I had just touched one. An egg that had just come out of a duck's vagina. Not even a store bought egg that had been carefully selected and cleansed, but a fresh egg. I didn't even know which duck it had come from. I retched. To me, this is like probing the contents of the sanitary napkin bin conveniently provided in women's restrooms.
I wiped my finger off in the grass and retched a few more times.
I gathered the ducks around me and told them that our bodies go through beautiful and miraculous changes. I warned the girls about the drakes and told them all not to do drugs without me.
I've started slipping birth control pills in their food. If they think I'm going to spend the rest of my hot years raising their damn kids, they are sadly mistaken.