Facts of Life
I have a soft, sentimental side. Usually, I try not to show it. I have a good back and a bad reputation to think of.Almost a year ago, I adopted ducklings. I'm not sure why I did it, it just seemed that everywhere I looked, there were no ducks.
There is a man in Idaho who sells ducklings. You have to buy them in groups of ten. It seems like ducks should be sold in dozens, like eggs. If I was more frugal, I would have just bought the eggs.
It's exceedingly difficult to raise ducks in a town home. They didn't follow me around in a straight line like I expected them to. The duck crap on the floor made the feathers stick to my feet. Tarring and feathering is so Antebellum. It became clear, that the ducks had to find another place to live. Also, it is apparently against several local ordinances to raise livestock within the city limits.
Now, the ducks live in a lovely pond. I visit them every day. They climb all over me. I emailed pictures of my ducks and me to Mom. She replied, "You are going to get the bird flu. You don't have the sense you were born with. You never did have the sense you were born with." She is a gentle and loving woman.
Last week, I noticed that one of my ducks had laid two eggs. I should have had The Talk with the ducks a long time ago. I just thought that they would know all about the birds and the bees, on account of them being birds and all. At first, I thought that they couldn't be real eggs. I inspected them more closely.
I reached out and scientifically poked one of them with my index finger. It was definitely an egg.
It only took a second to realize what I had done. I hate eggs and I had just touched one. An egg that had just come out of a duck's vagina. Not even a store bought egg that had been carefully selected and cleansed, but a fresh egg. I didn't even know which duck it had come from. I retched. To me, this is like probing the contents of the sanitary napkin bin conveniently provided in women's restrooms.
I wiped my finger off in the grass and retched a few more times.
I gathered the ducks around me and told them that our bodies go through beautiful and miraculous changes. I warned the girls about the drakes and told them all not to do drugs without me.
I've started slipping birth control pills in their food. If they think I'm going to spend the rest of my hot years raising their damn kids, they are sadly mistaken.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:32 AM
100 Comments:
Uh oh, now you've done it. Now you're going to have all the pro-life ducks angry and spamming your site...
1
on the floor laughing, cannot breathe.....
"....told them all not to do drugs without me."
If you are sharing your birth control pills with them, we could have a bigger problem on our hands than a flock of duckies, Houston.
Some people's ducks...
todd,
I hope they don't throw eggs on me.
0,
It's the same advice that my parents should have given me.
hearts,
Not my pills, don't be silly. I stole them from a friend. It's about time she had a kid.
laurie,
Are you implying that my ducks are slutty?
eeewww... this reminds me of this delicatessen people eat in the Philippines called balut which is a fertilized duck (or chicken) egg. Nasty.
echo,
I wanted to say eeewww too, but I was too busy dry heaving.
I've made the mistake of taking my daughters down to the river during the Spring, and we've encountered totally harsh duck gang bangs. Ducks are totally perverted. Your talk may not help, but birth control always does.
What if your ducks don't speak English? They may speak only duckinese or something. You'd really be up a creek then, huh? Like, REALLY, cause that's where the babies live.
If those ducks are doing the nasty, I hope they're not all siblings. I mean, livestock is one thing, but if you're raising incestual livestock...well, my opinion of you has vastly changed.
It is so good of you to put those things in perspective for them..
"Duck vagina" may be one of the funniest word pairings of all time.
Uh... if they were all from the same pack when you got them cheaper by the dozen then that's incest you know?
It never ceases to amaze me the topics you drag into your blog. I can't wait for the one which starts with beast and ends with iality. he he
I like ducks. Particularly with a nice Zinfandel (the real red kind, not the pink stuff).
Were there others at the park the day you were "talking" to the ducks?
I,too, have an egg-phobia. Just can't seem to put something in my mouth that came from that particular part of the body. Just looking at the picture today made me gag. I mean, how do you know what the white is and what the yellow is? And that gristle-ly little thing that's attached. What's that all about? Eggs are good at only one time of year. Halloween.
If we read about a duck population explosion in your city, we'll know the culprit.
sell them in packs of 12...scientifically poked one...
laughing pretty hard! Thanks for making my morning!!
ROTFL! Oh Mist, we love you. I always knew you had a sweet caring and sensitive side. I'm sure the ducks will be able to raise their own offspring though!
And your mum rocks.
Here's a fact about eggs - when they first come out of the duck (chicken, penguin, magpie) the shell is soft so it can come out of the bird wothout killing it. Then it hardens. Just thought you might be interested...
churlita,
I'd better not hear about any duck gang bangs from these ladies. They know better.
mo,
They're from Idaho. I think they speak English there.
fiona,
Speaking of tonic, someone make me a vodka tonic this morning, please.
How many people Google "duck's vagina"...I mean, besides you?
lizza,
I just can't eat an egg unless it's really well disguised.
jay,
My ducks are ruining my reputation.
mj,
I am a role model.
av,
The inflection is important. It could be a command, as in, "Duck! Vagina!"
icl,
I don't know if they're technically related. I just got ten ducklings in the mail. I prefer to think of them as just being good friends...with benefits.
nwjr,
I have to confess that I did have duck one night for dinner when they were here. They didn't notice. And no, I didn't eat one of my ducks.
swamp,
I hate that little snotty knot in the egg. I always imagine that it's a baby bird. I understand the whole fertilized/unfertilized thing, but what if one just slipped through the cracks?
olives,
Wouldn't it make more sense to sell the in twelves?
ghost,
I'm pretty sure that I could have lived a long time without knowing that fact.
Just put the resulting ducklings up for adoption - some city chump is sure to fall for their fuzzy cuteness and take them home.
Oh....
That's what Mr Idaho did.
Sorry.
Puss
it did occur to me that you could just eat them ... ducks, eggs, the lot. Even if you consider them to be family, I am sure they would be prepared to make this little sacrifice for you. FAZ
You know if someone had said, I'll bet you $500 you will read a blog posting with the words "duck vagina" in it, I totally would have taken that bet. Good thing I didn't.
puss,
Mr. Idaho was really clever.
lee,
I can make a lot stuff repulsive. It's how I stay thin.
faz,
I cannot eat a little duck menstrual cycle. Not scrambled, not fried, not hard boiled.
furious,
I guess I had no idea that you people don't think about duck vaginas. You're so weird.
I'm quite certain that at least one of those ducks will go on to be president on day. Or at the very least be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
Something about the eggs in that picture is troubling to me... they are kind of... off looking. Suddenly the thought of eggs makes me dry heave a little too...
chef,
Ms. Jolie better keep her paws off of my babies.
matt,
Where do you think babies come from? Storks?
honey i think one of them is a tramp. a little duck tramp. she knows better too but she just doesn't care. better have a talk with her. and her own brother too. yeesh...
smiles, bee
bee,
Just because she's laying eggs doesn't make her a tramp. Chicks don't lay eggs because they're having sex. And you think I'm the ditzy one. I'm sure she's saving herself for her Duck Charming.
I'm just saying, I thought they were reptiles or something.
Reptiles also have genitalia, I'm pretty sure.
I'm reconsidering my view of eggs in light of this discussion. I never thought of them as part of the chicken's/duck's menstrual cycle, but that's exactly what they are.
I'm glad I don't have to pass a big egg every month. That's one good thing about not being a duck.
Way to put your foot down, Mist. Some ducks don't have the good sense they were born with.
matt,
Reptile snatch is really dry.
yng,
I'm glad I don't have webbed toes.
tammy,
You sound like my mother.
maiden,
It was perfectly eggceptable.
Ducks are nice. Lovely in the house. No?
Worse is caviar. Fishy vagina, like literally. I can't believe rich people basically go down on fish in public.
Sigh...parenting is SO hard, isn't it?
I always wear a helmet just in case of flying vaginas.
can we call you grandma now?
You are a warm and tender mother just like your mom, aren't you? ;-)
*,
I thought they'd be more snuggly.
liar,
Great. Now sushi is out for a bit.
lcg,
I haven't saved a cent for college.
av,
I think Flying Vaginas is a Kung-Fu porn.
pink,
No. One more comment like that and we're through.
pissy,
I really am. Thanks for noticing.
I'll stick with Peeps. They come in all kids of pretty colors, too.
If this doesn't win some big fat funniest post award, then the Universe is obviously not on the side of justice.
"I reached out and scientifically poked one" is so Flann O'Brien, so Tibor Fischer, so Mist1. How cool is that, to be in the pantheon at such a tender age, while still raising your brood?
**To me, this is like probing the contents of the sanitary napkin bin conveniently provided in women's restrooms.** I just threw up a little in my mouth but then swallowed it.... thanks for brunch.
Just out of curiosity.... How much would you charge to come up here and have that chat with my little ducklings?
I'll wear my Firefighter gear....
tug,
I've got Peeps in different colors too.
booda,
Look out Granta.
dallas,
Honey, sometimes it's okay to spit.
fringes,
Left cheek or right?
arthur,
That's low. You know I am weak.
Ha..Mist!
Isn't beastiality also against the law?
"Our bodies go through beautiful and miraculous changes"
LOL! Between that little "talk" with the ducks and the Duck Charming comment above, you are killing me today.
By the way, I decided to read back on some of the posts I've missed... "Indoor Kids" was total genius start to finish! I think we have the same friend.
slick,
I'm not sleeping with the ducks.
tammie,
I try to save some good ones for the comments.
tammie,
Thanks. That one was fun.
I have a soft, sentimental side, too. I keep it in a drawer underneath the bathroom sink.
forget the birth control and send all their babies to me! I heart eggs. mmmm.
I live in Idaho. Let me know if you need any more ducks.
choo,
Do you take it out and look at it from time to time.
miztris,
Can we exchange for blog maintenance?
tallulah,
I had no idea that the main commerce in Idaho was in duck trading.
Reminds me of Joey on Friends...
jali,
I think that's the first Friends reference here. I never watched the show. Did Joey hate eggs?
killer,
In my defense, I did the best that I could do. There was no constant male figure around to guide them.
I hate to give parenting advice Mist (not really), but once you kick them out of your house you just have to live with their decisions. The best thing you can do is to not judge them and just be there for them. Oh and clean your carpet.
Oh man, duck goo. Ain't nothing worse than duck goo. (I dont think.)
Watch out for the boys, that's where the trouble lies.
dagromm,
I love your talk show. I watch it every day.
thomas,
If the egg had been gooey, I probably would have had to cut off my own hand.
well if the ducks do not raise their kids and it cramps your style, you can always report them to child welfare.
My neighbor did CPR on a baby squirrel. What is wrong with you people?!
Antebellum!!!!! You get a gold star from the teacher-me! Nice vocab Mist1!!!!!!!!! Using words like that is as hot as some of your post topics. Well maybe not.
they poop out of that same hole, too...
hmm...now i see why you weren't keen on the trained birds....
where do you get this stuff from woman?
Ducks? lol damn.
Raising their "kids"? Aren't kids what goats give birth too? Methinks you're confusing your beastiality!!
You are pretty fast with the index finger aren't you? Now think about it-would you for scientific reasons, without thinking, poke around the public bathroom sanitary bin with your finger? That is just a nasty thought!
k,
You must not know how overwhelmed the system is here.
alicia,
I'm not giving mouth to mouth to a rodent.
wreck,
I live in the South. Everything is Antebellum here.
jennifer,
Thank the Lord for hand sanitizer.
kris,
Exactly.
kiyotoe,
I don't come up with this stuff. My world is apparently different, albeit less hygienic, than others.
steph,
I'm buying goats this spring.
gucci,
It was metaphorical.
Oh, Lord, woman I sooooo neede this good chuckle! You really are an amzing woman!
Goats like to eat grass...so be prepared!
the good thing about being a grandparent is that you can hug and kiss them and then give them back to their parents when you're done. I look forward to that.
slb,
I will get those goats off grass if it's the last thing I do.
yvonne,
I'm not watching any damn eggs while they go out and party.
If I think too long about egg shells I get freaked the fuck out. I am kindly asking you to refrain from further talk about eggs being passed through poultry vagi's until further notice.
Thank you.
those ducks don't know how good they have it!!
Wait a minute: So you don't routinely go poking the sanitary napkin bin in public restrooms?
What have I been thinking? Here, I felt like an archeologist.
kat,
I didn't want to post this, but this blog is like therapy for me. I needed to get some sh*t off my chest and I needed you all to suffer with me.
claudia,
Tell them for me. They're at that age where they don't want to listen.
jocelyn,
I can hardly even bring myself to use a public restroom.
LMAO!!!
At least you gave them the talk...
My mother still hasn't talked to me about sex...Good thing I went to college and had slutty friends...
and I am almost positive that my mother slipped me the birth control pills in the cookies she would send every week!!
what do you mean they didn't follow you around in a straight line! WTF?!? That's the only way that ducks are supposed to be...do you mean all the stories we were raised on lied to us. Bastards...well if they're not in a straight line you may as well do the drugs with them. Don't forget to give them the talk on STDs!
It's always the pretty ones...they go around getting everyone pregnant and then fly south for the winter. Those ducking, feathered, no good.....
funny post, I get the same canadian geese on my front and back lawn every year, they keep coming back, must be all the good food!
ee,
Go ahead and laugh. I will need more therapy.
tellin',
Tell your mother to send some of those cookies over here.
nofear,
Complete lies. Ducks do what they please.
michael,
We are totally going further south next winter. The poor dummies didn't know what to do this winter. I was afraid they'd instinctually leave me every single day.
tkk,
Geese are whores.
You're thinking of Flying Vaginas: Fisting of Fury.
av,
I need to see your movie collection.
Yeah, come over to my place and check out my movie collection. :)
av,
Wait, you have all that midget horse stuff.
You know you're intrigued.
av,
Okay, I need to know. Are the horses midgets?
They're all midgets!
av,
I'm in. Make some popcorn.
You're like a modern day version of St. Francis. Awesome.
But seriously, that whole bird flu thing is freaky. Your story reminds me of a landscape painting class I took and one of my classmates was attacked by geese. That was hilarious!
Did I mention that it's clothing optional?
You know, people always ask me, "What came first, Val, the chicken or the egg?"
And, I think, it doesn't matter who comes first, so long as everyone comes in the end.
seb,
I am practically a saint. Thanks for noticing.
av,
You're a fabulous host.
123,
Amen, Val.
Just wait until Halloween!
Good theology with which I concur: don't give up anything for Lent, but add some spirituality to your life. BTW, I believe that chocolate is spiritually enhancing.
I never got the talk. I went to a catholic school. I'm sure it would have been more educational for my mum if she'd tried.
av,
I can hardly wait.
nick,
I was serious about that part.
phishez,
Do you still have the uniform? Can I borrow it?
I'll fed-ex it over. Addressed to Mist1, dirty south USA.
Might take a while.
you are soooo funny! i loved reading your duck story. there were recently two ducks that decided to make a home near our apartment building pool. and one day i go outside to see that they've had 11 little ducklings. and before you knew it they were swimming! sooo cute!
Here's my myspace link so you can see the video I took.
http://www.myspace.com/girlnamedeva
www.evawear.com
Enjoy!
Hey, the whole reason I was looking up duck info in the first place is I hear the ducks go back to where they were born to give birth. Any truth to that?
anon,
Ducklings will totally break your heart. You have to overfeed them to make sure that they never leave you. It's much like dealing with men.
I'll answer your question via email.
Thanks for coming by.
Eggs: A ducks period
as my sister would say :P
anon,
Your sister sounds very, very bright.
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