I Like Aquafresh
Mom and I did more than publicly demonstrate our inability to hold our tiramisu martinis while she was in town. We also demonstrated our ability to eat a meal every 90 minutes. I don't eat like this when she's not here, so I'm making her leave town today because I'm going to the beach next month and I will not be able to get into my bikini if we continue to eat like this. I love my mother, but I love my a$$ in my bikini even more.Every few years, Mom and I retreat from the chaos of our lives. We leave the city behind and relax someplace where we can see the stars and buy stuff from local artisans. We've learned a lot about ourselves from these trips. We've learned that the word "rustic" when describing our accommodations means that we will be checking out two days early and so there had better be a hotel with a recognizable name close by. We've learned that we are very competitive when we play Scrabble and sometimes, people get hurt. The same is true for jigsaw puzzles.
We found an adorable b & b with limited internet access, while still offering adequate shopping and dining and HBO so that I could see who would get whacked on the Sopranos. I swore that I would not bring the computer or a man. Mom swore that she would not utter the phrases "Child, those shoes are going to give you bunions," or "is that a shirt or a dress?" for the entire weekend. Satisfied with the conditions, we reserved the weekend and opened a bottle of wine to celebrate.
When we arrived at the b & b, it seems that the entire home had been rented for a party. Naturally, we had not checked for an email confirmation before we left. The lovely proprietress offered us the cottage for the weekend. She noted that Bjorn, the man who had been staying there for several months was away for the weekend, but that he was away and she was absolutely sure that he wouldn't mind a bit.
We could not have been more thrilled. Staying in Bjorn's cabin made the trip so much more than a weekend getaway, it was now a mystery to solve. We charged ourselves with figuring out everything about Bjorn. We wondered why he had so much money in his checking account (I never would have looked at his bank statement had it not been in plain view in the dresser under his socks), but lived in a cottage. We scrutinized the contents of the pantry and promised that we would not drink his wine unless we left cash. We sniffed the tubes of spreadable fish in the refrigerator. I was especially fascinated with the toothpaste like tubes of fish paste. I can't think of any spreadable animals that come in tubes. We examined his toiletries and noted that he did not seem to own any dental floss. We even considered calling a friend of mine who is married to a man named Lars to see if he would translate Bjorn's Nordic notes.
Within thirty minutes, we had tired of Bjorn. We got dressed for dinner and found that the car had been parked in by guests attending the party in the main house. So, we crashed the party. We congratulated graduates and told people that I had grown up with the bride as we pushed our way to the bar. Over the fruit plate, I told Mom that I couldn't believe that she agreed to crash the party. Mom looked at me with narrowed her eyes, "I've been sneaking into movies, too." I love her. Also, now I understand how she sees so many movies. As the guests began making toasts, we talked the bartender out of a bottle of wine and slipped back to the cabin.
We watched a Lifetime movie entitled, "You Know This Kid is Going to Die, It's Only a Matter of Time." The ending was unpredictable and Mom and I cried. I dozed off on the couch while Mom got ready for bed. I was awakened by the string of profanities coming from the bathroom.
I kept my eyes closed and pretended to sleep. I even made soft snoring noises when Mom came into the room. She leaned over and kissed my cheek with fishy breath.
I left Bjorn $5 for the tube of fish paste. It was worth it.
Mist 1
PS: Mom presented me with the darling purse pictured above. It is a Dr. Seuss original. Mom told me that only someone as cute as I am can carry a purse like that. I'm posting a picture of it in all it's horrifying splendor, because if you subscribe to Mom's logic about cuteness, you can tell how adorable I must be.
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:12 AM
79 Comments:
Is it a purse or a curse? It's either abhorrable or adorable. Despite it's fluff, it'll hold your stuff. Your bag, made from a rag, will be the envy of all the who's in Whoville. I don't like green eggs and ham, only spam, Sam I am. Sorry, that's the best Dr. Seuss I could muster, though it made me fluster. And now I wait for Seuss' widow to sue me, which will undo me.
I won't let that purse alter my perception of your adorableness, but honestly, I thought that purse was a bad flower pot.
Wow, I'm here first? Your last post has sixty responses--and it was a glorified gone fishing sign. I'm gonna have to hang in there on this whole blogger thing and maybe I'll get ten responses!
BTW I was looking for my ID, and I remebered that maybe its in plain view locked in her glove compartment next to the portable ID theft scanner.
Yeah...
Thanks for the read.
1,
You must be absolutely gorgeous to have a Dr. Seuss Original Cranberry Muffin Purse. And a mother who loves you too! Wowsers.
I thought you had me at bunions. But you really had me at fishy breath.
That's hot.
I love my mum but yours sound like far more fun!
super btw: I was horrified to see thst I had left a unspellchecked firstdraft mess for you to read. You must teach; your patience is colossal to make it past the first twenty typos.
Thanks for not ripping on that or the bad poetry that I love to write.
And everyone was all about the sopranos--except my mom who watches jewelry/surgury/lifetime on a twenty minute rotation.
Moms are whacked--but not really whacked, I hope.
The purse would make a great beach hat, especially if it matches your bikini.
you know, i'm getting a terrible idea. our moms have fish breath in common, and you and i have already made drunken phonecalls: the four of us should end up in jail together some time.
Jigsaw puzzles are indreibly dangerous. Those 'choking hazard for children under 3' warnings are bullshit. Anybody can choke on them!
A purse? I thought it was a cake!
That was a cruel trick to play on your poor unsuspecting Mum. I bet she wishes she'd thought of it first!
...or you can choke anyone on them.
I didn't see it as a purse or a flower pot.
I still don't.
But I'd be the first one to carry it, because I wouldn't care!
I thought it was one of those things that holds your toilet paper....
Mist, please, please let me borrow your mom. Just for my own weekend. My mom's been gone now for 17 years, so I REALLY need a mom/daughter weekend.
And I heart your mom best...
Spreadable fish and tiramisu martinins? Wow, you know how to live.
And there is someone somewhere for whom that handbag represents the epitome of chic. There's nowt so queer as folk.
Puss
Was it Bjorn Borg?
I also thought that the hat was edible. I figured it was one of those Easter marshmallow-y deals.
And I wondered if even you would have shoes to match it.
Now your mother can easily infiltrate a cult of lesbians.
Bjorn. I could never tire of saying that name.
Bjorn. Bjorn. Bjorn.
That purse looks like a handbag for one of the "Munchkins" on the set of the "The Wizard Of Oz"!
I bet it would look pretty sitting on the front porch around Halloween!
I'm not sure, but I think that purse will give you bunions. I love your Mom's sense of irony.
thank you, thank you! that story is exactly what i needed this monday morning.
i heart you and your mudder!
michael,
One fish, two fish, three fish, spreadable fish.
eric,
Keep blogging. Then, one day, post an incoherent drunken blog. Retract it. Wait for people to laugh at your unchecked alcoholism.
0,
Thanks for noticing. You don't think it takes away from my eyelashes, do you?
airam,
I will have to start jogging to undo the damage of the weekend. My a$$ insists on it.
lcg,
My family is nothing if not hot.
shadow,
She really is. Wait until I tell you about competitive Scrabble.
eric,
I'm not sure that I'm ready to talk about the Sopranos yet, but I had an incredible dream with a better ending.
blitz,
I guess I need a new bikini.
jennifer,
I never go to jail in odd numbered years. See you in '08.
phishez,
I hope someone was around to give you the Heimlich remover.
akelamalu,
I hope it's not a cake. I just put my wallet in it.
melodyann,
You can borrow Mom. Be prepared to receive a Dr. Seuss purse.
puss,
I have had nothing but kind words and adoration when I have carried the purse.
peter,
I do not match my shoes to my handbags. I coordinate.
av,
She did that the summer I turned 16.
debbie,
We read his journals aloud with a Swedish Chef accent.
uncivil,
Munchkins scare me. So does the purse.
wng,
Who meets an a$$ doctor and makes out with him?
tammy,
I have not seen the feet of the woman that makes the purses. I will only carry it when I'm seated.
hello,
I heart us too. I do not heart tiramisu martinis.
The purse is awesome! I love it. :) Sounds like you guys had fun with the toothpaste fish and wine. What a weekend!
Jesus Christ that purse is ugly as sin!
Imagine the shoes that would go with that purse.
Racking my brain for another speadable animal.... i can only think of run over hedgehogs.
i only half glanced at the pic and i thought it was a muffin, then i read ur post and looked back going 'ooooooooh a purse....''
Im a bit retarded.
Fish paste makes a wonderful salty addition to a ceasar salad dressing... seriously. I shit you not.
Well played. The only thing that worries me about spreadable fish is that it doesn't sound appealing. Ok, apparently two things bother me because I meant to say that if we were supposed to be able to spread fish, why do they have so damn many little bones?
I dated a massage therapist named Beorn once - it was brief but well worth it in the short-term...
Listen here missy! Colgate Total with mint stripe is the absolute way to go. sheesh
karma,
That was really only one evening. I have another story all lined up for you tomorrow.
weather,
Jesus loves all purses.
constance,
I wore espadrilles.
plump,
I have a crush on a hedgehog. Thinking of him being squeezed out of a tube makes me sad.
condo,
If only we had thought of that.
michael,
Spreadable fish is a great scientific advancement. Better even, than spreadable butter.
p of u,
Did he like his fish to come in a tube?
mayren,
I like the orange minty stuff. I've never been an Aquafresh girl before the orange minty stuff.
How many Snuffleupaguses (or is it Snuffleupagii) died for that purse?
The...purse...no...words.
oh my. So, you have a face only a mother could love then?? I'm sure it's not that bad.
Sounds like you are having a wonderful visit.
I would re-gift that purse if I were you.
Child, that purse will give you bunions.
Once you find shoes you love, the purse will look great with them. What's the worry?
furious,
That is a cruelty free purse.
ajooja,
You will recognize it from the other side of the beach. It is tattooed and carrying an awfully loud purse.
scotts,
So, you love it?
pool,
I don't have the face for blogging. I do have the purse for it.
mutt,
No, I must carry the purse. In fact, I am thinking about getting another one in turquoise.
alicia,
It's true. I can't carry that purse with sensible shoes. It wouldn't make sense.
fringes,
I am already completely in love with the awfulness of the purse. It defines me. Loud, obnoxious, completely impractical, and makes everyone stare.
Tiramisu Martinis and crashing parties? Wow, that sounds like GREAT trip especially with mom. I would love to try that -- and go vacation with my mom without us killing each other. I don't think it's possible right now.
wow. you're one of the seven dwarves.
And I hope whoever gives these things gives you a bonus for "I never would have looked at his bank statement had it not been in plain view in the dresser under his socks".
what if they called the tubes of edible fish something like "pots du aqua" or maybe not. sorry, i got nothing... but i did throw up a little when i read this.
smiles, bee
If my mother gave me purses like that I just might love her as much as my a$$ in a bikini, almost.
You mom is right. You ARE cute enough to carry that purse. Hey - let's hang out soon and..um..bring the purse.
That's a bag?
I thought it was a pimped our Jack-o-latern!
But you ARE adorable....so you can get away with carrying it.
I'd love to have a tiramisu martini, as it sounds delicious. Okay, I love tiramisu too.
The purse is awful. Okay that isn't stong enough. You should burn it. Orange too. I can feel the love in the air.
I see the limb doesn't fall too far from the tree here. Have a great day Mist. :)
That purse is why I have a daughter - so I can give it to her. Who knows - maybe you could have left it for Bjorn.
(did you leave him any gifts? - like used panties?)
Aquafresh is good. I prefer Closeup, myself. But only for brushing teeth, that stuff can be dangerous in the wrong place.
I'm glad you two were poking around in Bjorn's place and not mine, as I'm sure I have more disturbing things around here than spreadable animals, but I'll just leave that to your imagination.
Tiramisu martinis -- what a concept.
Bjorn is a friend of mine. He whacks people for a living and gets paid really well.
He got your address from the proprietress, and intends to return your fiver, but didn't specify where he's going to put it.
I am all for spreadable meats. There definitely needs to be more of them. If any presidential candidate comes out with a good platform on the subject, I may have to vote for him/her.
My mom would disown me...again. I yuv your mom.
I wanted to read all these comments, I really did. But I got antsy to tell you the following.
"I love my mother, but I love my a$$ in my bikini even more."
Useless. Without. Pictures.
Have a good one.
-AD
~shakes head~
I am partially jealous that my Mom and I are not that close...then again...she eats every 45 mins while I shake my head adding up points.
LOVE the purse. It's going to be your "date night" fashion accessory right?!?!?!
*giggles*
curiosity,
Mom and I are through the killing each other part of our relationship. We are into the martini phase.
booda,
I don't want people to think that I am prying too far into his personal business. Did I mention that I finally found out that he is married and is some kind of doctor? I think we stayed in his romantic getaway cottage.
bee,
Mom pointed out that it tasted a bit like diaper ointment. I asked for no explanation.
stacy,
One day, I will love Mom more, but not until my a$$ takes a turn for the worse.
jali,
I just called you. I need cocktails. Wait until you see the thing in person.
wng,
I am totally on the way. I love it when people need me.
pissy,
Maybe Mom got it from the show, Pimp My Pumpkin.
comedy,
You really should see me with the purse in my hand. I look incredible and sort of like I am carrying a human head.
karmyn,
I left Bjorn a disposable razor.
capt. smack,
I hope you invite me over sometime.
hearts,
No, not that Bjorn. I dated him.
flenker,
I am a fan of spreadable organ meats. I like the convenience of the tube. I can carry the tubes in my purse.
lee,
Mom will never disown me. We have too much fun.
amber,
I would post a picture of my a$$, but I want you all to read my words, not stare at my a$$.
super,
Shaking your head burns calories.
LOL! Mist, you must be uber cute if you can get away with toting around that purse! ;)
I love that you and your mom can get away together for a few days and just chill and enjoy each other's company! Though I love my mom to bits, I love my sanity even more! LOL! Seriously, I love her tons......just in small doses! LOL!
BTW, did you say tiramisu martinis??? YUM! Never heard of them! I do love chocolate martinis though!
Misty, it's nice that your mom thinks you are cute. I'd hate for that purse go to waste, it would if you weren't so cute.
Mom's right, I know you are adorable because your writing tells it!
Why the bathroom profanities?
..
Tell me that purse doesn't depict the color...the advice you solicited from your BFF Tera...No!
One night when I was in college I got completely wasted. When I got home, I went to brush my teeth. In my drunken stupor, I neglected to notice that I had squeezed a tube of my roommate's KY jelly onto my toothbrush. I'm pretty sure Bjorn's fish goop tasted better.
For the record, yes, I have a lot of lube-related stories. I'm a single girl, you know.
Or, you could turn it over and wear it as a hat! Then you'd be super cute!!
I envy you and your mom's relationship...sounds wonderful! Great post.
You seem to have a wonderful relationship with your mum - that's so cool ! :)
OMG your back Aw, you are adorable. I know this becasue I once witttenessed the cutenes in front of me that night.(I think that might have sounded gay).
I need to revise my robot for easy storage. I'll get back to you on that.
I wrote a post for beer drinkers yay.
Suggest something good on my post.
I shouldn't on the innernet on ambian. The purse looks good too and I;m drunkers. nurrrr I'm tarded
You'll need the right hat to carry around that purse!
That's always the dilemma - as much great food and drink as you can pack away or feeling okay in a bathing suit. Sounds like you and your Mom had a blast. Except I'm not so sure I'd like a tiramisu martini.
I think my Gram crocheted that thing. Drink more and see if it sings or something.
chrissy,
You must have tiramisu martinis. You must.
jim,
My foul mouth just kills my mother.
tera,
That's the color. You should see the inside.
muser,
KY in the mouth isn't so bad. Is it?
kristyn,
If the Cat in the Hat is cute, so be it.
robin,
It took us years, just years to get to this point.
zhu,
It's a wonderful, vodka based relationship.
nolff,
Please send sexbot and Ambian.
tom,
This hair does not do hats.
amp,
I'm going to Google boobs to see what those are.
cs,
Tiramisu martinis make you feel like a hair dresser.
wg,
Your Gram and Harry Potter should hook up. The purse talks.
I've never felt that ANY food (including cheese) for human consumption should be made available in a tube. The only fish I can say I've ever seen or heard of in a tube was a fish-flavoured hairball remedy for cats.
Has your mom noticed herself licking herself and not coughing things up lately?
arthur,
We will not be discussing my mother licking herself here.
Please tell me your Mom did not knit that purse. It would ruin the wonderful image of her I have in my mind.
spell,
It was felted by a close friend of hers. Mom gave up knitting a few years ago.
You must transcend mere cuteness to be able to pull that purse off. My grandmother used to crochet slippers with pom-poms that would be perfect for that purse.
My mom is coming in two days and we're batting around the idea of taking a little trip, just the two of us. Can't say that it'll be as eventful as yours, though.
velvet,
Invite me. The three of us will have oodles of fun. I'll bring my purse.
i didn't know that DR Suess did crochet. Hilarious. Not often do you hear the words Bjorn, animals in tubes, and party crashing in such a short story. Lifetime movies are predictable. And I always cry at them.
sounds like you and mom had an eventful visit.
melanie,
Dr. Seuss is extremely talented. Many people think he's dead. He's not. He's just given up writing for crafting.
That purse is awesome. Dr. Seuss would be proud.
I really want a purse like that. I have no problems with my masculinity so I'm not afraid of lugging a purse around, especially a Dr. Seuss purse.
seb,
Post some pictures of your shoes so that I can choose the right color man-purse for you.
..but I love my a$$ in my bikini even more.
Not that I've seen your ass in it, amen anyways.
That certainly is a darling purse. Dr Seuss all the way. Totally you, think. Sh*t, you really should share a photo with us sometime, you're holding out. Any nudes to my private email of course, STAT!
orhan,
I'm thinking about jumping out of my purse in my bikini for you.
Now what exactly mysteries you do y'all solve and HOW exactly do you and your mother benefit the public?
I bet if you guys were detectives, you'd team up with Axel Foley....
matt,
My mother and I partner with no one. We are enough on our own.
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