To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Motel O'Aces

This weekend, I did two things that I had never done before. I went to Alabama and I used a Port-a-Potty. Neither was as bad as I had expected, but I have no future plans to to either again soon.

I didn't have a reason to go to Alabama. I woke up in the morning and scratched my a$$ just like I do every morning. Then, I had an idea. Whenever I have a good idea, I like to call someone and tell them about it, I don't care what time it is. Also, when I have a good idea, I like to preface it with the phrase, "I know what let's do". Everything sounds like a good idea when you say that first. Jamie could not refuse.

We checked into the Motel O'Aces just in time for cocktail hour. Jamie and I were parched. The woman at the front desk hadn't taken the time to inform us that cocktail hour at the Motel O'Aces means you bring your own liquor down to the lobby or try to pick up a trucker who has good pills. We decided to go out for margaritas instead.

We found a Mexican restaurant and were shown to the smoking section. Where I live, smoking indoors is a crime punishable by fines, jail time, and lung cancer. Jamie and I decided that we were going to smoke as much as we could since it was perfectly acceptable here. It turns out that eating dinner in a smoke filled room isn't all that appetizing. Margaritas are still pretty damn good. This was the kind of restaurant where you have to get up to pay. It took a long time for us to figure that out. We occupied our time with margaritas at the bar. The sexy Mexican bartender looked through his dark hair and said in a thick accent, "You don't sound like you're from here." I did that eyelash thing that I do and I said, "neither do you, Baby, neither do you." I swear, in my head, it was very, very sexy. Jamie pulled me out of the place by my arm before I embarrassed myself any further.

We spent the rest of the evening with the locals discussing the best way to get rid of wild hogs and how not to get caught should you ever need to kill an endangered species. It turns out that herons, while endangered, are awful good eating.

The next morning, we went down to the lobby for the continental breakfast. The woman at the front desk hadn't taken the time to inform us that the continental breakfast at the Motel O'Aces means you bring your own coffee down to the lobby or try to pick up a trucker who has good pills. We decided to go out for bloody Mary's instead.

We spent the afternoon in the pool. When we returned to our room, we found that our room hadn't been cleaned yet. Apparently, the woman at the front desk hadn't taken the time to inform us that room service at the Motel O'Aces means you go down to the lobby for clean towels or skip the towels and try to pick up a trucker who has good pills. We decided to go out for beer instead.

Yesterday, when we checked out of the lovely Motel O'Aces, we discovered a miscellaneous $250 charge to the bill. It seems that the staff noted a funny smell coming from our room the night before. A smell, that was mysteriously reminiscent of marijuana. I glared at Jamie who I distinctly remember telling to smoke that sh*t outside. Jamie, who had insisted that it would be okay, was now insisting that the smell must have been from her cigarettes. She explained to the woman behind the front desk that she rolls her own. The woman politely explained that we could pay the charge or tell the story to the police.

I pulled Jamie aside. We both agreed that as much as we had enjoyed our time in Alabama, the Motel O'Aces was probably considerably more comfortable than the county jail.

Using the Port-a-Potty was a slightly better experience. Slightly.

Mist 1


At 10:09 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I'm thinking that the Alabama Tourism Board is going to want to sign you up to direct their next ad campaign after reading this.

At 10:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm pretty sure they'll want to compensate me handsomely for this one.

At 10:28 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

If they do, please see if you can work some Talladega race tickets into the deal. I'll pay you triple the face value, although I'm thinking I should get accommodations in a neighboring state.

At 10:31 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Does heron taste like chicken?

At 10:54 PM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

You can call me anytime. Tell me your "good ideas". It's long distance to call me and I might not pick up the phone depending if I'm sleeping or baby-powdering myself... but I'm always up to listen to an idea.

At 11:05 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

I always find the best truckers with the best pills in port-a-potties.

At 11:29 PM, Blogger MXI said...

The upside to port-a-potties is, you don't have to clean them (except by court order...she said she was 19!)and nobody bitches if the seat is up!

At 12:40 AM, Blogger ShadowFalcon said...

Well I think I'll be removing Alabama from my list of places to visit....

At 12:53 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Maybe you should try to pick up a trucker who has good pills. Maybe he'd help you out with that charge.

At 2:23 AM, Blogger Captain Smack said...

I do the sexy eyelash thing too, but it never works out like I want. It always ends up leading to a bar fight, or a trucker who has good pills.

At 3:42 AM, Blogger historymike said...

I once dropped something of value in a Port-a-Potty. Yes, in the nasty part. I did not find any truckers with pills - good or bad - to help me.

Also, you should write more stories that feature Port-a-Potties. I think that this is a overlooked genre of literature that could be exploited for some serious financial gain, unless Stephen King or a trucker with good pills beats you to it.

At 4:05 AM, Blogger * (asterisk) said...

I've never been to Alabama. Some colleagues did once. Once there, they had to go to a hardware store and buy some wood and some white sheeting. To make reflectors for a photo shoot; it was easier than carrying that sort of stuff on the plane. Still, buying lengths of wood and white sheeting didn't seem all that clever, I'll wager.

At 5:04 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

The only place I've been in Alabama is the Military Police School in Anniston, and they didn't have any room service there, either. It gets really interesting when you don't do your own room service and leave your bunk with that scratchy wool puke green blanket unmade, too..........

At 5:05 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I'm still waiting to learn about the magical pill-having trucker.

At 5:20 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

I don't believe that you didn't find a trucker with good pills.

At 5:21 AM, Blogger Uncivil said...

I love the smell of marijuana in the morning! It's the cigarettes that gag me!

At 5:28 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I saw "heron" but read "heroin". I figured it out eventually.

At 5:44 AM, Blogger Peter DeWolf said...

I enjoyed the shit out of this post.

And I could totally go for an order of popcorn heron.

At 5:44 AM, Blogger Uncivil said...

I'm slow.....I just got it
Motel O'Aces = Motel Oasis!

At 5:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you ended up at the Joker's place not the hotel o aces.
You can make the most out of anything however-just add alcohol. Does wonders doesn't it?

At 6:06 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

I'll give the Motel O'Aces a miss if I ever get to Alabama, but I'd definitely try Bloody Marys for breakfast!

At 6:08 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

This makes me want to go visit home. In fact, I think you were in my hometown. Did you go to the Alabama fan club?

At 6:25 AM, Blogger Susan said...

The closest I've ever been to Alabama was watching Forest Gump. I decided then and there that was close enough.

At 6:30 AM, Blogger Amy said...

I despise porta-loo's. They always smell funny and never seem to have flushed properly from the person before and I'm always worried the thing won't latch properly and...


At 6:34 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I tried to get the tickets, but it seems that I didn't make any friends in Alabama.


Biggest wings I've ever had.


I see that you cannot resist the power of the phrase, "Hey, I know what let's do".


That's what I did wrong. I didn't combine all the elements.


Tell us more about the terms of your probation.


I'm going to Mississippi next.


I'm pretty sure there's no pill tax at the Motel O'Aces.

capt. smack,

I will teach you the subtle ways of the eyelash thing.


I know that many of you read my posts in the morning. I opted not to mention the Port-a-Potty because I believe the breakfast is the most important meal of the day not to throw up.


Good Lord. I think I saw your colleagues.


What is a bunk? Is that like a bank?


Ixnay on the illpay alktay.


A $250 charge makes me gag.


Heroin does not make good eating.


Extra crispy or regular.


Thanks for paying attention.


Alcohol makes almost anything more tolerable for me.


If you do decide to stay at the Motel O'Aces, tell 'em Mist sent you.


I didn't even know there was a fan club. I needed a tour guide.


You have not seen truck stops until you have visited Alabama.


Flush? I wish these had flushed.

At 6:47 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

I can't imagine how that happened. I figured Lynrd Skynrd would be begging you to help them add an extra verse to Sweet Home Alabama by now.

At 6:50 AM, Blogger Tera said...

Mist, it's're my new best friend. Call me every 10 minutes

At 7:09 AM, Blogger TOM said...

With the hope that you can shed a little light on the mist1, I'm tagging you and I'm enjoying it!!

At 7:12 AM, Blogger me the other twin said...

I live within a short driving distance of Alabama but I've never gone there because I don't have a truck.

At 7:29 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Well, I was asked to be in the remake of the video. I declined when I saw the Port-a-Potty's on the set.


Hey, I know what let's do. Let's make up another batch of them pomegranate margaritas...or were they martinis? Damn. Either way.


Oh, Tom, Tom, Tom...everyone knows that I never play fair for these things.


I know where you can get some truckers.

At 7:34 AM, Blogger His Sinfulness said...

I spent a week in Alabama one night...

At 7:36 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Those 'bamas aren't smoking weed all of the time? Wha?

Sexy Mexican? That's what we used to call this I-talian kid from New Jersey. Sexy Mexy. :)

At 7:49 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Seems like she didn't just smell pot, she smelled money. Let me guess that they didn't have any cookies in the rooms, either.

At 7:54 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

his sin,

I spent a couple hundred dollars in Alabama one night.


I think you may have Alabama confused with Jamaica. That's where they smoke weed all of the time. Also, Jamie would like me to acknowledge that she rolls her own and no marijuana was involved.


No cookies. No bathrobes.

At 7:54 AM, Blogger Tera said...

Eatgray!!!!! Antcay aitway!!!!

At 8:09 AM, Blogger Karl said...

I want to party with you. Too funny.

At 8:14 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I know what let's do. Let's go to lunch but find a hair in our food so that it's free. I'm $250 poorer, remember? Okay, you're right. Forget lunch. My pedi looks like Hell. Thanks for offering to pay.


You are totally invited. Do you know any truckers with good pills?

At 8:19 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

Lesson learned.
Smoke that shit outside.

At 8:28 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


That's what I tried to tell her.

At 8:35 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

In retrospect, if you'd broken down right away, one good trucker who had good pills could've solved a lot. Okay, not solved, but cushioned. Even a $250 surcharge/blackmail fee goes down better. Or maybe not. I've never been to Alabama.

At 8:43 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

I wish I had someone to grab me by the elbow before I embarrass myself further.

On Friday I told a guy I like that if I wasn't married I'd be taking him out to the parking lot with me.



At 9:00 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

mmm Bloody Mary's.

Alabama? *shakes head*

At 9:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I don't blackmail truckers. There's a lot of them out there and they're unionized and could wipe me off the road in an instant.


That's some Alabama sweet talking you did there.


Alabama is a state in the Southeast. Don't feel too bad about not knowing that. Most people in Alabama don't know that either.

At 9:10 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

Generally once I set my clock back an hour and my calendar back 20 years, Alabama makes more sense to me.

At 9:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Do you drive a De Lorean DMC-12?

At 9:12 AM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

Oh yes. You say, let's do.

I say, let's go.

At 9:13 AM, Blogger Lee said...

What a facsinating fine. $250 for suspicious smell.


At 9:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


That was so poetic. Jamie is never that poetic. She says stuff like, "saddle up, Buttercup".


They sort of had us by the short and curlies. I mean, if we had short and curlies, which of course, we don't.

At 9:22 AM, Blogger Flenker said...

I can't say I've ever had the pleasure of traveling to Alabama myself, but with the picture you've painted, it makes me feel like I saw it with my own eyes. And now I kind of feel like cleaning those eyes. thanks

At 9:31 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Might I suggest using the eye stuff that takes the red out when you clean your eyes. The good people of Alabama will use everything they can as evidence.

Thanks for coming by.

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

So you just ignore me, eh? I see how it is. You'll never get those dirty photos back!

At 9:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Please, not the photos of the trucker and me!

First, I skip you with the Carnival, now I skip you in the comments. Are we growing apart?

At 10:04 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

mist1 - yes, but my Y Flux capacitor is all fucked up. i've got it at a jiffy lube now

At 10:09 AM, Blogger EE said...

Never before used a port-a-potty???????

At 10:34 AM, Blogger Rachel said...

My dad and I drove through Alabama long ago in 1994. He was a trucker at the time (he only had vioxx) and we were hauling beef into Birmingham. I didn't see any porta-potties, but we did see lots of people with no teeth. Aren't there any dentists in Alamaba?

At 10:35 AM, Blogger Rachel said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 10:46 AM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

I was almost born in Alabama. Luckily, my mother had the sense to cross the state line into Georgia--where there was actually a hospital.

Port-a-Potties are nasty. You've never been to an outdoor music/beer/hippie/craft festival? Port-a-Potty heaven. We need to get your heinie up to the NC mountains.

At 10:58 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


If you needed lube, you should have asked. I've got plenty.


I live a life full of irrational fears. Many involve restrooms. The rest involve fungi.


I didn't meet a single dentist. I also didn't meet any neurologists. I did meet a man who swore he was a birthing coach for hogs.


I've been to that hospital. It's still the only one in the state. I've done the hippie bake an oven in the side of a NC mountain volleyball party. It was an uncomfortable event involving me crossing my legs and refusing beverages.

At 11:08 AM, Blogger jali said...

Just a quick note:

Please stop making witty and hilarious comments on ALL the blogs I visit right before I get there so that I comparably look unfunny and stoopid.


At 11:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Please understand that Mist 1 is a corporation. Mist 1 employees work day and night around the clock to bring clever comments to blogs near you. If you cannot beat your competition, why not join them? Mist 1 is always hiring qualified commenters.

At 11:20 AM, Blogger Stacy said...

Alabama was not one of your better ideas, what were you thinking?

At 11:29 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


It seemed like an excellent plan. Lots of things seem like good ideas when I first wake up. That's why I usually go back to sleep. It keeps me out of trouble.

At 11:38 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

I have a rule against going anywhere that I could be thrown in jail for indefinite amounts of time without proper representation.

Which is why I don't go to places like Alabama.

At 11:38 AM, Blogger Jim said...

Misty, I learned a long time ago that there isn't one good thing in or aboout Alabama.
Not even those truckers who don't have good pills.
You were lucky, the general rule is to stay away from those Port-a-Potties unless there isn't any other choice!

At 11:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


You are really missing out on a good time in Mexico.


My only other option was to squat. The crowd was too large for that option.

At 11:45 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

*sniff* I hope not.

At 11:47 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Promise you'll never leave me.

At 1:44 PM, Blogger Nance said...

Motel O'Aces, huh? I was unaware of the large amount of Irish people in the hospitality industry in Alabama.

At 1:49 PM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Yep, you probably would have done better with the truckers and the pills. Sounds like a slice of Heaven. You have such a f**ked up life, but it sure keeps the rest of us entertained. Peace :)

At 2:46 PM, Blogger Uncivil said...

Mist, What's up with the State Flag of Alabama? That thing is scarier than the Confederate Flag!
It looks a flag women should carry when they are on their menstrual cycle?

At 3:06 PM, Blogger ~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

And all that time you didn't find a trucker with good pills?

And I want to hear the porta potty story. The one and only time I had to go in one was when I had to fix "My Girls" after going on a hellish ride at the country fair.

At 3:35 PM, Blogger Tera said...

No prob, that's what friends are for! Just bring a nice Chiante to enjoy in the massage chair, and we'll got to the nearest buy one get one free spot!

At 4:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Good thing I was here to educate you. No need to thank me.


Clearly, it's the motel that's f*cked up.


You should see the postcards I bought in the truck stops.


Seriously, I think most people would be happier not knowing about the Port-a-Potty.


Is a Malbec okay? I seem to be fresh out of Chiante.

At 4:18 PM, Blogger Zhu said...

You got the chance to smoke INDOORS ? Oh my god, I envy you so much !

Too bad Alabama is a bit far from Ottawa...

At 5:00 PM, Blogger Nölff said...

Jamie and Mist should go east toward Greenville and get in trouble.

At 5:05 PM, Blogger fringes said...

It's good to be Alabama.

At 6:31 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


It was a bizarre sensation. I have never chain smoked like I did in that restaurant.

Thanks for coming by.


We are thinking about it.


It's even better to be home.

At 7:05 PM, Blogger Tera said...

You know what Mist, I've never tried it, but that gave me an idea...Hey, I know what let's do, we'll go to France, drink lots, pick up men who smoke like chimneys, and let our armpit hair grow...

At 7:11 PM, Blogger Todd said...

That whole "rolling my own" excuse didn't work for me either. Granted, I was smoking crack, and I was conversing with the police dog, but still. I feel for you.

At 7:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I know what let's do. Let's get electrolysis under our arms.


That K-9 unit will totally chew your ear off. Talkative bastard.

At 7:38 PM, Blogger A Million Paths said...

My friend once saw a woman chain smoking cigarettes, alternating each puff with a bit of creme brulee. How she could taste anything is beyond me. I have no plans to ever set foot in Alabama. I'm a darkie with foreign born parents, and a yankee to boot, that's just asking to be harassed. I've been to Kentucky and North Carolina and that's enough southern for me, thank you.

At 7:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


So, I shouldn't call you the next time I want to take a road trip?

At 10:07 PM, Blogger jennifer starfall said...

you never used a port-o-potty before? shit. my cousin had one at his wedding.

At 6:05 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I guess the key is to visit the truckers with the good pills before the port-a-potty. The R&D geek who came up with that name needs a new job. Cleaning port-a-potties.


At 6:59 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I don't get invited to many weddings which is really a shame because I enjoy open bars and men in tuxedos.


It's so hard to tell, based on appearances, who has the good pills. Do you go with the trucker who is plucking his hair out or the one swatting imaginary bugs?

At 7:59 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

"I always find the best truckers with the best pills in port-a-potties" - that was funny.

i'm trying to wrap my mind around a mexican restaraunt in Alabama.

At 8:26 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


It was the worst food ever. Also, they had never seen the likes of someone like me before.

At 11:17 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

You picked margaritas over a trucker with good pills?

At 11:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

q of d,

I'm not up for getting arrested in Alabama.

At 6:13 PM, Blogger Blonde Ambition said...

$250 for SUSPECTED smells? What a load of crap!

At 6:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I bet the person who made up that charge got a promotion.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

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