When I'm Old
I don't like to do more than one thing in a day. I keep my to do lists short (1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss). When I add more items to my list I start to feel overwhelmed. I have a hard time finding the time to 3. Get Dressed, 4. Get an Oil Change, 5. Pee, 6. Do Something Productive With My Life, and 7. Find Remote Control.
Yesterday, I had a lot to do. In addition to my regular list, I had to go to the bank, the post office, FedEx, find the time to eat a meal, and do something productive with my life.
After I left the bank, I went to the post office. The elderly couple in front of was holding hands. I thought about how nice it would be to have a companion to run my errands with; someone who would do all the driving while I did all the talking. The four foot tall old lady dragged the elderly man forward in line. They deliberated over how many stamps to buy. Rather, she deliberated with herself while he stood there and nodded in and out of an elderly stupor. She was still considering whether or not they would use 100 stamps before the price of sending a letter increased again when I was called to the next available window. I sent my package and left for FedEx. They were still there.
Twenty minutes later, I was sitting down to a salad when the couple walked into the restaurant. I watched her order his meal. Did he want the full portion or the half portion? Was he sure? She reminded him that he wouldn't have any leftovers unless he ordered the full portion. He dozed off again and she ordered him the full size portion. When it came, she remarked at how large the portion was and maybe he should have ordered the half size.
I finished my salad and sat in my booth for a few moments. I watched her talk to him about what they were going to do next. He drooled in his soup. She wiped his chin and prattled on and on about double coupon day at the grocery store.
It wasn't until after I left the restaurant that I realized that I may be alone when I'm that age. I will have no one to hold my hand in the package store. I will have only my own chin to wipe when I dribble my vodka down my face. I will have to shop for old lady shoes alone.
I am looking forward to living in a retirement community. Women outnumber men in retirement homes six to one. I am looking forward to the challenge. I think it will keep me young, or at least whorish in my old age.
But at the same time, I kind of want to be a burden to someone in my old age. I have been practicing being a burden for years.