To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, May 31, 2007

When I'm Old


I don't like to do more than one thing in a day. I keep my to do lists short (1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss). When I add more items to my list I start to feel overwhelmed. I have a hard time finding the time to 3. Get Dressed, 4. Get an Oil Change, 5. Pee, 6. Do Something Productive With My Life, and 7. Find Remote Control.

Yesterday, I had a lot to do. In addition to my regular list, I had to go to the bank, the post office, FedEx, find the time to eat a meal, and do something productive with my life.

After I left the bank, I went to the post office. The elderly couple in front of was holding hands. I thought about how nice it would be to have a companion to run my errands with; someone who would do all the driving while I did all the talking. The four foot tall old lady dragged the elderly man forward in line. They deliberated over how many stamps to buy. Rather, she deliberated with herself while he stood there and nodded in and out of an elderly stupor. She was still considering whether or not they would use 100 stamps before the price of sending a letter increased again when I was called to the next available window. I sent my package and left for FedEx. They were still there.

Twenty minutes later, I was sitting down to a salad when the couple walked into the restaurant. I watched her order his meal. Did he want the full portion or the half portion? Was he sure? She reminded him that he wouldn't have any leftovers unless he ordered the full portion. He dozed off again and she ordered him the full size portion. When it came, she remarked at how large the portion was and maybe he should have ordered the half size.

I finished my salad and sat in my booth for a few moments. I watched her talk to him about what they were going to do next. He drooled in his soup. She wiped his chin and prattled on and on about double coupon day at the grocery store.

It wasn't until after I left the restaurant that I realized that I may be alone when I'm that age. I will have no one to hold my hand in the package store. I will have only my own chin to wipe when I dribble my vodka down my face. I will have to shop for old lady shoes alone.

Good.

I am looking forward to living in a retirement community. Women outnumber men in retirement homes six to one. I am looking forward to the challenge. I think it will keep me young, or at least whorish in my old age.

But at the same time, I kind of want to be a burden to someone in my old age. I have been practicing being a burden for years.


Mist 1


92 Comments:

At 8:31 PM, Blogger Tug said...

I've already told my daughter I will be a burden to her.

And I'm just going to start grabbing hands in line at the post office until someone grabs back. ;-)

 
At 8:31 PM, Anonymous la cubana gringa said...

I love looking into my boyfriend's eyes and, in the heat of the moment, saying, "I am soooo lucky to have you to wipe my ass for me when we're 80."

Dude. That's hot.

 
At 8:42 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

Tug's idea of grabbing random hands in the post office line is kind of cool. A little scary, but still cool.

 
At 9:03 PM, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

This is one reason I've had children - so they can put me in that nursing home and feel REALLY guilty about it.

(that old woman was probably holding his hand so he wouldn't run away)

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Just make sure that either the cops or paramedics need to be summoned to you often when you are older. That will ensure your 'burden-dom.'

 
At 9:18 PM, Blogger Vengelyne said...

You don't need a male companion for old age, a woman would do fine since it's just for the sake of companionship. I've been trying to convince my mom about this imminent route I'm about to take. She's not buying it. Bah.

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

I'll come drool on you anytime.

 
At 9:52 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

This is why mist1 I want my mind to go first..then I will not even know if am eating alone or not..shopping or not.... in fact I think my mind is already starting to go...

 
At 9:55 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

Old age has been off my radar for a while again... Lately, I've had too many close encounters with mortality, the mortality of others, at least.

I told my dear sweet retired mother that if she wasn't nice to me I was going to put her in one of those homes you see on the news. She said she hopped my own children would do the same to me. I told her they had best keep me away from the matches and gasoline :D

 
At 10:00 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

Yeah, it seems like the woman was doing all the drool wiping. I'm not afraid of being old and alone. At least, I won't have to take care of anyone else and I'll have plenty of time to yell at little kids when they run across my lawn.

 
At 10:16 PM, Blogger Claudia said...

I don't know if I'll be alone or not, but I plan on having a cane whether I need it or not...just because.

 
At 10:33 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

This was a charming and also chilling post.

Where does one buy old lady shoes, anyway?

 
At 11:43 PM, Blogger othurme said...

If you hold my package, I promise to wipe your chin. Wait...did that come out right?

 
At 12:30 AM, Blogger spoon said...

it's truly an honour to be a real burdeon to someone! You'll get there!

 
At 12:30 AM, Anonymous archie said...

I used to put my grandfather's walking stick just out of reach. Then I would laugh when he fell over. I kept forgetting to run when he got the stick and hit me with it! I'm due to get a walking stick soon - - -

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger Jazz said...

Whoa! My future is not what i want to contemplate first thing in the morning.

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

Don't the Stones sing about a "beast of burden?"
Maybe that could be your theme song.

 
At 5:46 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Best that you keep working on your shoe collection. You don't want to be the bitty who has to walk in orthopedic shoes! That never gets a man!

 
At 5:50 AM, Blogger tammy said...

Awwww. Isn't it so sweet how one half of the couple gives up after a while? The winner gets quiet acquiescence for the rest of his/her life.

Maybe you could have someone break in Polly for you for the first few decades or so.

 
At 6:01 AM, Blogger My Reflecting Pool said...

what a chilling story you tell here. To be alone or either one of that couple. crap.

 
At 6:07 AM, Blogger kat said...

It's a great way to look at senior home living... just tramping it out with all the elegible bachelors. You'll be the Blanche Devereaux of Shady Acres!

 
At 6:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

My dad and I have an arrangement involving a wheelchair and a cliff in the event that he becomes a burden.

lcg,

And yet you still have him. It baffles me.

alison,

I hope to meet Tug in the post office.

karmyn,

He didn't have good running shoes on.

michael,

The cops and paramedics are already summoned to my home on a regular basis.

venge,

I'm hoping my cat will still be with me.

av,

That is the sweetest thing that you have ever said to me.

tellin,

I keep hoping that my mind will go too, but so far, it's still hanging around.

arthur,

Stay away from sharp objects too.

churlita,

I hope I don't have a lawn. That would be enough to kill me.

hearts,

Charming and chilling. That's exactly how I felt.

othur,

In my world, you just asked me out.

spoon,

Thank you for believing in me.

archie,

Walking sticks are so passe. Why don't you get one of those motorized things I saw on late night TV?

jazz,

It's better than late at night.

wreck,

I'm no beast. I'm more of a beauty. Except in the morning. Then, I'm scary.

wg,

I will be in fishnets and orthopedics.

tammy,

I'd better go deaf if Polly's going to be in the picture.

pool,

Kinda makes me want to see my shrink for some more of the pink pills.

kat,

I am always looking for my next ex-husband.

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

Keep up the correspondence with the prison population. Maybe not a federal pen. Maybe a sweet little small town jail. How hard could it be to talk one of them into being your old age bitch?

 
At 6:47 AM, Blogger Mystic Wing said...

One of your better blogs, kid. Or maybe it's just especially poignant because I'm now beginning to see the future staring me in the face.

One day not too long ago, I was eating in a restaurant with my 22-year old son, when a decrepit old man came it, supported by a walker and moving at a snail's pace. We watched for 40 or 50 minutes as he made his way to a seat, then my son turned to me.

"How does it feel to see your own tomorrow?" he said.

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

We're being nice to our kids because they're the ones who will be deciding which home we go into!

 
At 7:13 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I want to become so wealthy that people are tripping over themselves to change my diapers and put The Price is Right on TV for me. I want them to move fast too, otherwise they're out of the will.

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I'm a romantic at heart, what can I say?

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger maximo said...

for the love that lasts forever, the stamps that do too.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

booda,

I have sworn off inmates. I hate collect phone calls.

mystic,

Actually, this one made me a little sad. I want to grow old gracefully and still have cute shoes.

akelamalu,

That's why my parents had my sister. They know that I'm not to be trusted.

furious,

In some alternative lifestyle groups, people will throw themselves at your feet to change your diaper. You're on your own with the price is right.

av,

You cover it up with your tough exterior. You really should think about incorporating your romantic poetry into your blog.

maximo,

The word "forever" scares me. I can't commit to a stamp for that long.

 
At 8:01 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

I'm simulatneously enjoying the thought that I'll be a huge burden to my husband and dreading the idea that he'll be one to me. I mean, he's pretty much a baby and can't do anything alone already and he's still young!

 
At 8:02 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

We used to think that my grandmother was hard of hearing because she never answered us when we said her name, even more than two or three times. It turned out that my grandfather talked so much that she just learned to tune him out over the decades. Her hearing was fine.

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

My favorite: I will have only my own chin to wipe when I dribble my vodka down my face.

You are so twisted. I just love it too. I can see you now, the queen of the retirement center, hogging the only decent old man, and strutting around in your old lady shoes. Bwahahahah!

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger Tera said...

As long as you can still take the cork out of the wine, you're good...

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger A Million Paths said...

Old ladies age better than men. It's crazy how that works.

I really like this post - poignant and tender but not overly so.Like a good pork chop.

 
At 8:26 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kristyn,

Clearly, you two had better get a monkey in your golden years.

velvet,

I don't tune people out. I just ignore them.

comedy,

I hope I can still strut. I may just have to motor about in my shoes.

tera,

I'll be on a fixed income. My wine with have screw off caps.

amp,

Sigh. In my old age, I'll need someone to chew my pork chop for me.

 
At 9:05 AM, Blogger me the other twin said...

when I get older, losing my hair, many years from now...who knows?

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Hearts: SAS is where you buy old lady shoes. Get the "Metallic" ones.

Wait, what?

 
At 9:27 AM, Blogger maximo said...

oh honey... you don't commit to it. it commits to you! all you need to do is peel and stick.

 
At 9:27 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

don't you just love seriously pussywhipped old guys? they are just so defeated. I see them at the symphony all the time. they are SOOOO miserable. lol

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Do they make designer bibs? I mean, really. One should plan for the future.

 
At 9:36 AM, Blogger His Sinfulness said...

Whenever the topic of old age comes up, I feel sorry for you mortals.

Of course, being eternal has it's downside too - no one will ever have to wipe my ass for me...

 
At 9:40 AM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

HAHAHA! I love your posts, Mist! This one is superb! "Women outnumber men in retirement homes six to one. I am looking forward to the challenge. I think it will keep me young, or at least whorish in my old age." That is classic!

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

I know you have an amazing sense of humor, and I adore your knack for skewing details just far enough, but this made me just a schwee bit sad.

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger Susan said...

Box wine, my dear, box wine. You'll be fine.

 
At 10:33 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

For some reason I don't think you'll end up alone.

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

I just knew you were gonna say that.

 
At 11:12 AM, Blogger Stacy said...

I have complete faith that you will both be a burden to some drooling sweet man and be able to play the field in the old age home as well.

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

methe,

You'd better start buying hats now.

scotts,

Hey, I have metallic shoes.

maximo,

I like to say that stamps are pressure-sensitive and not self-adhesive. I am pressure sensitive as well.

miztris,

You don't have to throw in that "at the symphony" bit to sound classier than I am.

ctw,

I hope they make bibs that coordinate with my handbags.

his sin,

You are not hanging out in the right circles if on one is wiping your a$$.

chrissy,

Acting whorish is the key to youth.

123,

Me too. I had better drink tonight.

susan,

I'm getting a Sam's Club membership.

pissy,

I know. They're be all those voices in my head.

michael,

Great. I'm predictable and I'm growing old alone. Kill me now.

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger Nölff said...

I hope somebody takes care of my retarded ass when I get old.

If I was old, I would act like Terry Schiavo, but I would poot more.

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Nölff said...

OMG no word verification!

[][p];][p]];
[;;[;'[
;[;[[ <--- That's a heart I drew for you.

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nolff,

You are the first person to mention that I turned it off. What's wrong with everyone else? I like, did that ages ago.

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger Natalia said...

You'd hate my life. I have lists of lists I must make. But it's the only way I can manage everything that's going on in my life.

-N

 
At 1:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

natalia,

I have lists too. They just are very simple. It keeps me in line.

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

I'm sure you'll do a great job of being a burden on the staff at the retirement center. "Becky? I told you ten minutes ago that I need my special mint floss after lunch, not the standard white stuff. And Becky? Get me the remote control. My stories are on. Oh, and Becky? Tighten the ankle straps on my heels, won't you? They're not holding up my hose very well today. Yea, and Becky?..."

You get the gist.

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

Good thing for us (your readers) that your mind is still intact..but I am afraid I feel sorry for mine cause half of all I write doesn't make sence...I blame it on my mother though...don't we all!!!

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Not like THESE
http://norbys.stores.yahoo.net/wosascosh.html

ew, just EW

 
At 1:42 PM, Blogger Uncivil said...

I wonder if they will let me take my wiffle bat to the retirement home?

 
At 1:42 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Ok, I was afraid you'd say that too. Well, not the kill me now part. See, you ain't preidcitable at all ;-)

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jocelyn,

I am going to practice saying Becky until I have the pitch just right. You have given me purpose. Thank you.

tellin,

I also like to blame Society and The Man.

scotts,

What the Hell are you trying to do to me?

uncivil,

I live near a nursing home with a special whiffle bat community for the whiffle impaired.

michael,

You're just saying that to make me feel spontaneous again, aren't you?

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

No, of course not. But do you feel spontaneous now? Actually if you do, I'll take the credit.

 
At 2:37 PM, Blogger maximo said...

i'm not sure i know what that means.

are you sensitive about pressure and therefore don't respond well to it?

are you saying that "pressure sensitive" is a euphemism for "self-adhesive", which is to say that you actually are "self-adhesive"?

and does that mean that you are one of those clingy people?

or does that mean that you are feeling a bit, um, sticky at the moment?

or, along those lines, does "pressure sensitive" mean that you're sexually responsive?

 
At 2:48 PM, Blogger fringes said...

This was an excellent, introspective post. I am out of sarcasm for the week.

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

"Women outnumber men in retirement homes six to one. I am looking forward to the challenge. I think it will keep me young, or at least whorish in my old age."

Talk about doing something productive with your life!

 
At 3:01 PM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

oh you mean that was YOU in the post office and the restaurant yesterday? drool is not a pretty sight!

smiles, bee

 
At 3:10 PM, Blogger melanie said...

i think the feel of a wrinkled old palm in mine in my golden years would be wonderful. And would help keep me from falling down.

i am all for that seeing as I may be tripping over my ta ta's at that point. damn gravity.

 
At 4:01 PM, Blogger mshaw said...

Hi again Mist1! Well there could be others that would liked to have someone to grow old to. Like the two couples in the restaurant that you stated in your entry. And there are some would prefer enjoying and living life till the end alone. Both ways would be enjoyable. And both ways would have it's disadvantage.

I don't know with you guys. But I would prefer living the rest of my life with my husband John.Good Luck!

 
At 4:08 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

being a burden is a sign of the presence of love that's all. :)

Besides, you're in Atlanta, if you don't already have men knocking down your door, then it's because you haven't given out your address to enough people ;) Don't forget, I've seen you.

 
At 5:04 PM, Blogger NWJR said...

This is why I had kids. I told them, "I wiped your asses for two years each; I'm going to make you do the same for me when I'm 90."

I don't think I'll live that long.

 
At 5:28 PM, Blogger Uncivil said...

"Women outnumber men in retirement homes six to one."
hmmmmmm.......
Why to most husbands die before their wives? BECAUSE THEY WANT TOO!

 
At 5:46 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

Ah Mist, that post was so down to earth, showing a little more personal side of yourself, it seemed. Very endearing, indeed.

 
At 6:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I am planning to be spontaneous later.

maximo,

Yes.

fringes,

Clearly, I am too.

legal,

I hate that I have to wait so long to be productive.

bee,

Hey, I thought you looked familiar.

melanie,

That's why I never grew boobs bigger than this. I don't want to get hurt on them.

mshaw,

Maybe I can move in with you and John to see if I'd like to spend my golden years with you two.

kiyotoe,

I have reinforced doors.

nwjr,

Maybe you should start crapping in your pants now.

uncivil,

Old men have known about The Secret long before Oprah put it on her book list.

gucci,

We will never talk about my sensitive side again.

 
At 6:34 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I find my best spur of the moment experiences are best after I have planned and rehearsed them.

 
At 6:41 PM, Blogger ~Tim said...

Everyone needs a hand to hold onto.

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger Spellbound said...

You know you're so good at this that I rarely think I have anything to add, but in this case I'm probably closer to the retirement home than any of your other readers. I have a theory that your heroine may have been acting the same way toward this man for years, but we notice it more now that they are in their dotage. Personally I plan to die in a sky diving accident when I'm 110, or younger if I start finding myself lapsing into an elderly stupor.

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger Jim said...

Nice thoughts here, Misty.
One of my favorite songs is the Beatles' "When I'm Old and Sixty-four."
..

 
At 8:18 PM, Blogger Gillette said...

I've been lurking for quite awhile, but wanted to say hi, thanks for writing. Yer funny.

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

They seem more natural that way, I think.

tim,

You all are making me feel sappy and sentimental. From now one, no more revealing my inner fears.

spellbound,

If I live to be 110, I'm sure someone will throw me out of an airplane too.

jim,

64 is the new 20.

gillette,

I'm glad you've been here on days when I'm funny and not lonely.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 4:07 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Men who make it to that age have stopped fighting and accepted the incontrovertible truth that women rule. Consequently, there is no challenge; stick to buying shoes.

Puss

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

No wonder he looked so defeated.

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger CG said...

Am determined to live long enough to be a total burden on my children :)

 
At 10:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cg,

I am impressed by your determination.

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Ms. Mamma said...

I'm sure someone said this because I didn't read the comments, but I bet you'll never wear old lady shoes. You're too forking funny to grow old alone.

 
At 1:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

ms. m,

I'm just not going to grow old.

 
At 3:01 PM, Blogger ~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

Hm, perhaps that woman is the reason why men tend to die first? Just a thought. She sounded a bit, trying.

 
At 10:34 PM, Blogger Ms. Mamma said...

With your gift of writing and sharing I don't think you will.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

silver,

Trying is a nice word.

ms. mamma,

I don't generally prefer men who can read. I'm not sure if my writing will help.

 
At 1:38 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I'm finding myself more and more busy thes days. I do not approve.

I'm sure you and I grew old together sipping Long Island Ice Tea's and smoking great nothern buds in a trailer park somehwere in Canada in a past life.

 
At 9:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

orhan,

I'm pretty sure I lived in a trailer in a past life. It would explain a lot.

 
At 4:41 PM, Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

Where we lived back home there were an old couple who used to walk up our road together. They were there in fair weather or foul and always talking to each other.
Found out that they were brother and sister and had always lived together. They were a comforting vision of company in old age, but there was always the question of who would die first and how the other would manage as they appeared inseparable. Apparently they almost were - one died and the other followed a month or so later.

 
At 8:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

grunt,

Maybe my singleness in my old age will keep me alive longer.

 
At 10:10 PM, Blogger jennifer starfall said...

i'm expecting to out-live andrew, which is a good thing because he's too fucking big for me to take care of if he reaches the stage of life requiring diapers. hell with that.

 
At 7:00 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jennifer,

A little diaper rash never killed anyone.

 

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